“Yep. You just never know who or what might want to try a taste of your beaver,” I teased.
“Don’t look at me,” Randy said, folding his arms. He clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “Please.” I noticed his eyes shift from Gertie and back to me.
His response caught me off guard. That’s weird. Why would he even think I’d meant for my joke to be directed at him? He knew damn well I was aware Gertie was the wrong gender for him. Did I miss something? I decided to shelve my curiosity, reserving it for a full interrogation at a later date.
“So what brings you two out here? Couldn’t risk missing the fun, I bet. You’re just in time, too. We have a tree-hugging ceremony this evening.”
“Oh, thank God! And here we were worried that we’d miss it.” Randy put his hands on Gertie’s shoulders and they jumped up and down. Mr. Sarcasm was, of course, feigning excitement, but Gertie was oblivious to his charade.
“Give me your attention, children,” I said, using my teacher’s voice. “Gertie, we had a problem with our Karma, Inc. webcast today. Our target couple ended up going off a cliff in the canyon. We came to see if they were okay and last we heard they walked right past Millie. Have you seen them?”
“You mean the aliens? Strange people. They didn’t even smile. They said their Motorhome broke down. Some of the hippies gave them a ride to the ranger station.”
“But they weren’t hurt? They were okay?”
“Better than okay. They were as fit as the butcher’s dogs. Did you know aliens wore bowling shoes? Isn’t that something? I admit, I’m disappointed they weren’t little bug-eyed green folk.”
“Amazing,” Randy replied, astonished. Pulling me aside, he whispered. “Hear that, Kel? The aliens—I mean, the Schwanzes are just fine. Can we just go home now?”
“No way. We have some trees to hug this evening, smart-ass. You saw how happy Gertie was when you acted all excited. It would break that sweet girl’s heart if we left now.”
“Fine. Call me when it’s time. I’ll be sitting next to the Kovacs’ cannabis fire. At least until snuggling with a spruce starts to make sense.”
I was watching Gertie pet her beaver when I saw it again—a sign. She looked up at Randy as he walked away, her eyes lingering long enough to make me wonder.
“Gertie, what’s going on between you and Randy?”
“Nothing, of course not! Nothing! I’m in love with Brad and Randy is gay, case closed.”
“Gertie? Spill it.”
“Jaysus, is everyone a psychic these days? First Ezzy, and now you.” Gertie sighed. “Randy and I have been living together for quite a while. We’ve spent so much time together, talking, working, relaxing… it’s… umm… I’m… I’m accidentally getting feelings.”
“Sometimes a close friendship is love too. You’re those kinds of friends, I suppose. I’m sorry if I thought something else.”
“Well, actually… I’m talking about the kind of feelings you get when you imagine ripping a man’s clothes off and riding him like a rented horse. Only, I’d never in a million years do anything like that. Even if I sometimes really want to. Like I said, it’s accidental.”
“Have you told Randy about this?” I held my breath for a few seconds. “Or Brad?”
“God, no! Still, they both somehow know. Brad told me so. It’s not all the time that I feel that way, mind you. In fact, it’s so seldom I wouldn’t think it could ever be a problem. Brad trusts me and he’s not jealous. He knows it’s just a natural response, considering our living arrangement.”
“It’s a side effect of living with a cute gay male friend. He’s also my brother so whatever you do, please be careful not to hurt his feelings. Under that sarcastic, hard shell is a very sweet and thoughtful person. You’re brewing up a recipe for disaster.”
“Oh, that I know. I’d never hurt him.”
I picked up the baby beaver and nuzzled it. “Good.”
My ears perked up at the sounds of several men and women grunting and moaning. The calls of “Oh, God!” as well as assorted expletives really gave it away.
“What in the hell is going on over there? A hippie orgy?” I asked, amused and more than a little shocked.
“That’s the old hippies doing their yoga. Someone is always popping a hip joint or straining something. Still, they’re a pretty active bunch for their age, judging by the way they danced last night at their coyote party.”
“Coyote party?”
“Maybe they called it the coyote ceremony. Anyway, I don’t know where those coyotes were. I looked for them all night and didn’t see a single hair. The hippies didn’t care. They were too busy eating cactus mush that made them stone mad. You should have seen them, Jaysus! Hooting and howling like apes kicking around a wasp nest.”
“Ah, I see. I think it was a peyote ceremony,” I replied.
“Peyotes? I didn’t see any of them either. They must have run those poor creatures off along with the coyote.”
It had been a long strange day, but I made it a point that we’d stick around long enough to hug a tree. I filled Gertie in what had happened during the webcast, as well as Ezzy pulling the plug on Karma, Inc.. She took it in stride, like she does everything.
I wish I could skip optimistically through life with a pair of my own rose-colored glasses. I don’t consider myself a pessimist, just a realist. I know when life has me on the ropes, and when the punches are about to land.
Gertie is therapy. Hanging out with her always brightens my day. Maybe my foresight and careful planning are over-rated traits.
I’d always thought the whole tree hugging idea was nuts, but it turned out to be surprisingly transcendental. At first, I felt like the tree was actually communicating with me, as an individual. After a while, it became mystical, like I’d been allowed into a secret world of the trees.
Randy didn’t get any of it. He wrapped his arms around a sturdy pine and fell sound asleep. The tree was the only thing stopping gravity from slapping Randy face-down in the dirt.
Chapter Five
Werebear Time
After flying Randy safely home to the Plantation, I went back to my apartment with a new set of worries pestering me.
Karma, Inc. was shut down, which wouldn’t be so bad, but I’d come to depend on the extra money our little venture provided. I was worried about Gertie’s potential love triangle train wreck, and I missed Gabe.
Mostly, I missed Gabe.
Checking my calendar, I looked again at the big red heart I’d drawn around the upcoming weekend. My cat, Gemma, greeted me with a drive-by touch of her silky black fur on my leg. “Five days to go until my three-day weekend with Gabe. I can hardly wait! I wish I could be with him tonight.”
“Meow.”
“What, just take my broom and whisk my way up there for a magical booty call? I can’t.”
“Meow.”
“Why? Because… I don’t know if I can explain it.”
My trio of noisy Chihuahuas raced into the bedroom, forcing Gemma to the safety of her shag carpet cat tree. Our conversation was over.
The fact is, I’m not big on surprises. I once saw a video of a soldier surprising his girlfriend by returning home early and all I could think was, “What if?” I mean, let’s be honest, not every relationship is perfect. How traumatic would it be if their relationship hadn’t even gone to that higher level? Maybe they’d only been dating a short while before he left and he just assumed she was willing to pick back up, right where they’d parted so long before. It could end badly—restraining-order badly. Even worse, if he surprised an unfaithful partner.
Being away from your lover, loneliness has a way of messing with your head. My conclusion; Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; it just makes you a psycho. At least, that was my experience, and I’d only been away from Gabe for a month.
I knew I couldn’t let my imagination or my heart get carried away. I vowed there’d be no more tear-jerking reunion videos for me and I wou
ld never again just pop in on Gabe unannounced. Otherwise, he’d think I was the crazed stalker I was probably turning into.
But to be fair, the one time I did pop in unannounced I was on the run, trying to hide out from the Witches Union after another magical disaster.
The days and nights ground slowly. It seemed as if time was controlled on a decrepit master world clock, corroded by rust and maintained by lazy elves with sloth-like urgency. But Friday eventually came, and it was sweet.
I’d cheated and used my broom for the commute to school, zipping home as soon as I dismissed my students. I’d laid out sexy lingerie and a brand new red dress. The plunging neckline and short slit skirt were intentionally chosen to convey to Gabe exactly what I had in mind. Gabe had previously told me about the reservations he’d made for us at a club that I understood to be very exclusive. My sexy dress would be perfect for both. To make sure all of my bases were covered, I’d even enlisted Gertie’s help to pick up my pets later for a weekend stay at her Paranormal Plantation.
Adjusting my outfit in the mirror, I felt confident in my sensual look. I had to admit, I was damn proud of my cleavage. The dress was perfect. It showed off my curves without making me look like a misshapen balloon animal. Yes, I’d found the plus-sized girl’s Holy Grail.
Strapping on a pair of ruby heels, I addressed the furry little crowd gathered at my feet. “Be good, you guys. Listen to Gertie this weekend. I’ll be home Monday night.”
With my weekend bag, packed and ready, in one hand and my wand in the other, I zapped myself to Gabe’s cozy log home.
Flames danced in the fireplace, casting a dim flicking glow across the living room. I quickly scanned the room for Gabe, but it appeared I was alone. “Gabe?” I asked, timidly.
“Oh yeah, I forgot you were coming over.” Gabe’s words shot from the shadowy hallway, stinging me.
“Forgot?” I asked—or nearly scolded, you could say. As quick as my heart sank, it rose back up. Gabe stepped into the light, grinning like a boy on Christmas morning. He carried a bouquet of red roses in his hand.
“Forgot? Hmm, then I guess I better claim those roses before you hand them off to some other girl,” I teased.
“I’ve been counting down the hours, baby.” He handed me the roses, but I only had a few seconds to admire them before he brushed his hand across my neck and pulled me close. We kissed, our tongues eagerly meeting. Our passion was hot and urgent, as were his hands.
I gently tossed the roses onto a nearby end table and let my hands roam from the back of his head to his tight ass. His lips moved to my neck. “Maybe we should just stay in tonight. You’re all I want,” he whispered. Judging by the feel of his bulging erection pressing against my thigh, Gabe’s mind had skipped dinner and was moving on to dessert.
“Nuh-uh. Let’s go out and let this build. I have the feeling it’s going to be a long night.”
“Okay,” Gabe relented. “I wanted to show you off anyway. You look beautiful.”
“Thanks. You look great too.” I didn’t know what else to say. Of course he looked great. The only problem was, I was dressed to go to a club while Gabe was dressed like we were going to the movies. “Do you think this dress is okay for tonight?”
“Are you kidding, Kel? You couldn’t look hotter.”
“Flattery like that will get you laid, big boy.” As if there was any doubt. “Now, take me out. Wine, dine, and seduce me.”
“Your carriage awaits.” Gabe led us out of the house and on to the porch. Imagine my surprise when he opened the driver’s side door of his pickup. “Hop in and slide over, just not too far.”
I cautiously eyed the passenger door while awkwardly avoiding the stick shift. “Something happen to your door?”
“I was giving my nephews a lift to school one morning and they were in such a hurry. Anyway, as weird as it sounds, they forgot to shift. Can you believe it? So, be careful with that door. The only thing keeping you from taking a sled ride on a Ford door is a little bit of scrap wire and some duct tape.”
The image of two rowdy bear cubs accidentally ripping Gabe’s truck door off had me in tears. I found it absolutely hilarious. And somehow Gabe managed to make the bizarre incident seem perfectly normal.
As we traveled, the road wound its way through the dark forest. The only visible light in the distance was a single bright neon light. As we got closer, I tried to make out the words on the illuminated sign.
“Is that it?”
“No. That’s a slimy strip club, Cheese Nips.”
“Cheese Nips? Only in Wisconsin.”
A few miles farther, I saw another sign. “Caldron Falls Su Per Club. So what makes this place so super, Gabe?”
“It’s supposed to say Supper Club. That one letter has been burnt out for years.”
“Supper Club? As in the evening meal club? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
Driving slowly through the gravel parking lot, Gabe did his best to explain. “A supper club is… well, it’s a diner which is trying hard to be a fancy restaurant by adding a bar, serving better food, and putting candles on the tables.”
“Not the club I imagined,” I mumbled, straightening out my skirt. “Maybe I should fly home and change.”
“Are you kidding? You look so hot, I can’t wait to see the heads turn when you walk in.”
“If you say so,” I agreed, but by the looks of the sprawling, log-sided building I wished I’d just worn jeans and a sweater.
Chapter Six
Dinner Date Disaster
Gabe certainly got what he hoped for. He opened the heavy wooden door, took my hand and walked with me past a row of coat hangers. Looking at the mix of Packers coats and snowmobile jackets, I felt like I was wearing a prom dress to a keg party.
We entered the bar and were greeted by an older woman with sparkling blue eyes and a genuinely happy smile. “Gabe! So good to see you. So this is the girl that’s taken you off the market?” Her eyes scanned me from head to toe. “I can see why!”
“Yep! Meet my girlfriend, Kelly Franchetti,” Gabe said proudly. “Kelly, this is Pearl. I’ve known her since I was just a…”
Pearl leaned closer to me, “Since he was a little cub. It’s okay, I’ve known his family secret for a long time. I used to babysit Gabe. It sure is nice to see him so happy lately. I can see why!”
I imagined Gabe as a toddler. “That’s so sweet of you, Pearl. I bet Gabe was just the cutest little boy.”
“And a handful! By the way, I really like your dress, Kelly. Shows off your assets. If I’d have known my body was going to betray me in my old age, I’d have worn dresses like that every day when I still could. I’m afraid if I tried to now, I’d scare every man out of the county. Good thing the ones still interested in me are too old and slow to get away,” Pearl laughed at her admission and gave me a playful little pinch on my arm. “Follow me, lovebirds. I have a cozy little table reserved for you.”
Pearl steered us through a path of tables filled with casually dressed diners. It was like passing through a gauntlet lined with gawking men and women who were taking stock of what was soon to be the most scandalous topic for the gossip mills in Caldron Falls.
Two men, back by the bar, were having a good laugh and it seemed to be at my expense.
“A couple of assholes in every crowd,” I mumbled.
“Don’t worry, Kel. They’re probably laughing at me. They’re a couple of no-good poachers, and I’ve been trying to prove it for months. Just ignore them.”
“Here you go. The sweetheart table you asked for, Gabe.” Pearl pointed to a table for two in a romantic nook, two steps up from the dining room. It was cute, and I really loved the wall of windows designed to give a panoramic view of the moonlit lake.
“I’m impressed. First, you give me roses. Second, I find out you’ve been telling people how happy you are with me, and then you reserved this romantic little table. I’m starting to think you have a thing for me.” I winked.
; He held my hand while he ordered drinks, but I was barely paying attention to the server. I was lost in my memories of making love with him as I studied his eyes, his lips, and his neck. Honestly, I could barely contain myself as explicit memories flashed through my mind. His big strong hand had a surprising gentleness to it as he caressed mine. It reminded me of the magical day we met.
The waitress brought a bottle of wine, and I sipped a glass down. I hadn’t eaten a thing all day and the wine had me lightheaded in no time.
I’ve never been reputed to be modest or restrained, and I’m certainly not uptight, but I’ve maintained a few taboos—namely those that entail the performance of sex acts in public. But the wine’s warm buzz melted away my reservations.
Casually flicking off my shoes, I lifted one leg up under the table and placed my toes on the inside of Gabe’s thighs.
Now, let me stop right here and talk about fiction versus reality. I don’t care what you read in books or see in movies—a playful, under-the-table foot-job is more awkward than one can imagine. The small table didn’t accommodate my long leg. I had to bend my knee to allow my toes to find Gabe’s bulging erection.
“You like that, huh?” I teased. “I bet you’d like this more.” I brought his hand to my lips and placed his index finger in my open mouth, gently sucking on it. Pausing to tease him, I said, “Just think how good it will feel when I take it in my mouth, Gabe. All of it.”
Gabe looked like he was about to take me right there. He played it cool, for about five seconds. Then he opened his mouth and a garbled sentence tumbled out. "Well play can two at that game. Uh. I mean, um. Two can play that game." When the tip of my tongue touched the base of his finger, his eyes looked like they were going to pop right out of his head. I loved it.
It was going great until I decided to use my toes to work open his zipper. “What if I do this?” My knee hit a small bolt on the underside of the tabletop. The cursed hardware jabbed me right in the tender tissue under my kneecap.
Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3) Page 3