“Yeah, you’ve got somethin’ that’ll make me feel better all right. I’m goin’ to take my ass a shower while everything’s calm.”
Ris rushed off the phone and I put my things into my Louis Vuitton laptop bag. It was time to face down my demon. I said a silent prayer for strength, guidance, and protection. Yes, I was definitely going to be needing all three since I had no idea how Rasheed would react to finally learning the truth about everything.
Just Start at the Beginning
33
I’d never visited anyone in prison before. This was going to be harder than I thought. I signed in and was led to the non-contact visit area. Since Rah and I weren’t married and I wasn’t immediate family, I was not allowed to physically be in the same space as him. This was fine by me. I had a pretty good feeling after I told Rah everything I needed to tell him that it would be in my best interest to have a thick glass wall between us.
The other side of the room was stark grey. Nothing was present except for the phone on the side of the wall directly across from the phone beside me. I expected to feel remorse or unhappiness. The door opened and Rah was led in by an intimidating mannish-looking woman. She eyed me from behind him as he sat at the bench looking as attractive as the day I’d first met him. He’d put on some muscle and let his beard grow out, giving him a rugged, dangerous appeal. He waited until she left the room an’ picked up the phone. I did the same.
“Michelle, baby. You don’t know how happy I am to see you.” He sighed, and looked at me expectantly as if he were waiting for me to say the same. I wanted to tell him what he expected, take the easy way out and leave him in there thinkin’ everything would be fine.
“I’m sorry you gotta see me like this, Chelle. I fucked up—I know. I jus’ need to know you gonna try to wait for a nigga. I love you, baby. I really do.”
“Well, Rasheed, that seems to be something you pretty good at. Fuckin’ up, that is.” I couldn’t hide my anger. I’d had to listen to him say he’d fucked up or he’s sorry for so many years. Fuck Rasheed. Before he could reply or I lost my nerve I continued.
“I have a confession to make, because none of this shit would have ever started if you would have just been the man I needed you to be. Shit. Rasheed, you could have just told me the truth, been honest with everything, and we would have been fine.”
He stared at me, about to argue, but I had to get this over with. I was ready to start my life with Larissa and leave all this drama and bullshit behind me.
“The day you decided to fuck Trenisha—I’m sorry, I mean Honey—and lie to me was the day you fucked up your shit for good. Who the fuck you think talked her ass into getting a cell phone, Rasheed? Hell, I took her to buy it. All those nights y’all were together, who you think she was talking to, nigga? Do you know how it made me feel to hear this bitch talking about how good her nigga, my nigga, was dickin’ her down?” I was getting riled up and had to watch my tone. I needed to compose myself. Rah must have thought I needed an explanation or what I liked to call a plausible lie.
“Chelle, listen to me. You know how those stripper hoes get down. Whateva she said I swear it wasn’t like that, ba—”
“Rasheed, who do you think Honey was livin’ with? When she told us you bought her a car I was mortified. I couldn’t believe you would do something like that to me. To us. When I wasn’t sure if she was exaggerating I checked your phone, nigga.”
His eyes widened. He wasn’t expecting that.
“No, I don’t know your lock code if that’s what you’re thinking. But just as I expected you a grimy-ass nigga and you got some grimy-ass, oily-ass fingers. All I had to do was hold the phone up to the light and I could see the pattern you used for your unlock screen. I’ve read everything you ain’t want me to read. I’ve seen everything you ain’t want me to see. I’ve meant nothing to you. I can’t believe you would stoop so low as to do what you did to a nigga you called your brother. Why? Because you were jealous that I was doing what you’ve always done?
“I wasn’t even fuckin’ Derrick. Honey was—dumbass! The only times I talked to that nigga or met up with him was when I needed to buy shit for Honey’s cousin or when he couldn’t find a re-up nigga for product and wanted to go through my connect. Yes, Rah, I have connects. I have a lotta shit you don’t know about.”
I needed to make this quick. Rah was starin’ at me like he’d seen a ghost. The blood had rushed to his face; whether it was from anger or surprise I wasn’t sure. His knuckles had turned white from gripping the phone so tightly. His other hand was clenched into a fist on the counter in front of him. I could tell he was trying to figure out if what I was saying was really what the hell he thought I was saying.
“You actually know my girlfriend, Rah. Y’all met once or twice. I think you might recall a certain someone comin’ into your office and running off with that box of bullshit you keep in your desk?”
“You was cool wit’ Honey’s crackhead cousin? The one who was takin’ all her fuckin’ money an’ . . .” He interrupted me, too shocked to even realize he wasn’t denying his situation with Honey anymore.
“We’re engaged, Rasheed, and Larissa ain’t a crackhead. She never stole anything from Honey. Honey had been lying to you. They both like to do a little of this and a little of that, but Honey’s money was spent exactly the way she wanted to spend it. The only reason Larissa came to your office that night was because she was upset by what you’d done to me again, and again, and again. I have someone who loves me so much, she was willing to risk everything just to wipe your miserable ass off the planet. That’s a million times more love than you’ve ever shown me!” I could feel the tears. My wounds ran so deep and now that I was telling the person who caused them I couldn’t help feeling overwhelmed that the pain seemed so fresh. I prayed they didn’t listen in on these conversations because I needed to get everything off my chest. I took a tissue from my purse and dabbed my eyes. I could no longer make eye contact with this man, liar, cheater, and my son’s father. I stared down at my lap.
“Larissa is my girlfriend, Rasheed. She came there that night to kill you. When you left she decided to rob you instead, but all the drawers on your desk were locked except one.”
Afraid to look up, I heard him draw in a sharp breath. “I didn’t know she’d taken it, Rah. I swear. When Ris gets high she does stupid, stupid shit sometimes. I told her to get rid of it, but for whatever reason she gave it to her sister, Shiree.”
If the phone weren’t in a death grip against my ear I never would have heard it, but he whispered, “Big Shirley, Shiree from the club?”
“Yes, Shiree was trying to make extra money and she sold it to Big Baby. She didn’t know where it came from, all she knew is her sister had it for her to sell. The only people to ever touch it barehanded were you and Big Baby. He was stupid for lettin’ those kids use it, but you were even dumber for puttin’ that money out on D like that.”
The phone was silent on my ear. I couldn’t even hear him breathing. I looked up but Rah’s head was in his hand and his eyes were closed. He was so still he looked like a stone carving. Being that I was the cause of his angst and despair, I could think of no better name for my work of art than Torment.
“Why would you even go through with something like that, Rah? You knew he had RJ with him.”
His head shot up so quickly I swore I heard a snap, and we locked eyes. It was like he’d been transformed. I could see the anger, confusion, and the hurt all etched deeply into his face. His eyes were bloodshot, but still he didn’t say a word.
“Yeah, I knew about Rasheed Jr. I’ve known his mother just as long as you have. I gave Danita my word that sending him to us would be a good idea, and I’d hoped that raising two little boys would help you finally realize that you were a grown-ass man. You too old to be pulling the same bullshit you been pulling since high school, Rah! I figured if I sabotaged your supply maybe you would start to consider other business ideas. In my eyes taking out one or two
fiends was a valid price to pay if it got you to stop dealin’.”
If we were side by side I’d be dead, his eyes told me that. I’d single-handedly destroyed Rasheed’s life and, in his mind, I alone was the reason he was sitting on the other side of that glass and not out in the streets.
“I prayed that you would quit all that bullshit. The one thing I wanted out of everything in this world was for you, me, and Trey to be a family, a real family, Rah. Derrick was having a hard time finding product and didn’t want to disappoint you. He looked up to you. I went to my connect to help him just as I’d done any other time, except this time I laced half of what I gave him. But that wasn’t even enough for you to stop. When you sent me to get the next drop, I laced it all. Ris is the one who called the cops when you gave Honey that car. She was so jealous of Honey and the girl kept rubbing it in her face. It was obvious to us both that you were using her and I’m sure Honey didn’t know anything about you and your cars. When Ris told me she’d called the police I just knew that with most of your product missing and the cops looking at things extra closely you would give up. My intentions were always good, Rasheed. I swear.”
“Good? You think this shit is good? Look at where the fuck I am, Michelle, and all for what? Your pride? ’Cause you ain’t woman enough to accept that a nigga dick like a li’l variety. You did all this shit ova some side-ass ho?”
I’d never forget the look on his face. He had angry tears in his eyes and I could imagine he felt somewhat akin to how kids feel when they realize you’ve lied about Santa or the Tooth Fairy. He was seeing firsthand the kind of damage that heartache can lead a woman to create. I only had one last thing to tell him.
“Don’t worry, Rasheed. Trey will never have to do what his daddy did. In my opinion he don’t even need to know his daddy. What the fuck is his daddy gonna teach him about being a man?”
His mouth opened and closed like a fish gulping for air. I knew he had so many questions and his hustler’s mind was probably trying to form so many variations of whatever lie he felt would work best. I didn’t plan on giving him the chance to have his say. He’d had years of saying, lying, embellishing.
“That account you and your li’l bitch opened up is in my name just like every other asset you’ve ever acquired. I’m taking it and we’re moving. Banks don’t like fraud and, as the new acting vice president, it didn’t take much talking to convince your bank that I had power of attorney and wanted to close out all of your personal accounts as well. I loved you more than I loved myself. I saw more potential in you than you saw in you and I just can’t be in love with that lie anymore. Take care, Rasheed.”
I hung up the phone and for a second I looked into the cold, callous soul of a man I’d given so much to. I searched for the man I’d fallen in love with and realized I may have only imagined the compassionate and caring being I was so enamored with because, at the moment, it was nowhere before me.
His eyes had reddened and in a burst of rage he slammed the phone against the plexiglass window.
I fought to keep my composure and reassured myself that what I was doing was my best option for survival. The veins in his neck and forehead protruded painfully. It was like watching a silent movie as he began his violent tirade around the small enclosure. I jumped slightly as his foot landed against the thick plastic window in a loud thud and he screamed what I could only imagine were curses of hatred and the horrors of what he was going to have done to me.
Nostrils flared, saliva hanging from his mouth. In his rage he looked less like a man and more like the demon my mind had conjured him up to be. Two uniformed officers stormed into the room and tried to restrain him. I turned and left as Rasheed was violently slammed to the floor after punching the guard in the face. I didn’t even bother looking back.
I was finally closing a chapter of my life that had been read and reread to such an extent that all the words looked the same, all the characters were predictable, and none of the endings were ones I wanted to be mine. Lovin’ these niggas is hard work. They fuck up, and then we cry about it and argue over it. Eventually we either move forward with them or move on without ’em. It gets even more drawn out and more complicated when we have these niggas’ babies.
My problem was that I’d always loved Rasheed. Rasheed’s just the type of nigga who wouldn’t eva love anyone more than he loved his damn self. It’s sad that it took me this long to finally realize it. It wasn’t fair that I’d been with this same nigga since I was sixteen, and here I was eight years and one baby later, nowhere near married to him and still putting up with the same shit over an’ over again. After all the disrespect and the lying I was finally over it. I guess you can say that I was finally over being his crutch and his support but not being worthy enough to be his wife. I guess I finally got fed up with being nothing more than his baby momma.
Puppet Masters
34
Let me make one thang clear to y’all: no matter what course of action ya take, there’s somethin’ that influences or affects the reason ya make ya final decisions. See, I was a needy bitch. I needed nice clothes, a nice car, hell, I needed all that finer shit these broke niggas hated on ’cause they couldn’t an’ neva would be able to afford it for they damn selves let alone give it to my ass. Shit, Larissa Roberts is a trophy muthafuckin’ wife. I ain’t workin’ no damn five days a week at some bullshit-ass, eighty hour a pay period job jus’ to make barely enough to pay my bills. My baby momma did all that an’ then some. Chelly been mine ever since the day we met in college. It mighta took me a li’l while to get her to open up, but straight bitches don’t stare at my ass daydreamin’! Somethin’ told me from the jump she was “fam,” an’ my gaydar ain’ neva been off. I ain’t even mad at bein’ stuck with Nisha’s brat. If my baby wanted a big family then that’s what the fuck my baby was gonna have. I can’t lie though, I did want it to be our baby, but I guess if you took her ex-man and my cousin then Lataya was as much ours as she could ever be.
Speakin’ of the devil. I got up from the couch and rushed to give Chelle kisses as she walked through the door.
“I gotta tip my hat to you, baby, you one of da smartest money-makin’ bitches I know and I seen that shit from day one.” It was true too; any nigga she decided to fuck wit’ was gonna end up bein’ a rich muthafucka if she had any say about it. Why she got so hung up on Rasheed’s bum ho’n ass I didn’t know. But I was glad I was finally able to split dat bullshit up.
“Mmm, hmm. You’re just trying to butter me up because I brought you a present, right? I’m not fooled. Where are my babies?”
She looked past me an’ sat down on the couch to take off her heels. I sat on the floor in front of her, as was our custom, an’ massaged her left foot until I felt da muscles relax, an’ did the same to her right.
“The baby is ’sleep an’ Trey is in his room watchin’ cartoons. Relax, ma.” I ain’t bother tellin’ her my grandma had called an’ cussed me out for not lookin’ after Nisha. I thought I’d feel bad, but I ain’t never like Nisha’s ass no damn way. Da bitch got on my last nerve. I thought we was cool ’til I found out she was fuckin’ my ex-girlfriend. I was sure niggas got all googly-eyed thinkin’ dey was gettin’ into some virgin-type pussy since she was young an’ ain’ neva fucked wit’ a lotta dudes. Shit! Dat’s only ’cause she been lickin’ pussy since day muthafuckin’ one!
When Trenisha broke down an’ hit me for a place to stay, da first thing I worried ’bout was whether her ass was gonna try to press up on Chelle. She gave me dis whole “I’m straight now” song an’ dance an’ I had to give myself some points for showin’ a li’l mercy an’ takin’ her in. Puttin’ her in Rah’s path was exactly what Michelle needed in order to see dat nigga wasn’t eva gonna change. Not fa himself, not fa his son, and damn sure not fa Michelle’s ass.
“What the hell you do now?”
Chelle was watchin’ me intently. I’d jus’ spaced out on her for a sec, lost in my thoughts. “Damn, baby, I ain’ did shit.
I was jus’ thinkin’ nothin’ serious. Can I please have dis damn surprise now, Chelle?” She laughed. Dis was torture an’ she knew it. I sat back on my haunches an’ waited as she opened her Louis laptop bag an’ pulled out a folder. My heart was doin’ fuckin’ flips in my chest as I flipped it open, anxious to see what she’d done. For da first time in my life I cried what I’d heard bitches on TV call “tears of joy.” Da first sheet of paper was a marriage license an’ da second was a deed for . . . I skimmed over dat bitch as best as I could through my tears. Seven bedrooms, state-of-the-art appliances, $500,000, and Florida were the only words I could make out before I just all-out bawled like my ass was tryin’a steal da award from Lataya. Chelle was smilin’ an’ had started cryin’ as she slid down onto the floor beside me.
“Larissa, you’ve been with me through everything, and I know I tell you how much you mean to me every day. Now I can finally start showing you, baby. For every tear I’ve made you cry and every bruise I’ve dealt your heart, I’m not gonna rest until I’ve replaced every single bad memory with fifteen good ones. Even if it takes every day. Until the day I die. This I promise.”
We shared a genuine heartfelt kiss dat immediately turned lustful an’ had me ready to go pull Ike da fuck out an’ give her a serious-ass appreciation fuck. As if on cue, Lataya started whalin’ an’ we both laughed. Chelle stood up, smoothin’ her skirt out an’ straightenin’ her hair as if she were worried that the baby would be able to tell we were just foolin’ around.
“I’ll go see to our princess an’ make sure Trey isn’t up there deconstructing his bedroom set. You can relax tonight.” She bit her lower lip an’ gave me an all-tellin’ naughty smile before she continued, “I mean, relax until it’s time for us to go to bed.”
I loved my baby momma to damn death. I got erethang I eva wanted. A beautiful home, beautiful children, plenty of paper, an’ most important, I got Michelle. She mighta called the plays, but when it’s all said and done I was da muthafucka who provided her wit’ da pen an’ da game book to write dem bitches down.
Baby Momma Saga Page 18