by Barbara Goss
In between bites of what little food they ate, Miles and Violet kissed. Finally, Caleb stood up and said, “You two are excused. You’re putting us off our meal with all that slobbering.”
Miles and Violet laughed and took their leave, still holding each other tightly.
Miles struggled to drive his buggy with Violet clinging to him, but he loved every moment of it. Now he understood why everyone had to dress up for the dinner, and had it not been formal he’d have ridden his horse instead of driving his buggy. He also realized his dear sister had tricked him into signing his marriage license. He’d have to send her flowers later for her part in all this.
He gave Violet’s shoulders a squeeze. She was his wife! He could hardly believe it. Just minutes from now she’d be his in every way. He prayed to God it went well. He found himself driving faster in the dark than he normally would for he was anxious to begin his honeymoon.
He stopped the buggy in front of the house and asked Violet if she wanted to let herself in and wait for him to take care of the buggy. She shook her head, so he took her to the stable with him.
She stood near him while he unharnessed the horse and put him in the stable. He’d groom him tomorrow.
They walked to the house, arm in arm.
Once inside the house, Miles felt at a loss as to what he should do first. Violet still had her arm through his, and her head was still resting on his shoulder. He turned her around to face him, and embraced her.
“Welcome home, Mrs. Croft.”
She smiled at him before wrapping her arms around his neck.
He pressed his lips to hers thinking to give her a quick peck, but it turned out differently. When the kiss was over, he scooped her up into his arms and carried her to the bedroom.
He sat Violet down on the bed while he lit a small lamp to give the room a dim, romantic light. He was surprised that she’d released him long enough for him to light the lamp. Then he pulled her to her feet. He wanted to hold her closer than they’d ever allowed before. It was permissible now. He groaned as he pressed her close against him. “I love you so much,” he whispered.
“What do we do now?” she asked, looking up at him with her big blue eyes.
He had to kiss her again, because she looked so beautiful. His wife!
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve never done this before, either.”
“Not ever?” she asked.
“Nope. Michael and I had a few haystack parties with local girls, but we didn’t do more than kissing and maybe a little bit more. We’ll learn together. God made our bodies to know instinctively what to do.”
“I think,” he said kissing her forehead, “that you are supposed to get into your nightie, while I make myself scarce.”
“I don’t have a nightie,” she said.
“Oh.” He opened a drawer and pulled out a white shirt. “Here, you can wear this.”
She smiled. “I’d love to.” She hugged the shirt. “Give me ten minutes, Mr. Croft.”
“Do I really have to leave—it will feel strange after being so close to you since our wedding.”
“I’m afraid so, but only ten minutes—no longer, or I swear I’ll fall asleep,” she said with a mischievous smile.
“And I’ll wake you up with kisses if you do.” He backed out of the room.
Violet undressed, all except for her underwear, and folded her clothes on a chair near the bed. She put the shirt on and buttoned it up to the neck, then reconsidered, and left the top one open. She got under the quilt and waited, nervously.
Finally, Miles came in. He turned the lamp off. She heard the rustling of material and knew that he was taking off his clothes.
Now she started to become a bit nervous, especially when she felt him slide into bed beside her.
“This is how we’ll be sleeping for the next fifty years or more, Violet,” he said.
She curled into him and immediately felt that he was ready—so soon. He reached over and touched her bosom gently, but she jerked and gasped.
“No!” she cried.
“Violet! What’s wrong?”
“I—I don’t know. It just… reminded me of him. It scared me.”
“Violet, you’re trembling. It’s me, your husband, touching you. It's allowed, now that we're married and God is blessing our union,” he said, gently and patiently.
“I’m sorry, Miles. Go ahead. I won’t stop you,” she said tensely.
“No, I won’t touch you. This is mad! I can’t stand that you tremble at my touch. I think we should call it a night,” he said.
“I’m so sorry. Please, let’s not touch right away, let’s just kiss for a while first, maybe then I’ll be all right,” she said.
“Are you certain?” he asked.
“Yes.”
He kissed her passionately and again she knew he was ready for her, but she was far from ready. He kissed her and held her close. He kissed her neck, but when he reached for her underwear, she screamed.
“That’s it. I’m done,” he said, losing patience. “I will ride to Salina and kill that McKenzie. He’s even ruined our wedding night.”
Violet began to weep. He felt ashamed that he’d lost patience, but he was so ready for her, and now this.
“Come here,” he said. “He held her. Please don’t cry. We’ll fix this. It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not because I don’t love you,” she said. “I do, and I want this as much as you do, but every time—I still can feel his savage hands on me. I don’t know how to stop reacting, please be patient with me, Miles.
She fell asleep in Miles’s arms. He kissed her forehead and held her until he fell asleep as well.
Sometime during the night, he came awake with a jerk when he felt her beating on his chest.
“Stop, Stop, let me go!” she yelled.
He shook her gently. “Violet, wake up!”
She was breathing hard, but he knew she was awake because she grabbed him and was trembling.
“How long as this been going on?” he asked gently.
“Ever since,” she said. “I’m scared, Miles, what can I do?”
“I’ll take you to see Reverend Martin in the morning. He’ll know what to do.”
“Miles?” she asked, in the darkness.
“Hmm,” he answered.
“Do you still love me?”
“Of course I do. I understand. You’ve been attacked twice. You’re traumatized.” He rocked her. “We’ll fix it. We have the rest of our lives.”
Violet felt horrible that she’d spoiled their wedding night. She’d wanted him to make love to her, so badly. She’d hoped that once he’d made love to her, the nightmares and fright would vanish. She guessed it wouldn’t be that easy.
After church, Violet and Miles sat in Reverend Martin’s office, waiting for him. He said he’d meet them there, after he shook hands with the congregation.
When he finally came in, Violet felt ashamed to discuss the topic with him. Miles squeezed her hand to give her support.
“Congratulations, you two. Yes, the marriage was legal. What could possibly be troubling you two?” he asked.
Violet looked to Miles for help.
“We have a slight problem—my lovely wife has been traumatized by the beast who attacked her and—”
“Say no more, Miles. I think I get the picture. As you know, I spoke at length with ‘the beast’ and so I understand both sides of the story. She was, indeed, almost raped, and it’s sometimes difficult to adjust and to be intimate so soon after something so violent.
He spoke directly to Miles. “You need to know that God, along with your help, will restore Violet so that you can have a normal, loving intimacy, as was His plan for married couples.
“The traumatized person needs understanding and compassion to heal. It will take prayers and faith. There is no one who loves marital sex more than God, who created it. He will insure that you have a normal and healthy relationship in time.
“No
w,” he turned to Violet, “the first thing you need to do is to forget that you were a victim and concentrate on being a survivor. Thankfully, Miles rescued you so that you didn’t have to be completely ruined. That’s in your favor, but it doesn’t make it any easier for you. Always think of Miles as the one who saved you, your knight in shining armor.
“Are you having nightmares?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Sometimes, God allows bad things to happen to us for a reason, and that might be, for example, so that you can help someone else someday, because you’ve experienced what it feels like.
“Don’t forget to talk to God about your feelings and ask him to help you. ‘Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.’” (Psalm 55:22); “’Cast they burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.’
“Unfortunately, there are no magic words, and no magical pill. Time, patience, and prayer heal. I will suggest a few things that may help in the meantime. Since you two were obedient to God and didn’t have intimacy before marriage, it might be a good idea to take things slowly, keep in mind that marriage came suddenly, and neither of you were prepared.”
He turned back to Miles. “Miles, you need to touch her slowly in an intimate place, probably the chest area, first. Gentle and slow. And all the while talk to her, and let her see you, don’t do it in the dark. She needs to see that it’s the man she loves touching her.”
“Gradually Increase the touching, pray before each touching session, and do keep the affection that I see between you alive. I can tell by the way you look and act with each other that this will pass quickly.”
“Will you be seeing McKenzie again?” Miles asked.
“Yes. I told him to come back in a month, after he tries some therapies I suggested,” he said.
“Well, tell him something for me. Tell him I won’t report his behavior to the school council, if he promises to stay away from Abilene. I don’t want him in our town. Can you do that?” Miles asked.
“I will relay the message, and I think it’s a fair request.”
“Let us pray,” he said. They bowed their heads and prayed about the problems.
That evening, Miles left the light on and worked on their therapy. It seemed to work, and Violet didn’t jerk away or panic. He wondered if they’d have been all right if only he’d left the light on that first night, but he was determined to do as Martin had said, take it slowly. After a few minutes of touching he stopped, kissed her goodnight, turned out the light, and they both went to sleep.
In the morning, as he dressed for work, he smelled coffee. He sighed. A wife was more than someone to cuddle and make love to; now he had someone to care for him as well.
He met her in the kitchen and embraced her. “You’ve made coffee! Thank you!”
Violet poured them both a cup and they sat at the kitchen table enjoying their coffee.
“Miles, you won’t doubt my love for you because of my problem, will you?” she asked, setting her cup gently into the saucer.
“No. It isn’t your fault.” He reached over and caressed her hair and kissed her forehead. “Things went well last night, and tonight we’ll go a bit further. You’ll see. It will be fine.” He took a long drink of his coffee. “And you sure make a great pot of coffee.”
“I’m so afraid you’ll think less of me because I cheated you out of a wedding night,” she said with a pout.
“Cheated? Don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t marry you just for that. I married you because I love you more than anything, and I want to be with you, to see you every day and to be able to come up to you like this and hold you anytime I want.”
She rested her head on his chest. “I’m going to spend the whole morning praying for a fast healing.”
“I love my job, but for the first time ever, I don’t want to go in—I want to stay here all day with you. However, we’ll have bills to pay, so off I go. I’ll be home around five fifteen, because I’ll run the whole way.” He gave her another passionate kiss and left.
Violet, true to her word, fell to her knees in the sitting room and spent time in prayer and reading her Bible.
Chapter 14
Violet decided to surprise Miles with a delicious dinner. She felt since she couldn’t satisfy him one way, she’d make up for it in other ways. She walked to the butcher’s shop and bought a small roast, brought it home, and made the special sauce her mother used, and poured it over the roast. She then cut up potatoes and carrots, and put them all into a covered pan and into the cook stove’s oven. She hoped it worked. She lit the stove and crossed her fingers. She could feel the oven’s heat after a few minutes, and knew the oven worked just fine.
While the meat cooked, she started to clean the house. Miles was fairly neat, but not too good at scrubbing, so she spent most of the morning scouring floors. A pounding on the door caused her to almost slip on the wet floor when she scurried to answer it. A man she didn’t recognize stood on the porch.
“You need to come quickly, Mrs. Croft. The bank’s been robbed and your husband has been shot.”
Violet let out a small scream and followed the messenger. As she ran, she thought about everything—that if he died, she’d die too, and if he died, it would be without them ever having consummated their marriage, and it was all her fault. Her mind seemed to focus solely on his dying.
She prayed as she ran.
When she approached the bank, people were crowded outside the building, but the man who’d brought her pushed them aside and ushered her in. She found Miles sprawled on the bank floor with a large red stain on his shirt front. She squealed and ran to him. A doctor she didn’t know was ripping off his shirt and making a bandage for his chest. He’d been shot on the right shoulder, she prayed as she knelt down beside him.
“Don’t you leave me, Miles,” she said, sternly. “I’ll never forgive you if you do.”
He was barely conscious, so she wasn’t sure if he'd heard her or not. His eyes were open and he was breathing, but he didn’t seem to react to her. Shortly thereafter the doctor pressed on his wound and he lost consciousness.
Violet didn’t cry. She was too frightened to cry and she knew it would be fruitless. Tears wouldn’t help, but prayer would. She prayed as hard as she could. At some point she realized the doctor was speaking to her.
“Mrs. Croft?”
“Yes,” she said.
“I’m going to get some help so we can bring him home. I can care for him better there.”
Violet ushered the doctor and the men carrying Miles to the bedroom—their bedroom. She pulled down the quilt, and they laid him on the sheet, and the doctor began working on him again.
As he worked, Violet asked him, “Will he be all right?”
The doctor shrugged. “I can’t tell yet. Nothing vital was hit, but the fall to the hard floor may have caused some damage. He’ll most likely survive unless infection sets in, but I’m worried about his head injury. He didn’t seem aware when I came on the scene.”
Violet sighed. She had to get news to Julia. She ran out and asked one of the young lads who’d carried Miles in for a favor. She gave him a dollar and asked him to tell Julia Armstrong what had happened. Then she scurried back to Miles.
The doctor asked for clean rags, hot water and whiskey, but she had no idea where to find those things. She’d just started living there, but she went to the linen closet and pulled out a sheet, which the doctor ripped into strips. She put water on to boil, and when it was hot she brought it to him in a pan.
“I’ll need you to hold him down. Where’s the whiskey?” he asked.
“He isn’t a drinking man, so we have none,” she said.
“Run down to the saloon and get some. Hurry!”
Luckily the saloon was empty, and the barman sold her a bottle of whiskey that she brought back and handed to the doctor.
The doctor was digging inside Miles’s wound, and Miles had started thrashing about. The doctor grabbed the bottle, opened it with his teeth, a
nd poured some down Miles’s throat, which caused him first to choke, and then to cough, and then he went out like a light. The doctor didn’t miss a beat as he continued to dig for the bullet. When he was finally done, he held out his hand. Violet put hers out, and the doctor dropped the bullet into it.
“We got it,” the doctor said with a smile.
He poured whiskey into the wound and wrapped it tightly with the strips of sheets.
“Well, Mrs. Croft, that’s the best I can do. Just watch him for signs of fever. Send for me if he starts to feel hot—I live over the new shoe store on Main Street. Give him plenty of liquids, any way that you can. Good day.”
The smell of meat cooking reminded Violet of her dinner. She ran to the stove and turned it off.
There would be no dinner that night.
Julia arrived, and she and Violet sat at Miles's bedside. He still hadn’t gained consciousness, even though several hours had passed.
Caleb came in with food from Pete’s for everyone. There was nothing they could do at that point but wait. Julia and Violet kept trying to squeeze water into his mouth, but it just ran down his chin.
Caleb finally took Julia home, and Violet got ready for bed. She’d retrieved her clothes and possessions that Sunday after church, so she had some nightgowns, but she still preferred the shirt Miles had given her.
She slipped it on, turned off the light, and snuggled against the contours of Miles’s body. What bothered her most was that because of her hang-up, they had never consummated the marriage. She promised herself, and told God in her prayers, that if Miles recovered, she would make sure it happened. She begged God to give her another chance to make their marriage real.