“No. You don’t get it. This funeral is for a man named Mike Litoris.” I pointed to the sign. “See?”
“Ahhh. I see. Do you know the corpse?”
“He’s a mobster—er, was a mobster. They called him ‘the Bean,’ but I have no idea why.”
“Mike Litoris, AKA the Bean? You seriously don’t get it, Kelly?”
“Nope, but never mind that. More importantly, Uncle Carmine and his buddies will probably be here too.” I didn’t know much about the Bean, but what little I’d heard was always accompanied by a stream of disparaging Sicilian insults. “They’ll come just to make sure he’s really dead.”
Ezzy wasn’t even listening. She’d already taken a seat in the back row of pews. I quickly nestled in next to her, staring at the casket resting in front of the altar.
“Look up there,” Ezzy whispered, discreetly pointing a finger toward the ceiling above the altar. I spotted a flap of broken plaster hanging down like a trap door that had recently sent an unwitting victim down to the sanctuary. “Barney must have fallen through the ceiling. Keep an eye out. He’s got to be skulking around here somewhere.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin when a familiar deep voice attempted to whisper in my ear. “Hey, what’s a nice kid like you doin’ in a place like this?”
“Hamster! You scared the hell out of me.” Uncle Carmine’s loyal right-hand man was as much as family to me as the rest of his crew. “You checking up on me or something?”
“Nah. I got a part time gig driving the corpse taxi. Easy job. The riders never complain, but they don’t tip worth a damn,” Hamster laughed. “See all these people? They’re not too upset. They’re just here to check on Mike the Bean. Everyone wants to be sure it was true. Look around—every boss in Chicago has someone here making sure that bum is dead. Even the feds are here.”
“Great.” I smacked my forehead. Barney couldn’t land in an abandoned warehouse. No, he had to crash on stage in front of the mob, the cops, and the Church.
“Yeah. Everyone is happy. We all want to shake the hand of whoever whacked him. So what are you doing here?”
“Uh…” I had no idea what to say.
But Ezzy’s twisted mind had already cooked up a clever lie as an excuse for why we were there. “Hamster, have you ever heard of the Hunchback of Notre Dame?”
“Sure. Classic movie.”
“Well, Kelly’s students are putting it on as a play. The kid that plays the part of Quasimodo went completely bonkers. He’s totally convinced this is Notre Dame Cathedral and that he is the hunchback.”
“Ezzy’s right,” I added. “As soon as we see that boy, we’ll haul him right out of here and set him straight. So, what happened to Mike Litoris?”
“The official report says he was up North on a fishing trip. The old man was in his canoe just paddling around and got caught up in the whitewater. They found him washed up at the bottom of the falls. Now, some guys say it wasn’t exactly an accident. Like maybe someone took a big stick and beat the Bean right off that canoe.”
“Good Goddess. You should hear yourselves,” Ezzy laughed.
“Shh!” I scolded her. “Here comes Uncle Leo. It looks like he’s ready to get started.”
“Welcome, friends and family, as we gather to celebrate a funeral Mass for the dearly departed. Before we begin, is there anyone who would like to come up and say a few words?”
A portly, gray-haired woman dressed in red stood up. “I will,” she announced and walked resolutely to the podium.
“She’s the widow,” Hamster pointed out. “She ought to be dressed in black.”
“I have something to say and I’ll say it for all of you who have been afraid to say it to that dead son-of-a-bitch’s face.”
As you’d expect, the crowd gasped, some laughed, and a few looked around nervously.
“I am so grateful someone finally whacked Mike Litoris. It was way overdue,” she continued. “Thank you for finally taking care of business!”
“Come on!” Uncle Leo slapped the podium. “You’re in God’s house, for Christ’s sake. Say something nice. You can lie. It’s okay. I’ll waive the usual penance.”
“Something nice? Well, hmm. Oh, I know! Mike Litoris was good at hide and seek. You all came looking, but never finding. I can’t tell you how many times I wished you idiots would just find Mike Litoris and be done with it. And he was tough, like the Timex watch commercials. Mike Litoris could take a licking but keep on ticking.”
Next to me, Ezzy was doubled over, gasping for air and slapping the pew in front of her. When I saw her discarded foil sandwich wrapper from Al’s lying on the floor, I assumed she was in a digestive crisis.
“Oh shit! Hamster! She’s choking. I should have warned her about Al’s sandwiches. You’ve got to chew the hell out of them. The meat is like chewing a shredded tire.”
“I got her.” Hamster Dick moved with a surprisingly quick cat-like pounce. Almost instantly, he was behind her, his heavy arms wrapped around her midsection. Now, to be honest, I have witnessed some bizarre stuff but what I saw next took the prize.
Ezzy was draped over the pew, her arms flailing out in front of her while the geriatric, running-suit clad mobster rhythmically pumped her from behind. The too-short hem of her dress flopped up over her back, revealing a teensy black thong that might just as well have been drawn on with a Sharpie marker.
“Jesus Christ! What in the name of Mary Magdalene is going on back there?” Uncle Leo shouted.
“She’s choking, Padre Leo!” Hamster huffed and pumped. “I’m. Doing. The thing!”
Hamster’s distraction was just the opportunity Ezzy needed to break free. She spun around and held her open palm out. Her eyes flashed and she growled, “I was laughing, not choking, you Neanderthal! My wand, now.”
“Ezzy, no! You can’t.”
“Oh, fine. Listen, Hamster. Next time you get the urge to bend me over and hump me like you’re in a Turkish prison, I want you to imagine spending the rest of your natural life buried up to your neck in a hill of flesh-eating ants. Capisce?”
“Ha! Io non penso,” Hamster replied in Italian. “I just saved your life and you’re talking about sex? Now, if you are so interested in making love with me, I have better maneuvers than the Heimlich. Trust me, you’ll be screaming my name and begging for more.”
Ezzy’s eyes twinkled and she began to flirt with Hamster.
“Ugh. Ezzy,” I grumbled and shook my head. Even stretching my imagination past its breaking point would not allow me to believe Ezzy would ever scream out, “Hamster, fuck me!” It was beyond bizarre.
She reached for his white-haired chest and gently twirled his gold Italian horn pendant. “Hmm. They say these will protect you from witches.”
“But they can also give a man the stamina of a bull. A bull!” Hamster replied with a smile.
“I have to say, I definitely felt something pressing against me.” Her hand swept down below his waist and grabbed a huge bulge, squeezing it twice. “You didn’t get the name Hamster Dick because of anything small down here. I’ll stop by sometime and make you thirty years younger.”
“It’s a date, Sweetcheeks.”
My eyes involuntarily clamped shut. “Oh God. You know we are in church right? Church! It might be the back of the church, but it’s still church!”
I was certain the sight of Hamster giving Ezzy the dry-hump-Heimlich maneuver was the most bizarre thing I’d ever seen. That changed, quickly.
The back row antics had distracted us from looking for Barney. Screams and shouts brought our attention back to the front of the church. Several people had closed in around the casket. Someone or something was trapped inside, pounding and scratching at the lid.
Uncle Leo, guarded by a formation of crucifix-wielding altar boys, cautiously moved to the head of the casket. The crowd became silent while Uncle Leo sprinkled holy water on the coffin.
“It’s like a bizarre vampire-slaying ritual,” I whispered.
/> The church was charged with suspense as the old priest touched the casket’s locking mechanism. We were like a classroom of little kids, watching each movement of the priest’s hand as if he were turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box.
The lid suddenly sprang open and out popped Barney, reminding me of one of those strippers bursting out of a giant cake. Except, in this case, the stripper was a talking frog in a black leather vest and matching chaps. He jumped up and down on the corpse’s chest, shrieking like a scalded pig.
The second he spotted Ezzy, he sprang off the corpse and hopped over the pews, right into Ezzy’s arms. “Get me out of this nightmare!”
Ezzy headed for the door while I grabbed Hamster’s arm. “Come on, Hamster. We need a ride!”
“Okay. At least you’re a livelier bunch,” he quipped as we hurried to the waiting hearse.
Ezzy tossed Barney through the open rear door of the hearse like he was a rubber dodgeball and dove in after him. I climbed into the passenger seat and waited for Hamster.
“So where can I take you ladies?”
“Just a few blocks over. I have my car parked on the street by the campus.”
“No problem. At least you found your wayward student.”
“Huh?”
“Quasimodo.”
I nodded. “Yep. Lucky us.”
“That kid’s probably gonna need therapy after that scene back there.” Hamster glanced at Barney in his rearview mirror. “Oh man, that is one ugly little kid.”
“Shut your cake hole and drive, grandpa!” Barney shouted.
“Okay, okay. Just relax.” Hamster shook his head and grumbled, “Ugly little smart-ass.”
The verbal exchange was such a distraction we didn’t see the pedestrian until it was nearly too late. Hamster hit the brakes, and the hearse squealed to a stop just inches from a gray-haired old man.
“Professor! My God, we forgot all about him.” I leapt from my seat and helped Professor Horowitz shuffle his way to the back of the hearse. “Sit next to Ezzy.”
“Smerdy smerta. Smert.”
Hamster’s face wrinkled with disgust. “Guy looks like the walking dead.”
“What was I thinking? We’ll never fit everyone in my car. Would you mind taking us to my place, Hamster?”
“No problem.” Hamster couldn’t help glancing a few more times at Barney and the professor. “Sure are a lot of weirdos around here,” he mumbled. The rest of the drive home was quiet except for Barney’s snoring and Professor Horowitz’s gibberish.
Hamster pulled up to the curb in front of my condo. “Your cousin’s big wedding is next weekend, Kelly. Waddya say, Ezzy? How about you be my date?”
“It’s very gracious of you to ask if you can bone me, Monsieur Hamster. But I regret I may have another obligation to attend to. However, if you’re looking for some fun, I hear Kelly’s grandmother is on the lookout for someone to play hide the salami with.”
“Ezzy!” I barked, reaching back to deliver a cuff to her head. I was upset by the crude talk about Nonna, but I was equally upset about being reminded of the wedding. I had to get to work on a believable excuse, or dispose of Gabe 2.0.
“Oh? Well, that could get me in trouble. She’s the boss’s sister, you know. Carmine might blow a gasket if he found out. Still… I’ve been wanting to hit that for years.”
“Hamster!” I dealt him a cuff too, before he sped away.
Chapter Seventeen
Barney’s Tale
My luxury condo suddenly felt very small. Gabe 2.0 was sound asleep on the couch, Ezzy sat in the recliner with Barney asleep on her lap, and Professor Horowitz smerdy-smerdied his way around the room in a slow foot-shuffling circle.
“Sit down, Professor. I need to be the one pacing the floor.” Without complaint, the professor sat down on the floor and I commenced my thinking-out-loud routine.
“Thank you. We have a lot of things that need to be figured out. Like, what happened to Barney? How are we going to fix the professor? What’s making magic go crazy? What the hell are we going to do about Gabe 2.0? Not to mention I need an excuse to get out of that wedding.”
“You worry too much,” Ezzy said, petting Barney’s head.
“Ezzy, please wake Barney up so he can tell us what happened.”
“I’ve been awake for a few minutes. I was just appreciating the warmth of Ezzy’s boobs pressing against me.”
“You sick little devil,” Ezzy snarled, propping him upright.
Barney’s frog eye winked, the eyelid making a wet smacking sound. “Sick? Baby, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Anyway, so I take it you all want to hear my story? Funny. I didn’t hear anyone say please.”
“Fine. Barney, pleeeeeaase tell us how badly you fucked up and got yourself turned into cement,” I answered.
“That’s better. So, as you know, Ezzy agreed to give me a smoking hot body. And before you smart asses say anything, turning me into a fiery shooting star with that little number you did on me back at the church doesn’t count.”
“Agreed. Just tell us what happened.”
“Since Ezzy refused to follow through on her promise, I was forced to find a witch that would help me. I used my crystal balls to locate a powerful witch—one who didn’t know us. I almost choked on my tongue when my sensors picked up on just the sort of witch I needed and it turned out she was located at a museum filled with ancient statues. I mean, it was like I hit a home run! So I snuck onto a train that was heading to Chicago. After I got there, things got weird.”
“Weird? I bet.”
“Oh yeah. So I get there and I’m admiring all the statues, looking for the perfect body. Something that’s really hot, yet expresses the inner me. You know what I’m saying? It’s not easy. I really liked the marble statue of Apollo, but under the old fig leaf he came up short. So I go down in the basement and what do you know? I find the statue of a Babylonian king. He’s big, muscular, got a cool beard and everything. I said to myself, ‘Now that’s me, a fricking king!’ So I go looking for this powerful witch, and I can’t find her to save my soul.”
“Come on. You? A soul?” Ezzy teased.
“Will the peanut gallery please refrain from heckling the imp?” I said. “Go ahead, Barney.”
Barney shocked us by suddenly bellowing a tortuous rendition of “Soul Man.” Thankfully, Ezzy smacked him. “Cool it, Blues Brother.”
“Ouch! Anyway, there was no sign of her. I went back to the statue, hoping to come up with a way to get it out of there. I’m pushing, I’m shoving. Nothing. Out of nowhere came the witch. She was a spooky one too, all glowing and kind of transparent like a ghost. But I wasn’t afraid. I told her I liked the statue, but it was too heavy. Before I could explain that I wanted to become the king guy, she freaked out on me. She waved her arms and I flew around the room, bouncing off the walls, into the shelves and onto the floor. She really beat the living daylights out of me with her magic.”
“Then you turned to stone?”
“Nope. It seemed like she ran out of energy. It was weird, like she used it all up on me. I think it drained her power. She flickered and faded away. I was pretty banged up and I had to crawl out of the basement. By the time I got upstairs, she was recharged and right behind me. It took everything I had to make my escape. Once I made it out of the building, I spotted a bell tower. I figured I might have better luck climbing than on the ground. The last thing I remember is a big flash. Well, until I woke up while falling out of the sky, through a roof, and into an open casket. It’s been one hell of a trip.”
“And not even a ‘thank you.’ I don’t know, Ezzy. Maybe we should take the little ingrate back.”
“No! I’m thankful! Believe me!”
Ezzy tapped her index finger on her closed lips. “Hmm. Are you sure she was a witch? Sounds more like a ghost to me. What was she wearing?”
“What was she wearing?” Barney shouted, dismayed. “What was she wearing, she asks. How the hell do I know? I was more than a little f
reaked out at the time. I didn’t take the time to read her garment labels.”
Ezzy looked like she was going to smack him again, but held off. “So she was a glowing, translucent figure with magical powers. Powers that drained when used and had to be recharged somehow. This creature doesn’t sound like a witch to me. I’m lost as to who or what attacked you. But it’s pretty clear she was protecting the king’s statue.”
Barney squinted, suddenly noticing the professor. Pointing at Professor Horowitz, he asked, “who’s that, your grandpa? And what the hell happened to him? He looks like he was struck by lightning.”
“I was just about to ask you if you’d seen him before, Barney. This is Professor Horowitz from the museum. We found you in his office. Ezzy tried to freeze him, but we think she fried his brain,” I replied.
“Hmm. No, I don’t remember seeing him at the museum. He looks sort of familiar, like he was in a dream I forgot about.”
His vague memory made me hopeful. “Maybe you can remember some things from when you were petrified. Do you remember all the money stashed in the office?”
“Money? No. Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Ezzy opened her purse and threw a half dozen bundles of hundred-dollar bills on the coffee table. “Finders, keepers. Now you can quit worrying about paying your rent.”
“Right on, Ezzy!” Barney cheered. “When are we going back for the rest?”
“No! Nobody is going back for that money,” I scolded. “It doesn’t belong to us.”
Barney hopped over to the professor and placed his webby hands on the sides of the old man’s head. “Hey Professor, can we have all the money in your office?” He rocked the professor’s head, making a nodding motion.
“Smerdy, smerdy.”
“See? He just agreed,” Barney said.
“Stop it, Barney. Nobody keeps that kind of cash stashed in their office. Especially not a college professor.”
“He would if he’s a criminal,” Ezzy added. “It’s obvious. But should we even care? Our goal was to rescue Barney and we accomplished that. Forget about the money, let’s think about why magic has been deteriorating. It’s been getting worse, I’m afraid. Before long we’ll be powerless nobodies. Until then, Barney and I will be staying here with you and Gabe 2.0.”
Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3) Page 9