by Claire Adams
Now, it was just as big of a mistake. I had a daughter. His daughter. A daughter he had never known about. And even if I hadn’t thought that he would want to know her, I should have told him about her. Now, it seemed almost as though he did want kids, and it was all I wanted to let him into our lives. But it was too late.
I had to fix things. I had to quit seeing him.
“What can I do to help?” Maisie asked softly.
I shook my head and pushed myself to my feet, holding out the box from the restaurant. “Help me eat this slice of cake,” I told her. I really wasn’t hungry, but maybe the chocolate and the sugar would help, especially when paired with a glass of wine.
“Now that I can do,” Maisie said, grinning at me. But I could still see the concern in her eyes. “Have you ever thought that maybe he might not be mad at you?” she asked. “Or that he might get mad at you but then get over it?”
“Honestly, I don’t really want to talk about it right now, either way,” I sighed. “Please.”
“Okay,” Maisie said, holding up both her hands. “So Ava did the most adorable thing tonight.” I smiled and let her words soothe me. I still had Ava, and everything was right in my world.
Almost everything, a traitorous part of my brain reminded me. I pushed those thoughts away. I’d need to talk to Ace soon. Tomorrow, maybe. Tell him that I couldn’t do this anymore. I’d rather lose him because I pushed him away than lose him because he never wanted to speak to me again.
I slept restlessly, caught in dreams about Ace, dreams about Ava, nebulous dreams about an unhappy future. I woke up feeling terrible, not sure what had woken me up. Then I realized Ava was there, at the side of my bed.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I said, rolling onto my side and propping myself up on my elbow. “Good morning.” I could always fake a smile for Ava if I had to. I wasn’t going to let her know there was anything bad in the world.
“I feel yucky,” Ava said, making a face.
“Uh oh,” I said, reaching out and touching the back of my hand to her forehead. I frowned. “Oh sweetie, you’re burning up,” I said. “You want to get in bed with Mama?”
Ava nodded miserably and crawled in next to me, worming her body up against mine. I lightly stroked her hair for a moment.
“I need to get the thermometer,” I told her gently. “Is that okay?” I didn’t want to leave her, but I knew that as soon as I called the pediatrician, he was going to ask what her temperature was. Ava wasn’t sick very often, but she’d been sick a couple of times, and I knew the routine.
Ava nodded and relaxed her grip on my shirt. I slid out of my bed, tucking the blankets around her, and went quickly to the bathroom. “All right, sit up,” I said when I got back. “Let’s get this thing down under your tongue. That’s perfect.”
I waited anxiously for the numbers to pop up. Only a few degrees higher than normal, but even that could be dangerous if it was prolonged. I called the pediatrician and quickly described what I knew.
“Poor Ava,” Dr. Fleischner said when I told him. “It doesn’t sound like anything too serious yet, and I’m afraid I’m out of the office for the morning. If you’d like, you can bring her by this afternoon, around three? Until then, make sure she’s getting plenty of liquids, water and juice, or ice pops if you have any. Ginger ale is a good choice, too. A nice bath is another great idea, and if her fever gets any worse, try some ibuprofen or Tylenol. If it’s really bad, you know when to take her to the hospital. But I doubt it’ll get there. There’s a bug going around at the moment; it seems like everyone’s getting it. So I’m sure she’ll feel better in a day or two.”
“Thanks, Dr. Fleischner,” I sighed. “I will still bring her in this afternoon, if that’s okay.” I didn’t want to be one of those parents who brought their kid in every time they got sick, but today, I just needed to know that Ava was going to be all right.
“I’ll see you this afternoon,” the pediatrician promised. “Call me back if anything changes.”
“Thanks,” I said again. I crawled back into bed with Ava, holding her close to me, trying to calm my mind. At least I wasn’t worrying so much about Ace now, I thought. Ava had always been my number one concern, ever since I found out I was pregnant with her.
And if that meant that Ace and I could never be together, then so be it.
24
Ace
I started out Friday feeling good. Better than I had since coming back home. Oh, there were still those nagging details in the back of my mind. Could I really handle a relationship? What about Ava? And where was Ava’s father in all of this?
But things between Harper and I had gone so well the previous night that I just felt like things were on track to work out, somehow and some way.
I whistled as I walked to work that morning.
The day only got better when George called me into his office later that afternoon. “Sit down, sit down,” he said, gesturing toward the chair across from his. He looked excited. Giddy, almost. I could tell he had big news.
“I’ve been talking to my bank. About using some of my retirement funds as the startup for the new training school,” he said slowly. “I know you already know that, I don’t know why I’m telling you again.” He rubbed his hands together. “Except that the exciting thing is, they’ve agreed!”
“Oh wow,” I said. “So what’s the next step?”
“Well, it gets even better than that. The real estate agent found a place for us that she said would be perfect. I went over there to check it out yesterday afternoon, after work, and I agreed. We’ll rent at the moment—the lease is fair—and if all goes well, we can buy the place within a couple years!”
I blinked at him, my mind moving sluggishly. I guess even though I was committed to this, I just hadn’t expected things to move so quickly. “Wow,” I said.
“You are still interested in partnering with me, aren’t you?” George asked, but I could tell from the teasing tone of voice that he wasn’t really worried. “I could really use someone with your skills over there, you know.”
“I’m definitely still interested,” I said. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.” I shook my head. “George, that’s amazing.”
George grinned at me. “So I’ve taken the liberty of having a lawyer draw up some paperwork for us. We can still make changes and everything else. But if you’re okay with it, I’ll go ahead and schedule a meeting so that we can all sit down together. Just formalities.”
“Right, sure, of course,” I said, nodding at him.
“You know, if we’re going to be partners, you’re free to hire people as well. It’s not going to be just the two of us working there. I’m trying to add some other trainers, and we’re also going to need a secretary and some other people. Any chance you know anyone?”
“I’ll have to think about it and get back to you,” I said, shaking my head. I grinned ruefully. “Sorry, I just didn’t realize it was all going to work out so easily.”
“I didn’t either,” George confessed. “But I’m glad that they have. So I’ll get in contact with the lawyer and set something up. And I’ll let you know.”
“Perfect,” I said, standing up. “George, thanks again for everything. I mean it.”
George waved away my thanks. “You just keep training dogs the way you have been around here,” he said.
“Will do,” I promised.
When I walked out of George’s office, I checked my phone. It was almost reflexive at this point. Had I somehow missed the buzz? I’d texted Harper a couple of times that day already, and she hadn’t responded. And still, nothing.
I frowned, wondering if I was somehow missing something. I’d thought that we’d left things on a positive note. I’d thought that we were both happy with the way the previous night had gone. If there was something wrong, she’d tell me. Wouldn’t she?
Now, I wasn’t so sure. I played back over the details from the previous night, trying to find any sign that she and I weren’t on t
he same page.
I’d asked her if I could see her again. She’d said that she would call me.
I realized with a sinking heart that there was my clue. If she’d really wanted to see me again, wouldn’t she have just said yes? Or was I reading too much into it?
I could feel myself start to get angry. Or rather, frustrated. If there was something wrong, if I was moving too fast, why didn’t she just say something? Was this why she had left without saying goodbye in Kuwait, too? Maybe it had had nothing to do with her editor or the paper; maybe I’d done something wrong, and she’d decided that leaving would fix it.
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. She hadn’t been too excited to see me there in Boston, that was for sure. I must have done something wrong, four years ago. And now, I must have done something wrong again.
I wanted to hang on to the anger, but instead, I could feel myself feeling just sad. It was such a silly thing, but I just wanted to call her and tell her the good news. Tell her that George had found a place and that pretty soon I was going to be a partner in a dog training facility. And not just any facility either. George had already set up some contacts within the police department and the military. We were going to be working with some very important clients.
I just wanted to share all of that with Harper. But she still wasn’t responding.
After work, I debated whether or not to call her. If she was already freaking out that things were going too fast, I should probably leave her alone. Give her a few days to calm down. Then I could call her again. But on the other hand, I deserved to know if she was freaking out. She should just tell me.
Or this might have nothing to do with me. Maybe her phone was broken, or maybe she was just busy with something for work. I should at least call her, to make sure that she was okay. And that everything was fine between us. If things weren’t fine between us, the sooner I knew, the better. At least then maybe I could stop dwelling on her.
I nodded to myself, decided. For several long, tense seconds, I listened to the dial tone. She must have my number saved in her phone by now. What if she saw that I was calling and refused to pick up? What would I do then?
Get rollicking drunk with Stone and forget about her, I told myself, even though I knew I didn’t have the heart to do that. Not again. It had been difficult enough to forget about her the first time.
I should have just let bygones be bygones, or whatever that saying was. When I lost her, back in Kuwait, I should have just let her be. I shouldn’t have come here to Boston, and I definitely shouldn’t have asked for her number that first time that I’d seen her. I should have accepted that she was just a part of my past and that she and I had no future together.
For the first time, I started to wonder if maybe I wasn’t as put together as I’d pretended since I was back in the States. Maybe there was something that I needed from these social groups, these reintegration trainings, life with Stone. All I could think was that maybe I was pinning too many of my hopes on having a future with Harper.
But was that so wrong? I just wanted to show her that I wanted her, that I was serious about this. That I wasn’t just going to disappear for another four years, that I wasn’t going to be… Well, that I wasn’t going to be Ava’s dad, wherever that deadbeat had gone off to.
I felt guilty just thinking it. For all I knew, Harper was the one who had broken it off with him. Or maybe he’d been in some sort of accident or had some sort of medical reason he couldn’t be around for Ava. It was a terrible thing to think, but there it was. I wanted to be better than that. I wanted to give Harper what she deserved.
Finally, she picked up. “Hey, Ace,” she said, sounding both tired and distracted.
“Hey,” I said, frowning. It must just be work stuff. “Busy day?”
“Yeah,” Harper sighed. “Ava’s sick, and the poor girl is just miserable. I gave her some Tylenol earlier, and that seemed to help bring down the fever, but it went right back up. And I took her to the doctor, but he said there’s some bug going around and there’s not much I can do except what I’ve been doing already.”
“Aww, poor Ava,” I said. “I hope she feels better soon.”
“I hope so, too,” Harper said. “Anyway, I need to go bring her another glass of water because she spilled the last one.”
“Right, right, I’ll let you go,” I said quickly. “Talk soon.”
“Talk soon,” Harper agreed wearily.
I hung up the phone, staring down at it for a moment. Harper hadn’t asked for help, but I could tell that she was exhausted. Would she be mad if I just showed up there with an offer to help? Would that make her feel like our relationship had gotten too serious too fast?
I shook my head. Even if it did feel that way, I wanted to help her. She sounded exhausted, and if she’d been dealing with medicine and doctor visits, I doubted she’d been able to get any work done that day, let alone cook either of them a solid meal.
Ava was really the only reason I had any doubts. What would Harper think about me showing up there and trying to help out with her daughter? She’d done such an amazing job raising the kid on her own, and I imagined that if she wanted help, she would have asked Maisie. Or her mother. But it hadn’t sounded like she had.
Anyway, Harper was my girlfriend. If she had been the one who was sick, rather than Ava, I wouldn’t even have debated; I would have been there already. Thinking of it that way made my decision a lot easier.
I pushed my keys in the ignition and headed for her place, making two quick detours along the way.
About an hour later, I knocked on Harper’s door. She looked shocked when she answered it. “What are you doing here?” she asked.
I held up the bags. “I brought some soup and stuff from my favorite deli. And some juice and things from the grocery store.”
Harper blinked like she didn’t know what to say. Then, she took a step back to let me in. “I really appreciate this,” she said as I toed off my shoes in the hallway.
“No problem,” I said, leaning over to kiss her cheek. “How’s Ava doing?”
“Still sick,” Harper sighed. “She was napping last I checked.” She frowned. “I was finally getting some work done, but if you’re here, I can stop for now, I guess.”
“No, don’t do that,” I said, shaking my head. “You get back to work. I’ll dish out some soup.”
“Thanks,” Harper said, sounding grateful. Already, I could see the tension leaving her shoulders.
I headed into the kitchen and rooted around in the cupboards until I found the bowls. I split the soup into three bowls and then plated the grilled cheese sandwiches as well. Then, I went in to check on Ava.
The girl was curled up in her bed, a frown on her face even while she had her eyes closed. I could tell she wasn’t sleeping, just resting, and I sat carefully on the edge of the bed, lightly smoothing her hair back. Her eyes flickered open. “Mr. Ace?” she asked, sounding confused.
“Hey, Ava,” I said quietly. “How are you feeling?”
“Yucky,” Ava said, pouting adorably.
“Your mama told me that, so I brought over some tomato soup. Do you think you could come eat some?”
Ava nodded, holding her arms out to me. A moment of panic flashed through me. Would Harper be mad? Talking to her daughter was one thing but carrying her was another thing entirely. There was no going back now, though.
I reached out and lifted Ava into my arms, carrying her out of the room. Harper looked up from her position on the couch. She had her laptop in her lap, her fingers flying furiously over the keys. But she paused when she saw Ava and me. For a moment, her face flitted through a complicated set of emotions. Then she looked back at her screen. “I’ll be right in,” she said.
“Okay,” I said simply. I carried Ava into the kitchen and got her seated in her booster seat. Then, I put a bowl of soup in front of her, making sure it wasn’t too hot. “Crackers?” I asked her.
“Yes please,” Ava sai
d, nodding her little head.
I smiled and pulled out the crackers that I’d bought at the grocery store. “There you go,” I said, setting a small stack in front of her.
She giggled. “They’re supposed to go in the soup,” she said. “That’s what Mama always does.”
“That’s what Mama always does, is it?” I echoed. I grabbed one of the crackers and started crushing it up. “Like this?”
“Uh-huh,” Ava said, watching as I crumbled a couple more crackers into her soup. “That’s good,” she said.
“Good,” I said, sitting down at the table and picking up a spoon of my own, just as Harper came into the kitchen and sat across from me.
“Got my article submitted, so that’s a plus,” she sighed. She looked over at Ava. “How are you feeling, honey?”
“Okay,” Ava said, smiling at Harper. “Mr. Ace put the crackers in my soup, just like you do!”
“Good,” Harper said, giving me a small smile.
The whole scene felt almost surreal. Domestic. And the strange thing was, I felt as though I belonged there, in that scene.
Actually, the strangest thing was that I didn’t feel any of the panic that I might have expected. I didn’t have the sudden terror that I was going to turn into my father, that I would fly off into a rage and do things that I would regret later on. Everything was peaceful.
I filed that away for my next therapy appointment. Maybe we were making progress, or maybe I’d been worrying unnecessarily. I had to figure out what all of it meant, though.
But for now, I was just glad to be here, with the two of them, sipping on soup.
25
Harper
I still couldn’t believe that Ace had shown up at my front door. I kept thinking back through what I had said over the phone. Had I sounded that desperate for help? I wanted to think that I could handle all of this. I had been doing it for years now. But I had spent the day worrying about Ava and worrying about how I was going to get my work finished for the day. And feeling miserable with each new text from Ace.