“No, it’s not okay. And I don’t believe you one bit. I could see the hurt in your eyes back there. Why didn’t you tell him? Why didn’t you ever tell him that you actually love him?”
“Because I don’t!”
He leaned in, his face mere inches from mine. “Bullshit.”
The tears were flowing now and I couldn’t stop them. People darted past us, cars were honking as they tried to maneuver through the streets and here I had to discuss love with Clark on a busy sidewalk. “What do you want from me? Why do you even care if I do or don’t love him?”
I could really use a drink right now.
No, I should go workout.
My mind started flipping through what I should do next so I wouldn’t have to think about Gregory and his new fiancée. That word made my stomach roll. I felt Clark’s hand on my arm and I shivered. I wasn't sure if it was from the cold air or his touch.
“I’m sorry, Aub. I just…I just wanted to know….”
“Know what?” Completely frustrated with his questions, I darted my eyes to the traffic passing nearby. I crossed my arms over my chest, needing to conceal my feelings from him. I wanted a break from him, but at the same time I felt like I needed him. Or needed to talk to him. The thoughts of drinking or working out just moments ago were clearly my way of wanting an escape from these feelings and I knew from my recent therapy I probably needed to hit everything straight on.
“Love.” My eyes shot to his. “If you’re still in love with him.” Those deep cocoa orbs begged me for the truth. The pain in my chest throbbed as if he hit me right there with his hands. But he hadn’t touched me…only his words had. Why did he care?
“Don’t. Please don’t ask me that. I don’t know how to answer it.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know if it was really love or the idea of being in love.”
“With him?”
“With anyone. Why do you want to know that?”
“I just...I’ve just been watching you, that’s all.”
I huffed as I stared back out the bustling street. Before I could think about it, I turned back to him and asked, “Are you…in love?” In love with Tina? I wasn’t sure that I really wanted the answer. The moments that keep happening between us were something that I’ve never had with any man. I couldn’t tell if it was just a really close friendship or the something more that I’ve always craved.
He looked across the street and I could see the outline of his jaw as he clenched his teeth. He shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I have these feelings, but…” He looked back at me, his eyes so full of questions and uncertainty. “How would I know? And how would I know that I wouldn’t be left again?”
“What do you mean by that? You mean your mom?” Surprise now replaced the questions in his eyes. “I…Z told me a long time ago. Sorry, you probably didn’t want anyone to know, but I kept pressing him for a reason why you were the way you were. Are. Why you are the way you are.”
His mouth turned up at one corner as he shook his head and seemed annoyed with Z for telling his secret. His hands rested on his hips as he explained what Z left out. “She left and never came back. The letters. That’s why I write them. One of my teachers found out that my mom left. I guess I was acting out a little.” He shook his head and chuckled. “She told me to write my mom a letter to get it all out—all my anger, frustration. Everything. She insisted it would help. It did.” I nodded, still unsure of what to say. “I…can’t let anyone back in. I know I’d be left again.”
My heart sank just thinking about Clark as a little boy waiting for his mom to return only to find out she never would. Even if it wasn’t me that he was in love with, he’d been through so much with me; I couldn’t let him hurt. I reached out and squeezed his arm gently.
“You don’t know that. You have to take a chance, see where it leads. It might be another heartbreak, but it could also be the best thing that’s ever happened to you,” I told him boldly. As if I really knew that as uncertain as I could be sometimes.
His eyes bore into mine, doubting what I told him. “You really believe that? After what happened with that Greg guy, you’d be willing to take a chance with someone else? You’d chance going through that pain all over again?”
My eyes searched the street for a moment, needing to try to explain feeling this way. Knowing and seeing all our friends around us falling in love and enjoying their lives together, I knew there had to be someone out there for me. My eyes flicked back to his.
“Yes. Absolutely.” I swallowed as I reaffirmed my answer, “I’d be willing to chance it all just to have a shot at love; the type of love that our friends seem to have.” I looked at the ground as I thought about it some more. “I just want that once, even if it’s for a short while.” I bit my lip and looked back at him. “That feeling would carry me through the rest of my life until my dying breath.” Tears welled up in my eyes and I chuckled as I wiped them away. “Good job, Clark. You made me cry,” I teased.
He was still staring at me, studying me for a moment. Then the corners of his mouth turned up and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “It’s a gift. I’ve been told I’m really good at it.” He pulled me to start walking back with him. “At least you didn’t slap me like most chicks do.”
A COUPLE of nights later after work we were sitting on the couch relaxing. I came home a little early and cooked dinner for the both of us, which was fun to surprise Clark with. I guess he had no idea I could cook. I’m not a great cook, by any means. Nothing like Izzy and her gourmet meals, but at least I can create a little something.
Much to my surprise, Clark helped me clean up. I had fully expected him to sit on the couch and let me finish up the dishes. He keeps doing things that don’t seem to fit what most people would expect of him. It made me remember what Tina had told me when I first questioned her about wanting to be with him and putting up with his ways.
“Wanna go to the movies?” Clark asked with a boyish shyness that was quite endearing. He had turned in his seat and seemed like he was slightly nervous asking me.
I couldn’t help but smile. Although there was something about the way he asked me that made me wonder something. “Do you usually go with someone?”
“Always. I can’t be one of those losers that sit by themselves.”
I chuckled and told him, “I do it all the time. It’s nice to see a movie by yourself sometimes. No one there telling you their opinion throughout the movie or debating on which movie to see. You can go to whatever one you want. And you get to eat all the popcorn.”
Clark’s brows pulled together in slight confusion or maybe he was considering what I was telling him. “Yeah, that still makes you look like you couldn’t get a date.” He took a restless breath. “Do you want to go or not?”
I was all in, but couldn’t resist holding off on an answer just to watch him squirm a little more. “What movie are you going to see?”
“I didn’t decide yet, but an action one. None of that sappy girl shit.”
“No romantic comedies for you?”
“No, then the chick gets all mushy and doe-eyed.”
I swallowed, unsure if I really wanted to know the answer to my next question. “Do you take Tina?”
“Yeah, usually. Why?”
“Just Tina or usually other girls?”
“Sometimes I go with other girls, but just Tina usually. Why?” He didn’t bother waiting for my response as he gave me another quizzical look. “Do you want to go or not?” He pressed.
“I’m just asking who you take since you don’t like to go alone.” I looked around the apartment. It was raining outside and I had planned on just flipping through the TV tonight. “I’ll go with you. Let me change really quick.”
“Wear something tight so I can brush against your boobs once in awhile. I gotta get my thrills from you somehow,” he teased as I stood up. I just shook my head.
“Cute, Clark, really cute.” I headed to my room and clos
ed my door. I grabbed the first pair of jeans lying on the floor. They were faded with slight rips in them. I considered what top to wear. I grabbed a huge, grey sweatshirt, which concealed as much of my well-endowed chest as possible. That should keep his mind somewhere else. Who am I kidding? It’s Clark. I ran a brush through my hair, refreshed my makeup and walked out to the living room. Clark was leaning up against the back of the couch staring at his phone and looked up.
The corner of his mouth turned up just slightly as his eyes grazed over my body. Quickly, he looked back at his phone and completely opposite of what his expression was, asked, “Seriously? A sweatshirt?”
It’s as if he has to antagonize me or he’s not complete. “Does it make you feel any better that I’m only wearing a bra under it?” He straightened up and slipped his phone into his back pocket.
Clark cracked a smile before answering nonchalantly, “I guess. Sort of.” I walked over to the end table and picked up my purse. Swinging it over my shoulder, one of our phones rang out. I started to pull mine from my purse, when I watched him retrieve his phone from his back pocket. Rolling his eyes, I knew it was his. And who was calling.
“What’s up?”…“No, just heading to the movies.”…”With my roommate.”…“Yes, Aub.”…“No, it’s not a date. Just like it’s never a date when we go.”…“Goodbye, Tina.” He stressed “goodbye” with huge annoyance in his voice as he hung up. I raised my brow prompting him to say something, but it was obvious he wasn’t going to as he started toward the door.
SEEING a movie with Clark was actually fun. He was excited like a little kid and laughed like one too. Carefree. Without regard to who was around him or what they would think. I found myself watching Clark more than the movie. It wasn’t a bad movie, it actually was pretty good, but my eyes kept wandering to watch his animated face. It wasn’t to the point where he was embarrassing or anything like that. He just simply enjoyed himself, which actually made me enjoy it more too. Note to self. Watch more movies with Clark.
Our walk back home was…romantic. I know, that’s so weird to say, but it was. He draped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me close. We talked about the movie and laughed about our favorite parts. It was like we were a couple. Or maybe that’s just what he does. Makes you feel like you’re the only one when you’re with him.
The moment we walked in our door, it all changed. Well, really it was when his phone rang. I was pretty sure it had to do with him taking me to the movies and Tina not being happy with that.
Hanging up my jacket in my bedroom closet, I overheard him on the phone. Well, sort of. It was more like half sentences, “No’s, “That’s not true” and “No! I’m not sleeping with her.” There were many of those in different variations. I went ahead and shut my door for some privacy. I wasn’t sure if it was more for him or for me though.
THE FOLLOWING DAY AT WORK, all I could think about was how much fun Clark and I had at the movies. I sat there staring out my window daydreaming about…him. I went over the chain of events the past couple nights. Last night I had listened to his conversation with Tina on the phone through my door. Okay, so I admit that was wrong, but I could tell they either broke up or were going to break up and I just wanted to know. Oddly enough, I was actually a little happy about that. Then I felt guilty about wanting them to break up and wondered why that would make me happy.
Wanting Clark and Tina to break up was not rational, but wanting to be his next girlfriend wasn’t either. Yet, those were the exact thoughts I was having. And those thoughts turned into strange fantasies of dates we would have. Thoughts of being his girlfriend filled me with some odd excitement. I was even writing out pros and cons of being Clark’s girlfriend. Of course, there were more cons than pros, but little hearts drawn in the pros side were making it an even list. Teenager-ish? Yeah, I knew it was but I couldn’t help myself.
The words “Clark” at the top of my page made my heart pound. Or maybe that was heartburn from the pasta I indulged in at lunch. Oddly enough, it reminded me of the lasagna at that small restaurant Clark took me to. I’d thought about asking him to go to dinner with me tonight, but then Vanessa had texted me asking me to go out with her. Putting my feelings for Clark aside again, I agreed to her choice for dinner.
Getting nothing done the rest of the afternoon, I went home and changed. By the time I slipped into my yoga pants and off-shoulder top, I heard the front door open and close.
As I walked into the kitchen for some water, Clark came strolling out of his bedroom and sat on the couch. Staring out the window, the sullen look on his face made me wonder if my hopes that I had thought about all day long had come true. My heart sped up just thinking that they’d broken up. It was what I wanted, but seeing him melancholy made me regret everything I’d dreamed about all day long.
I stood in front of the couch and asked, “Did you and Tina have a fight?” I pretty much knew the answer to that, but I couldn’t let him know.
He didn’t answer me right away so I added, “If you want to talk, I’m here for you.” I was sincere and I meant it, even though this seems to be such a regular occurrence.
When he still didn’t come, I took the hint that he wanted to be left alone about and turned to walk out of the kitchen.
“She went back to him.” After a slight pause, he added, “Again.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I told him with sincerity, even though I wasn’t too surprised.
“Well, I knew it was coming again. I guess you did too, huh?”
I couldn’t help but give him a sad smile. “It seems to happen a lot with you two. So no, I’m not really surprised.” He nodded his head again. Then he stopped and his eyes ran up and down my body. A shiver ran through me following the same pattern his eyes just swept over. It wasn’t leering or needy, but I could tell what he was thinking. Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but be turned on by his eyes roaming over me.
Then it dawned on me.
The next stage after the staring-into-space-phase is to start sleeping with any woman near him.
I didn’t move fast enough.
Before I knew what was happening, he had jumped up off the couch. His hand wrapped around my arm and spun me back to him causing all the air to leave my chest. The warmth of his lips near mine made my pulse quicken even more as he held me close. Memories of our rooftop kiss and the way his body felt against mine exploded in my mind. I inhaled deeply and wondered if he put some sort of weird pheromones in his cologne that turned me on so quickly. My lips parted, dying for a taste of him again. By the way his brown eyes sparked, he noticed. The corner of his lip curled up, satisfied knowing he could make me feel this way.
The apartment was deathly quiet and I knew he had to have heard me swallow hard. Or hear the pounding of my heart. Or feel the quickness of my chest as it rose and fell in anticipation. After all, I had just spent my entire afternoon daydreaming about this very scenario.
“I guess this means that maybe we could continue what we started on the roof or even back at Mel and Flynn’s wedding.” He closed his eyes as he leaned in and my mind turned to mush. Just wanting that touch from him, that connection flooded me with need.
The moment our lips touched, I was done for. This man has the most full, soft lips I’ve ever had the pleasure of kissing. I melted into him savoring another moment from him. Pressed against mine, I responded immediately to him and opened my mouth allowing the warmth of his tongue full access to entwine with mine. One of his hands slid around my waist and his other around the back of my neck. The feel of his hands, the taste of his mouth, the strength and passion behind every movement sent my senses into overload. I was dizzy with lust, craving him more than I realized even during my afternoon fantasies.
Somewhere behind that desire to be with him was a hideous voice that kept warning me this wasn’t going to end well. Not the kiss. That would definitely end well—most likely with me in his bed. Hell, my whole body was craving that entire scene like a sex-starved maniac. I want
ed whoever was behind that reasonable voice to shut up so I could savor every moment of Clark being mine. Mine to devour again like I did that night. Mine to elicit carnal desires from. Mine to act out any fantasy I’ve ever had with a man.
But he wasn’t mine. Even when he was broken up with Tina, deep down I knew the truth. He wouldn’t be a “mine” to anyone. Clark was in his rebound phase.
My heart already throbbed just as much as the craving between my legs. I pulled away and pushed away all my desires to take him to my bedroom. Or take him on the couch. Or let him take me on the floor. Fuck that, the coffee table would be fantastic, I was sure of it. “We can’t,” I choked out breathlessly.
He inched toward me with a sly grin that caused flashes of how I would please him through my mind. And how he could please me. In a last ditch attempt, I said, “I…you’re still in love with her.”
“I’m not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with her,” he told me as he stepped in and attempted to kiss me again. I inhaled deep and dodged to the side, backing away around the table, as if that was going to calm us both down.
“You are in love with her, you just don’t realize it.” I took a breath again before blurting out, “I deserve better than this.”
It was like cold water on a fire and I could almost see the steam roll off him. For some reason, that last statement got his attention and his whole body slumped. Every feature on his face looked pained as if I had just shot an arrow into his heart. Maybe it had bounced back because it felt like it was piercing my heart, too.
“You’re right. You do deserve better than me just trying to hook-up with you again.” He swept his hand through his thick hair. “I’m sorry,” he apologized, his eyes darting around the room.
I stared at him, stunned that he agreed with me. At the same time, my heart plunged because he’d agreed with me. I felt sick to my stomach as I watched him head straight for the door and leave the apartment.
The door didn’t slam, but the sound of it clicking closed affected me as if it had. I slumped onto the couch and had that odd pit in my stomach that I made a mistake, even though I knew it wasn’t true.
Alluring Promises Box Set (Books 1-3) Page 112