Probably because I was digging my clawed fingers into my mattress and no one noticed.
I saw pictures, far too fast to really distinguish them and in between, words narrated by a voice directly spoken into my head.
“You are Lieutenant Jay Montgomery Flynn. You serve as commanding officer of a special operations unit and only report to Peter Severin. You have been provided with special abilities of the highest security level. Your first and only love is your second in command Nina Torres. You took care of her when you were only children. She is your one and only mate. You love nothing more than your job, you enjoy your assignments, you are the best at what you do. You are a beast and love it.”
It went on and on and on like that. Telling me things close to the truth, but twisted. They are trying to replace Meghan with Nina; they are trying to make me believe that being a beast is a blessing and no problem at all. They are brainwashing all of us.
I am writing this with hurting eyes and ears after they have left. It must be about eleven pm, maybe a little bit later. They are drugging us with the bottled water and then injecting us with a drug and brainwashing us.
What am I supposed to do?
They won’t allow me to keep this diary. They probably will tell me that I don’t need a diary.
What am I supposed to do?
I can’t allow them to make me forget. I don’t want to forget Meghan. Meghan and my child.
Day 25
The next morning my headache and neck pain was the worst. Probably, so I figured, because I hadn’t drank the spiked water. There had to be a tasteless and odorless drug in that water, why else would Peter have told me to stay away from it?
However, I felt hungover in the worst way possible, but I couldn’t just stay in bed and say that I was sick, they would notice.
For some reason, I was sure that Peter wouldn’t have my back on this one. I could already see him grin widely when he came to talk to me later that day, and I was right. That was the exact look he had when he entered the place after lunch.
I was sitting on my bed, my head in my hands when I heard the same cheering as yesterday, telling me that Peter Severin had arrived. I didn’t look up; I knew that he was heading straight for me because he couldn’t wait to gloat.
Peter Severin had taken over hell, and he relished in being the devil.
“How are you today, Cap?” He asked, using the name only members of my team used, but I was to worn to be mad at him. “Any interesting dreams?”
Of course, I wanted to smash that smug grin off his face which I only heard but didn’t see because my eyes were closed since they were hurting.
“You know what I saw, Peter,” I told him, wearily.
“I found this technology while working for my brother,” he said to me and sat down on my bed next to me. “I showed it to him as a possible tool to make you beast cooperate in a humane manner. He told me that it was a waste of time and money. I wish he could see me now because it works perfectly.”
“I can see that,” I agreed, or rather admitted.
“How much I love to hear that you feel the same,” Peter cheered silently if that was even possible. “I wanted to share this with someone who would understand. It’s hard to make friends when you are in charge. I’m actually sad that you won’t remember in a few days. Maybe I’ll have them adjust your program so that I can still have these chats with you.”
“Please don’t,” I said it before I could stop myself.
“Why, Jay, why? It’s so much fun, and we had talks like these before, have you already forgotten?” Peter chided.
“No, I haven’t,” I admitted and looked at him.
He was radiating like a child who just gotten its greatest wish fulfilled, and he put on hand on his shoulder.
“When the program is complete, you won’t feel any bad feelings, no guilt, no regret, no sorrow,” he told me. “You will be happy and content and if you have to be you will be the perfect, merciless, mindless killer the board wants. Everything will be perfect.
“You will make me forget Meghan,” I accused him.
“Oh, that,” he commented, almost sounding detached.
“Why?” I asked him.
“But Jay, Jay, Jay, you have to understand,” he stated. “You took everything from me, so, of course, I have to take everything from you.” He patted my shoulder. “But when the time comes you will have forgotten about her and the child, you will believe that Meghan’s my wife and your child is my child and you will be happy for me.” He smiled at me. “You have to admit that you have to be grateful that I will keep Meghan and your kid out of all of this. Because of that, you will continue drinking the bottled water, even though you know that it means you will be brainwashed. You will do so because the fate of your one true love, your ‘mate’ and your unborn child will be in my hands.” He spoke unrestrained. “Who knows, it might even be you who will catch her and hand her over to me.”
I froze. I was paralyzed painfully.
“You will drink the water,” Peter ordered icily. “Won’t you? Because if you don’t your girlfriend and your brat will end up being prodded and probed, Jay. It’s up to you. Either you’ll become my mindless slave or Meghan will be passed on from male beast to male beast once I’m bored with her and your offspring, if I’ll allow it to live, will never know a normal life.”
“Yes, Peter,” I stopped his rampage of words. “Yes, I’ll drink it, I’ll do whatever you want.”
Peter laughed out aloud.
“I thought it would be more satisfying,” he admitted. “But it’s not. Knowing that you know what will happen to you, that you will forget. I thought it would be … more,” Peter sighed. “But it isn’t. I’m almost tempted not to have you brainwashed, but I can’t take the risk. The board won’t allow it anyway.”
“Valerie had to die, Peter,” I told him and managed to move my head and look him straight in the eye. “She knew too much about the virus, and she was already selling us out to a competitor of your precious board.”
Peter froze. He didn’t know.
“Yes, that’s right,” I continued. “Meghan found out, and she was furious. She told me right away, and that’s when I knew that she had to die to keep everyone safe. If she hadn’t betrayed us, I would have made sure that she got out of there alive. It’s on her.”
Peter stayed silent for a period that was way too long, but I didn’t want to disturb his train of thought.
“I’ll promise you, I’ll keep her and the child safe,” his voice was devoid all emotion. “Apart from some blood tests, but they will never know what it’s like to kill. I won’t even lay a finger on her unless I’m forced to do so by the board, and if that happens, I will have her brainwashed just like everyone else so that she won’t suffer. Your kid will grow up believing that I am its father. I will keep them safe. That I promise to you. No one knows what she is and I will keep it that way. Unlike all of you, I’m going to keep my promises, Jay.”
I took a deep breath after he finished. What could I possibly answer to that? I just nodded.
“I understand, Peter,” I told him after minutes of worrying my head. “Thank you. I mean it.”
Peter just looked at me for the same amount of time. He didn’t say anything. All he did was place his hand on my shoulder and squeeze it. After that, he got up, got his crutches, and left. I watched him get out of here
X X X
I don’t know how much time I have left. I know that I must go through this to satisfy Peter’s need for revenge and I am willing to do this, to endure this. I know that this is the right punishment for me. I’ve disappointed everyone who counted on me and betrayed everyone who cared about me. So, I’ll take this punishment. I deserve it.
I don’t know if it will be enough for Peter to watch me lose the memories of the person I love most. Because my suffering will end. I will forget about her. Nina Torres will replace Meghan. I can only assume that this is what the board ordered. I can’t imagine that i
t will lessen Peter’s pain knowing that I will believe that I have the person I love around me every day.
Maybe when we really capture Meghan, he will feel as if justice is served, but I don’t know. Would I feel like it?
Peter’s thirst for revenge will never be truly satisfied, because when we capture Meghan, I will not know her, I will not suffer seeing her being handed over to him. And that makes me worry that he might change his mind.
I want to believe that he honestly, truly promised me that he would keep her safe once she is returned into the clutches of the people who made all of this possible, but if there is something reality, fate, or whatever taught me, is that you cannot trust anyone, not even yourself.
I am willing to sacrifice my most beloved and valued possession: my memories of Meghan.
It’s like a frozen knife to my chest, to my heart, to my soul, knowing that I will forget about her, knowing that I will lose myself, lose the person she had made of me. But I’ll accept anything that keeps her safe and even though I hope that Peter will never catch her, I’ll gladly give up my soul to protect her.
Day 26
My eyes are burning, my neck is aching, and my head hurts. I know the reason for all of this now but I push it aside. I have my conversations with Torres, who looks differently at me now for all the wrong reasons and Price. Although the day goes on as usual, my mind is not in it today. I am going to lose my memories, soon.
I am honestly surprised that I still can remember her, but it’s only been five days. I have no idea how long the brainwashing takes. I should have watched the others more carefully but to me, it looked like they all got that strange headset when I faked paralysis. None of them don’t get any treatment, or maybe they are just moved out of our barracks. I don’t know.
The entire day was normal. They are happy, content and seem to enjoy themselves. Watching them is just like those days before deployment. When none of them had witnessed actual deaths
Maybe it’s wrong, but I want them to live with the illusion that war can be something idealistic, something romantic, something that can change the world to a better place.
Maybe forgetting is not such a bad idea.
X X X
Peter came to visit later today, and the entire company cheered again as he entered. He seemed flustered like a war hero who feels like he has done nothing more than his job. He walked over on his crutches and sat down next to me, wanting to know how I felt.
I told him about the pain and the headaches, and he said that it would be over soon. A virus was going around, but we all would be fine
I don’t know why but I believe him
He told us all that we would get a vaccine injection to help us with the headaches and the neck pains and all would be well soon. And I believed him.
Day 27
Another day with headaches and neck pains, but we got our vaccines even before breakfast. Many of the guys and gals are feeling off and sick, but breakfast usually mends this.
The first combat training of today has been great, and everyone’s quite cheerful. I worry that most might have a wrong picture of what we are heading into. But I guess I must worry about everyone becoming jealous of my daily visits by our commander in chief Peter Severin. They should know that the two of us are friends and go way back, but they still are teasing us.
Peter just likes checking in on the company and me, that’s all. I appreciate his concern, but he’s no soldier. He just tells us where to go and what our job is. That’s all.
“How are you feeling today, Cap?” He asked me. “Headaches better? Still got the neck pain?”
“It’s fine,” I told him. “Really. It’s nothing a soldier can’t endure.”
Peter laughed, and I grinned.
And that’s probably the only highlight of the day.
Day 28
Everyone’s cheerful today, apart from some of us who still must get used to these new beds. But the headache’s getting less and less, and so does the neck pain. I guess we finally get used to them.
Everyone did excellent today, and they know it. When Peter came visiting us, he announced a special treat because we were doing so well. And after that, he came on his crutches to sit down and have a talk with me like every day.
No one’s being bothered by our commander in chief having a talk with their commanding officer. It kind of makes sense to them. It’s all right for them that Peter and I are friends. Nothing’s better than that, right?
“It won’t take long, and I’ll send you and your guys on your first mission, do you think they are ready Cap?” he asked me and I just smirked.
“Are you really asking me that, chief?” I answered, and he laughed in return. “I just can’t wait to see you in action. I have a special assignment that I would love to give to you, but first, you have to prove your efficiency to me.”
“Really?” I gave back. “Have you watched my guys today? They did great, what more proof do you need?”
“We can settle this right now, Jay,” he answered, with a slight smile on his lips as if he knew something I didn’t but I was fine with that, after all, he’s the man in charge.
“Whatever you need, chief,” I told him, and he simply nodded.
“I know Jay, you’ve never disappointed me before,” he said, but there was something off in his voice; maybe he was just nervous.
“So, what is it`” I asked him.
“Tell me about Meghan,” he commanded and looked at me straight in the eyes. “Meghan Singer. Files show you know here. Are they wrong?”
Just now as I write this, I feel as if I have the answer on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t remember. It’s like a long-lost memory. I actually see a face in front of me, a woman, a few years younger than me with beautiful eyes that have a ring of corroded copper around her pupils. She looks sad the way I remember her. But I don’t know why. When I concentrate on that face of hers, I have this very specific picture of her in my head. Shock, disbelief, and despair. I close the door on her. Why do I do that?
“Jay?” Peter speaking out my name brought me back to reality. “Do you know this name? Meghan Singer?”
“I feel like it should, but I couldn’t say,” I tell him. “I have this face in my memory, but that’s about it. Maybe a childhood friend that died?” I was fishing now, but my words seemed wrong.
“Something like that, Jay, yes,” Peter confirmed. “You’re doing great, pal,” he patted my upper thigh and slowly got onto his feet.
“Do me a favor and put everything down what you do remember of Meghan Singer in that notebook of yours, and then give it to me by tomorrow.”
“Sure,” I agreed.
“Whatever comes into your mind when you think of her name will be fine,” he added. “Maybe sleep a night over it, okay?”
So, when I wake up tomorrow, I must think about the name Meghan Singer. It can’t be too hard.
I feel as if I know her, or know something about her and I guess that’s what Peter was talking about.
I think he needs her location. It might be something I learned about but can’t remember.
I feel as if I know where she is, just as I know who she is. She feels so important.
Day 29
Megan Singer. I have this name written on the page of today, and I remember talking to Peter regarding her. He wants me to remember anything about this girl of my past. This name is familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it.
I think my mother used to babysit her and put me in charge, but that doesn’t work, because that was Nina. I’m sure of it. I know how she looked like, even though I can’t put it down into written words. Every time I try, she seems to evade me. I think she was someone important, but I don’t know why. It’s so strange.
Thinking of her is like trying to remember the shadow of a dream after you’ve woken up. You are so sure about the details of it but once you want to put it down into words it completely evades you.
And that’s what is happening with the imag
e of this girl named Meghan Singer. I am so sure that I know her, I feel as if she is important but then… I don’t know why.
Her name kept haunting me throughout the entire day. And it distracted me, tremendously.
X X X
I’m sitting here trying to write down anything I can remember regarding Meghan Singer just as Peter requested, but I can’t come up with something or anything for that matter. She’s like a phantom out of the corner of my eyes. I know that I’ve seen her, but I can’t tell you what she looks like.
Maybe it’s just a test, and this person doesn’t exist. But then… then I just had this idea of scrolling backward in my diary. And I… the way I write about her, especially that they made Nina take her place? This is… this is messing with my head.
I can remember her face. I know how Meghan looks like but why can’t I remember anything else?
Why am I okay with them washing my brain and planting new and wrong memories in my mind? How can I be okay with this?
I just. I need to find a way to remember. I need to find a way to preserve the real memories. I can’t have them strip everything from me, can I?
I write about this being the punishment I deserve, but how can stripping memories, altering them be something anyone deserves? This can’t be right, can it?
Meghan… I need to etch this name into my mind. I can’t allow myself to forget her. Even though I can’t put anything about her into words. I just know that she is important and that I need her.
I just don’t know why.
Meghan.
I can feel her tiny hands on my face, enfolding it with them and smiling at me. Looking at her makes me feel as if everything is going to be okay. Why do I feel like this?
Meghan Singer. Meghan. Who are you?
The BeAst Of Me (The Beast And Me Book 5) Page 11