by Kim Wickford
The walls of my bedroom receded into the distance. I couldn't feel my legs. My phone slipped from my fingers and tumbled to the floor.
"Hello, Amber? Amber, are you there?"
Chapter 15
"Mom, please, can we discuss this when I get home?" I begged. I shoved a bunch of clothes into my bag, not caring what I packed. "I'll be there in a few hours. I'm gonna try to catch an earlier bus."
"Who sent this video? Where did it come from?"
There wasn't a doubt in my mind that my back-stabbing bitch of a roommate had a hand in this mess. But there was no point in sharing the details of the betrayal with my mother. It wouldn't make any difference now. "I don't know," I told her.
"Thank goodness your father wasn't here when I opened the message. He might have gone next door and done something rash."
"Please, don't tell Daddy," I said, squeezing my eyes shut. "Not yet anyway." If nothing else I had to warn Logan first, before the situation escalated.
"How long has this been going on?" my mother asked. "How long has he been molesting you?"
"Mom, he wasn't molesting me!"
"He was touching you during our trip to Lake Brockwood, wasn't he? I never should have let that man share a tent with you. I never should have trusted him."
"It's not his fault."
"It most certainly is his fault! You don't have to defend him. He's almost twice your age. He should have known better than to rob the cradle."
"Mom, I'm hardly a baby anymore. I can make my own decisions about who I want to be with." Hadn't she paid attention to the video? Couldn't she see that the alleged "molestation" was mutual? I was ravaging Logan just as much—if not more—than he was ravaging me. For some reason my mother still couldn't accept the fact that I was an adult and a sexual being. In her eyes I was still a child, and the innocent victim of a pervert's advances. "Just promise me you won't breathe a word of this to Daddy until I get back."
The last thing I wanted was for the two men I loved most in the world to fight with each other. As much as I respected my father, I knew he wouldn't stand a chance if he tried to take a swing at Logan. Our neighbor was built like a Greek god. But then again, there was no telling how violent Dad could get when he was enraged. And nothing would enrage him more than discovering his best friend had slept with his daughter.
I left my apartment in a flurry, racing down the stairwell so fast that I nearly tripped over my feet. All the while I tried to contact Logan. He didn't respond to any of my calls or texts. Where was he? I prayed that he and Daddy weren't already duking things out in the backyard.
The bus ride was the longest three hours of my life. I chewed my nails the whole trip, barely aware that I'd left my fingers torn and bloody. I almost leapt out of my seat when my phone finally rang.
It was Logan, thank God.
"Amber, what's wrong?" He sounded apprehensive. "I have a dozen messages from you."
As much as I wanted to blurt out every single detail to him, I had enough self restraint not to air my personal business on public transit. Besides, I was only a few blocks away from the bus terminal. "I can't tell you over the phone," I said. "Not now, anyway. Can you come pick me up? Please, hurry."
I stood outside the station, oblivious to the cold as I waited for Logan to arrive.
His face was lined with concern as he put my bags in the car and I climbed into the seat beside him.
"What's this all about? Are you sick? Did you have an accident?"
I told him everything. About Stacy's jealousy over our relationship; about the incriminating email she sent; about Mom's suspicions that he'd taken advantage of me during the camping trip.
Logan didn't say a word. His hands gripped the steering wheel tight. A vein pulsed over his temple. I didn't have to tell him that the video revelation would permanently ruin his relationship with my family. Years of friendship with my Dad were destroyed in an instant, all thanks to a stupid email. Even though Stacy was the one who opened the can of worms, I knew deep down that I was the one to blame for this mess. Right from the very beginning I knew what Logan and I were doing was risky. Fool that I was, I still pursued him thinking we could get away with it, thinking that my parents would never find out.
The thought of breaking the news to my Dad and confessing my secret relationship made me sick to my stomach.
"Quick," I gasped. "Pull over!"
"What's wrong?"
"Please! Just pull over."
He screeched to a halt at the side of the road. I flung the door open and managed to barf into the gutter instead of the pristine interior of Logan's Maserati. I felt the comforting touch of his hand on my back as I spit the last sticky strands of saliva onto the curb.
"Amber, don't let your nerves get the better of you," he said in a low, soothing voice. "We're gonna figure this out. I know it seems daunting at the moment, but we'll make your parents understand somehow."
"It's not just my nerves," I said, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand.
"What do you mean?"
"I've been fighting a flu for weeks. I've been puking up almost every day." When I sat up again and looked over at Logan his expression had darkened. Now it was my turn to be concerned. "Is everything okay?" I asked. "What's wrong?"
"You say this has been happening for weeks?" he asked stiffly.
I nodded.
He reached across to close my door.
I fished through the pockets of my jacket in search of a Kleenex. I felt so embarrassed throwing up in front of Logan. He'd never seen me in such an emotionally and physically fragile state. I must have looked disgusting to him.
The car tires shrieked as he pulled back onto the highway. He drove faster than usual. So fast that he missed the turn-off to our neighborhood.
"That was our exit," I said.
"We have to make a stop first."
I was surprised when we pulled up to a pharmacy. "What are we doing here?" I asked.
"We need to get you something."
"I already tried Pepto-Bismol. It didn't work. Look, Logan, it's just a stomach bug, I can manage. We've got bigger problems to deal with right now."
He ignored my protests and climbed out of the car. "Wait here, I won't be long." He returned a few minutes later and placed a plastic carrier bag in my lap.
"Logan, I'm touched that you want to take care of me," I said, "but I'll get over this sickness in a few days on my own."
"I'm not so sure."
The expression on his face scared me. I rummaged through the bag to see what kind of medication he had bought.
What the hell?
I looked up at him with wide eyes. There were three separate pregnancy tests inside.
Chapter 16
"This is overkill, isn't it?" I said as I sat on the toilet in Logan's master bathroom with my jeans around my ankles. I'd already puked out most of my fluids, and I was feeling so tense that my bladder refused to cooperate.
"We have to be sure," Logan said from the other side of the door. "Use all of the tests."
I tried hard to remember the last time I had my period. Sure, it was possible I was late, but I couldn't be certain; I'd never had a very regular cycle to begin with. Despite Logan's concern that I was suffering from morning sickness, I clung fiercely to the belief that this was nothing more than a stubborn flu. Besides, I couldn't handle more than one drama at a time. The fall-out from the video was problem enough. I couldn't cope with the possibility of being pregnant as well.
Paper instructions and plastic wrappings lay scattered at my feet. For some of the tests I had to pee into a cup, for others I had to pee on a stick.
"Anything yet?" Logan asked.
"No," I said, and turned on the tap in the sink in the hope that the sound of running water would stir my bladder to action. "And you're not helping matters by standing out there lurking."
Through some small miracle I finally mustered a trickle of urine. After performing the necessary steps, I lined up the sticks o
n the edge of the counter and waited.
"What do they say?" Logan asked.
"Give it a chance," I said as I tugged up my pants and stared intently at the results windows. "It takes a while to show."
He insisted on coming in to watch with me, but I refused. This was something I had to do on my own. Gradually, as if by magic, thin blue lines began to fade into view. It only took ten minutes to get the verdict. I waited an extra five minutes in case any of the sticks decided to change their minds at the last moment.
They didn't.
The results were unanimous.
I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, landing hard on my ass. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my head in my hands.
"If you don't open up right now," Logan said, sounding uncharacteristically angry, "I'm going to bust in. What do the tests say?"
I reached up to unlock the door. He rushed in to stare at the row of sticks on the counter. There was a long silence between us.
"I can't believe this," he finally said, his voice barely a whisper.
"Look, you don't have to worry," I said, trying my best not to cry. "I can take care of this. It's not too late."
He turned to face me, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze.
"What do you mean, take care of this?" he asked gruffly.
"There's a clinic off campus. I'll make an appointment when I go back next week."
He squatted down in front of me and tilted my chin, gently forcing me to look at him. "No," he said, the expression in his eyes unreadable. "I'll take care of this. In fact I'll take care of both of you." No sooner had the words left his mouth when the most radiant smile lit up his face. He took my hands in his and pulled me to my feet.
"What are you saying?" I asked, unable to believe my ears. "You want this baby? You still want me?"
He stared at me like I was crazy. "Of course I do," he said, wrapping me in a big hug. "What kind of foolishness would make you think otherwise?
No, this couldn't be right. I was so confused. "But … but isn't this the same reason you and your ex got divorced? She wanted a baby and you didn't?"
"Where did you get an idea like that?"
I reminded him of the conversation we'd had on the porch, so many years ago, the night I broke up with Chad. I distinctly remember him telling me that he and his wife couldn't agree on what they wanted. Each of them had different expectations about their relationship. I always assumed it meant Logan preferred the freedom of a bachelor's life. I mean, why else would he choose to live alone for so long?
He looked at me, flabbergasted. "You've seen this house. It's huge. Why would I need all this space for myself? I bought this home with the sole purpose of filling it with children. I've wanted to be a father for as long as I can remember."
"Then why have I never seen you date anyone? Mom has wanted to set you up with the women from the neighborhood for ages."
"And I always refused."
"Why? I don't understand."
He stood over me and cradled my face in his hands. "Because I've already found the woman I want to be with."
"Me?"
"Of course, you! Even before we met I knew there was something special about you."
I shook my head, more confused than ever. "How's that possible?"
"Every time I got together with your father he would tell me stories about you. How proud he was of your achievements at school. What a wonderful daughter you were. Each week, when I came over to visit, I witnessed some of that sweetness for myself. You were more lovely than your father could ever put into words. Oh, Amber, you were so beautiful, so shy. I couldn't deny the feelings I had for you."
I blushed at the memory of our first few meetings. "It was so hard to talk to you," I said. "I'd never met anyone as handsome and as confident as you. It was intimidating. Do you know I've had a crush on you since I was a senior in high school? I had no idea you felt the same way about me."
He stroked my face. "It tore me up inside to be falling for you, and unable to do anything about it. I knew I had to keep my distance. Not only because I thought the difference in our ages was insurmountable, but out of respect for your parents. I decided that if I couldn't have you, I didn't want to be with anyone else."
Tears filled my eyes. I told Logan how my first few years at college were miserable because of him. When I was away, all I thought about was how much I missed being near him. "Kissing you was the most amazing birthday present I ever received," I said. "You made me feel like a princess. It was like a dream come true."
He picked me up and spun me around. "And it's a dream come true for me that you're having my baby. This is the best news of my life! I can't believe I'm going to be a father!"
It wasn't until he said the words out loud that the reality of the situation began to sink in. He was going to be a father. But what about me? Did I want to be a mother?
Oh, who was I fooling, of course I did! I was graduating with a degree in early childhood development. I had plans to teach kindergarten next year. If that wasn't a sign that I adored kids, then I don't know what was. And now I was going to have a baby of my own with this gorgeous, wonderful man. I stood on my toes and kissed him long and hard. But my feelings of elation were short-lived. The cold, miserable reality of the situation sent me crashing back to earth. "I hate to put a damper on this celebration," I said, pulling away from him, "but the fact remains. My parents are going to kill us when they find out. Now more than ever."
In my desperation I proposed that we run away, elope, never come back. Logan had enough money to fund our escape. We could live on a tropical island somewhere for the rest of our lives.
He shook his head. "We have to tell your parents. I need to speak to your father in person. He's my friend. I owe him that much. It was wrong of me to keep our relationship a secret from everyone. I should have owned up to the truth sooner. More importantly, I never should have denied my feelings for you as long as I did."
"This won't be easy," I said wringing my hands. More than anything I wanted to leap back into Logan's car and drive away with him as fast as we could.
"We can do this," he said, placing his hands on my shoulders. "Trust me. Everything's going to be all right, Amber."
As self-assured as Logan sounded, I found it difficult to share his optimism. I felt like a prisoner heading for the gallows as he took me by the hand and we went next door to break the news to my parents.
Chapter 17
Logan and I stood side by side in my parents' living room. The silence was so absolute that I could hear the tick of the clock all the way from the kitchen. Each second that passed was pure agony. We'd just finished confessing to Mom and Dad that we were in a relationship, and now the news hung in the air, awaiting their reply. They stood on the opposite side of the room, speechless.
Despite Mom's promise to me, she had shown the kissing video to Dad before we arrived. Needless to say, my father was not a happy camper when Logan and I stepped through the front door. I swear I could see the steam rising from my father's ears, and I knew it took every ounce of his self-control to keep from going ballistic.
The silence continued to linger. My parents were either too angry or too stunned to respond to our confession, so Logan cleared his throat and continued. "Harry, Susan, the truth of the matter is simple." He looked down at me with a tenderness in his blue eyes that I'd never seen before. "I love your daughter more than anything else in this world. I'd do anything to make her happy."
My knees nearly buckled as he said the sweet words I'd longed to hear from him. I had to grip his arm tight to keep myself steady on my feet.
If Logan believed his declaration of love would be enough to soften Dad's heart, he was sorely mistaken. My father's face only grew redder and redder. His fists were clenched tight, ready to deliver a knock-out blow.
I swallowed hard. "There's one more thing we need to share with you," I said to my parents, dreading what I was about to say. Logan reached down
to place a protective hand over my belly. The implication was obvious. Before Logan or I had a chance to speak another word, Dad uttered a savage growl and rushed across the room.
I had to throw myself between the men to save Logan from my father's wrath. "Yes, Daddy, I'm pregnant!" I cried, "I'm pregnant with Logan's baby. Nothing is going to change that now."
Daddy held his fists at bay, not wanting to strike me by accident. I could see the turmoil on his face. I'm sure it was hard enough to hear that his best friend had slept with me. But getting me pregnant too? It was almost too much for him to bear.
"Why weren't you on birth control?" he snapped.
"I was," I said, "I've been on the pill since I was fifteen. I guess I'm finding out the hard way that it's not a hundred percent perfect."
My mother's hand flew to her mouth and tears filled her eyes as the realization began to dawn on her. "You mean I'm going to be a grandmother?" she sobbed.
All her anger melted away as she rushed across the room and wrapped me in a hug. With both of us standing in front of Logan, forming a human shield, Dad realized that violence wasn't going to solve anything.
He lowered his fists, but the grim look on his face didn't waver for an instant. "Logan," he said spitting out his friend's name as if it was a curse. "A word with you in my study."
I took an anxious glance over my shoulder as I watched the men disappear into Dad's man-cave. "They're not going to kill each other in there, are they?" I asked my mother.
"They'll be okay," she assured me, even though the expression on her face suggested otherwise. "At least I hope they will. It's not every day your father gets news like this. I'm sure they have a lot to discuss."
Mom sat me down on the couch, dabbed her eyes dry, and took my hand in hers. "Are you sure this is what you want, Amber? To be with Logan and to have this baby? This wasn't how your father and I imagined your future."
"Mom, I'm an adult now, and it's my future to make. But you don't have to worry. It feels like I've known Logan forever. I know he can take care of me, he's a good man."