“That bit about the glitch explains a few things though,” Herb said thoughtfully.
Lois glowered at her boyfriend and then turned back to Stanley. “So you think he was telling the truth?” Lois asked. “You think he was the original Stanley, and he’s been living with aliens all this time?”
“I guess,” Stanley mumbled, looking deflated. “He must b-be the real thing. And me… j-just some guy with a g-glitch.”
Lois wrapped Stanley up in an unexpected hug.
“You poor dear!” she exclaimed. “I don’t know if that other Stanley was telling the truth or not, but as far as I’m concerned, you’re the real Stanley.”
“But which one, Lois?” Stanley asked. “The one that walked out of that soccer field in high school? Or the one that showed up the first time I,” he gulped, “I d-died? Or the s-second time? Or the third? When that Stanley P-Prime was talking, I was remembering. All of it, Lois.”
Herb stepped around a stray beam of sunlight and picked up the alarm clock. “Look on the bright side. If he was right, as long as this little thing is close to an outlet, you’re immortal. That’s something, right?”
Stanley looked from Lois’s genuine concern to Herb’s effervescent optimism. The vampire was definitely on to something. He might not be sexy like a vampire, or totally badass like a werewolf, but he was something.
“Gee, I g-guess you’re right, Herby,” Stanley acknowledged with a growing sense of wonder. “Although if it’s all the same with you, I’d k-kinda rather not keep dying so much.”
Herb laughed and clapped his friend on the shoulder, and Lois pulled him in for another quick hug.
“Speaking of dying,” she said, her voice dropping to a more somber note, “I’m honestly not sure who’s left in town that hasn’t. After you got killed last night, we managed to get away, but had to spend the night in the car. Too dangerous to stay put. There are zombies everywhere.”
Herb nodded. “We had a hunch you’d show up again. Couldn’t be sure, but we had to check. And it gets worse.”
Stanley frowned. “Worse? G-geez, Herb. What could be worse than everyone turning into zombies?”
“The Society,” the vampire answered. “We got a glimpse of them on the way over. Aletia was there, spinning around a group of zombies with a couple of knives and stabbing them all in the head. That one that got you with the crossbow? Well, I guess you were just target practice. I saw him take out five zombies, every single one a head shot. And the big one?” Herb whistled and pushed a hand through his unruly red hair. “He’s got some kind of club that’s gotta be as tall as me. Swinging it like Babe Ruth and clearing four or five at a time. Their heads were exploding like overripe melons. It was gross. Like, really, really gross.”
“It’s horrible,” Lois added, on the verge of tears. “They’re slaughtering our neighbors, our friends. Even,” she faltered for a moment, and Herb reached out to squeeze her shoulder. “Even kids. They aren’t trying to help. They’re just killing everyone. We have to stop them.”
Stanley shared their horror. He knew from very personal experience how much it sucked to die.
“But how?” he asked. “I mean, Herb, you’re real fast and strong, and Lois, you can do some p-pretty incredible stuff. But me… Dallas always said I’d b-be worth less than a wet fart in a fight.”
“Dallas,” Herb repeated mournfully. “If only he were here. No one fights like Dallas. He’d put those Society jerks in their place, sure as Sheboygan.”
The three sat quietly for a minute, each lost in their own dark thoughts. Finally, Lois broke the silence.
“Maybe I can find him.”
Stanley and Herb started to clamor over each other, asking how and how soon and what could they do to help.
“Astral projection,” she said. When she was met with blank stares, she tried again.
“I’ve read about it. It’s like a spirit walk. I leave my body and search for Dallas from the astral plane. From what I’ve read, space and time are a little different there. I should be able to cover a lot of ground really quickly. If I have something of his I can use as a lodestone, a compass of sorts, I can probably find him.”
Herb frowned and asked, “Probably?”
Lois laughed nervously. “Or get lost trying.”
Herb’s frown deepened. “And… what happens if you get lost?”
This time, Lois didn’t laugh. She looked down at her feet and said quietly, “I don’t know.”
While Herb immediately started telling her that it was too risky and that she’d only be doing any astro-stuff over his twice-dead body, Stanley set himself to thinking. He’d been lost plenty of times, but only when he’d been by himself. He couldn’t recall a single time that he’d been lost when he was with somebody else.
“We’ll g-go with,” he announced. “Me and Herby. We c-can help you find your way back.”
The vampire agreed. “Good idea. We’ll go too. In the… plane. The astro one. We can do that, right?”
“Well,” Lois finally said. “I guess if I had to get lost in a different plane of existence, it’d be nice to be lost with my two favorite fellas.”
A plan started to take shape. They knew they couldn’t stay in town. All the zombies and a roving trio of monster hunters made that prospect too dangerous. Stanley suggested heading up into the Nicolet forest. He figured it’d be quiet, being winter and all. Plus, it was far enough out that the zombies wouldn’t be anywhere near it. Lois and Herb agreed it sounded perfect.
“Okay. I just need something of Dallas’s that he had a really strong connection to. Something he really, really loved,” Lois said. “Any ideas?”
Stanley and Herb shared a look.
“I th-think I got an idea,” Stanley said.
Chapter 15
Stanley was hungry again. He and a large group of friends had roamed back and forth through the entire town. With each pass, they’d added a few more zombies to their ranks, but no one got much to eat. He had voiced his frustration and was answered with hundreds of commiserating moans. Everyone enjoyed a good standing around or walking in the same direction, but even those exciting pastimes had started to lose their appeal. What everyone really wanted was more people to chew on.
Maybe we need to hit the road. Green Bay? he wondered with sudden inspiration. It was the third largest city in Wisconsin, so there’d be plenty of people. Plus, there was always the chance he’d get to eat a Packer. If he got to bite a Packer, especially one of the starters, Dallas and Herb would be so jealous.
Mind made up, he wobbled in a circle until he figured he was pointing roughly southeast and started shuffling while Laura limped along at his side. The horde of zombies sprawling around him bumped and staggered into one another and slowly fell in line. Stragglers that had wandered off on their own realized that something exciting was amiss and shuffled to join the mass of undead filling the road from curb to curb. Soon, Stanley was confident he had the entire town of Trappersville following him on his slow, optimistic trek to Green Bay.
Things were going just fine until they weren’t. It started when a zombie a few yards to his left went down. Then two more a ways off to his right disappeared. A moment later, a loud whoosh was followed by a mighty splattering. Gooey chunks of skull and brains rained down on the zombies around him as the heads of four more zombies nearby exploded.
“Hhheeeeeyyyy,” he grumbled. They were clearly under attack, but he didn’t know by whom.
He didn’t have to wonder for long. A dark silhouette streaked in front of him. Bright flashes followed, and two more zombies went down. When Stanley turned to look, he saw their skulls had been expertly sliced open. The silhouette streaked back and he finally registered a woman. She was dressed all in black – black, knee-high boots, black leggings, and a form-fitting, black turtleneck. As she ran, black hair streamed behind her. The smooth, dark skin of her beautiful face framed white teeth that shone in a ferocious grin as she thrust with a long knife and sent another o
f Stanley’s zombie friends to the ground.
Aletia, he realized with a shock. Where did she come from?
The Society hunter wasn’t alone. To one side, a biker-looking dude shot and reloaded a crossbow over and over, slowing only to pull bolts from the skulls of downed zombies. When Stanley looked in the other direction, he found an explanation for the earlier explosion of zombie heads. A giant of a man swung a large club in wide arcs. When it connected, it pulverized the skulls of all of the poor undead in its path.
Stanley noted these details and felt a twinge at the loss of his new friends, but it was a distant and vague feeling of loss. He had lots and lots and lots of friends now. Losing a few probably wasn’t so bad. What was of greater import was the fact that three fresh, juicy humans were within reach.
“Huuuunnnnngrryyyy,” he announced, and the zombies responded with a throaty roar.
Their shuffling took on a renewed sense of purpose. Stanley felt himself pushed forward from behind by the growing surge. The hunters noticed, too. Stanley heard the giant bark out a warning, his voice splitting the air like a cannon. He and the biker guy fell back, putting more and more distance between themselves and the zombie horde. Only Aletia remained, dancing in and darting away, her blade cleaving skulls like they were butter.
Stanley tried to follow her movements, but she was too fast. He always seemed to end up looking where she’d just been a moment before, and then suddenly she was right in front of him.
“Dios mio!” she exclaimed, the tip of a long knife mere inches from his forehead. “Stanley?”
“Hhhiiiiii, Tiiiiaaaa,” he moaned.
Before she could respond, Laura lurched forward and tried to bite the hunter’s arm. Aletia turned and dodged gracefully away before returning her shocked stare to Stanley.
“Laaauuurrraaa. Aaaaallleeesshhaa,” he said, gesturing from one beautiful woman to the other.
“Huuunnngry,” Laura said, her bruised and battered face glowering.
She had a good point. Seeing Aletia appear virtually out of thin air had been a bit of a surprise, and it was always nice to catch up with old acquaintances, but Stanley sorted his priorities out quickly enough. He took an uneven step forward and stretched his jaws wide. The hunter took a step back, then another as Stanley and Laura and a growing number of zombies advanced. She held out the wickedly sharp blade of a knife and kept it trained on Stanley’s head, but she didn’t lunge. She just kept walking backward, a conflicted look darkening her eyes. When the loud giant yelled again, she turned and sprinted away.
“Aaaawwww,” Stanley complained. A snack on the way to Green Bay would’ve hit the spot, but there’d be plenty of people to eat soon enough. Stomach rumbling, the zombie settled back into his slow trod, the excitement of a few moments before already forgotten.
Chapter 16
Lois eased the Volvo slowly up the drive to Dallas’s house. It had been a depressing trip. They’d passed the horde, making sure to stay far away from its edges. After they’d passed its tail end, the only zombies they’d seen were immobile ones whose legs had been twisted or crushed or severed. Those that still had working arms dragged themselves forward, attempting to follow the others. The snow was smeared with gore like snail trails in their wake. The other bodies they had seen were dead dead, their uneaten remains in various states of gruesome repose. When the sun finally set and darkness settled over the Wisconsin town, it was a blessing. The only horrors they saw were the ones that briefly appeared in the light cast by the car’s square headlamps before disappearing into the night.
Lois killed the engine and asked Herb if he could take a quick look around, just to be safe. The vampire kissed her on the cheek and stepped out onto the snowy drive.
“Brrr,” he complained. “It’s cold out here, even for a vampire.”
The door slammed shut and a red-headed blur in a green Packers parka streaked into the shadows. Stanley had just gotten out the words, “Holy c-camoly, that Herb sure is fast,” when the vampire returned.
“Coast is clear,” he said as he opened Lois’s door.
The witch stepped out to join her boyfriend. Stanley followed, and the three approached their friend’s house in quiet anticipation.
“What do you think we should look for?” Lois asked. “When searching for someone from the astral plane, you need something that person is really attached to. Something they love more than life itself. If it’s a strong enough bond, it can also help make you visible to them.”
“How the h-heck do you know all this stuff, Lois?” Stanley asked. “Last summer, you were j-just waiting tables at Ronnie’s. No offense,” he stammered when Lois skewered him with a dark look. “It’s impressive. B-but how’d you end up knowing so much?”
Herb smiled proudly, and Lois’s features softened.
“You know quite a bit yourself, Stanley,” she said. “How’d you get to know all of those Final Jeopardy answers?”
Stanley rubbed his chin in thought. “I d-dunno. I mean, I do know. First, you g-gotta understand that the answer is a question. That t-took some getting used to, let me tell you. I think th-that’s why people love Jeopardy so much. Turns all your expectations right on their head, sure d-does.”
While Stanley paused to let everyone take a moment and appreciate how innovative the game show’s creators were, Herb twisted the handle on Dallas’s front door and broke the lock. The three friends hurried into the relative warmth the dark house offered and huddled in the entryway.
“After you g-got that part down,” Stanley continued, “it’s not so t-tough. You just gotta record ‘em on the VCR and watch ‘em a bunch of t-times.”
“So you study,” Lois prompted.
Stanley blinked in thought. “Yeah, I g-guess so. Yep.”
Lois nodded. “Me too. Lots.”
“It’s like dating a college girl,” Herb stated. “I never got to date a college girl, but I imagine if I had, she’d have been studying all the time too.” His voice dropped as he added for Stanley’s ears, “She’s a hot college girl, too.”
“I heard that,” Lois said playfully as she batted Herb’s arm. “Now come on. We need to find something Dallas was really attached to.”
As Lois headed into the main floor’s living room, flipping on lights along the way and rubbing her hands together to warm them, Stanley and Herb shared a secret smile.
“How long do we let her look?” Herb asked.
Stanley made a face. “I d-dunno. Maybe ten minutes?”
“You’re terrible,” the vampire replied. “And she’d kill me. I think the most we can get away with is five,” he advised sagely while Lois worked her way through the detritus of Dallas’s bachelor lifestyle.
“Maybe this?” she asked, holding up a football trophy from Dallas’s high school days.
When Stanley and Herb shook their heads, Lois headed upstairs. A few minutes later, she returned, gingerly holding a magazine.
“This particular issue of Penthouse seems well used,” she said in a more than disgusted tone. “Potential?”
Again, Stanley and Herb shook their heads, but this time, the two men couldn’t suppress a shared chuckle.
“What?” she demanded. “What’s so funny?”
Herb stifled another laugh and asked, “Oh. Nothing. You’re doing great. I’m sure you’ll find something.”
Lois walked over to Herb, grabbed his ear and pulled him further into the room. “If you want to have sex again, you’ll tell me what’s so funny.”
“Okay okay okay!” the vampire cried out. “It was Stanley’s idea.”
“Hey!” Stanley protested. “We had it at the same t-time. Don’t you go believing him, Lois. Same t-time, that’s a fact.”
Lois glared at the two overgrown children. “So? What is it?”
“You wanted something Big D really loved, right?” Stanley asked. “Something he loved more th-than life itself?”
With a dramatic flourish, Stanley pointed outside at the raised up, four
-wheel drive, V8 Dodge Ram pickup truck that sat like a brooding beast in front of the garage. Even under a heavy dusting of snow, the lovingly waxed, custom electric blue paint still shone, and the chrome fenders, running boards, bed rails and exhaust glinted like hidden treasure.
“I think that’ll d-do,” Stanley proclaimed proudly. “I think that Deloris will d-definitely do.”
Lois face-palmed, incredulous that she’d forgotten just how much Dallas cared about his truck. When they’d been on a date, he’d drunkenly flipped the truck and nearly killed them both. In the days after, Dallas had worried more about Deloris than Lois. It was the final nail in the very small coffin of their brief fling.
“Keys?” she asked, and Herb obliged by grabbing Dallas’s spare set from a small table near the door.
After they unlocked Deloris, the vampire slid into the driver’s seat, eyes wide. He cleared his throat as he slid the key into the ignition.
“Just gonna warm her up, Dal,” he said to the ether. “I swear I’m not trying to take your girl. It’s cold, so we’re gonna run the heater for a bit. That’s okay, right?”
All three held their breath, suddenly convinced that Dallas was going to explode from the shadows and shove Herb back inside a beer can for daring to sit at Deloris’s wheel. After a tense moment, they all exhaled and shared a nervous laugh, only to flinch again when Herb turned the key. The engine tugged stubbornly after sitting for months in the winter air, but then grabbed and roared to life. Like some old world leviathan waking from a century-long sleep, the truck rumbled and set their teeth vibrating. A minute passed, and warm, dry air flowed from the vents.
“Okay, this shouldn’t be too complicated,” Lois said, drawing some odd curios from her bag. “According to the books, it’s not unlike going into a trance. I just need to weave the spell, meditate, and give myself over to the separation of me from myself,” Lois explained in a reasonable, if slightly worried, tone.
Stanley raised a hand.
“Yes?” Lois asked.
“What about me?”
Undead Cheesehead (Monsters in the Midwest Book 3) Page 11