by Claire Adams
“Yeah, that makes sense.” I paused. “But I was thinking that maybe I could get a dog. Take it with me to work as needed, but you guys could take care of it for a couple days a week as well. Or something like that.”
“So now we’re figuring out joint custody of a hypothetical dog as well as our daughter?” Harper asked archly.
I laughed. “I have to admit, that’s basically what we’re doing,” I agreed. “When you put it that way, it sounds really stupid. Forget about it. We’ll see where things stand in a few months.”
She paused. “I do think we should tell her the truth.”
“That she can’t have a dog of her own because her mom thinks it would be too much responsibility?” I teased.
“No, I meant about us,” Harper said, her eyes serious. “Or rather, about who you really are. I think we should tell Ava that you’re her dad.”
“Okay,” I agreed immediately. I smiled. “I’d actually hoped that would be okay with you, but I didn’t want to press too soon.”
“No, I think we should do that,” Harper said. “It’s about time she knew who her dad was. And she’s smart. I don’t want to confuse her by trying to hide who you really are, and I also don’t want her to guess who you are on her own.”
I smirked since that was how I had realized Ava was my daughter. Judging by Harper’s slightly sheepish grin, I knew she was thinking the same thing.
She pressed on. “I also think we should do a few visits together before you get to be alone with her.”
I felt my whole body go cold. “You don’t trust me with her?” I asked icily.
“It’s not that,” Harper said hurriedly. “Just you’re still new to her, and I don’t want her to be nervous around you. And she’s still new to you. Don’t take this the wrong way—you just don’t really have any practice dealing with kids. I know you probably know your first aid stuff better than anyone else, but I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing before I throw you off the deep end with her.”
I stared at her for a moment. “That makes sense,” I finally said, reluctantly.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t trust you around her?” Harper asked quietly. She shook her head. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ace. I know you’re a good guy. I wouldn’t have ever slept with you if you were anything like what you’ve described your father as. You’re smart, you’re driven, and I think you’re going to be a great role model for Ava. I just want to make sure that both of you are comfortable together.”
“Thanks,” I said quietly.
“So how are things with you anyway?” Harper asked, abruptly shifting gears. “What were you so busy on all week?”
I grinned at her. “You know how George was asking me if I wanted to go into partnership with him, opening that second training facility?” I asked.
“You can’t possibly have started on that already!” Harper said, sounding amazed.
I nodded. “We signed all the paperwork, we’ve leased the building, and I’ve even started putting my things in my new office over there. We’ve got six pups already in there for training, all destined for the police force. And we’re hoping to get a few more next week. George has a couple scouting missions lined up.”
“That’s so exciting for you,” Harper said. “Congratulations!”
“Thanks,” I said. I gave her a serious look. “Things are going really well for me right now,” I told her, trying to impress upon her again that things were different now, that I wasn’t the same guy that I’d been in Kuwait. I wasn’t going to just disappear again; I wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye.
If I could get her to believe it, maybe she would reconsider the romantic part of our relationship. I had to hope so. I already missed her, in some strange way, even though she was sitting right across from me at the picnic table.
We chatted idly for a little while longer. Eventually, Harper looked at her watch. “I’d better go pick up Ava,” she said. “I know Maisie had a couple errands she still wanted to run this afternoon.”
“No problem,” I said, getting to my feet and packing everything away into the picnic bag.
Harper came around the table and gave me a big hug. For a moment, I lingered there, feeling her curves pressed up against me. I wanted to kiss her, to prove to her that we were still good together. To try to remind her what she was giving up, by saying that we could no longer be romantically involved with each other.
But maybe that wasn’t the smartest idea. I forced myself to hold back.
“I’ll come by tomorrow so we can talk to Ava,” I promised.
“Good,” Harper said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
With a backward wave, she strode quickly away, turning the corner and disappearing. I collapsed down on the picnic bench, staring out over the park for a long moment. Things felt better and worse simultaneously.
One thing was for sure; I couldn’t let things end between Harper and me. I needed to keep trying with her. I couldn’t just let her go. But first, before I tried to take things any further, we would tell Ava the truth, that I was her father.
I was a little worried about how that would go. Was she old enough to really understand? Harper seemed to think so. And I supposed she understood what a mom was and what a grandma was. I wondered what she considered Maisie to be. And honorary aunt, maybe?
But would she really understand what it meant to call me “Dad”? Why did it matter so much to me that she did?
I didn’t know when I had crossed over from never wanting to have kids to wanting to know for sure that Ava understood exactly who I was in relation to her. Things had definitely changed since I had come to Boston. I just wished Harper would acknowledge that.
I understood exactly how much responsibility that word carried. How much weight was there. My relationship with my dad had set me off on the whole course of my life, into the armed forces and onto long tours overseas.
When I really thought about it, I would never have met Harper if it weren’t for my dad. I supposed that was one thing to thank the bastard for.
But I could also recognize that I wasn’t like him, in fundamental ways. I chose not to be that person. I had learned to work through my fears and my anger, to take deep breaths and find my balance. At this point, it was automatic to find some sense of rhythm with my feet or with my hands, anything that would help me push those thoughts back away. Anything that would calm me down.
I wasn’t like him. I didn’t need to be so nervous about meeting Ava “formally,” about being introduced to her as her father.
But all the same, I felt anxious. I decided to go for a run.
37
Harper
I was nervous to have Ace come over on Sunday. It was partly that I remembered exactly what had happened the last time he had been at my apartment. We had all had dinner together in the kitchen, a perfect little family. Mom, dad, and daughter. Exactly what we were about to explain to Ava.
But then afterward, even though I’d know it was a bad idea, I had ended up inviting Ace into the shower with me, and we’d had scorching-hot sex. I couldn’t do that again. I knew I had to keep my hands off him, to keep some distance between us. As much as I wanted him, as badly as my body craved his touch, I knew that it was only going to complicate things between the two of us and between Ava and each of us. That wasn’t fair.
Having him there in my apartment, though, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to keep my hands to myself. I knew that I needed to, but I had known that in Kuwait, too. I just wasn’t much good at resisting his charm and good looks.
There was more to it than that, but I was careful in not considering my feelings for him. I had to think of him as just the father of my daughter. That was it. He was a friend, and he was the father of my daughter.
If I thought it enough times, maybe I would actually start to believe it.
Ace rang the doorbell, and I took one last deep breath before I went to answer it. I knew that telling Ava was the right thing
to do. That it was the only fair thing to do. She had gone long enough without knowing who her father was. And Ace had gone long enough not being a part of her life. But I couldn’t even begin to fathom how she might take the news.
When I answered the door with Ava peering around my leg, Ace was standing there with a bouquet in either hand. He bowed down low to give the first bouquet to Ava. Then, he handed the second set of flowers over to me.
I felt my nerves melt away, just like that.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Ava said excitedly. “These are prettier than the last ones.”
“You loved the sunflowers,” I said, my tone mildly scolding.
“Yeah, but Mr. Ace brought me these ones!” Ava said, as though that made it all the better. And maybe it did.
I smiled to myself as I sniffed the delicate bouquet Ace had given me. My heart felt mushy, and I suddenly realized I was totally in love with this man.
Oblivious to my thoughts, Ace scooped Ava up into his arms. “You know, the sunflowers were from me as well,” he confided. “I just had to have one of my friends deliver them. So it would be a surprise.”
“Oh,” Ava said. Her face lit up. “Mr. Ace, you’re the best!”
Ace laughed and carried her into the kitchen. “You want to show me where your mama keeps the vases for the flowers?”
“Up there!” Ava said, pointing excitedly.
I stood in the doorway, watching as she and Ace arranged the flowers. His fingers moved quickly; he clearly knew what he was doing. Another hidden talent. Another thing I wouldn’t have expected from him.
He glanced up, flashing me a quick smile. “Ta-da!” he finally said.
“Ta-da!” Ava echoed, adding jazz hands to the mix. Then, she practically collapsed with giggles.
“Come here, you little giggle-puss,” Ace said, scooping her up and bringing her into the living room. “Your mama and I want to talk to you.”
“Am I in trouble?” Ava asked, her eyes going wide and round.
“No!” Ace said quickly. He glanced over at me and then sat in the armchair, leaving the couch seat next to Ava for me.
I sat down slowly. The whole scene still felt so surreal. It was as though it had just now, suddenly, hit me that Ace was really there, in Boston. Part of our lives.
I suddenly wished that Ace and I were sitting together on the couch. I wanted to reach over and hold his hand. To brace myself while I told our daughter who he really was. But I forced myself to take a deep breath, smile, and tell her myself.
“Honey, you know how Ace has been coming over here to see you a lot?” I asked tentatively.
Ava nodded. “I like Mr. Ace,” she said. “He has doggies.”
She sounded so excited, and I had to smile. “He works with doggies,” I agreed, nodding. “And you know how we talked about families, and we said that I was your mama and my mama was your Grammie? Well, Ace is your daddy.”
I hoped she would make the connections and understand. I knew a lot of the cartoons that she watched, not that she watched a lot of TV, had families made up of a mom and a dad.
Ava frowned. “Is he going to live with us?” she asked.
“No, I’m not going to live with you,” Ace said, shaking his head. He glanced over at me, something unreadable on his face.
“Okay,” Ava said, shrugging her thin shoulders. “I just wanted to the doggies to come live with me.”
“You know, the doggies don’t even live with me,” Ace said. “They have their own special house, and I just drive there every morning.”
“Oh,” Ava said. She slid off the couch and went over to climb up into her dad’s lap. “That’s smart. Because if you had lots and lots and lots of dogs, you would need a big house.”
“I would,” Ace agreed, stifling a smile. “And it would probably get pretty loud sometimes, too.”
“So if you’re my daddy, does that mean you love Mama?” Ava asked, cocking her head to the side.
I felt as if all the air had been pushed out of my lungs. But Ace took it in stride, smiling over at me. “Well, your mama is a very special lady, isn’t she?” he asked.
“Uh-huh,” Ava agreed. And she was off, asking Ace all sorts of questions, mostly questions about the dogs. She wanted to know if he had any big dogs or little dogs, and then she wanted to know if she could see them soon and if they were all working dogs or if some of them were fun dogs, too.
I watched the two of them, feeling almost as though there was a band constricting around my heart. It was too precious, seeing them together like that. Ava seemed to be taking the whole conversation better than I was. And Ace, somehow, still looked totally unruffled. I couldn’t believe this was the man who had thought he should never have kids.
He was an amazing dad already. And this was pretty much his first day on the job. I could never have expected him to fit so seamlessly into Ava’s life. It was as though he filled some missing piece that I hadn’t even been aware was there.
And that terrified me. Before, when I’d been afraid of losing him, I’d been afraid of losing him for me. And I loved him. It would be difficult to lose him. But now, I was afraid that Ava was going to lose him as well. That she was going to lose her dad. I hated the thought of that.
Surely Ace wouldn’t change his mind about this, would he? He wouldn’t just decide that being involved in Ava’s life was too much work and that he wasn’t interested?
But of course, he wouldn’t. If he was that type of guy, I wouldn’t have been with him to begin with. And I definitely wouldn’t have brought him back into our lives.
There was a nagging part of my brain that continued to doubt, though. What did I really know about Ace, even after all this time? I was still learning important things about him. He’d had a terrible childhood—what if he really wasn’t wired to be part of a warm, loving family? What if he decided he’d just had enough of us, packed his bags, and left?
What if he left without saying goodbye again?
But I knew that one wasn’t fair. I couldn’t continue to hold that against him. Especially not when I knew exactly why he’d left without saying goodbye. I believed him when he said that there just hadn’t been time. And I was the one who really disappeared without saying goodbye.
I got up and headed into the kitchen, under the pretense of needing a drink of water. But really, I just had to get out of that room. Had to stop watching the two of them together. I already knew that I was in love with Ace, but each new question from Ava seemed to cement it even further.
I sipped at my water, reaching out to lightly trace the edge of one of the flower petals.
“Are you okay?” Ace asked from the doorway.
I gave him a startled, guilty look. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, tossing my hair back over my shoulder. “Why?” I frowned. “Where’s Ava?”
“She’s drawing a picture of her new flowers,” he said. He grinned. “She seems to like them okay.” He paused. “You look a little pale. Are you sure you’re all right?”
His concern for me was just another kick to the heart. In the best way possible, but still. It was already difficult enough to keep my hands off him, and he wasn’t making things any easier. Charming Ava, worming his way into my heart as well.
I swallowed hard. “I’m fine,” I finally managed. I was still trying desperately to hold on to the idea that he and I didn’t need to be together. That we couldn’t get romantically involved. It was just going to make things harder, more confusing.
But I was starting to really wonder whether it was possible to keep myself away from him. I was starting to doubt my willpower. And we weren’t even through the first supervised visit with Ava.
Speaking of Ava, she chose that moment to race back into the kitchen, triumphantly holding up her picture for her dad. “Look!” she said. “Those are my flowers. And that’s me. And that’s you, and that’s Mama. Do you like it?”
Ace looked at the colorful scribbles as though it was the most precious thing
in the world. As though it was a masterpiece that should be hung up in some art gallery. “It’s beautiful,” he told Ava seriously. He glanced over at me, his eyes finding mine. “Absolutely beautiful.”
I couldn’t tell what he was actually commenting on: the drawing, Ava, or me. But whatever his real meaning was, it warmed my heart.
38
Ace
I had been nervous, coming over to Harper’s apartment to tell Ava that I was her father. Once we said those words, there was no going back. Sure, Ava was still young. If I shirked my responsibilities and disappeared again, I doubted that she would remember.
But I wasn’t going to do that. Ava deserved better, and so did Harper.
I hadn’t been sure how much Ava would really understand what we were telling her. And I still wondered. She seemed to take it all in stride. Like she didn’t understand what the adults were making such a big fuss about.
To be honest, I had the feeling she was more interested in my dogs than in me. And I was okay with that. I was also glad that I had already okayed dog visits with Harper since it seemed like Ava wasn’t going to let me get away without promising her that she would get to see some of the doggies very soon.
She had me wrapped around her finger already. Something about those bright gray eyes and that beautiful smile.
I could tell that Harper had a hard time seeing me there. She looked scared, honestly. I wondered what she thought was going to happen. Was she afraid that Ava was going to somehow like me better? That was crazy. She and Ava shared a bond I could only dream of having. Eventually, maybe Ava and I would be close like the two of them. But they had a three-year head start over me.
I tried to set both of them at ease.
“Let’s go for a walk,” I suggested once Ava had finished drawing her flowers for the hundredth time.