Just as she expected, he took full advantage and so did she. She liked the glide of his lips, the spreading wetness, the coarse texture of his tongue. As he bent her head over his arm, he caressed her back with a rhythm that pulled her up, up, up. Kissing him without the taste of tobacco was pure joy! Instead she tasted the sweetness from tonight’s dessert and realized that she and her husband tasted exactly alike.
A long time ago, they had made love. Was the taste of herself on his lips a sign that their marriage was meant to be? Full of hope, Abbie pressed so hard that John had to step back to brace himself. When their teeth clinked, he broke the kiss and chuckled softly.
“We don’t have to rush,” he said, cuddling her close. “It’s going to take time, just like that rock.”
But she wanted to rush. She had to be sure she could be a wife to him. The thought of being trapped in an unhappy marriage made her shudder, but even more horrifying was the picture of John locked behind the same iron gate.
Deliberately calming her voice, she said, “What if I can’t get over the past?”
His gaze stayed on her face. “What happens when my past shows up? Are you going to leave me?”
“No!” Abbie’s throat tightened as she pulled out of his arms. “I’d never walk out on you, but neither will I hold you to a marriage that can’t be consummated.”
“Isn’t that my decision?”
“Not if we’re equal partners.”
John crossed his arms over his chest. “You bet we’re equal. God made Eve from Adam’s rib because he knew Adam needed a partner. That’s what I want for us.”
But Abbie knew better than to listen to sweet talk. Patient or not, John would want sex, and he deserved that passion. Tears pressed behind her eyes. A long time ago, she had been young and full of hope, and she had let a drifter take her to bed. She had loved him. She still did. She wanted to be his wife—truly, she did—but not at the risk of trapping them both in a failed marriage.
Still wary of his promises, she looked at John who was standing with his feet planted in the dirt and his arms loose at his sides. He seemed content to wait for her answer, but a twitch of his jaw betrayed the tension.
Abbie squared her shoulders. “It’s easy to make promises, but it’s harder to keep them.”
“With a lot of love and little faith, we can have a marriage made in heaven. Say yes, Abbie.”
Say yes…say yes…
But the panic was rising in her and she felt as if she were drowning. She needed a gulp of air, a plan that would let her breathe if she couldn’t overcome her fear. Looking up at the stars, she thought of the vows they had taken in Raton. Those words had been spoken for practical reasons, but they gave her the escape she needed now. They were already married. Surely he wouldn’t object to taking his wife to bed before they renewed those vows in church.
With her heart pounding, Abbie made a snap decision. If they failed to consummate the marriage before the church ceremony, she would call off their “engagement.” If the problem with Hodge wasn’t resolved, she’d take her chances with her father. She hated the thought, but at least she wouldn’t leave Midas feeling like a chicken. She intended to seduce her husband. It was the bravest thing she could possibly do.
Glancing over her shoulder, she saw John waiting for her answer. The twitch in his jaw had turned to a full clench. She enjoyed having that power over him. Hiding a smile, Abbie decided to drive him a little bit crazier. Staring at the stars, she counted them in silence as the stream rippled past her toes.
When she got to twenty-five, John spoke with a low growl. “You haven’t answered my question.”
Abbie tipped her face in his direction. “Do you remember wading in the stream in Kansas?”
His eyes glimmered with the memory. “As I recall, we ended up just shy of buck naked.”
Abbie had never learned how to entice a man. She felt funny doing it now, but the circumstances called for boldness. Still looking at John, she sat on a flat rock, pointed one foot at him and raised her skirt to her knees so she could take off her shoes. “I’m going wading. Would you care to join me?”
“It would be my pleasure.”
Taking his cues from her, he took off his boots and rolled up his pants while Abbie peeled off her stockings. Her stomach was hopping like a jar full of frogs, but she wasn’t about to stop. She pushed to her feet, turned her back to John and looked over her shoulder with a glint in her eyes.
“Would you help me with the buttons?”
A chuckle rumbled in his chest as he came up behind her and grazed her skin with his fingers. “I thought about doing this all night.”
With each pop of a button, Abbie felt the dress loosen until it slid off her shoulders. Her chemise covered almost as much of her as the dress had, but it was far more delicate. As she tugged a sleeve down her arm, she felt John’s lips on the nape of her neck. At the same time, the dress fell to the ground in a puddle of red linen, leaving her upper chest and shoulders bare to the night. Abbie choked back a cry of panic. She felt naked and exposed. She had gone too far, too fast, and she didn’t know how to stop the momentum.
Still kissing her neck, John trailed his hands down her bare arms, then he took one of her hands and gently turned her around. “Let’s get our feet wet.”
Abbie nodded, somewhat stiffly. He was telling her he’d felt her trembling and would protect her. She liked that reassurance, but she also wanted to scream that she didn’t need to be treated like glass. But all those thoughts fled when she dipped her foot into the stream. “It’s freezing!”
“Let’s go to the middle where it’s sandy.”
With the water rushing at her ankles, Abbie followed him to a spot where the strong current reached her knees. It pushed her against John who wrapped his arms around her. For a long time, they stood chest to chest beneath the stars.
All the forces of nature were at work tonight—the swollen current pushing her against him, their bodies cleaving together for warmth, the age-old rise of a man’s hardness looking for home. Abbie ached to shelter him in that way, but she was also relieved that he had tucked her head against his throat and was merely stroking her back. When her toes were numb with cold, she looked into his eyes.
“We should go inside,” she said.
“Not yet.” His voice rumbled in his throat. “One more kiss…something to fill your dreams.”
Instead of seeking her mouth as she expected, he brought his lips to the shell of her ear and whispered, “I love you.” His breath echoed through her head, making her shiver with sensations she’d long ago forgotten. His words were soothing, but the touch of his lips made her cling to him. As she buried her face against the hot skin of his neck, she couldn’t decide if the shivering felt good or made her more afraid.
When he smiled against her cheek, she knew that John felt victorious even if she didn’t. Confusion pulsed with each beat of her heart. At best, she was a fragile seedling. One false move and she would be crushed beyond hope. As if he sensed her feelings, he kissed her tenderly on the mouth, leaving her more afraid than ever.
Holding in tears, Abbie prayed silently for God to smooth her rough edges more quickly than he’d made the promise rock.
Chapter Fourteen
John stood on the deck listening for the midnight chime of the grandfather clock. With a little luck, he’d go inside and find Abbie in his bedroom just as he had the past three nights. Much to his pleasure, his wife was dead-set on seducing him before the church ceremony. He was just as determined to take his time.
Every instinct told him she was trying too hard, and he worried about the pressure she was putting on herself. He knew from experience ghosts could spring to life without warning. He didn’t want that to happen, so he had decided to take his time. He also wanted to get her as hot and bothered as he was. Hunger gave a frightened child the boldness to steal food, and a starving man could kill with his bare hands. With a little luck, a woman full of desire would be just as re
ady to put aside her fears.
That’s why John had insisted on taking her for walks in the moonlight and smooching like kids. A smile curled his lips as he listened for the clock to chime. He intended to take things a step at a time, just as they had in Kansas. But instead of rushing to bed the minute she blinked, he’d insist they wait some more, giving that fire time to turn them into red-hot coals.
He wanted their lovemaking to melt their bones the way a blacksmith’s forge softened metal so that it could be re-shaped. He wanted Abbie’s body to mold itself to his, and he wanted his to be a column of strength for her. He wasn’t at all worried the fire would burn itself out. Judas had taken to whining, but John didn’t care. Judas wanted sex, but John wanted to make love to his wife.
He was lost in that thought when the clock chimed twelve times. John sauntered to the back door of his bedroom and went inside where, just as he had expected, Abbie was waiting for him. Only instead of being dressed for a walk beneath the stars, she had on her robe and was reading the notes on his desk.
He wasn’t sure how he felt about her reading his sermon-in-progress. His own jagged edges showed in that scribbling. Sometimes it took awhile to figure out what God wanted him to say. It also took soul-deep honesty. As he closed the door, Abbie looked at him with pity.
Frowning, he said, “That’s not finished.”
“I know, but it’s so sad. How can you think you don’t know what love is. It’s what you did for me at Sally’s. It’s the way you’ve given Robbie pride. But you don’t understand that, because no one has ever loved you back.”
The night had taken a strange turn indeed. He’d come in here ready to be studly and noble and had ended up feeling like the kicked puppy he’d been as a child. He didn’t want to answer her questions, so he shrugged. “I’ve had my share of misery.”
Abbie ran her fingers over the pages on the desk, as if she were touching his cheek, and then looked into his eyes. “Who was Isaac?”
The last person John wanted to think about right now was Isaac Leaf. The ugly memories, his guilt, the hatefulness—he didn’t want to share those things with anyone. But the glimmer in Abbie’s eyes had shifted from pity to a silent plea. Share with me…let me help you. Show me I’m not alone…
John’s pulse sped up with understanding. As things stood, he appeared to be a whole man, while she felt like a glued-together mirror. They weren’t on equal footing now, but John hadn’t always been content. He loathed the thought of smelling Isaac’s blood again, but he’d do it for Abbie. He’d be building a bridge of sorts, a trestle across a canyon of pain, linking two people who had endured similar trials. With a little luck, Abbie would walk across that bridge and straight into his arms.
If he had to relive that awful day, he wanted to be comfortable, so he sat on the edge of the bed, took off his boots and leaned against the headboard. “Isaac Leaf is the man who fathered me,” he said to Abbie. “He was the meanest man that ever walked this earth. I don’t like to talk about him, but there are things you should hear.”
She sat on the mattress, facing him with her hands folded in her lap. “I want to know all about you.”
“There’s no easy way to say this,” he said. “The first man I killed was my own father.”
Instead of backing away, Abbie reached for his hand. “He beat you, didn’t he?”
John nodded. “He’d use whatever was handy, mostly an old shovel. He’d hit me in the back, the knees, the head—it didn’t matter. I used to get awful headaches. They stopped in prison, but for a long time I thought Isaac had done permanent damage.”
“I’m glad they stopped.”
“Yeah, me too.”
The love in her eyes washed over him as he slipped back in time to that rancid cabin in South Dakota. John saw it all—the November snow, the deer’s blood, the bare aspens. From the front yard he’d walked into the cabin with its cracked windows. Along with the smoky fire, he’d smelled homebrew and his father’s sweat.
“It was bitter cold that day,” he said to Abbie. “I was fifteen years old, and my ma had been gone for some time.”
“How did she die?”
John shook his head. “For all I know, she’s still alive. One morning she packed her clothes and walked to town. I never saw her again. I’m pretty sure she went crazy. She talked to herself and saw things no else could see. Some madness runs in the blood. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want more children.”
Abbie gripped his hand with confidence. “You’re not crazy and neither is Susanna. The poor woman lost her mind living alone in the middle of nowhere. Women need friends, though I don’t see how she could have left her own son.”
An old sadness made John’s belly feel empty. “Half the time she didn’t even know I was there.”
The look of pity in Abbie’s eyes made him wish he’d never gone down this path. “Don’t waste your time getting misty-eyed. I’m over it.”
“No one gets over that kind of neglect,” she insisted. “From this day onward, I won’t let a day go by without telling you how much I love you or doing something nice like scratching your back.”
“I like the way that sounds.” And he did—though he could think of another itch that needed scratching even more, especially with Abbie so close he could see the lines on her lips. He thought about kissing her, but he needed to finish building the bridge. “Are you sure you want to hear the rest?”
“I think you need to tell it.”
“Probably so, but it’s still horrible. I’d gone riding just to get away from the place and came home to see that Isaac had skinned a deer. The carcass was on the ground, and the meat was hanging from the eaves. Butchering’s gruesome, and he hadn’t cleaned up a thing.”
“And you walked into that?”
John nodded. “Farm kids understand the need to kill an animal for food, but this was different. Isaac wanted me to see the slaughter. When I walked into the cabin, he was drunk and holding the bloody knife.”
Where the hell have you been, boy?
Riding.
What the hell are you doing riding when there’s work to do!
John’s voice thickened. “He was mad as hell when he came at me. I don’t know if he would have used the knife or not, but I didn’t give a damn. I grabbed the rifle by the door and shot him in the head.”
Abbie gripped his hand. “Don’t you dare feel guilty! It was self-defense.”
John hated being that close to Isaac Leaf and he hated himself, too. But not for the reason she thought. “I don’t feel guilty for killing him, Abbie. I feel bad that I enjoyed it.”
Her eyes burned into his. “I dreamed of doing worse to Robert.”
“But you didn’t and I did. Killing turned easy after that. I sold my gun to anyone who wanted to pay for it. At first I found honest work. I guarded gold shipments for a few years. I liked the danger, but then greed set in and I started to steal a bit here and there.”
“Just like you told Robbie.”
“Being two-faced pays off,” he said. “I stole a tidy sum and headed to Wyoming. That’s where I hooked up with the Too Tall gang.”
“They robbed banks.”
“And trains. We wore masks, so know one could identify us. It was sheer luck I wasn’t on the job that put the rest of them in jail.”
“Where were you?”
John wanted to dodge the question, but he didn’t want this bridge to have any missing planks. “I was shacked up with a whore in Cheyenne. I did that sometimes. I’d leave the gang and disappear for a week. I’d stay drunk and…well, you can figure out what I did.”
Abbie’s eyes brimmed with emotion. “You’d get lonely.”
“Randy as a bull is more like it.”
“I don’t think so,” she insisted. “You were looking for love.”
“Don’t fool yourself, Abbie. I didn’t give a damn about anyone but myself.”
She gripped his hand even harder, leaned close and kissed the scar below his ear. T
alk of the past had made his blood churn. He wanted to bury himself inside of her and forget, but he’d sworn to leave that hunger unfed. Except Abbie needed to give her love as much as he wanted to take it. A small compromise seemed in order. “Lie next to me,” he said, sliding down the mattress.
Suddenly shy, she turned down the lamp, pressed tight against his chest and thighs, and laid her head on his shoulder. He could feel her warmth seeping into him, melting away the November snow and ugly memories. More relaxed than he’d been in years, he felt his lids growing heavy. Sleeping with Abbie in his arms felt like a bit of heaven. But Abbie didn’t have sleep on her mind. With her breath coming in puffs, she kissed his mouth and whispered, “I want to make love to you.”
John liked the idea just fine, but her voice had a quiver and she’d knotted her fingers in his shirt. Going slow was the wise thing to do, so he decided to test the waters with a bit of talk. If talk led to touching, he’d be a happy man. If it led to buck-naked lovemaking, so much the better.
Smiling, he kissed the crown of Abbie’s head. “So what exactly do you have in mind?”
“I don’t really know,” she replied. “I figured you’d…you know—take over.”
John made his voice grim. “In that case, we have a serious problem. I can’t remember where the parts go.”
Abbie huffed. “I seriously doubt that.”
“I don’t know,” he drawled. “The whole idea is pretty strange. You have to wonder what God was thinking when he made Adam and gave him that thingamajig to contend with.”
Abbie’s cheeks flushed pink. “I think he was practicing on Adam so he’d do better with Eve.”
“It sure paid off.” John pulled Abbie into his arms and nuzzled her ear. This was the kind of married banter he wanted, the easy laughter, the closeness. Stroking her hair, he said, “You’re a lot nicer to look at than I am.”
“That’s a matter of opinion.” Abbie’s voice had gotten righteous and John smiled. He liked the idea of being bossed around in bed… Touch me here, touch me there… He was enjoying that thought when she snuggled closer. “Apart from Kansas, I got an eyeful of you during the fever. You’re quite magnificent.”
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