“What is it, baby girl?” He begged me to tell him.
“It…I didn’t do this because of his death.”
I swallowed as he waited and when I didn’t speak he asked, “Why then? Why’d you do it?”
“I…” I squeezed my eyes shut and blurted it out. “He raped me.” I had no idea if he heard me. Had I really said it aloud? I took a deep breath as my heart pounded inside of my chest because I’d finally told my Dad what I’ve wanted to all these years. “Uncle Chad. He raped me,” I repeated.
His head shot up to stare at me. “Chad? Uncle Chad?” He looked crushed, completely bewildered and blindsided. All I could do was nod and look away.
I stared at the TV, watching the actors move about the set using their body language to express their feelings and all I could do was use my words with my Dad. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t tell if he believed me. I waited to hear the same words that I had heard from his wife, that it was a lie and I was just trying to cause more drama.
I wasn’t sure if he needed more information in order to process what I just told him or maybe I just wanted to fill the silence in the room. “It wasn’t just once. It happened over and over again,” I whispered. I took a deep breath as I finally got the courage to look at my dad. Shock, bewilderment and anger repeatedly crossed paths along his features.
My heart lurched out of my chest the same moment my dad jumped up from his seat. Alarms for my vitals were beeping furiously while my mind tried to keep up with reality. I just told my dad the truth. Finally.
Air rushed from my lungs as the realization hit that I finally told him. On the same intake of breath, I wanted to run from the room rather than hear the same disappointment and blame I heard from his wife.
I watched with trepidation as my dad ran his hands through his hair and then over his face in anguish. He stopped suddenly, tears and anger mixed in his eyes and I couldn’t tell what would happen next.
I gasped when he turned and fell onto my hospital bed. “I’m so sorry, Aubrey. I’m so sorry. I wish you had told me. You’ve held this in all these years?” I nodded as he closed his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. His body covered mine in a heap as he pulled me in for a hug despite all the tubes sticking out of me. “Baby, I’m so sorry,” he repeated over and over again.
Hearing his apology and feeling his strength wrapped around me, the burden of my secret seemed to lessen. “I wish you would have told me,” he kept whispering. Finally hearing his acceptance, I wished I had too.
If only I hadn’t been so terrified to tell him. But I was a stupid teenage girl believing what I was told over and over again—how it would break my father’s heart and bring shame to my family; That I was a slut and seduced Chad; That if I told, no one would ever believe that my “cool” likable Uncle Chad would ever have sex with his niece. All mentally beaten into me, making me too afraid to tell.
My dad’s arms tightened and I knew the anger was beginning to take over. “I wish I would have known. I had no clue. Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“He told me that no one would believe me. When I told mom, I realized he was right.” He pulled back to stare at me, his expression rolled with a mixture of emotions—disbelief, anger, frustration and then back to anger.
“You…you told Paige? You told her and she didn’t believe you? She didn’t tell me? All these years, I was on the road and believed my daughter was in safe hands and she turned you over to a monster?”
I had no idea what to say to that. My stomach churned as I started to grasp the full reality of telling him everything. Should I have kept that from him? What would happen to their marriage now?
And the worst was about to happen. It was at that moment when I felt another presence in the room. I watched the glow of my father’s green eyes turn to full hatred as he looked past me. I cringed as I turned to follow his gaze to see my mother standing in the doorway with bewilderment written across her face.
“You!” He spat, causing a noise to escape my throat as my whole body flinched. “She trusted you and you let her down.” He stopped speaking for a moment before his brows pulled together. He stood and stalked toward the door. He lowered his voice. “Why? Why didn’t you just tell me? Even if you thought she was making it up, why didn’t you tell me?”
Her gaze fell to mine, confusion swept over her expression as she tried to figure out her husband’s outburst. “What did you tell him?” I began to shake as I realized the entirety of finally telling my secret. Our secret.
Blue eyes scorched me with hatred as it dawned on her what I must have told my dad. “Lies!” She yelled. “Again, Aubrey? I thought we were way past this and now you accuse my brother again? When he’s dead? Have you no feelings? No shame?”
“What? How twisted are you?” My Dad spat as he lurched at her and pinned her against the wall. I sat up as best as I could, my monitors beeping furiously.
My mom’s mouth contorted as she huffed. “Oh please! Your little girl could do no wrong! Ever!” She chortled as she pushed back on him. My dad stood there as stunned as I was by her words. “Did you ever stop to think about what she used to wear? I insisted she not wear those whore clothes! She pranced around in her little tight shorts, her little tops that didn’t hide any of her chest!”
Another person filled the doorway. “Mr. and Mrs. Baas, you can’t raise your voices in here, much less fight. You need to leave Aubrey’s room now. Please.” The nurse pleaded while I wrung my hands.
Completely ignoring the nurse, my dad’s fists were clenched. He’s never had a temper and I had no idea what he would do with the information I just unloaded on him. And what my mother just said about me. “Why would you make up such sick lies?” He started toward her slowly and she backed up. “Why would you ever think this is Aubrey’s fault?” A security guard popped in between them, protecting my mom just in case. “He raped her.” My dad screamed out as he tried to peer around the tall security guard’s chest. “It had nothing to do with her clothes or how she acted.”
“Okay, sir. You’ve said your peace. Let’s try to cool down and get some air,” the guard’s voice was authoritative yet calm. My dad’s shoulders slumped as he looked to the guard and briefly nodded.
Immediately my mom began to yell a barrage of things as the guard swung around to grab her by the arms. He pushed her out into the hallway as she screamed, “See. Even now you can’t see anything bad about your little girl.”
My dad left my room in a rush. Whether it was because he couldn’t face me now after learning what happened or from confronting my mom, I wasn’t sure; however, I could hear her continued screams down the hall about what a slut I am and how much of a liar I was.
Overwhelmed by sobs, I placed my face into my hands. After a moment, I took a deep breath and tried to swipe at the tears running down my face. I looked up when I heard someone enter. The nurse returned with an unmistakable look of pity across her face.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. You’ve got a lot going on and you don’t need to deal with that.” She continued to take my vitals and fluffed my pillow for me. “The doctor said that you’d be released tomorrow. They have a really good outpatient program set up for you.” Her hand covered mine as I looked into her kind grey eyes. Eyes that reminded me of Vanessa, full of kindness I didn’t feel that I deserved.
“Will she have to see someone daily?” My heart stopped at the deep, baritone voice. It both annoyed me and warmed me. I looked up to see Clark staring at me from the doorway. Concern masked his reddened eyes. I couldn’t recall the scruff on his face being so long before. He’s always kept it shaven or close to a sexy shadow since I’ve met him.
I swallowed, unsure how he felt about me as I watched him run his hand through his already disheveled dark hair.
“Sir, you’re not allowed to be in here.” The nurse started to the door with her hands waving in the air. “You’ll have to leave.”
Clark held his hands up in the air as he looked to me. “He can
stay. Please,” I begged. “Please let him stay,”
The nurse stopped in front of him with her hands on her hips and let out an irritated huff. “Visiting hours end in ten minutes. You’ll have to leave then.”
Clark nodded and stepped aside to let the nurse out. She was shaking her head as she exited. Clark took a step toward me. “Wow, she’s a tough one.”
I offered a quick smile before letting it drop. What do you say to the guy who saved your life when you’re not even sure you were worth saving? I cast my glance back to my hands now sitting in my lap.
“So, you’re getting out of here tomorrow. What are your plans?”
“Plans?” My mouth went dry and panic swept through me. He wants me to move out. Of course he does. Why would he want a suicidal drunken whore in his apartment? No one needs to deal with that.
“Well, yeah. She said you’d be doing some sort of therapy. Do you go live at a nut house for that?” It was crude Clark and he was smiling. I knew he meant it to be a joke and as odd as it was, I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Nut house?” I quirked my head to the side, letting him know how wrong that sounded. At least the nervousness of being kicked out had been set-aside for a moment.
His face fell. “No, I’m sorry. That sounded shitty. I meant, you know for that therapy…”
“I know what you meant, oddly enough.” I gave him a small smile. “It’s outpatient therapy. I just go to a facility for four or five hours a day.” I pressed my lips together and swallowed hard. It was tough enough to face him, let alone realize he didn’t want me as a roommate anymore.
“I’ll find a new place and move out as soon as I can.” I wanted to leave this whole situation and not have to deal with it. My mouth was dry and I wished that I had something to drink. Then it dawned on me; that was how I got myself into this position.
“Why would you move out?”
“Well, I can’t blame you for not wanting me as a roommate anymore.” I swallowed hard. “I’m a little fucked up, you know?”
He chuckled as he approached my bed. “You’re actually a lot fucked up, Aub.” I looked up to see him smiling when all I felt like doing was crawling back into my skin.
“At least you make things interesting.” He sat down on the edge of my bed and shrugged. “I mean, I had just been going along banging girls with Tina thrown into the mix once in awhile.” He tilted his head as he quipped, “You shook things up a bit.”
“You still want me as a roommate?”
“Well, you sure as shit need some ground rules. I’m not going through this crap on a weekly basis. I sure as hell don’t want to have to follow you around to make sure you won’t get attacked again.” He huffed and then looked at me again. “And that coming in every morning, puking ritual has to go, too.”
“That’s a lot of rules. I thought you were an easy going guy.”
“I’ve been a pushover when it comes to you, for some reason.”
“It’s just because you like seeing me run half naked to the dryer when I need my clothes,” I teased. I liked how he broke any tension there might be between us with his new rules. I couldn’t really argue with any of them either.
A knock at the door pulled us away from our back and forth. On one hand, I didn’t want him to leave, but I wasn’t ready to discuss what happened either.
“Visiting times are over. I’m sorry, but your friend will have to leave.”
Clark rolled his eyes as he stood up. The nurse seemed to inhale all the air in the room when he reached into his back pocket for something. He immediately smirked and shook his head. His brows quirked up as he chided, “Relax. It’s not a gun or anything.” I watched the nurse’s shoulders relax just as I felt something land on the sheets of my bed.
I narrowed my eyes as I picked up a pocket-sized notepad. My questioning continued as I stared at the butterflies and flowers on the pink cover. He tossed a ballpoint pen down next to it. “What’s this?” I asked as I picked the pen up to examine both of them.
I looked up in time to see him shrug and scratch the back of his head. “That’s all they had down in the gift shop. I had to fight off a thirteen-year-old girl to get it too. You better appreciate it.” Again, I questioned him with my eyes having no idea what he was talking about. “Just joking about the kid.” He took a deep breath. “Umm. I just, well, in case you wanted to write stuff that comes to mind.” He turned to walk away. I vaguely remembered him telling me about how he used to write down his feelings when he was little. I wondered if he still did that.
“Clark?” He stopped walking and turned to me. I noticed his reddened face and ears and smiled. “Thanks.” I held up the notebook and pen. He swallowed, nodded quickly and walked out without another word.
“I’M EXCITED to see your apartment.” My dad’s voice was ridden with guilt. The more he spoke during the ride home from the hospital, the worse it became. He ignored all my questions about where mom was and avoided the huge issue that loomed over us like a dark cloud. I continued to look outside my window as the voice from his map guide advised him how to get to my apartment. As if I weren’t stable enough to tell him how to get there myself.
He parked at the curb and ran around to open my door, which I was already in the process of opening. “Dad, please stop. You don’t have to pretend I’m going to break down at any moment.” He swallowed and looked to the ground, caught in the act. He nodded as he gestured toward the lobby doors.
I think I was so focused on my dad acting odd that I hadn’t thought about coming back home. By the time we reached the elevators, I began to have heart palpitations. Is it possible to have a heart attack right after leaving a hospital? I tried to swallow, but my mouth went completely dry just as the elevator bell rang. My dad didn’t make it any easier. He was quiet as we rode up to my floor. It was even worse walking down the hallway. The emptiness was more apparent as the sounds of our feet shuffling along the tiled floor seemed to echo more than usual.
“So, this is where you live, huh?” My dad gave a nervous smile as I put my key into the lock. Clark had been kind enough to bring my purse and keys to the hospital. He had taken enough time away from work and didn’t need to take another day off just to be here when I got home. I opened the door and heard its familiar faint creek that’s always annoyed me when I wanted to sneak in and out.
“Home sweet home,” I lilted as we walked into the empty apartment. I tossed my keys into the clear bowl by the door, dropped my purse to the floor and continued to the living room.
“Wow. Look at that skyline.” He whistled low and then smiled proudly. “Honey, you always did love big cities and now look at this.”
“Well, it’s not really a big city, but I do love that view. When I lived with Vanessa, we had a similar view, but I think I like this one better. There’s more lights at night.” It felt good to talk to my dad without it feeling forced. Unfortunately, as soon as that discussion was over, we went back to the same awkwardness.
“Are you thirsty?”
“No, nah. I’m good, thank you.” I nodded.
“Do you want to see my room?”
“Yeah,” he nodded eagerly and followed me toward my bedroom.
The fumes assaulted me the moment I opened my door.
“Whoa! Have you been painting, honey?” My dad asked as I stared at what I believed to be my room. Previously stark white walls were now the faintest light, sky blue. My furniture was still pulled away from the walls and I wondered if the paint was even dry yet. A small plastic fan set on top of my dresser also accompanied the whirl of my bathroom fan in the distance.
“No. I haven’t.” My mind searched for a reason why someone would paint my room. And who did it. Looking around, I also realized how clean it was. My heart flipped knowing my friends had been in here painting and cleaning up the mess while I was in the hospital.
After I tried to kill myself.
“This is a really nice room,” my dad said, taking me away from my thoughts. He
walked over to my huge windows and looked back at me. “I always wanted you to have nice things and now look at this.” I walked over and he pulled me in for a hug and kissed the top of my head. “I’m worried about you. Don’t you dare try that again.”
All I could do was nod into his shoulder. He was holding me so tight, I never wanted him to let me go. I squeezed my eyes closed as the tears threatened to come, but I was so tired of crying.
“Honey, I’m home!” We both heard Clark shout, followed by some odd whispers and the sounds of shuffling. I assumed it was Clark wrestling with his workbag. Dad and I both chuckled as we pulled away from our embrace. I swiped at my eyes just as Clark appeared in my doorway. Immediately, the awkwardness was back. This time it included Clark.
“How did check-out go?” Clark asked my dad. Suddenly, I wasn’t even in the room.
“Good. They seemed pretty quick.” Dad tilted his head to me. “I’d say it was good, wouldn’t you?” I shrugged. This conversation was going nowhere.
“How was work?” I asked, adding into the silly humdrum discussion they seemed to want to have.
It was Clark’s turn to shrug. “Fine.” We all nodded. Everyone seemed uncomfortable.
I watched Clark give my Dad a pointed look that I couldn’t figure out.
“Am I missing something?” I asked. Clark didn’t give me a response, but continued to look at my dad. I expected at least a smart-ass response.
My Dad began to wring his hands. “I guess we should all sit down and have that talk,” my dad said as he started to the door. Clark stepped aside as I narrowed my eyes at him.
“What talk?” I asked as I looked at Clark.
“The talk,” he said as he waved me through the door. I crossed my arms and stood there staring at him. “This isn’t debatable, Aub.”
I wondered which they’d start in on first: my drinking, my promiscuity (because I really wanted my dad to hear that) or how often Uncle Chad raped me. I wanted to discuss absolutely none of those issues.
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