“That’s understandable,” Peter agreed, his expression neutral, and of course that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
Then again, I didn’t know what I wanted to hear.
“You should stop blaming yourself, Jay,” he suddenly continued, shaking his head a little, as if he didn’t like that I had made him say that.
Maybe it was wrong because they were still recording us, video, and audio. However, what he said surprised me.
“It’s not your fault, so, don’t blame yourself,” Peter insisted. “Just because you were asked if you wanted to live while dying, doesn’t mean that you doomed everyone else. You weren’t even the first one they asked. So, you can’t take the blame, if you think you inspired them to follow you.”
All the time I had believed that they had asked me and no one else, or they asked me and told everyone else that I already had agreed, just to learn that none of it was true. It didn’t change my feeling of guilt, at least not much.
“Whom did they ask?” I inquired.
“The very one that made you sad today,” his answer was instant. “26 was the first. I think they forgot to tell him that his decision would lead to him never seeing his family ever again. And that was probably what inspired him to say ‘yes’ in the first place.”
“We all expected to go home,” I told him angrily. “We all thought it was just an experimental treatment to save our lives. You remember what we have been told about it.”
“Yes,” Peter nodded and held my stare. “I know very well, because I was there, remember?”
I didn’t feel as if there as a need for me to answer that.
“What about Torres and Wheeler?” I changed the topic instead.
“I don’t have an answer to your request, yet,” again Peter answered instantly. “And it will take some time. So, be patient.”
Again, I didn’t answer.
“I would like to monitor your next session, tomorrow,” Peter suddenly suggested. “Do you think that would be a good idea?”
I’m still trying to figure out why he would want that, or if it was just part of his job. I know that they are recording these sessions, too, but there is no audio. Well, at least that I know of.
“I should prepare them for that, so maybe the day after tomorrow. We’ll talk when I report to you tomorrow,” I answered, and he just nodded and relieved me.
Day 153
I’m going to see Meghan today. Not just to watch her, to really, actually see her without something separating us. Peter told me. At our session. He told me that Valerie was back – I didn’t even know that she was gone – and that things would change – which I still don’t get – but after that, I don’t recall anything that he said. Maybe he didn’t say anything at all. I wasn’t able to think anyhow.
I’m going to see her. I’m finally going to have her close to me again.
I know what I wrote down, and I haven’t changed my mind. I will not go there. All I want to do is hold her. Hold her in my arms, close to me, catch her scent. That’s all.
X X X
Only Meghan can make me throw all caution out of the window the second I touch her. Or maybe already when I saw the expression on her face the second she saw me. She looked at me as if the sun had come out after an eternity of darkness. She is still so tiny and pristine to me, and when she looks at me like that, as if I am her knight in shiny armor, I feel as if I really can be that person.
I want to be that person.
As soon as the door closed behind me, I realized that we were alone, and I couldn’t help myself, and I just had to remove the distance between us and hold her. My hands found her face and before I knew what I was doing I was kissing her and her body melted into mine. Meghan pulled at me as if I wasn’t close enough to her and her body was burning against mine.
We were halfway undressed before I became aware of what was happening. But I couldn’t stop it, even though a part of me was reminding me that there was one thing that could not happen.
I just needed to taste her on my lips, to inhale her intoxicating scent, to have her close to me, to remind her how precious she is to me. She is the only life that matters. The only life that truly matters. I know that now and I realized it then, when I tried to trace every line of hers, tried to etch the memory of her into my mind.
I told myself that there was no harm in touching her skin, no harm in making her moan due to my fingers moving across her bare body, pressing her against me, making her feel how much I wanted her. All I had to do was hold back, and I honestly believed I could do that.
Never was I so wrong.
The longer I held her in my arms, the more I explored her body, the more I needed her, needed more of her and every tiny whimper of hers made it worse, teased my nerves, all my senses, and my body had a will of its own. And it was my body alone as my beast was watching, contently.
Before I knew what I was doing, I had lifted her up and slammed her against the next free wall. I hadn’t noticed that there wasn’t any clothing left on our bodies until she wrapped her legs around my hips, pressing her sweet wetness against my hard-on, sucking my lips through her teeth in an all-consuming kiss. Her hands clawed through my hair, across my neck and shoulders, beckoning me closer. My body answered her call. All I wanted was to fulfill her need and mine, I just had to be inside her, had to feel her around me, aching, clenching, making me whole.
When I entered her, my world became Meghan. There was nothing else there, no sensation, no nothing, just her, in my arms, her groaning drowning my ears, her fingernails digging into my shoulders, her body merged with mine, clenching around me. We were in synch instantly, our heartbeat in one, our breathing opposite, equally impatient, equally in need for each other. All I wanted was to hear her making those noises that drove me insane, and her body to react to whatever I did to her. I wanted, I needed to drive her insane just as she did me, to enter her deeper in a crazy attempt to become one with her. I wanted her to beg me to come inside her and make her mine again.
Nothing is sweeter as when I can hear and feel her losing all control, and giving herself to me completely. It is worth the discipline, to know she is mine completely. Even more when I am myself and not the beast. I don’t know how I did it; I don’t know why I stayed Jay. And it was beyond description. Perfect ecstasy, complete fulfillment, these words aren’t even getting close to what I felt. She completes me, she makes me whole, makes me myself.
Placing Meghan down gently, knowing I made her come repeatedly, I was sure she would be sore because I would be. But I didn’t feel bad about it. Her tiny hands found my face, framing it, and she saw into my eyes with worry. I instantly knew that she had noticed that I hadn’t shifted, not even a bit and I remembered what she had said to me a few days ago, that I should let go.
“I’m fine,” I whispered to her and smiled reassuringly.
Meghan’s reaction took me off guard but it loved it. She pulled my lips tenderly just to continue little kisses all over my face, and I pulled her closer, noticing that I had been wrong. I scratched her. My heart sunk. I hadn’t drawn blood, so my claws hadn’t been involved, but nonetheless I had hurt her.
“I think I scratched you, though,” I admitted, holding my breath, being so disappointed in myself.
Meghan looked at me in confused surprise until I could read it in her expression that she was starting to feel what I had done to her. But then, she grinned at me. Sometimes, and is seems to increase, I really don’t get her. However, I couldn’t withstand the way she looked at me. As if we were some naughty teens who had sneaked away to have sex, leaving behind some damage, only we could explain.
“Sorry about the clothes, though,” I said lowly, feeling a wide, boyish grin on my face; I liked the idea of that.
Meghan looked at me first and then down to my feet, where my pants were still intact.
“I wish I could return the favor,” she gave back, grinning even wider, cocking one brow at me, stating the inevitable. “You wouldn’t be
able to leave.”
That was the reality I didn’t want to hear. I wanted to stay in that dream where she and I were of the same age, at school, with nothing else but our teenage hormones taking the lead on our actions. But I can’t change reality, all I can do is hold her close whenever I get the chance, and so I did. I pulled her into my arms, wrapping them around her tiny body. Meghan rested her head against my chest, and I placed my chin on her head.
I wanted to freeze this moment and etch it into my memories, to bring it back whenever I needed it, and I would always need these memories because they are the only thing that helps me stay who I am.
Meghan inhaled deeply letting out a sigh. I could see that she had closed her eyes in the mirror and I just looked at us. Our reflections told nothing about who or what we were. It only showed a naked couple, holding each other, And I saw the scratches she had left on my body before I felt them. I didn’t care, all I was wondering about how two human beings who are looking so normal and so harmless could be hosting such dangerous and lethal beings inside of them, without the slightest hint.
Soon enough, I lost myself in just staring at Meghan, watching her looking so contently and sound in my arms. I wasn’t wondering what she was thinking or dreaming about because I didn’t care. All I cared about was that I had her in my arms. Because that’s where she should be. That’s how I felt, even though I know it’s wrong.
We should never have lost contact or met by a twist of fate and reconnected. I should be the one returning to her after my assignment abroad…
“I love you,” I heard her whisper almost inaudibly, and Meghan’s eyes flew open as my heart jumped into a gallop.
I barely noticed that she was moving in my arms, but I wasn’t ready to let go of her while her words kept echoing in my ears and my heart.
“I love you, too, Meghan,” I eventually whispered and kissed the top of my head, trying to fight off the feeling that I didn’t deserve to hear these words, especially after what I had thought about her pregnancy.
It was her sobs against my chest that stung so much deeper than my guilt.
“It’s okay,” I murmured, pressing my mouth against my hair, trying to comfort her with rocking her slightly, brushing my thumbs across my skin.
Her single sigh that followed felt like a breeze after a day in the relentless desert sun.
I don’t know how long I held her and rocked her gently, completely ignoring that we both were completely naked. For me it was enough, it was all I needed to forget everything else despite the woman in my arms.
I heard someone outside even before the door was unlocked, and I moved as far as I could to make sure that Meghan’s body was covered and hidden from the eyes of whoever entered the room without giving us the time to make ourselves decent. And although I was slightly angry about the disturbance, I didn’t lose control over my beast. I had known that our time had been limited right from the start. I just wished that I could do something to change that. I am still trying to figure out what I can do, to make them decide that we can live together.
Even though I know that this wouldn’t stop me from not going where I had already gone, again. I’m not sure if I can ever withstand her. When I had recovered my t-shirt, and pulled up my pants, I turned back towards Meghan, and I knew by her expression that something was off, because she held her hands behind her back. I could feel that the scratches on my back were worse than they should have been, but I acted as if they weren’t. I was healing fast, and soon they will be just scratches after all.
The only thing that worried me was that I couldn’t talk to her about it, and tell her that it was okay, which it wasn’t, but she didn’t have to know. Maybe there was a way to reverse it all. Maybe there was still time to stop her change and undo it.
Day 154
I should have said something. Meg was acting differently when I visited her today. Visited in the old way, standing behind the mirrored window, getting to see her without seeing her.
I knew that there was something off yesterday, but I didn’t want to jeopardize her safe spot in Valerie’s hands. But now I can’t talk to her. I must wait instead until I see her again.
Still no news about me being allowed to visit Torres or Wheeler. Maybe I should ask for someone else.
Peter didn’t really say anything regarding anything. He seems off, too. What am I missing?
Day 155
Peter explained to me today that I would be allowed to visit those beasts that weren’t deemed fit to exercise with me. But there weren’t any specifics about who that would be. I can’t imagine that it will be everyone after Peter had been so cryptic about Torres and Wheeler. He just added that he would accompany me and I guess that was a good thing. They might be able to monitor everything we do, but I doubt that they can monitor everything that we say.
The downside about this news was that we would start immediately, and that meant for me I wouldn’t get to see Meghan at all today, which made me suspicious and I had to think about how strangely she acted yesterday, while I could watch her.
Is it another act of hers?
Is she planning something?
I just hate not knowing, but there is nothing I can do about it, can I?
When Peter wanted to take me and start the tour, suddenly his phone rang, much to his own confusion. He just had placed his hand around the door knob and unlocked the door with his wristband, and I noticed that it wasn’t working before he grabbed his phone from his belt.
“Severin,” he answered, which was just odd to me even though I know that they are brothers; it just seems wrong for Peter to answer his phone like that.
Peter had his back turned towards me so that I couldn’t see his face, but I could read his posture, listen to his heartbeat and breathing. Even though he was just talking with ‘uh-huh’ and ‘okay,' I knew that something was happening he hadn’t been aware of and now was surprised by.
“Change of plans,” he said while turning around. “I’ll bring you back to your cell as usual, and pick you up later. Something’s come up that can’t be interfered with.”
These words made me regret that I didn’t’ eavesdrop on the caller instead of monitoring Peter.
As he turned again and moved to unlock the door, it opened as if they had never locked him in alone with me in the first place. What I could have done to him in that brief moment of time could have been catastrophic, being a somewhat beast or not.
Locking me back in my cell, Peter didn’t tell me when he would pick me up again, only that he would.
All of this was very suspicious to me.
I soon learned why.
I didn’t see her, but I sensed her, almost could smell her scent sneaking into my cell. Meghan.
I tried not to flip out and stay calm. Doing my best to ignore the changes that were invading my enhanced senses as they happened, exercising my self-control. But she was there, undeniably. I would locate her in a crowd of millions. They brought her to see me, to watch me.
And, Meghan wasn’t alone. Valerie and White were with her, and that completely confused me. Both, Valerie, and White are people I don’t trust. I know from watching Meghan that she trusts Valerie, but I don’t and I won’t.
Whatever the reason is for them showing my cell, I will know eventually.
It was strange, being on the other side for once, knowing that they were there oblivious to that I noticed them. I’m not even sure if Meghan really noticed. They didn’t stay long enough for me to figure out what they were talking about. I just hope Meghan doesn’t get into harm’s way.
X X X
I don’t know for long I waited until Peter returned to take me to the remaining of my subordinates. He didn’t give me any information about how many there were. I assumed that the treatment wouldn’t save all of us. Now, seeing that I infected Meghan the possibilities are endless. And I don’t want to start to imagine how many there are.
It’s hopeless and sad. Seeing the others being nothing more than anim
als, chained to walls just like I have been. It’s cruel and unbearable. Thinking that they must exist like this until they die if they aren’t saved and curse a normal human being into a fate like Meghan’s… How am I supposed to stand by and let any of this happen?
Does Meghan know about this?
Does anyone else know about this?
Does even whoever funds Severin know about this?
After I visited the third cage I just couldn’t keep my eyes off Peter, trying to read a reaction – any reaction – off his face seeing those poor creatures the virus turned into beasts who couldn’t find their way back to humanity.
There are no words to describe what I saw. How could I even try? And I don’t know what to feel or say about it. I’m devastated. Thinking that I might have inspired them to say ‘yes’ to the treatment, in hopes of staying alive, but in the end, they just survived without even knowing what living might be like. Some of them even look more like strange chimeras of animals rather than human. They are hostile, mad even.
I can’t help but wonder if I was just like them, or what it was that separated me from them, making Severin decide that I was worth a try, that a girl from my past would bring me back. I can’t help but wonder if they brought someone in for them, too and it didn’t work. What if Meghan wasn’t the first?
When Peter brought me to the fourth cage, I knew it was enough. I couldn’t take anymore. And I honestly don’t know what he was thinking showing me those creatures. I can’t imagine that he did because I asked to see Torres and Wheeler.
The last cage… it was the last straw. Maybe because I knew who she was, the only other woman, or because of how she was cowering in the corner of her dark cage. Her name was Sondra Price, she had been a private, but now she was nothing more like a creature that looked as if a feline had been bred with a human. She flinched at every sound that reached her ears but recognized me.
I don’t know what’s worse. Her suffering like that or the recognition on her face when she saw me. She hissed at Peter and yet, looking at me she rose onto her hind legs and slowly, carefully, as if she didn’t trust her own foreign body, stepped towards me, tilting her head to the side as if she wasn’t sure if she really knew who I was.
The BeAst Of Me (The Beast And Me Book 5) Page 4