by Tanya Holmes
From what I could glean, this was the Digby case all over again. Right down to one of them being certifiable. Wanda and Shelly: a single vessel, two personalities. Well, in this instance, three actually. Xavier. Braeden. And Ian.
Caryn’s video played in my head again. Now the differences between the men were starker. The doppelganger hadn’t been cold, remote, or reserved like Braeden. He was funny, gregarious, and comfortable in his own skin. One could even reason he was a warmer, saner version of Xavier.
“So where is Ian?” I asked, dreading his answer.
Braeden pressed a hand to his chest again. “In here, but he won’t exist in full until Xavier and I Join permanently.”
“Wasn’t he there the night of the storm?”
“Yes, but it wasn’t a permanent Joining. It was…a shadow of him.” When Braeden saw my mounting bewilderment, he offered, “It’s like a spark from a fire. It dies in a flash because it lacks the fuel to become a proper flame. Well, that’s how it was for Ian that night. He only became self-aware because of all the confusion. I hadn’t expected to die, and Xavier hadn’t expected it either. But today we were prepared—well, Xavier was anyway. That made us strong enough to remain separate.”
“You say Xavier is the dominant personality….” Here was but another instance where I feared his answer. “If that’s true, how will you exist if he’s the one in control?”
“It’s not about control. Again, it’s about unity,” he said. “We’ve evolved over the years. There aren’t four faces anymore, just two. But for Halved Yoreck…fractured Yoreck, the two faces aren’t unified. When we were Joined, we encountered the same things but experienced them differently, reacted differently because we’re two distinct facets of Ian: one extroverted, one introverted. All mortals have conflicting facets within their personalities, but for a fractured Yoreck, these facets are autonomous and distinct. That’s how Xavier and I came to be. The fracturing started when we—when Ian hit puberty, and over the centuries it continued until we completely splintered during the war.”
“So where does Ian fit in all this. Who is he?”
“He’s both of us,” he said, “but more Xavier than me, expression-wise.”
My brain was about to explode. “This is getting confusing.”
“Let’s see if I can explain it better.” He frowned for a moment. “Okay. Are you familiar with Freud’s psychoanalytic personality theory?”
“You mean the Id, Ego, and Superego?”
He nodded. “Yes. The Id is impulsive and impatient. It adheres to the ‘pleasure principle.’ It wants what it wants when it wants it.”
My ears perked up. “That’s Xavier.”
“Well, my analogy is crude and cannot begin to touch upon the complexities of Yoreck Halvedom, but for our purposes, let’s say, yes, he’s the Id. And that Id is childlike and open…and trusting.” Braeden swallowed. “But if you break that trust, if you betray his—if you destroy…” He licked his lips. “The child will…he’ll…” Next, he stared off, becoming entranced by something in his head for a few moments. Finally, he cleared his throat. “Right—”
“Braeden? Are you okay?”
“Yes, of course.” He flashed a smile. “Sorry. I lost my train of thought.” He nodded a few times. “Next, we have the Superego. That’s the part of us, of humans, that reasons—the logical part. The restrainer. The little voice in your head that says, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t do that.’”
The choice for this one was obvious. “That’s you, right?”
“In a way, yes,” he said with a dying grin. “I’m Xavier’s restraint, and he’s…he’s my freedom. You see, Denieve, we both have something the other lacks. Which brings us to the Ego. According to Freud, the Ego is really a grown-up version of the Id. It’s the face…or personality you present to the world. Before the fracture, Ian was our face. Do you follow?”
“I’m trying.”
“Well, all three are one,” he continued. “All three are you. But the Ego wouldn’t be the Ego without the Id and Superego.” He held my hands again. “It’s about unity.”
“And Ian’s the unity?”
“Yes—our balanced reflection,” Braeden said. “Once we fractured, Ian had no peace. He was always conflicted. Always in turmoil. Either I’d try to take over or Xavier would. It was a never-ending battle for power.”
“How was it supposed to work—this perfect union with the three of you?”
“Think of a vocalist in a band. The band directs the vocalist, props him up—accompanies him. The vocalist sings to the music. And when vocals and music are combined they make a song. Well, our particular song is Ian. Without Xavier and me, Ian wouldn’t exist.”
“So if Ian is the song, then Xavier’s the vocalist? And you’re the music?” He nodded and I stared down at his beautiful, gifted hands…Ian’s beautiful, gifted hands. “Then I guess he really is my doppelganger.”
“Your what?”
“The doppelganger with the golden voice.” I raised my eyes to his. “Remember I told you Caryn showed me a video of you singing?”
Braeden nodded again, a wealth of shadows crossing his face. “Right. And I wanted to address that then, but I couldn’t tell you. I had to wait until I knew if you were with child.” He sighed, his expression darkening even more. “Sweetheart, Xavier and I have never played together. It was impossible.”
“What?”
His brows furrowed. “Do you know how much cooperation…hell, coordination it takes for an artist to play and sing at the same time? Well, imagine trying to do it with two rival personalities trapped in the same body. I’d play and he couldn’t sing. He’d sing then I couldn’t play.”
Fear spilled into my veins. “So where….” I felt like I was falling apart.
“Take your time.”
Nodding, I swallowed hard. “Where did the video come from?”
“That’s the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question,” he said, grasping my hands again. “Has she ever done anything visual? Shown you something supernaturally that only you could see?”
“A rose. She knew—” The catch in my voice took me by surprise. “She knew it was my symbol for love. She made me see it in the library during the storm.”
“Well. It appears insanity isn’t her only talent,” Braeden said flatly.
“She came to me in a dream the other night, but she wasn’t burning this time. She was dressed in a flowing gown and light surrounded her. I thought it was because they’d released her from purgatory.”
“How can you be sure anything you’ve seen of her was real? For all you know her appearance from the beginning could’ve been a ruse. What did she look like before this last appearance?”
“Flames surrounded her, and she was charred. That’s why I thought she’d won forgiveness. The gown, the radiance, her skin—it was all so beautiful. She looked like she was finally at peace.”
“The devil himself can appear as an angel of light. That scheming witch is no different.”
Then it hit me. “I remember now. In the dream she said she was about to get everything she ever wanted.”
“There you go. Motive and means.” A trickle of blood-tinged water inched down his forehead. He swiped it back and rubbed the residue on his jeans. “I hate to say it, but everything about her has been a lie. For whatever reason, she manufactured all that tripe to manipulate you. And that shameless ‘video’ was her crowning glory.”
No wonder Braeden hadn’t recognized the song when I first mentioned it—he’d never heard it. Never played it.
My heart seized. Why did it feel like someone had just died? I’d loved him, this man who didn’t exist, this mysterious phantom. He’d grown beyond my imagination and felt so real. Damn her. A painful lump swelled in my throat as grief morphed to anger.
Lies. It had all been lies! My doppelganger was nothing more than supernatural CGI bullshit that a sneaky, underhanded, vindictive ghost demon had created. But why was I surprised? She’d lied from th
e beginning, orchestrating this whole thing, starting with the unspeakable things she did to poor Mrs. Higgins, then deceiving her own mother, and finally, manipulating me with this fictional, picture-perfect phantasm!
She’d known how special that song was to me. She’d also known I was desperate to forge some kind of connection with the aloof, if not frosty Braeden Frost. What better way to reel me in than to fabricate a warmer version of him?
At this point, I wanted Caryn to resurrect just so I could kill her again. “To what end?” I demanded. “Because I’m drawing a blank. What the hell is she after?”
“Do the two of you have unfinished business?”
Yep. And stupid me thought we hadn’t. I’d honestly believed she’d put the past behind us. “This was never about you. This was about her getting revenge on me.”
“For what?”
“An accident a long time ago.” I gave him a quick summary, then said, “She’s never forgiven me, even in death, so now she’s come for revenge.” A stark realization dawned. “The book! She gave it to me thinking it would kill me.”
Braeden fell silent as he brushed back my hair with a shaky hand. It was getting harder for him to remain with me. Here, in Xavier’s body. He tried to hide it, but maintaining control taxed him. The strain was in his face, in his eyes, in his touch. He was struggling.
He smiled in spite of it all. “Well, she failed, Denieve. Just as the child protected you from my hand, it saved you from the book. It will save you again if need be.”
“Something she probably didn’t count on,” I said with bitterness.
“Indeed.” Shadows hung in his eyes. “Given her track record, I’d say she’s definitely up to no good.” He rubbed his hand up and down my arm, gave it a loving squeeze. “We’ll just have to steer clear of her, okay?”
We were dodging the subject we both knew floated between us like a ghost. His goodbye. “How? What if she comes to me again?”
“She can’t get in here.” He lifted his eyes to the ceiling, as if he were reading something, something I couldn’t see. “Xavier’s got a shield over the place. I sensed it when I came in.” His voice held confidence. “It’s spiritual. Magical. We don’t just have human enemies. As descendants of Yoreck, we know of hundreds, if not thousands of other extraordinary beings. That’s what The Scribe’s Oath chronicles. All the secret races. Preternaturals like me.”
I tossed a glance at the ceiling, seeing nothing. “So where is this shield?”
“It’s invisible to mortal eyes. Torrance Hospital is protected in the same way. That’s the place we’ll be going next week for the procedure.”
There it was. I shuddered at the word. Procedure. Yet another reminder that my time with this man was short.
As if knowing my disturbing thoughts, Braeden gazed back at me in sympathy, but he didn’t broach the elephant in the room. He avoided it. “Like Torrance Hospital, this bunker has invisible symbols that will protect you. It’s similar to runic writing. Xavier’s incantations deflect anything that isn’t Yoreck or him. Which is how I managed to breech—”
Braeden gasped, clutched his chest, and hunched forward.
I scooted closer. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“It’s…time.” His body shuddered again. “If I don’t leave soon, I risk an unholy Joining.”
Panic set in like a lance to the heart. This was real. He was actually leaving. Every festering emotion I’d suppressed came spilling out of me. The confusion. The rage. The frustration. The tears. “I don’t care who Ian is. Do you hear me, Braeden Frost? I love you. I don’t want you to be a backdrop. Or…or…the music. Or whatever the hell that is—I don’t want it. Please…don’t leave me!”
“I will never leave you. Believe that.” His head dropped as if he were reliving a memory. “Things weren’t always this way—me being the one who feels. It’s what Xavier taught me. It’s a gift this heart…this burden has given me. But without him, I still stumble, which is why you felt the distance between us. I can’t deny it any more. I can only love you properly through him.”
I couldn’t see past the streaming tears. “What are you talking about!”
He hunched over again. “Xavier will explain. Just know Joining will complete me—complete us. It’s what our soul needs. I cannot survive like this, Denieve—without Xavier. I cannot exist. I’m dying. We both are.”
Tears rushed down my cheeks. “Braeden….”
“Grabbing Milton Vogel the way I did—it’s not how I operate. I wanted to scare him, but not like that. My temper got away from me. And your bedroom door…me kicking it in. That’s not who I am. I’ve been physical with Xavier too. In all the years we’ve been apart, through all his provocations, I never laid a hand on him. Not once…until the day after the storm. That’s when I first hit him. It’s…it’s the madness. It’s getting harder to control myself.” He drew a sharp breath. “You deserve so much more. The best. But I can only be my best with him. Don’t you see that?” He grabbed another breath. “I must decrease so he can increase.”
“Who? Xavier?”
“No. Ian.” He cupped my cheek, fitting his hand around the mask. The love shining in his eyes blinded me. “You need to give Xavier a chance. I know you have your differences, but there’s a reason he’s the way he is….and…I have a lot…a lot to do with that.”
I couldn’t have cared less about Xavier’s reasons, or anything else but Braeden right now. Swiping my tears with a fist, I asked, “You actually want this?”
Braeden glanced down. “Yes. I do.”
He was trying so hard to be brave, but I saw the truth. Jealousy. Regret. Deception. Fear. It was faint, but still there. It was in his eyes—the confliction, the doubt, the dueling emotions.
Braeden was saying goodbye, and I couldn’t bear it. I grabbed his face. “Stay! Just stay and take over his body. Can you do that?”
“No, Denieve. Again, I could end up doing more harm than good. Our permanent Join has to be done in a proper Yoreck hospital. There are too many risks.” I read his expression again. Subdued panic is what I saw. Like he realized he’d said too much. “But not to worry. It’ll be fine. Torrance Hospital has everything we need.…”
He was speaking, but I’d since stopped listening. I couldn’t give him what he wanted. Compliance and confidence. I was tired of being lied to. I had to hear the bitter truth, consequences be damned. “Don’t,” I yelled. “No more. I can’t take it. With all the lies you’ve been telling over the past two months, I need to know exactly what you’re facing.”
Defeat painted his expression. “Denieve…”
“The truth, Braeden. Tell me. What are the risks of this Joining?”
He lowered his eyes. “Sometimes things don’t go as planned.”
“I’m listening.”
His words were slow in coming. “Rejection could happen, and I’d be left disembodied and drifting forever. Or, one personality may absorb the other, or both could cancel each other out, leaving a body with no host. Sometimes madness ensues. Psychosis. There was a high-profile incident a couple decades ago where an unholy Joining occurred. One Halved Yoreck killed himself to hijack his other half…his Beta, who wasn’t strong enough to fight him off. They went mad.” Seeing my growing distress, he gripped my arms. “Those are extreme cases. That’s why it has to be done under medical supervision. They keep us in isolation for weeks at a time. Just to be sure everything is normal. But Xavier and I…we’ve come a long way, so I’m not expecting any complications.”
“You’re not expecting any, but what about him? Could you die? Could this Ian person erase both you and Xavier?”
“There is no Ian without Xavier and me. I’m not going anywhere and neither is my brother. For as long as Ian exists, so will I. So will Xavier.” He squeezed his lids shut, shook his head. “I’ll have no peace with this fear in your eyes. Please, Denieve. My love. My heart, let me leave you on a good note.” He wiped a tear from my face, but another replaced i
t. “When the change is done—”
“You’ll be in the background.”
“Because that’s my place. I’m the introvert. It’s always been that way. It’s where I’m most comfortable,” he said. “But when you speak to Ian you’ll be speaking to me. And Xavier. Directly. I promise I’ll be alive and thriving.”
“But happy? Will you be happy, Braeden?”
“How can I not be if I have you?” He scooted forward, his hands still cradling my face. “Don’t you understand? I’ve been miserable—as has Xavier since the split. Not to mention, I’ll die without this Joining. You have to remember that.”
“I’m trying. I really am. But I’m going to need a sign. Something to tell me that you’re still in there when it’s over. Swear it. Swear you’ll let me know you’re okay.”
“I swear on our love. Do you believe me?”
I nodded hard, fighting to see him through my tears.
“All right,” he said with a sense of purpose. “I have to go now.”
“Can I kiss you goodbye?”
“The pheromones—”
“I don’t care about the damn pheromones! Please, Braeden!”
“Xavier took Viagra. I can feel it, but the impulse is still there. Once I kiss you, I may not be able to stop.”
I knew the risk, but I also knew, despite his denials, that this might be the last time I’d ever hear his voice. The last time Braeden would be Braeden. I had to risk it. I had to touch him once more.
“I trust you,” I said.
He deliberated, his face downcast. A war raged in his eyes, fear against longing, caution against desire. But I knew he needed this as much as I did. His chest shuddered as he reached for the mask.
“No tongues,” he said in a stern whisper. “And don’t breathe.”
“I haven’t breathed since I met you Braeden Frost.”
He touched the side of my face tenderly. Ran his fingertips along the seam of the mask. Then he smiled, lifted it, and without hesitation, crushed his mouth to mine in a chaste kiss that wasn’t chaste. A promise of more to come sealed it. There was no exchange of breath or tongues, but unbridled passion filled the void. His fingers slipped through my hair, and a moan rumbled in his throat as he tugged me closer. Yet as suddenly as it began, it was over. He tore his mouth from mine, pulled the mask over my face again. In the blink of an eye, he shot across the room, his back crashing into the wall, and sank to the floor as his lids fluttered closed.