He was now holding out the squash for Aileen as she went to put the handkerchief away. She would have to tell him no. Her mother would never allow things between them to go any further. She’d make life very difficult for both of them, so what was the point? Aileen almost remonstrated with herself as she played for time and pretended to be searching for the right pocket in her handbag to put the handkerchief in. She was Aileen the carer, not Aileen the girlfriend or lover or wife. Aileen the servant of her very sick mother was who she was. She clicked the clasp shut and as she turned her head towards him a voice rang out.
‘Back to your positions, everyone. We only have one more rehearsal before Christmas Eve.’
Freddie was speaking. ‘Quick, drink up. You’ll need it to keep you warm.’ He smiled and as he did so, his hands went to the scarf that had slipped off her shoulder and was hanging down the back of her coat. He reached over her, picked it up and wrapped it around her neck. ‘You need to keep your throat warm too. You don’t look after yourself, you don’t.’
Her heart melted. It was so rare to have someone expressing concern about whether she was warm or cold. She didn’t think about her words before she spoke them. Quite the opposite, in fact – if she’d verbalized what was running through her mind, she would have refused his invitation. She simply heard herself replying, ‘Why not! That would be nice.’
They both stood there grinning until their moment of warmth was interrupted. ‘Freddie, Sister Paige, do you think we have all night to wait for you?’ And as they turned around, it felt as though every member of the choir was looking and smiling at the two of them.
*
Mrs Paige had become more and more irritated with Gina as the evening had worn on. She’d rung the bell almost incessantly.
‘The fire is low, why have you allowed it to burn down so much?’
Gina ran off to fill up the bucket and soon had the fire blazing up the chimney. ‘Is that all right for you, Mrs Paige?’ she said. Receiving only a grunt in response, she made her way back down to the kitchen, where she had decided to take the opportunity to clean the silver she’d found in a wooden canteen. Even if Sister Paige was at the hospital on Christmas Day, it would be nice to do the silver for her, just in case. She laid newspaper on the kitchen table and lined everything up. She was just opening the baking soda paste she’d found in a jar under the sink when the bell rang again.
‘Blimey, what now?’ She threw the cloth down and hurried back up the stairs. She didn’t want Aileen to come back and find her halfway through her job. ‘Yes, Mrs Paige?’ she said breezily as she entered the room, no hint of irritation in her voice.
‘Fetch me my whisky and water, would you. It’s in the cupboard over there.’ Mrs Paige pointed to a polished mahogany cabinet fixed to the wall.
Gina had wondered what went into the glass she removed from the bedside table every morning. It always smelt stale to her and left a translucent brown stain in the bottom.
‘I have it for medicinal proposes.’
Gina made her way to the cabinet. She always made sure there was a clean glass back on the bedside table every day, but she would have to go all the way back down to the kitchen for the water. She supressed a sigh, lifted the bottle out and, placing it on the table beside Mrs Paige, said, ‘I will fetch some water then, but you will have to show me how much to pour in.’
‘I will indeed. I wouldn’t expect you to know how much is the right amount.’
Ten minutes later, Gina had taken Mrs Paige to the toilet, fixed her cushions and poured her whisky, but instead of going all the way down the stairs to the scullery, she sat on the chair on the landing for a minute, just in case she was called again.
She heard the glass being placed on the table a number of times in quick succession and then she heard the chair squeak. She’s getting up, Gina thought, and she quietly shifted herself off her seat, placed her eye at the keyhole and watched as Mrs Paige walked over to the window.
She was not as fast as she was in the mornings, Gina would give her that, but there was no drag on what was supposed to be her bad leg, like there was when Gina was in the room. She definitely lifted the leg and placed it back down again.
Mrs Paige switched off the lamp that stood on the table at the window and stood next to the navy velvet drapes. Gina wondered whether she’d turned the light off deliberately, so that she couldn’t be seen from the street. Then Gina heard the squeal of the brakes on the bus as the clock struck ten. Aileen had told her that she might be on the ten o’clock bus. Flip, she thought, I wanted to finish that silver before Sister Paige got home. It didn’t even occur to her to worry that she’d been working non-stop for fifteen hours or that it would be later still by the time she got home herself. She rose slowly, ready to sneak down the stairs, aware for the first time that her limbs felt heavy.
Just as she went to put her foot on the top stair, she heard a loud gasp from Mrs Paige and then her stick banged on the floor, twice. This was her way of demanding attention, as Gina was well aware. It was either that or shouting.
Gina moved to the window on the landing and parted the curtains to see what it was that had made Mrs Paige gasp. A smile spread across her face. Under the lamp-post at the bottom of the street, a man was kissing a woman. He had his arms around her waist and the woman he was embracing was definitely Sister Paige.
Gina almost clapped her hands together with excitement. Poor lonely Sister Paige, at the grand old spinsterish age of thirty, was being kissed. The kiss was brief and although she felt that watching was wrong, she couldn’t bring herself to turn away. Under the lamp-post in the deserted street they drew apart and talked briefly and then he turned on his heel and headed back down Green Lane, towards the bus stop.
Gina looked away as Sister Paige thrust her hands in her pockets and walked towards the house. Just at that moment she heard Mrs Paige start hobbling back to her chair.
Sister Paige! Who would have imagined it! Gina grinned to herself as she raced back down to the kitchen and the unfinished silver. And why not? Why shouldn’t she? Gina was pleased for Sister Paige. She couldn’t wait to tell her mam.
*
On the other side of the bedroom door, Mrs Paige slumped into her armchair, her mind racing at what she’d just seen. What if Aileen had finally found herself a young man and was planning to leave home? She knocked back the remains of the whisky in her glass and glared at the window. Even more pressing was the problem of Christmas Day, now that Josie had decided to leave her in the lurch. She knew it would take something big to tear Aileen away from her ward duties that day, but she was determined to find a way. Gina had left the whisky bottle and the jug of water on the table. She lifted the bottle with ease and poured herself a large measure. If Aileen dared to comment that it was disappearing faster than usual, she would blame Gina without any hesitation at all.
By the time Aileen arrived in her room to put her to bed, she had hatched a plan. She would make her daughter suffer for her selfishness.
13
The morning was sharp and it felt like Christmas for the very first time. The front steps of St Angelus were covered in a silvery frost that sparkled underfoot as Emily made her way into the school of nursing. She was desperate to pop into ward three and see how baby Louis was doing – she’d not heard any news of him in the twenty-four hours since she’d left him – but first she needed to see Biddy.
‘Morning, Biddy, did Sister Ryan leave any paperwork for me?’ she asked.
‘Morning to you, Sister Haycock. You’re in early. Yes, she did. There’s a little pile waiting for you over there on your desk. Did you have a nice day off? Sounds like you needed it, from what I heard, after your night with that poor wee baby. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what a sad case. And I understand Father Brennan didn’t turn up?’
‘No, he didn’t,’ said Emily. ‘And I have to say – although you know we aren’t supposed to talk about it, so hush – it was no bad thing he didn’t come. I kept baby Louis in my
arms all night and I know it sounds daft, especially coming from me who teaches that everything has to be done by the book, but I think it made a difference. Oh, Biddy, he’s adorable. Six months old, the notes say, but so small and fragile and helpless.’
Biddy had returned to pushing the Ewbank carpet sweeper over the rug in front of the fire, but now she stopped abruptly. It was as though someone had trickled icy water down her back. ‘Well, don’t go getting all attached – he’s not your worry. Sister Paige is in charge of ward three now, your work is done there. You won’t be needing to go back. We’ll be seeing you at one for lunch as usual, will we?’
The way Biddy had dismissed her and her news about baby Louis made Emily feel uncomfortable and upset. She had wanted to tell Biddy much more about her night. About how little Louis had smiled up at her and snuggled his head almost under her arm until she had to lift him on to her shoulder. She frowned. She wanted to answer Biddy back, to find something to say to set her straight and let her know that of course she would be seeing baby Louis again. She had to, didn’t she? Sister Paige needed help. But even as she thought that, she knew it wasn’t true. Instead, she replied, ‘I suppose you’re right. There’s no one better than Sister Paige.’
No sooner had the words come out than she was overcome with jealousy. She was shocked – she’d never felt like that towards anyone she worked with. She had voluntarily and happily chosen a non-clinical route as the director of nursing; it was what she had always wanted to do and she enjoyed it. But now, as she watched Biddy straighten the rug the Ewbank had ruffled up, for the first time she missed her uniform and ward work. How she longed to be ward sister on children’s. Aileen Paige would spend her entire day with Louis. What pride she must feel at the end of each shift, Emily thought. How lucky she is to be able to count her achievements every day.
Biddy stood upright and smiled at Emily. She felt her pain. Poor Sister Haycock, childless as well as motherless. ‘I’ll have a nice hot lunch ready for you,’ she said kindly. ‘You get off and see to your paperwork now. But don’t slip, it’s as icy as hell out there.’
‘Oh, drat,’ said Emily, startled, almost irritated.
‘What now?’ said Biddy from halfway inside the tall broom cupboard, into which she was shoving the Ewbank with a clatter.
‘I was, er, going to pop over to the porter’s lodge to have a few minutes with Dessie before settling down to work, but I’ve left something in my rooms. Oh, gosh, I totally forgot. I have to fly – see you at one.’
Before Biddy could answer, she was away down the corridor. Biddy was left standing with her hands on her hips, staring after her as the door banged shut.
‘Having a few minutes with Dessie, is she, the lucky madam,’ said Madge, who had appeared from behind the coat stand around the corner. ‘I thought she might have smelt me ciggie smoke and known I was here. I almost burnt a hole in my skirt trying to keep it away from your coat.’
Both women began to giggle. ‘Holy Mary and Joseph! I shoved mine in the ashtray quick,’ said Biddy. ‘She would never have known.’
‘I don’t know why I had to hide in the first place,’ said Madge, sounding mildly offended.
‘Because we keep secrets, Madge, don’t we, and we don’t ever want any lines drawn straight back to you. One day someone will cotton on to the fact that half of our information comes from you working the switchboard, and when that happens, you might lose your job and we will lose all our power. Even someone as madly smitten as that one…’ Biddy jabbed the cigarette now wedged between her fingers towards the door. ‘… would be suspicious about me and you gabbing in her room this early in the morning. This is her office and sitting room, not the kitchen.’
‘Well, she would have a right to be suspicious, I suppose,’ said Madge. ‘Listen, you finish the cleaning and I’ll see you in the greasy spoon at ten. I’ve got a bit of news meself this morning.’ She winked as she made for the door.
‘I’ll see you there,’ said Biddy. ‘I’ll have to collect soft girl Elsie on the way. She’s becoming so puddled, she forgets when it’s break time.’
‘Forgets?’ said Madge. ‘She does not. She sits in Matron’s kitchen all day long. Our Elsie’s problem is that she can’t be bothered walking all the way over there.’
Biddy laughed. ‘You’re probably right, but don’t knock it because after you she’s our second most valuable source of information. Remember, it was Elsie who told us about Sister Paige’s promotion and how she beat Sister Antrobus to the job on children’s.’
‘Well, I don’t call that useful, nowhere near as good as the information I find out,’ said Madge.
Biddy shuffled towards Emily’s desk with a duster in her hand. ‘What I say, Madge, is everything counts and you never know what little bit of information we pick up might come in useful. Now, off away with you or I’ll be late myself for the coffee.’
*
Aileen’s mother was sitting waiting in her chair as usual when Aileen came in with the tray, but today she was smiling. She seemed grateful for her breakfast, which was out of the ordinary to say the least, and there was something markedly different about her manner – the way she set her jaw, the way she watched Aileen walk across the room. It made Aileen uncomfortable; it was as if her mother was harbouring a secret she had chosen not to share.
‘Are you feeling well, Mother?’ Aileen asked as she unscrewed the top on the brown glass bottle to begin dispensing her assortment of morning pills. ‘Here is your water tablet and your vitamin K. We mustn’t forget those.’
‘No, dear,’ said her mother, ‘I never do. You, however, did forget to leave the bottle for me yesterday morning.’
Aileen’s head shot up. ‘Did I?’ she asked, startled.
‘Yes, you did. Have you got something on your mind? Something that’s distracting you? I had to ask the girl to fetch me the bottle from the cabinet and despite my telling her which one it was, she brought the wrong one three times. Stupid girl.’
Aileen blushed. ‘Her name is Gina, Mother, and you know that.’
She had never been able to lie to her mother, but now she would have to, no matter how awful it made her feel. If she didn’t, there’d be no more spending time with Freddie. She had to resist giving in to her guilt and letting her mother abuse the power she had over her. If she didn’t resist, there would be no Freddie and no choir. All that would be gone. Over.
She took a deep breath as she handed over the pills. ‘Nothing is distracting me, Mother.’
It was a lie. She hadn’t been able to get Freddie out of her mind. She had relived yesterday evening over and over, and every time she did so, a thrill shot through her very core. She would close her eyes, replay the kiss and feel herself becoming light-headed with the memory and the knowledge that it would happen again if she wanted it to.
She felt her mother’s eyes scrutinizing her every move. ‘Shall I butter your toast for you?’
‘Yes, please, dear, because as you know, I cannot do it myself. It isn’t soft, is it? You know I cannot abide soft toast. I may as well eat bread and be done with it.’
‘No, Mother, it isn’t soft. When did I ever bring you soft toast?’
‘You may not do, but that useless girl, Gina, she does. She slopped the tea yesterday and the toast was wet on the corner and she didn’t even offer to fetch me a fresh piece. What would have been the point anyway? The tea would have been cold by the time she got back. Is there really no one better? I tell you she will have to go.’
Aileen was holding out the plate with the buttered toast for her mother to take. Regardless of her guilt, if it hadn’t been for Gina, Aileen would never have been able to join the choir, would never have been able to see Freddie, would never have been kissed. A surge of determination coursed through her veins.
‘Well, she can’t go, Mother, because there’s no one else. We’ve been through everyone else hereabouts and you apparently cannot abide anyone. You have developed something of a reputation locally, i
t seems, and I was quite unable to get anyone to work here before I found Gina. If Gina leaves, I shall have to give up being a ward sister.’
Her mother reached out her good hand, but instead of taking her toast from Aileen straight away, she sat still for a moment, waiting until Aileen had finished speaking and she had her full attention. Aileen’s unusually forthright manner did not perturb her, in fact she was amused by it.
‘Well, do you know, I think that’s not a bad idea.’
Aileen looked up from stirring the sugar into her own teacup. The colour drained from her face and was replaced by two bright red spots on her cheeks.
Mrs Paige’s tone became cajoling, a note that Aileen knew only too well from when her father was alive. Her mother had always got her own way with him and now she used the same tactics on Aileen. ‘It is so unfair, you having to leave here early every morning, and you work such long hours. All that responsibility cannot be good for you or the patients.’
Aileen felt a deep resentment bordering on anger that she had never experienced before. She took a breath, scrabbled for words that would not sound aggressive and then swallowed before she spoke. She returned her mother’s fixed gaze and noted that somewhere behind her eyes lay something deep. Her mother had a plan and Aileen was suddenly aware that she was not the one in charge. Her mother was plotting something, manipulating her, just as she had her father.
‘The patients? What do you mean, the patients?’ She had tried to sound normal and had begun to butter her toast, but her hand was shaking so she abandoned the task. The butter knife was suspended mid air, between the plate and the toast, as Aileen stared back at her mother, waiting for a reply.
‘Well, you know, you are still very young. It cannot go unnoticed by those in authority that you are far too inexperienced to carry all that responsibility on your shoulders. I mean, surely I am not the first person to wonder what Matron was thinking of when she promoted you to such an important position?’
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