The stench of blood reached my nose again as Meghan moved her hands, lifting them, wanting to hold my face.
“Oh God,” she breathed out, realizing.
“I’m so sorry,” were the only words I could muster, my hands rubbing her shoulders and upper arms, lost for any other word. What was there to say?
What could I possibly say that would ease her pain or lessen her sorrow?
“Can you… can you carry me to the bathroom?” Meghan suddenly asked quietly and I nodded, moving around to get my feet on the ground and her with me.
I was still wearing what I had put on for my latest assassination assignment, but I didn’t care, and she didn’t seem to mind. All I cared about was that her feet were bare and there was no rug in her bathroom. But her gestures told me to let her go.
I couldn’t fully, so I put my hands on her shoulders just in case I wasn’t fast enough to catch her, should she lose her balance. After all… what she had just gone through.
Meghan turned to open the faucet all the way, and the noise drowned my ears, because it had been silent till then.
“The blood is a day old.”
For a moment there I thought I was hallucinating, as her lips had barely moved and her head was tilting down as she was washing her hands. She was avoiding the cameras.
“I already lost it while I was in the coma. Val kept me here to keep me safe.” Her voice was so calm, it was eerie.
It all had seemed so real. That was because it was real. Her sorrow is real. All the time she knew that she already lost the… and she had acted as if it hadn’t happened. I couldn’t believe all of this. And Meg, she continued cleaning herself up and remove the blood from her legs.
What happened to her?
When she was finished, she turned around to look at me and as our eyes met her reaction told me that my beast had snuck up on me again.
“You didn’t let it out, did you.” It wasn’t a question.
“Not entirely, no,” I answered honestly. “I needed to prove to him that I can… control myself.”
It was mostly true. Severin needed to know that I was functioning as I was supposed to do. And the way for me to do that was not letting it out, because when I did it always went on a rampage.
“You woke me up,” she whispered and her words instantly crawled under my skin and nestled around my heart. “I missed you, too.” She made a step towards me, but I stepped back; I was certain that she needed rest, and I couldn’t… I didn’t want to go where this was leading “So much,” she added, grabbing my T-shirt and pulling me towards her.
How would I ever be able to deny her what she wanted? Not when she was looking at me like that.
Meg’s hands slipped around my torso and pressed herself into me and my arms instinctively wrapped themselves around her, pulling her close. It had been so long since I touched her, that we were in the same room. And now, in the small bathroom the air was filled with her scent, and her need for me.
How could I deny her? How could I deny myself the paradise of having her head pressed to my chest, of her arms around me? All I needed was her holding me close, and calming me down, as I listened to her breathing and the tiny sigh that escaped her, as if she just returned home.
“Your screams,” I said quietly pressing my mouth against the top of her head again. “They were terrifying. I never heard you scream like that.”
“Me neither,” she answered, swallowing dryly. “I guess I didn’t realize how much it hurt me, losing something I wasn’t even aware of… twice.”
I know that she was speaking the truth and hearing her say that, proving to me that she wasn’t relieved, but hurting because she had two miscarriages… I couldn’t think. And I don’t know what she might have thought. Although she lost it without even knowing that she was pregnant, her sorrow was real. I could hear it in her voice. Meghan had wanted to keep it. Wasn’t she afraid of what she might have given birth to? Wasn’t she terrified of the idea that she might bring a monster to life? Had she even thought of the consequences?
I know she tried to calm me, ease my tension, but this time nothing she did was helping
“This has to stop,” I spoke through closed teeth.
“I agree.” Meg’s answer was quiet, but instant, and yet I wasn’t sure if we were talking about the same thing. “And that’s what we are going to do. Make him stop.”
I had to look at her, I had to confirm what she just had said. There was something off about her. It had haunted me ever since she woke up and I couldn’t place a finger on it. Her cool, her determination, it was so unlike her. Or hadn’t I noticed it all those days we were together before they took her from me?
But what I saw… I wasn’t prepared for it
I wanted to see her softness, her innocence, her loving care, all those expressions that helped me live with myself, but when I looked into her eyes. The eyes weren’t hers. I hadn’t seen them before because they had been closed.
Her eye color was almost golden, a mixture of hazelnut and dark honey, but that wasn’t what turned my blood into liquid ice. It was the undeniable circle of corroded copper around her pupils.
“Your eyes,” my voice raspy. “What happened to your eyes?”
I asked this question even though I already knew, and yet, despite all I had been through, there was still hope inside of me. A last glint of hope and the darkness around it was laughing. There was only one explanation within this compound, no, everywhere, that made sense, everything else was ridiculous.
“Stay calm,” Meghan’s voice was urgent and that made everything worse.
Yes, a part of me had sensed it. It had been a dark foreshadowing. I knew right from the start that there was a chance I would infect her, that the virus they injected us with wasn’t dying after recoding our cells, but this…
Why do I keep ruining her?
“You can’t lose it now, Jay,” Meghan spoke again, urgently, mistaking the torrent of emotions inside of me as my beast trying to take over, but it didn’t.
The racing heartbeat, the sweat on my forehead, the flexing of my hands, the tensing of my muscles, that – for the first time in a long time – was all me. Not my beast. My beast was surprisingly calm, almost content. I despised it for that.
Meghan wanted to hug me again, but I held her where she was: away from me. I had to process the fact that I had destroyed all hope of saving her. I had cursed her.
Soon Severin’s interest would be completely focused on her. They would do the same tests and worse with her because she hadn’t been injected. Severin would have a brand-new toy to play with, and – who knew – maybe he would rape her to get a born offspring.
My mind was in a tailspin. I would have to protect her. I must find a way to distract Severin from her. I must give him exactly what he needs, what he wants from me, when he is asking for it, no, even before that. And I would move heaven, earth, hell, and everything in between to find a way to reverse it. Every disease had a cure.
Sooner or later.
Suddenly, I could hear Meghan’s pulse jump into a sprint. She was panicking. I could hear it from the sound of her heart – it’s hard to explain. The last thing we needed was for her to shift – if she could do that – and get her change on tape. So, I did the only thing I knew to do, because she had taught me to: I kissed her.
All I had wanted to do was to calm her down, but as soon as I tasted her lips, as soon as my hands had framed her face, I wasn’t in control anymore. At least not my mind.
I could feel her fingers clawing into my shirt again, but I didn’t need an invitation to pull her closer and invite her in. Her hands snaked up my chest, leaving hot trails in their wake, giving me the sensation of feeling her touch a thousand times over. This woman is the end of me. She steals my ability to think, and my fear of losing control. She is the one that truly tamed my beast, not me. I would do anything for her, and I am. She just doesn’t know it yet. And I know that Meghan wouldn’t want it, either. But some things
are set in stone. Just that I am hers however, whenever, wherever she wants me.
When Meghan opened her mouth, inviting me in, there was no hesitation; there never is, when she beckons me.
The scent of her need clouded me. It’s not like a perfume, it’s more like a hint, an instinct giving an idea of odor. But it was the touch of her fingertips on my stomach that made me throw all rational, human thoughts overboard. I’m a slave to her will, I can’t change it. Seeing that glint in her eyes puts me under her spell. Like a taste on the tip of your tongue which you can’t remember.
And then we were saved by a knock on the door. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted her with every fiber of my being and I still do, but I… I just don’t want to take any risks anymore. I don’t want to get her pregnant with an uncontrollable creature that shouldn’t exist.
“It’s Dr. Winters,” Valerie said, her voice slightly trembling, indicating fear or strong worry – in her case, probably both – had she watched us? “I need to check on Meghan now, Lieutenant Flynn.” That she used my real name didn’t escape me. “And you have to report to Dr. Severin for the damages you caused when you came here.”
I couldn’t recall any damage I might have caused, but then again, I had been out of my mind, quite literally.
“Damages?” Meghan asked me; her voice sounded hoarse, thick with arousal.
“Seems like I didn’t notice,” I answered quickly, trying to act as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I was in kind of a hurry.”
“Coming!” Meghan answered Val, her voice suddenly almost cheery, as she brushed down my shirt.
And then she stuck her index finger in my face, promising me, teasingly: “This isn’t over!”
Meghan opened the door and I could watch her putting on her act again, as she placed one hand on Val’s shoulder as if she was in need of support.
A part of me didn’t want it to be over like that and I needed to readjust my pants, but another part of me was worried. I remembered how often I doubted if she was being honest or if she was faking everything and right now I could watch how good she was at playing pretend. No, I’m not doubting her anymore. I know when it comes to me she is real. But this side of her is new, and different, and I can’t help myself, I wonder if the virus is also affecting her personality, or if it’s simply the situation that changed her.
That’s when I realized that I maybe should support her act and I quickly followed her into the hospital room and lifted her up, cradling her in my arms, to carry her back to her bed and place her on it. And her scent washed away all these thoughts of doubt and worry. Having her in my arms and feeling her body against mine, her warmth seeping into my body, just erases everything.
When she lay comfortably on the bed I took her hands in mine, just to keep the contact, which is my Xanax. Her looking at me with this need of different proportion… it makes me helpless.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured her, giving her a soft smile as she squeezed my hands.
“You’re going to make him angry,” Valerie urged me quietly, keeping her distance as if her words would make me jump her and tear her into pieces. “You need to go and play nice again.”
Valerie was right and I knew it. We had talked about this, and maybe it was the last conversation we had that made her keep her distance around me. She had told me that I had to stay nice and obedient, or otherwise she had no chance of keeping Severin away from Meghan. He was visiting her daily, not only when I could see her, but also when I wasn’t. He kept a close eye on her but as of now he wasn’t interested in her data, her vitals, her bloodwork or any scientific information, which was absolutely unusual for this man.
Learning this drove me mad, because if Doctor Clay Severin wasn’t interested her scientifically… why did he visit her every day? Why did he inquire if she was okay?
…is it his child? What if she wasn’t pregnant when they put her in a coma? What if she got pregnant during her coma? What if he tried… no, it doesn’t make any sense. He brought her here so that I would have my way with her, exhaust the beast and become human, and – in the best-case scenario – impregnate her with a beast child.
“He will understand,” Meghan told Valerie, taking us both off guard.
Something in the movement of her eyes told me that she believed that he was there right with us, on the other side of that mirrored window, watching us. But it was her sincerity that took me off guard like rain on a sunny day.
“He just has to.” Her words were merely a whisper.
“He can tell me that I have to leave you right now,” I straightened up and looked at the window, challenging him to order me away, while trying to appeal to his ego. “Do you want me to leave her side and report to you, Sir?”
Meghan let out a small groan and I got worried. She seemed to be in pain, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Had she lied about the miscarriage, so that I wouldn’t lose control?
Although there was no reaction to my words from the other side of that window, I could hear another heart beat right there, the shuffling of feet, a movement and a door being opened and closed.
For a moment there I was wondering if Severin had been watching us, or if it was someone else. Peter maybe?
Fact was that I stayed and so did Valerie Winters. I watched her taking Meghan’s vitals, while informing her what would happen the next days. She would be under a 24-7 surveillance to make sure that there was no additional bleeding and that she would heal well.
Being around her is all I want to do the whole damn day, her small hands in mine, her looking at me as if I am the one that can make it all go away and make it all right. There is nothing else I want to do, then be around her and be that man she sees in me, even though I know I am not that person.
Every dream must end, everyone must wake up in the end and face the grim, cold reality on their own. Although White, or whoever that was behind the window, had left and let us be, I knew, eventually, I had to leave and face whatever chaos I created.
I gave her a tender kiss on her forehead and told her what she wanted to hear even though I didn’t know if I could keep that promise: “See you soon.”
Leaving her behind, this small woman in this large bed and this large clinical room, it was like leaving my heart and soul behind. It was a physical pain.
I know that it’s wrong making her that, my salvation. I know that she’s just a normal girl in an impossible situation and I shouldn’t make her so vital to me, as if she is the one that could make everything right. She can’t, because it’s an impossible task. Not because she will never live up to that, quite the contrary… it’s just not fair to her, putting all that weight on her. And maybe, maybe that’s just me trying to escape my responsibility. I get that. I know that. I said it once before. It all has to end with me. I just don’t know… I don’t know if I can end her.
When I got out of her room I faced no one, but I knew that eventually someone would show up and talk to me about the apparent damage I supposedly created. I had no memory of that of course, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen. But me, I didn’t have the patience to try and recollect all the steps from learning about Meg to finally entering her room. And for me it wasn’t important, because, honestly, they should have seen me beasting out coming. It’s not like they tried to avoid it. They didn’t care, so, why should I? My girlfriend – my mate – losing her unborn child – our unborn child – was information every man would lose himself about.
So, for the first time in a long time, I felt defiant.
The last person I expected to see in the room that I usually headed to make my reports was Peter. Yes, of all people, Peter Severin waited for me to explain why I had demolished compound property. I was speechless.
“Sit down,” Peter told me gesturing to the chair left in the clinical room, and after a moment of hesitation, I followed his order, because… what else was there to do?
“Tell me what happened.” Peter inquired, after he took his time to monitor my movemen
t that ended up in me sitting down.
“You know better than I do,” I answered, narrowing my eyes at him even though I knew I shouldn’t.
“You lost it,” he stated, reprehensively.
There was something to his tone that sounded like jealously rather than reproach, and although he seemed to try and hide it, I had noticed. And I couldn’t help but wonder, why? Although there was an easy explanation at hand – after all I knew by his family name that he was related to our captor Severin – I couldn’t help but try to find an answer in his expression, which was quite reserved.
“Apparently,” I gave back after waiting for him to give in before I did, but he didn’t.
Instead, he looked at me as if I had taken something from him, and I agreed with him on that, I just wasn’t sure what exactly it was. His brother’s approval, his chance at a normal life, or – worse – Meghan. I looked back at him, at his pair of eyes that were missing the ring of corroded copper around his pupils, identifying him as human and not a beast. The only reason he was sitting opposite of me and not in my seat. At least, that’s what I believe.
I’m not stupid, I know he has an eye on Meghan, just as he had on Valerie, when she was his brother’s closest confidant. He loves to want what he cannot have, or worse: is someone else’s. Something like his half-brother’s approval for example. Or rather: his attention. Clay Severin gives everything attention that is not his half-brother. And Peter knows that I know and that makes him furious, usually. The sad thing about it all? It doesn’t make him lose it, because Peter cannot lose it. He has beast abilities, yes, but he doesn’t shift. Apparently, because he never finished the treatment. Why that is, I don’t know. Maybe his access to the virus was revoked, maybe there wasn’t enough left for him to pull through, maybe there is something in his genes, something that prevents the virus from recoding him completely.
The BeAst Of Me (The Beast And Me Book 5) Page 2