The girls were giggling as they drove back home for dinner. They couldn’t wait to tell Mrs. Thomas and Mrs. Randal about their great fortune in finding this shop, and now Susan could relax and enjoy the holidays.
Susan was driving down to Jefferson on Christmas Eve afternoon to see her sister, so she arranged to pick up Aunt Gladys and bring her back to Atlanta for the holidays. Her son and his family were going up to Ohio to spend the holiday with his wife’s family, so Mr. and Mrs. Thomas invited Gladys to come to Atlanta and stay at their home for the week.
Susan arrived at her sister’s around one-thirty as agreed. Before getting out of the car, Susan slipped her ring off her finger and placed it in a zippered pocket inside her purse. She thought it would be wise not to wear her ring in a neighborhood like this, nor did she want her sister to see it just yet.
Lisa was living in a two-room unit on the second floor of a run-down building in a seedy part of town. There was an old, half-empty paint store on the first floor, and Lisa’s room smelled of paint and varnish.
Susan knew her older sister still cared about her, although you would never know it. She obviously felt uncomfortable with her, and her discomfort came out as anger. Susan was sure Lisa’s feelings came partly out of old guilt for abandoning her, but mostly because of her current lifestyle. She tried not to show her disapproval but Lisa knew she didn’t approve. Lisa always tried to put up a tough, I-don’t-care front, but she wasn’t kidding herself—or Susan. Her life was awful, but she believed there was nothing she could do about it. She had given up any hope of a better life years ago. Drugs and drinking had been her downfall. She could stay clean and sober for a few weeks, but then the addiction would beckon her back. She hadn’t finished high school, so good jobs seemed out of the question. Lisa had excuses for every bad decision she had ever made in her life. Everything was the fault of someone else, or something else.
“If only her mother and father were different, then …”
“If only the drugs would just leave her alone, then …”
“If only she’d had a better education, then …”
“If only she wasn’t an alcoholic, then …”
Susan tried to help her sister stop her self-destructive cycle. It always angered Lisa when Susan said, “It’s all up to you, Lisa. You have the power to change your life. You can choose to live like this or you can choose to live differently. You know I understand why you’re angry. You have every right in the world to be because of what has happened to you. That is not the issue. If you choose to hang onto that hate and anger, you’ll become just like those who did this to you. You can choose to remain their victim, but I refuse to let our parents keep me their victim. How about you, Lisa? I’m willing to help you, but you have to decide for yourself that you want to change.”
Susan knew Lisa hated it when she said things like that. After all, she believed she had no choices, and none of this was really her fault. But the thing that frustrated her sister the most was the fact that she couldn’t throw her childhood in Susan’s face. She couldn’t say, “You don’t know what it was like in my family,” because Susan did know. She couldn’t say, “I had it worse than you,” because she hadn’t. None of her arguments worked on Susan, so she usually tried to keep her distance. But the holidays were hard, and she did want to see her sister. She didn’t want to be totally alone at Christmastime.
Susan was taking her out for lunch, so Lisa changed her clothes and brushed her hair. Before they left, Susan handed Lisa a present. Many lunches had ended with Lisa angrily storming out, so Susan wanted to make sure she gave her the Christmas present before anything happened.
Lisa tried to act as if this present wasn’t important, but it was. There was no one in Lisa’s whole world, except Susan, who cared about her. As angry and bitter as she was, Lisa did love her little sister. She opened the box and pulled out the top. It was a cream-colored sweater with embroidery on the front. It was very pretty, and Lisa liked it.
Lisa gave her sister an embarrassed little smirk and said, “Thank you. I wish I had gotten you something.”
Knowing she needed to pick up Gladys by three o’clock, but not wanting Lisa to suspect she was rushing her, Susan smiled and suggested, “Why don’t we get going? I’d like to take you to a very nice sandwich shop on the other side of town.”
They went to lunch and had a good time together. Susan had decided not to mention the wedding to her sister just yet. She hadn’t decided what she was going to do about her and the wedding, but today was about Christmas, not weddings. She asked safe questions and tried to keep the meeting friendly and light.
While dropping Lisa off, she asked, “Why don’t you come up to Atlanta for a visit sometime?”
Lisa stiffened her back and asked, “Is she dead yet?”
Susan simply returned a knowing smile while putting her car in gear and said, “Merry Christmas, Lisa. I love you.”
Chapter 13
Aunt Gladys was ready and waiting when Susan arrived. Her suitcase was by the door, and all her Christmas presents were stacked next to it. Susan quickly put everything into the trunk and they were on their way within a few minutes. She had spent several Saturday afternoons with Gladys since their first meeting and loved their time together. Whenever she came down to see Lisa, she stopped by to visit with Gladys. Scott had told her his aunt would be kind and understanding about her family, and he was right. Although never willing to talk about her own experiences, she did want Gladys to understand and care about Lisa. Susan spent several visits recounting her fond memories of her sister, wanting desperately to have someone understand that Lisa had not always been as she is now, and Susan felt better knowing there was someone like Aunt Gladys who also cared about her sister.
Christmas Eve dinner was ready and waiting when Susan and Gladys walked into the Thomas’s home. Scott, Carol Anne, and Susan had decorated the tree three days before, and Mrs. Thomas had done the rest of the house. Decorating for Christmas was Caroline’s favorite job. She loved pulling out the storage boxes and going through the familiar items that had been used by her family for years. Her mother, before she died, had given her some special holiday decorations that had been used in their home when she was a child. Every year when she unwrapped her mother’s nativity scene and arranged it on the large table in the entryway, she would get a warm, sweet feeling about her mother. She would close her eyes and picture her mother’s hands as she lovingly handled these pieces. This precious time, arranging these pieces, made her feel as if her mother were still with her.
Gladys placed her presents under the tree and went into the kitchen. “Everything looks so festive, and dinner smells wonderful. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, there is. I have a large Jell-O mold on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator that needs to be put on that blue holiday platter of your mother’s. I think it’s in the cupboard right next to the refrigerator.” The two women chatted happily while the last of the dinner tasks were completed.
The Thomases had a Christmas Eve tradition. After dinner, everyone went into the great room where Mr. Thomas had set up the movie projector and screen. They watched the family films of Christmases gone by. This tradition had started years earlier, when Bill Thomas bought his first 8mm Bell & Howell camera. The next year everyone wanted to see the film that had been shot the year before.
That first year they had lost Bill and Gladys’s grandfather. As the family watched the film and saw Grandpa Thomas waving at the camera, enjoying what turned out to be his last Christmas, they were so happy they had taken that film. They decided that each year they would review all the past films, remembering family that had passed away and seeing how the children had grown.
“This year,” Mr. Thomas announced, “we’ll be adding Susan to the family films.”
Susan nestled close to Scott and watched the films. She saw his parents, as young people, laughing and having fun. She saw his great-grandfather, his grandpar
ents, and even Aunt Gladys and her husband, Karl. She looked over at Gladys as Karl came on the screen holding their little boy. There were sweet tears in her eyes, and Susan watched as Gladys smiled and quietly mouthed, “Hello, sweetheart. I miss you.”
The next film was made the year Scott was born. Susan started teasing him about how cute he was, telling him she wanted a little boy just like him. That was the first time he had heard her mention them having a baby, and his heart started pounding. He pictured her holding his baby like his mother was holding him in the film and he leaned down and said, “How about four?”
“Four? Well, all right, but I want at least one little girl,” Susan teased.
“Absolutely, and I want her to look just like her mommy,” Scott ordered.
“Well, I wouldn’t mind if she looked like her auntie, Carol Anne,” Susan added. “So I guess we need two boys and two girls.”
This was the first time Susan had ever seriously thought about having children.
After the Christmas film made when Scott was six, they decided to take a dessert break before finishing watching the movies. Caroline and Gladys went into the kitchen to cut the pies and start the coffee while everyone else took this opportunity to stash their presents under the tree. This, too, was a family tradition. They always opened their gifts on Christmas morning and then went to church for a one-hour service before coming home to their Christmas dinner.
Dessert was brought in and the films continued. Carol Anne’s debut was a few Christmas films later. She was almost ten months old and was toddling around, her bright-red hair shining. She was smiling and waving at the camera and had on the cutest little dress. Susan watched as Mrs. Thomas scooped her little girl up into her arms, spun her around, and kissed her.
Without any warning, Susan felt herself struggling for control. She wanted to cry. She saw this happy little girl giggling and having fun. She was watching what she never had and desperately wanted. She didn’t watch the next few films very closely until she heard Carol Anne say, “Look, Susan, I’m seven here. That’s the year you and I met, remember?”
Susan’s emotions were flooding her; these films were painful to watch. Most of the time she could live day-to-day and behave like everyone else. She had all the same choices and opportunities as any other adult, but no matter how hard she tried to put her past behind her, things like this brought the pain back.
She looked up and saw the Carol Anne she remembered and tried to sound cheerful as she answered, “Yes, I remember that year very well.”
Susan was remembering what that Christmas had been like for her. While watching Carol Anne giggling and opening her presents that Christmas on the screen, she remembered how she had spent her Christmas. That was the year her mother’s father died. That’s funny, she mused. He never was referred to as Grandpa, just Mother’s father. He had died right after Thanksgiving, and her mother wanted to go home and spend some time with her mother. Susan remembered the horrible fights her parents had had over that for weeks. Her grandmother kept calling, pleading with her mother to come home. It got so bad that simply hearing the phone ring set her father off.
Finally, three days before Christmas, her mother slipped out of the house and got on a bus and went home without telling anyone. That left Lisa and Susan alone in that house to face their father’s rage. For two days he screamed and threw things around the house. Then on Christmas Eve, in a horrible explosion of temper, he dragged the Christmas tree out back and set it on fire, along with the few presents that were under it. To make matters worse, the neighbors called the police and the fire department, and her father was given a ticket for having an unsafe fire in the back yard.
She and her sister spent that Christmas Day in their bedroom. They didn’t come out except to go to the bathroom. Even though they were hungry, they did not want to remind their father they were even there. That was the last tree they ever had, and when her mother finally came home the day after Christmas, he beat her so badly she couldn’t go back to work until after New Year’s.
Susan hated her memories and tried to leave them in the past, but sometimes they would come like a powerful wave, and nothing could stop them. As the memories spent themselves out, she felt drained, and as far back as she could remember she would go to sleep to escape them.
Scott noticed Susan had been quiet for a while but simply wrote it off to her being tired. He had no way of knowing Susan was preoccupied with her own type of home movies.
When the films were over, everyone pitched in with the dessert dishes and then headed for bed. Gladys was staying in Scott’s old bedroom, the girls were in Carol Anne’s room, and Scott got the sofa. He thought about going back to his apartment, but he wanted to be there early on Christmas morning because he had asked Susan to meet him under the tree before anyone else got up.
***
Bright and early on Christmas morning, Scott was up and had coffee ready when Susan came creeping down the stairs at six o’clock. He had two cups of coffee sitting on a tray next to the tree.
He got up and met her at the doorway. “Sweetheart, this is our first Christmas, and I would like to start our own tradition. How about every Christmas morning, no matter how many children we have, you and I meet under the tree before anyone else is up? We can have coffee and give each other our presents. Just the two of us.”
Susan loved this thoughtful, sentimental side of Scott. He was so much like his dad. “I love that idea, Scott. It’s a date.”
Taking her hand and leading her to the tree, Scott excitedly said, “I want you to open this present right away. I don’t want anyone coming down during our private time.”
As she unwrapped the present, Scott sat back against the couch and enjoyed watching the girl he loved opening his first of many Christmas presents. He wanted to put this picture in his memory and cherish it.
Scott had bought an elegant anniversary clock for her. It had a brass base with a glass globe. Right below the clock face was a small brass plate with engraving on it that read, “Only our time together really matters. Love, Scott.” Right below this was engraved December 25, 1973.
Susan loved the gift. She knew it was something she would keep and cherish always. She leaned over and kissed him as she handed him his present. “I hope you like this.”
As Scott unwrapped the book, his eyes shined. He absolutely loved it. He started flipping through the pages, seeing the pictures of the city he had come to love, when he noticed she had written something on the inside cover. It said, “Because I know you love this place so much, I would like for you to share it with me on our honeymoon. Love, Susan.”
Scott had been racking his brain for a special place to take his new bride. He had not even thought about New York, but this was perfect. “I’d love to show the woman I love the city I love. Thank you for this wonderful present, sweetheart.”
They heard people moving around upstairs and knew their special time was coming to an end. Several minutes later, they were sitting beside the tree, talking quietly, as everyone came downstairs. Their first tradition was established, and they were happy.
As everyone got their coffee and joined the happy couple at the tree, Susan thought about her mother. She had left her present on the kitchen table before driving to Jefferson yesterday. She closed her eyes and wished her mother and sister a Merry Christmas. Whether they had one or not was up to them, but she was going to have a wonderful day.
After all the presents had been passed out, they formed a circle and watched as each person opened a gift. Everyone loved the presents Susan had bought them. Carol Anne couldn’t believe she had found such a special gift. The dolls were marvelous, and she especially liked what they stood for. She gave her best friend a big hug as she thanked her.
It was then Susan’s turn to open a present, so she picked the one from Aunt Gladys. As soon as she opened it, she recognized Gladys’s linen tablecloth and napkins. She sat in utter amazement for a moment. “Aunt Gladys, I can’t take these. They
mean too much to you.”
“Honey, that’s exactly why I want you to have them. I know you appreciate their worth and will take good care of them. Besides, when you and Scott use them on special occasions for years to come, it will be like I’m with you. I want you to have them.”
“I don’t know what to say, but thank you. I promise to cherish and care for them just as you have, Aunt Gladys.”
Bill and Caroline loved the doorknocker, and Bill said he would install it right after church. Carol Anne had gotten Susan a bride’s diary. It was leather-bound and had her initials engraved on the front, along with their wedding date. “It’s for your first year of marriage, Susan. The lady at the bookstore said the bride should record everything: the names of your first dinner guests, all the things you do, and places you visit during your honeymoon year. Just be careful because someday your children might read it.”
At this comment, everyone started laughing. Then Mrs. Thomas leaned over to her husband, and loud enough for everyone to hear, said, “Right after church I’m burning mine. I’m not taking any chances Carol Anne might get her hands on it.”
“Oh, mother. I’m sure your bride’s diary would be very tame.”
“Oh, you think so, do you, daughter? You know, sex and romance have been around for a lot longer than you have, my darling.”
Gladys laughed. “Young people all think we were born old, don’t they? It’s hard for them to imagine any of us young and frisky.”
Susan loved this family she was joining. They were dignified and respectable without being stuffy or prudish. Even though it embarrassed her, she loved the way they could joke around so openly about love and sex without getting crude or vulgar. As a child, she had been taught that sex was a dirty word, and when it was discussed it was always in a vulgar and dirty manner. She also knew her stiff, uncomfortable attitude about sex was going to cause problems in her marriage if she didn’t get some help. She had thought about talking with Mrs. Thomas. She knew they had a great marriage and that they had obviously been open and honest with their kids, but she simply couldn’t bring up the subject with her. Pondering this, she thought, It’s probably because I wouldn’t just be talking about sex; I would be talking about having sex with her son. Either way, Mrs. Thomas is out, but Aunt Gladys is a possibility. I love this honest, sweet lady.
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