Perhaps it’s derived from never being sure of myself, or having cousins that picked on me every chance they got. At the end of the day I was Christian Mitchell, oldest daughter of Colt and Savanna, second in line to the family ranch, and the least good looking of my two siblings.
I’d like to say that all of the above explanations led me in a good direction in finding myself. It would have been the educated decision they’d expect me to make. For lack of better terms I’d reached a breaking point in life. It wasn’t just about my looks, or my inability to communicate rationally with someone of the opposite sex. Surely I had a couple lasting friendships. I’d dated, even when my brother would threaten to chase them down our dirt road with a hunting rifle to keep them away.
Despite Noah’s efforts, there was a special guy in my life that I hung out with all the time. We’d been best friends for years. He was the person I’d turned to when I wanted a night of release. We were human, each of us needing a physical connection every once in a while. It still didn’t get me what I needed though.
My problems were about self-discovery, and it was time I finally found who the person was that I wanted to be.
I’ve heard college is the best years of a person’s life. Perhaps that’s true for most young adults. I’d seen my peers change in my first two years of attending the University of Kentucky. Like my father, I’d gotten a full ride, finding it easy to maintain a high grade point average with little effort. Socially I lacked confidence, which in turn caused me to be an outcast, just like in earlier years.
When I’d decided to live near the college my dad was leery about allowing me to live alone. It was then that we sought out housing looking for roommates. As nervous as I was to be around three female strangers, I knew it was impertinent that I forge forward with my anticipated need for change. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out early on that I had nothing in common with any of the girls. Not only was I the newbie, but they clearly had a long-standing bond with one another. Since I was used to being cast aside, I spent my first week organizing my new room, and staying out of everyone’s way. It would’ve been fine with me if we passed in the halls with a friendly gesture and went about our days as if I was just a friendly acquaintance.
Unfortunately, they didn’t share those feelings.
Becca seemed to be the leader of my three new roommates. There were all transplants to Kentucky, coming from all different states. Often they mentioned my strong drawl, though I never noticed it.
Becca was always in control of planning. It was she who came into my room, plopping down on my bed before forcing a conversation on me. I found it uncomfortable, as if she was invading my personal space, but longed for a connection with someone other than my own mother.
I wasn’t so much impressed with Becca as I was with the way she was able to act so bubbly all the time. People seemed drawn to her, which in turn made her highly likeable. Her long hair had both brown and blonde in it, and it hung down half of her back. The way she dressed left little to the imagination. I’d overheard her talking about being a cheerleader, which completely fit the stereotype I’d provided in my head. Still, we weren’t in high school anymore. I had to get over what clicks were like back then, and understand that people change. Just because she was well-liked didn’t make her someone I had to hate. It was more like jealousy of wanting her life, her friends, and of course her confidence.
“So, us girls are going out tonight, and we want you to come with us.” She threw up her hands before I could decline, or give her some convoluted reason why it would be a bad idea for me to tag along. “We aren’t taking no for an answer Christian. Unless you plan on joining a convent, you’re coming out with us.”
“If you insist.” I shrugged, still unsure of how I felt about it. The girls that I lived with liked to party I’d heard some of their crazy stories. I don’t think that I looked down on them for being so open-minded, it was more like I was jealous that they were so easily social.
“We do. Now, do something with your hair, put on some makeup, and change out of those clothes. If you need to borrow something of mine, you know where my closet is. In fact,” she put her finger up to her lips as she looked over my body. “I’ve got this red dress that would look hot as shit on you.” She left the room, quickly returning with what I would call a long shirt. It was see-through red fabric, low cut, and very stretchy.
“Becca, I don’t know about this. I’ve never worn somethin’ so tight before, and clearly I don’t have a body suit for underneath.”
“Girl, you’ve got a rocking body. It’s time you flaunted it. Besides where we’re goin’ you’ll fit right in.” She seemed sure, while I remained a skeptic. If this got me to meet new people, I was at least willing to give it a try. It couldn’t hurt to come out of my shell for a couple of hours, and they were nice to invite me.
An hour later I sat in front of a vanity mirror staring back at a person I barely recognized. Becca had been nice enough to come in and do my makeup. I felt like she was making me look like a floozy, albeit the final result was something overwhelming. I’d never felt like I was beautiful, even though people had always complimented me. The reflection I was seeing was gorgeous. My hair, flowing with long curls, fell down over the middle of my back. My eyelashes were lengthened, and the dark shadow on the lids caused my green eyes to look so pronounced.
Becca stood back with her arms folded across her chest. “So, you’re totally smokin’. I’d do you. With that body and your southern drawl, girl you’ll be the talk of the night.”
I rolled my eyes, paying little attention to her forward announcement. While I leaped to my feet, spinning around checking out my ass in the mirror, I felt sexy. It was something I’d never been comfortable with. “Impressive.”
“Maybe after tonight you’ll realize that hidin’ behind those books ain’t how college life is supposed to be. You need to experience things, Chris. God gave you that rockin’ body. It’s time you showed it off. I know I’d kill for your tits.”
I looked down at my cleavage, noticing how the bra underneath shown through. “I’m ready when you are.” She couldn’t understand what it was like to never feel like you could fit in. I wanted to be liked, but changing myself to do it didn’t seem like it was real. At any rate, I wanted to try.
Right before we went out my best friend, Ethan called to check on me. My stomach still got butterflies at the mere thought of him. It was probably juvenile to feel so excited about someone I’d known forever.
“Hi.”
“What are you doin’ tonight?”
I kept checking out my ass in the mirror as I spoke. “I’m going out with my roommates actually.”
“Wow. Seriously? I thought you didn’t like them.”
I smirked, knowing he couldn’t see. “I never said that. It was more like they didn’t care for me.”
“That’s their loss. Listen, if you have a bad time you can call me. I’ll pick you up and keep my questions to a minimum.”
“Yeah right. I can already tell you’re bustin’ to hear about it.”
He was quiet for a second. “Chris,” he always called me that. “I wanted to talk to you about somethin’ tonight, but I guess it can wait. Call me tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay, I will.” As much as I’d become curious as to what he’d want to discuss, I was eager to have this night out, so that I could discover all that I’d been missing out on.
When we piled into Becca’s compact car, I sat with my hands clasped together in the backseat thinking about Ethan. We’d been friends since middle school, and I guess I’d always had a crush on him. Like me, he’d been focused on school and not wanted a relationship to be damaging to his education, no matter how close we became.
Since we hung out so often we were comfortable being alone together. One night, years ago, we were alone in his living room watching a movie after quizzing each other for a final exam. His father had started a fire before heading upstairs, and the crackling
set a romantic ambience. I think secretly his parents were always trying to get us to hook up, because they liked my family.
Our first kiss came after a long discussion about staying focused. We sat there side by side agreeing that being in a relationship would cause unwanted stress and break our strict study guidelines. Neither of us talked about having feelings for each other, and honestly, at the time, I hadn’t given it much thought, although I know now that I was swooning hard. It was that night, in that very setting where we decided to satisfy our desires together. We made a pact to share all of our firsts. It was a pact that we’d kept since that night. If there was something new to discover we’d do it together.
The awkward kiss that started it all lead to something so much deeper for me. I’d had boyfriends, but never experienced something real. That intense feeling caught me off guard, and as our practicing progressed, I longed for more from him.
We slept together for the first time that following month, and had been sexually active with one another for a couple of years. I’d fallen hopelessly in love with him. We hadn’t only lost our virginity with each other because we had feelings; it was also because we trusted each other. Somehow that trust became more for me.
Ethan must have noticed and gotten freaked out. He said he could only love me as his best friend. As much as the friendship meant to me I accepted it. Slowly he started pulling away, and ended up becoming interested in one of our friends. It took me two months to be able to be near him again, and when we were together I couldn’t stop the longing to be closer to him.
After graduation we were still sleeping together often, and spending huge amounts of time either with each other or on the phone. He knew everything about me, and I him. I guess that’s why it was so difficult to hide my feelings.
College had helped.
While we attended the same university, our schedules kept a good distance between us. Though still study partners, and the closest of friends, we didn’t have much time to hook up, causing me to feel unwanted whenever were alone.
Lately he’d been calling more. It was odd to me how for so long I wanted his attention, and now when I was ready to open up and explore whatever else was out there, he was showing back up.
I looked down at my messages on my cell phone, seeing that besides Ethan, only my family ever called me. This night had to go well, because I was determined to break out of this shell and become something more than a boring nerd.
Chapter 2
Christian
A prude.
That’s what I’d been for twenty years of my life.
The lights had been dimmed as we entered into the Lazy Horse Club. The tantric music played, creating an ambience as we located seats. Right away I knew where they’d brought me, and it was an immediate anxiousness when my eyes sought out the person on the stage.
A blonde female, probably my age, swayed her body, while her hands gradually played with the tiny straps on either side of her hips. I wanted to turn away, feeling ashamed for staring. This wasn’t a place I ever thought I’d be.
While relaxing enough to find a chair, I sat with my back to the stage. My mind went to my mother, and what she’d say if she ever found out I was in this type of establishment. Surely my new roommates had been here before, because I watched two of them, Becca and Mandi, waving to the girl on stage. They whistled, causing my curiosity to make me turn to see what could be so interesting.
She was now topless, squatting down with her back up against a pole. Her arms were lifted above her head, her breasts at full attention.
To say that I was uneasy would have been an understatement. I couldn’t fathom how I was intrigued, but yet as my eyes focused in on the confidence she held, a part of me felt jealous.
I’d always believed that women who dance for money had problems; like daddy issues, or even just for money. I felt like they were desperate and it was some last resort. This woman on the stage seemed happy, almost like she carried herself as if she was a queen. As her song ended, she hopped off the platform and headed in our direction. I turned my chair back around, trying to make it less obvious that I’d been in awe.
When she sat down beside me I almost wanted to cry, in fear that she would address the way I’d been watching her. Instead, she pretended that I wasn’t even present. “So, what’d you think of the new song?”
Becca reached over the table and took the stripper’s hands. “It was great. I noticed how many tips you got. The men loved it.”
I tightened my lips and sat silently listening to the next song begin to play as a new girl was introduced to the crowd. Shell, my third roommate turned her attention to me. “Sorry, Chris, this is Amber. Her dance name is Charisma. She used to live in your room, before she started making the big bucks. Now she’s got a studio apartment all to herself.”
Since money was never an issue with my family, I was just learning how someone could struggle as an adult. I tried not to talk about my family much, so that people wouldn’t want to be my friend for the wrong reasons. I’d been raised that money didn’t make a person, but knew enough to see how people could be taken advantage of if they had it. In all honesty, it wasn’t my money. It wasn’t like I was helping out around the ranch in anyway. My parents wanted my focus to be on school.
Amber looked me up and down, taking in the dress that fit so snug against my curves. “It’s nice to meet you, Chris. Is this your first time in a strip club? You seem uncomfortable.”
I shrugged. “It’s that obvious?”
She reached over and put her hand over mine, smiling fully as she spoke. “Don’t worry. I felt the same way my first time. Trust me, coming from my religious family, I never would have stepped foot into one of these places if it weren’t for Becca. One night out turned into a new life for me. Now I’m able to afford school and live lavishly without having to bust my ass every second of the day. Here these will help.” She slid over two shots.
I looked down at them, contemplating if I wanted to drink or not. After watching her doing her own, I succumbed to the pressure.
They burned like my throat was on fire, and I puckered up my face to handle the extreme discomfort. “I suppose the hours would be better,” I finally replied.
“Honey,” she started. “I work three days out of the week, for four hours at a time, and still bring home a grand easy. I’ve even started doing private parties. I get three hundred bucks for an hour and a half. Usually I end up splitting it with whoever I take, even if they don’t dance with me. It’s peace of mind knowing I’m not alone with strangers, ya know?”
I nodded, still in shock with being in a strip club and sitting next to a topless girl. It was difficult, even for a straight person, to not have your eyes radiate to naked skin, especially when it was right in my face. “I get it. It’s not something I could ever do, but it’s great that you can spend more time on school. So, if you don’t mind me askin’, what’s your major?”
She smiled. “Psychology.”
I was impressed again that she was seeking such a difficult occupation. It took a certain kind of dedication to focus on the medical field. This girl wasn’t a bimbo. She clearly knew what she wanted, and also how to make it happen.
While my roommates were having a good time, I was mesmerized that this lifestyle was nothing I’d imaged it to be. It was so intriguing, and I found myself wondering what each dancer’s story was.
Before I could ask Amber more, she smirked and waved as a gentleman motioned for her to join him. She stood up and leaned forward. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. This guy tips out the ass, and I don’t want to keep him waiting.”
For the next several hours, and drinks later, the four of us sat there watching the girls dancing around the stage. With each act, I could sense that same confidence with the performers. Maybe I picked up on it because it was something I lacked. Perhaps I was in amazement to be experiencing this type of lifestyle. No matter how I tried to spin that this wasn’t something I’d ever be inter
ested in being around, I was drawn with curiosity. Not to mention that as I sat there watching someone of the same sex dancing around, I became very aware of how turned on it was making me. When Amber came back to our table she was pulling five dollar bills out of her G-string. “It’s a good night, ladies.”
A group of guys at a table next to us started cat-calling. We all turned to see that they were asking us to join them. Of course, all of the girls except for me thought it was a fun idea. I felt someone tugging on my arm, and noticed that Amber was pulling me along. “You remind me so much of myself. Is your name Christina?”
“No, it’s Christian.”
She giggled as we sat down at the new table. “You’re shitting me.”
I shook my head, finding humor in her shock. “No, I’m not.”
“Wow. Let me guess, catholic school girl. Your parents are still happily married, and they never miss a Sunday in church?”
“Are you psychic?”
She grimaced before continuing. “No. I like to think that I’m a good judge of character. Believe it or not you’re lucky. Not many kids live with both parents nowadays. It’s part of the reason why I want to be a psychologist. I feel like if people tried a little harder then marriage wouldn’t be such a failure.”
“Are you from a broken family?” I wondered if my question was too personal after I’d asked.
“Actually I’m not. I’m the middle child to a doctor, and a teacher. My dad’s a surgeon, and my mother works with special needs kids. They’ve never needed to work on their marriage, because neither is around each other enough to fight.”
“I’m sorry.” I felt bad for her.
“Don’t be. We spend holidays together, and vacation during the summer.”
I needed to change the subject, but the guys we were now with wouldn’t stop addressing us, so I let them do it for me.
We both turned to see what they wanted. Immediately I caught eyes with one in particular. His brown hair was disheveled on the top of his head, while white teeth brightened his smile. “My name’s Seth.”
Christian Mitchell Page 2