Chapter 19
Knowing it would be three weeks before she could visit Lisa, Susan had arranged to take off the first Monday following their honeymoon to drive over and spend the day with her. Her sister had now been in jail for almost two months, and Gladys was visiting her several times a week. Because Lisa was behaving herself, Gladys told the court she would be willing to let Lisa move in with her and would help find a job for her. Even with this offer, it still did not look as if Lisa would be released any-time soon. Lisa had a long and colorful record, and the courts were in no hurry to see her back on the streets of Jefferson.
Susan couldn’t really blame them. Lisa was her own worst enemy, and if the truth were known, she also wanted her sister to remain in jail a little longer. Lisa was away from alcohol and drugs, and because she was lonely, she actually looked forward to Gladys’s visits. If she had been out on the streets, she would never have given herself a chance to get to know Gladys. They all hoped Lisa would be kept in jail the whole six months, so her body could have time to recover from the drugs and alcohol. They wanted this because they knew she had been in jail several other times and always went right back to her old ways.
Susan arrived at the jail at nine o’clock. Several people turned and stared at her as she entered. This was a small town where everyone knew everything. She had been coming in to visit her sister once a week since Lisa was jailed, so when she hadn’t shown up for the past three weeks, her absence was noticed. After all, women like her didn’t usually come visiting at the city jail. She looked quite out of place, and the officers had grown fond of her visits. Although she was only twenty-one, she carried herself with an air of dignity and class. She was not the type of woman at whom these men would feel comfortable whistling.
Many an afternoon had been spent comparing these two sisters. The officers knew Lisa very well. They knew what she was and what she had done. This sister was a puzzle to them. She obviously loved Lisa because she kept coming back to visit, but they were as different as night and day. The officers affectionately called Lisa “the sailor” because she had such a foul mouth. However, they did notice that when her sister or the old lady came for visits, Lisa cleaned it up a little.
After a visit, one of the officers tried to talk to her about Susan. He wanted to know who she was, where she lived, and how old she was. Lisa blasted him with a mouthful of words that made even him blush. She didn’t want any of them messing with her sister. “She’s just a kid, and a really nice one at that. If I find out any of you ever try to get close to her, you’ll be sorry.”
Lisa loved her sister and was proud of how she had turned out. She hated the fact that Susan had to come to this filthy dump, putting up with these creeps, in order to see her. In spite of Lisa, the officers had found out some things about Susan. One had overheard a conversation between Lisa and Gladys. Apparently, the old lady spent one whole visit describing the wedding. This surprised them since Susan was so young and had never worn a ring when she visited. Now they knew she was married and lived in Atlanta.
She had become somewhat of a game for them. They all looked forward to her visits, hoping to add more clues. She always behaved like a lady, so they behaved like gentlemen. If one of them got her into a polite conversation and found out another piece to their puzzle, he would gloat about it all afternoon before telling the others. So when she came walking in that Monday morning, the officers were quite happy to see her.
Officer Jackson noticed the ring on her left hand as he greeted her. He was certain it had not been there before because none of them would have missed a ring like that. “Good morning, Ms. Miller, how was your drive this morning?”
“Good morning, Officer Jackson, the drive was fine. By the way, it’s no longer Ms. Miller. I’m now Mrs. Thomas.”
Susan wasn’t used to saying her new name out loud, so it made her smile.
“Well, congratulations, Mrs. Thomas! That news will disappoint several of our single young officers around here.” Jackson couldn’t help but smile. He had been the first to get the news and couldn’t wait to spread it around.
“I’m sure your sister is anxious to see you, so I’ll take you right in.” He didn’t want the others to have a shot at talking to her. He wanted this information to come from him, so he walked her into a visiting room and said, “I’ll be right back with your sister.”
Lisa was brought in a few minutes later. She had never met Scott, but as far as she was concerned, all men were alike; they were all dogs. Her cynical philosophy was, if you are going to marry one, at least marry a wealthy one. If you’re going to cry, it’s better in a Cadillac than in a Chevy. “So, Susan, how’s married life treating you?”
“It’s wonderful. I can’t wait for you to meet Scott. Why don’t you put him on your visitor list so he can come in with me next time?”
“Susan, I don’t care to meet anyone new while in this jail. If he’s still around when I get out, then we can meet. The most important thing is, how is he treating you?”
“Lisa, I’ve told you, I’ve known his family for years. They’re really great people. Scott is loving and kind. You’ll like him.”
“I hope so. It’s not like I want to be right about him, ya know. I do want you to be happy, but all those wealthy families are the same. They think they’re better than everyone else. I hope they don’t turn on you after a while.”
Susan sat there and stared at her sister. “You know, for someone who absolutely hates Mother, you sound just like her. That’s something she would have said. Everyone in the world does not think like our mother. Being wealthy doesn’t make someone a snob any more than being poor makes someone honest and hard-working. These are good, good people. They are caring and kind, and I love them.”
“I’m glad for you. I really am. You deserve to be happy, but do me a favor.” With this came a face of steel as she snapped, “Don’t ever compare me to Mother again. I’m nothing like her.”
Lisa’s hatred for their mother was so deep, yet there were so many similarities between them. She simply couldn’t see them.
Quickly changing the subject, Susan told Lisa all about their trip to New York and all the great things they did there. Her wedding pictures weren’t back yet, so all she had were the snapshots the family had taken during the wedding.
Lisa was quiet as she looked through the pictures. As hard a shell as she had developed, she did feel bad that there was never going to be a wedding for her. As much as she protested marriage, she also longed for someone to love her and want her, but that was never going to be. She had made sure of that. Who would ever want her now? She had really made a mess of her life.
“Your Scott is a nice looking man. Everything looks like it was real nice. Did Mother go to your wedding? I don’t see her in any of these pictures.”
“No, she didn’t attend. She’s still the same old person you always knew. She has no love or time for anything or anyone, especially us. Lisa, our childhood was not our fault, and we didn’t deserve the way they treated us. We simply had the misfortune of being born into their marriage, but I no longer allow them to control or affect me, and that includes my memories.”
With a flash of anger that was meant to end this conversation, Lisa responded, “They haven’t controlled me since I was seventeen. That’s why I ran away. I will never let them hurt me again.”
Susan knew what she wanted to share, but she was not sure if her sister would sit still long enough to listen. “Lisa, why do you believe you’re sitting here in this jail right now?”
Not liking where this was going, Lisa snapped, “That’s silly. We both know what I did.”
Determined to keep Lisa on this subject, she responded, “No, I don’t think we both do know. Why do you believe you’re sitting in this jail right now?”
Lisa began squirming in her chair. She didn’t like talking about herself to anyone, including her sister. “I sold some drugs to support my habit. Do you feel better now? Does that make you happy?”
“No, it doesn’t make me happy, but I think you need to ask yourself another question. Why do you feel you need to take drugs and alcohol? We both know you’re not taking them for the wonderful feelings they provide. Why do you need them?”
“You’ve never done drugs, so you can’t possibly know how they control you.” Lisa always loved it when she could throw the “you never so you can’t possibly know” routine at people. It always shut them up. There had been lots of people through the years who had tried to deal with her drug and alcohol problems. Every druggie on the street had a line to throw back at them. The truth was she really didn’t want to fight it. She wanted everyone to leave her alone.
“You know, I think you use drugs as a shield. First you take those drugs to numb your pain and hurt. Then, when you begin self-destructing, you throw up the drugs as a shield so you can blame them for the mess you’re in. That way you never have to look at or talk about the real things that are causing you so much pain. You’d rather kill yourself than face them. I’m through talking drugs to you, Lisa. We need to get to the things that are driving you to those drugs. Yes, we had a lousy childhood, and no one can ever give us another one. But Lisa, you’re allowing our parents to continue cheating you. They cheated you of your childhood, and now you’re allowing them to cheat you of your adulthood. As long as you hold on to your bitterness and hatred toward them, you’ll continue to destroy your own life.”
Lisa’s eyes were blazing with emotion. “If you think I’m going to forgive them, you’re crazy. They don’t deserve to be forgiven. They both can rot in hell for all I care.”
“I’m not talking about forgiving them. I’m talking about letting go of your anger. It’s killing you. You are killing you, Lisa, and I love you too much to stand by and keep silent any longer. Please, at least think about what I’ve said.”
Susan knew she had said enough for today. Lisa was not someone you could push too far or too fast. But between Aunt Gladys and her, they were going to keep at it until they got through that shield someday. They both were determined to keep loving Lisa until she was able to love herself.
Standing up to leave, she gave Lisa a hug. “I do love you. You’re not alone in this place.”
With that, Susan left for home.
Chapter 20
Determined to get Susan out of the apartment building and away from her mother as soon as possible, the first order of business was to find a new place to live. Within a month they found a cute little three bedroom house and spent their first year of marriage remodeling and making it their own.
By their first anniversary, the house was finally finished, and Susan found herself getting anxious for Carol Anne to come home. It was now April, and Carol Anne would be back in June. She had applied to all the high schools in Atlanta and had received an offer from their old high school to teach history. Carol Anne was finally coming home for good, and Susan was getting anxious to show off her “new” old house.
A week or so later, Susan suspected she might be pregnant but didn’t want to say anything until she was sure. She scheduled a doctor’s appointment for the middle of May and carefully guarded her feelings. She didn’t want to get her hopes up too high in case it turned out to be a false alarm. When the doctor confirmed her suspicions, she went right to the office to tell Scott he was going to be a father. Everyone was so excited; Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were going to be grandparents, and Carol Anne was going to be an aunt. Even Lisa allowed herself to get excited, but one month later Susan lost the baby.
The loss was devastating to everyone, but Susan was inconsolable. She so wanted that baby. She found herself weeping all the time and didn’t have the energy to go anywhere. She did what she had always done when pain became too great for her: she crawled into bed and slept. This had been her escape as a child, and she was doing it again. It wasn’t a sleep of comfort but of escape.
Several times Caroline called and invited her to go shopping or out to lunch, but Susan always gave some excuse and turned her down. This went on for weeks, and Scott was getting worried. This was his first experience seeing Susan’s depression and withdrawal, and it scared him. Finally, when it had lasted more than a month, Scott went to talk with his mother. “I don’t know what to say to her. How do you help someone get over a loss like this? She’s hurting, and I want to grieve with her but she shuts me out. It’s like she doesn’t want me near her, and that really hurts. I’m trying to be patient, but I lost my baby too. Why won’t she let me hurt with her?”
He then allowed the tears he had been holding back for weeks to flow. He had been trying so hard to be strong for Susan he had not allowed his own loss to express itself.
Caroline sat there with her arm around her grieving son. For a few minutes they both gave themselves permission to cry together over the loss of this much-wanted baby. She had struggled with her own emotions and understood what her son was feeling.
“Sometimes it just takes time. All her life Susan has had to cope with hurt all by herself. She’s found her own way of nursing her pain and has to learn how to let people in. You need to be patient with her. She’s not doing this because she doesn’t want you to help her. She doesn’t know how to let you help her.”
“Mom, I love her so much. It kills me to see her hurting. What can I do to help her learn to let me in?”
“All I can tell you is to be there. Let her know you care, and don’t drive her deeper into her shell by pushing too hard. This is new territory for all of us. No one comes through a childhood like hers without some problems. We both need to keep reminding her that we love her.”
Caroline knew what she was telling her son was right. She also knew her son was scared and hurting. “Why don’t you try to get her out of the house once in a while? Maybe the four of us could take a weekend trip somewhere.”
“I’ve tried! She doesn’t want to leave the house. I guess I simply have to keep trying. Thanks for letting me get my feelings out. I think I just needed to cry with someone. I know she’ll come out of this mood one of these days.”
As she watched her son drive off, she went over everything she had said to him. It hurt seeing her son struggling so, but she also knew this was something her son and his wife would have to learn to handle if they were going to have a strong, happy marriage. Life is hard and everyone will have things they have to face, but she knew this was more than just the loss of their baby. Finding a way to help his wife handle hurt was going to be one of her son’s hardest battles, but she knew he was a strong person and he loved Susan. She knew her son would find a way to help her.
A week later Gladys called and asked if she and Lisa could come for a visit. At first Susan dreaded the idea of guests in the house. She had gotten used to turning people down and started to do the same to Aunt Gladys when she heard herself say, “That sounds fine. You and Lisa haven’t seen the house since we finished it. How is Lisa doing? Has she been behaving herself?”
“Oh, she has her good days and bad days, but over all, I think she’s trying very hard to turn her life around. You know, Susan, Lisa didn’t want to tell you, but she really took it hard when you and Scott lost that baby. I’ve never seen her in such pain. She knew how much you were hurting, and she really fell apart. You’ve always been the strong one, and she has always leaned on you, but when you needed to lean she knew she couldn’t help you. Now that some time has passed, I think it would be good for Lisa to come up and visit for a day or two.”
Listening to Aunt Gladys, Susan realized how much she had been consumed with her own grief. She hadn’t thought much about everyone else’s loss. Oh, she and Scott had grieved together a little, but then he went back to work and got busy. She had retreated into her own little world of sorrow. It never occurred to her that this would have affected Lisa. Then she thought about Mrs. Thomas, and all the phone calls and invitations to lunch Susan had turned down.
She hung up the phone and realized she hadn’t thought about how this must have hurt Caroline
. This had been her first grandbaby. With the phone still in her hand, she decided it was time to think about someone other than herself for a change.
When she heard the friendly hello on the other end of the line she said, “Hi, Mom, do you have plans for lunch today? I thought we could grab a bite and maybe do a little shopping.”
“That sounds wonderful, Susan. Why don’t I pick you up around ten and we’ll make a day of it?” As she hung up, she wondered what had turned Susan around. She didn’t know, but she certainly was thankful.
Susan jumped into the shower, and while she washed her hair she realized this had been Scott’s and her first big crisis, and she hadn’t handled it very well. Instead of trusting him for emotional support, she had retreated into her own little world, trying to drive away her hurt and pain. She knew she needed to learn a better way of dealing with hurt. She wasn’t quite sure how to go about it, but one thing was certain—she needed to start by apologizing to Scott.
She put on a bright summer dress and had a big smile on her face when Caroline arrived. “Hi, Mom, I thought it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m sorry for the way I’ve behaved.”
Caroline gave her a big hug. “The loss of a baby is a terrible thing. Sometimes, time is the only thing that helps.”
She could always count on Caroline to be gracious. She was never one to rub someone’s nose in his or her failure and was always quick to give a word of encouragement. What a contrast she was to Susan’s own mother. She was so thankful to have Caroline Thomas in her life.
The two went shopping that afternoon and had a good time together. When Mrs. Thomas pulled into the driveway later that day, Susan leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Mom, I’m sorry about the baby. I know I wasn’t the only one to lose something precious.”
Big tears quickly came into Caroline’s eyes. The hurt was raw and real. These two women were sitting there for a moment sharing a common loss together, each understanding the other’s pain. Caroline reached over and squeezed her hand. “I love you, Susan, and in time, there will be other babies for us to love. I don’t know why we had to give this little one back to God, but I know I can trust Him to know what’s best.”
Wall of Silence Page 19