by Ami Weaver
“I can’t stay the night.”
The hesitation in his voice made her open them again. “All I was going to offer was coffee.”
He laughed and rested his forehead on hers. “Lainey... God. I don’t deserve you.”
He got out of the car, and as he walked around to her door she whispered, “Yes, you do.”
* * *
“Did you tell her yet?”
Ben put the leftover roast back in the fridge. For two people, they had enough to feed them for a week. Maybe two. “Tell who what?”
Rose wheeled around and he saw her frown. “Don’t play games with me, Benjamin. When are you going to tell Lainey about Jason?”
He shut the fridge and stared at the sandwich he no longer had an appetite for. He was tired, he wanted to get out of the tux, and he had no idea why his grandmother had waited up for him. “I’m not, Grandma. She doesn’t need to know.” He didn’t want her to think less of him.
Her gaze went to slits. “Oh, yes, she does. You are in love with that girl—”
Panic sliced through him. “She’s hardly a girl—” That was what he protested? He’d meant to say no way was he in love with Lainey. Sure, she’d helped him open up in ways he hadn’t thought were possible, but that didn’t mean he was in love with her.
His grandma waved his words away impatiently. “Semantics. When you’re my age a thirty-something woman is a girl. You love her—even if you aren’t willing to admit it yet. She’s got it equally bad for you. I would have thought going with her tonight would help you see that. You don’t have forever, Ben. Ask Callie.”
Her voice was quiet, and Ben sank down in a chair as if she’d taken an axe to his knees. “Geez, Grandma, how can you say that?”
She wheeled closer, her gaze intense. “Do you think Jason wasted one single minute when he first spotted that girl? No, he didn’t. He had some good years with her, loved her fully. And he—he alone—was reckless and lost it all. How do you think Callie would feel, knowing you are throwing your own chance at love away because her husband is gone? Is that going to make her feel better? Bring Jason back?”
Her words pinged around in him, echoing in his head. “I— No, of course not.”
She poked him in the chest. “Listen to me. I know a thing or two about love, having been married to your grandpa Harry for fifty-odd years. You’ve found a woman who’d give you everything. You’re walking away because Jason isn’t here. Ask yourself—would he divorce Callie if the roles were reversed?”
He shook his head and stood up. “Of course he wouldn’t. But it’s not that easy, Grandma. He went in that building after me. I shouldn’t have been there to begin with. It was my job to keep him safe.” I failed him.
“It was a miscommunication that was out of your control and not your personal responsibility,” she said simply. “He made a choice. He knew the risks. You both did. It’s part of the job. You weren’t his babysitter. You need to go see Callie. But first you need to accept that it’s time to move on.”
He went cold. See Callie? See first hand the destruction he’d caused? He hadn’t even been able to face returning her calls. He wasn’t sure he’d be welcome, that she’d want to see him. He didn’t want to make things worse for her, for her kids. For Jason’s sake. For her own.
For his.
But this wasn’t about him.
Rose laid a hand on his arm. “You need to accept that it’s okay to move on,” she said quietly. “You’re a good man. You deserve Lainey, and Lord knows both of you deserve to be happy. Even beyond that, she needs you and you need her. Don’t let it slip away.”
Her words rang true. But he didn’t know if he was capable of being the man Lainey and her baby deserved. The risk of failing them was far too great. He’d failed Jason, and by extension Callie.
When he closed his eyes all he saw was Lainey. All he heard was her laugh, her voice. He could still feel her in his arms. But he couldn’t be in love with her. He’d shut that part of himself down for good.
Hadn’t he?
* * *
It was time to sign the paperwork.
Lainey’d read over the pages from Jon and asked Beth’s husband, who was a lawyer, to look over them as well. While technically she’d need to take him to court to finalize the custody transfer, it should be able to be handled with lawyers only. This was the necessary first step to being well and truly free of her baby’s father. She signed them and put them away, both relieved and a little sad.
She went into the kitchen and had just started a pot of coffee—decaf, of course—when there was a knock on the front door. She padded over that way and took a look through the peephole.
Daniel stood on the front step.
Lainey inhaled sharply and leaned her head on the door. She’d love to ignore him, but her car was in the driveway instead of the garage. And she knew he wouldn’t go away.
She opened the door. “This is a bad time, Daniel. I’m really tired.”
He looked her over, his gaze both hot and contemptuous, and she gripped the door tighter.
“I just want to talk.”
He tried the old charming smile, but it did nothing but annoy her. She crossed her arms. “Try again. We’ve got nothing left to say to each other. Why are you really here, Daniel?”
He dropped all pretense. “You’re pregnant.” He nearly spat the words.
Her pulse picked up in warning. “Yes, I am.”
“How are you going to raise it by yourself?” He stepped a little closer and she forced herself to hold her ground. “You’ll be a single mother. Who’s going to raise it with you?”
Ben. Oh, if only. “I’m going to be a single mother, yes. Did you need something? Because I’ve got things to do—”
He interrupted her. “You’re making a mistake, Lainey. Your parents have opened their house
to you. They’re trying to help you. We all are. Don’t you see? I can take care of the money problems you have. You won’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Anger spiked. “I won’t have to do what? Work at a job I love? Something that has meaning to me? That I get up each morning and want to do? Why do you want to take that from me?”
He blinked at her. “No one’s taking anything from you. We’re offering solutions so you don’t have to struggle anymore. Especially now that you are pregnant.”
“What I need is to make my own solutions,” she said simply. “Not have yours forced on me. And the fact you can’t see that means you don’t know me at all. You never did.”
He frowned and put his hands in his pockets. “Of course I knew you. You were my wife for seven years.”
And in all that time you never picked out one birthday gift. She shook her head. “I was a tool. I was the means to an end—which was my father.” Funny how she couldn’t muster up any fire. She truly didn’t care. He was so far behind her now he’d never catch up.
His expression radiated sincerity, but she knew better than to believe it. “I’m sorry you felt that way, Lainey. I cleaned some things up before I came here. I’ve changed. I made a mistake or two. You of all people know what it’s like to make mistakes.”
The words hit home. Still. “Yes. I do. But my baby isn’t one of them. Also, I never hurt anyone or deceived anyone like you did. You made a mockery of our marriage. Of me. And that’s why, even if I’d ever loved you, I wouldn’t get back with you. That would be the biggest mistake of my life.” She stepped back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, my coffee is ready.”
Daniel crowded closer and stepped inside the door. His tone was wheedling. “No, wait. It was good with us, Lainey. It’s better for a baby to have a father. We can have some of our own.”
“No.” She’d never inflict a man like Daniel on a poor kid. No child deserved that. “You need to lea
ve. Now.”
Daniel grabbed her by the upper arms, and when she tried to pull away he dug in harder. She swallowed a yelp of pain. “Lainey. This is what works best for me. For both of us. You—”
The door banged open and Daniel let go of her in surprise. Ben stood there, and the smoldering anger on his face took Lainey’s breath away.
“Get away from her.” The words were a low growl.
Daniel reached for her again. “Lainey, listen—”
“Get out,” she hissed. “Don’t come back.”
Ben took a menacing step toward Daniel and he took a step in the right direction. “She asked you to leave.”
Daniel scowled, cursed, and slammed out the door.
She turned to Ben, willing her heart to return to normal, unsure if it was pumping so hard from the encounter with her idiot ex or Ben’s very intoxicating nearness. “Why are you here?”
“I was in the neighborhood and saw him through the door.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I thought you could use backup.”
She pressed her hands to her face. “I wish everyone would stop trying to help me. I had it under control.”
“Of course,” he murmured. “I saw him handling you and jumped to conclusions.”
She laid her hand on his arm as he turned to go. “No. Please. I’m sorry. I’m just so sick of my family interfering. You did me a favor by showing up here. It’s not the first time he’s handled me roughly.”
His eyes went to slits. “He abused you?”
“No.” She shook her head. “He’d grab me, like you saw tonight, but he almost never touched me. In any manner.” Then she blushed as it hit her what she’d admitted.
Ben touched her face and the delicious roughness of his fingers on her skin caused a little shiver to run down her back. “Lainey. How could he be married to you and not see what he had?”
Her gaze pinged to his at his words and the rawness in his voice and she barely dared to breathe. The reverence she saw there made her want to cry. Daniel had never looked at her like that. Ever.
She clasped his wrist and turned into his touch. “I don’t think he ever saw me, Ben. That’s not what he wanted.”
Ben didn’t get that. He looked at her and wanted everything. Wanted the whole package. Wanted the baby, the chance to be a father. It was killing him. He didn’t know how to reconcile things so he could have it. Jason, dead. Lainey, pregnant. Baby, not his. They all bothered him and worried him and he didn’t know how to move forward. She looked at him with those big eyes and he wanted to take her in his arms, into his bed, and let her soothe away the pain. Only letting go of it all seemed like a betrayal to Jason. And dumping it on her was more than he could ask of her.
Would she think less of him? He couldn’t deny it mattered, even though he wished it didn’t.
“Ben?”
He looked into her worried face and couldn’t help the question. He needed to know. “So he’s not the father?”
Her head snapped up and she laughed—a sharp bark. “God, no.” She stepped away and shut the door. “Can I get you something? A drink?”
He smelled coffee. “Coffee’s fine.”
He followed her to the kitchen, trying and failing to keep his gaze off her perfect ass in those clingy black pants. He leaned in the doorway while she opened cupboards and lifted slightly on her toes to get mugs. The movement pulled her shirt snug across her breasts and the slight swell of her belly. He wanted nothing more than to pull her against him, hold her tiny bump in his hands. The longing nearly brought him to his knees.
She poured the coffee with a slightly shaking hand, and he accepted his. She got out milk, sugar and spoons, and led him to the small table in the dining room. He sat opposite her and watched as she doctored her coffee.
“Let me tell you about my baby’s father. This is not a story I’m proud of,” she said quietly, and took a deep breath. Then she poured out the whole thing, without meeting his gaze.
Ben cursed. “He didn’t tell you he was married?”
She stirred her coffee without taking her eyes off the mug. “Nope. And I didn’t figure it out.
Pathetic, I know.”
“He is. You’re not.” When her head came up and she opened her mouth he held up a hand. “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You were recovering from a marriage that was completely loveless and lacking in affection or respect of any kind. This guy showed up and took advantage of that. How is that you being pathetic?”
She stared into her mug. “I just should have known better.”
“Oh, honey.” The endearment startled him, but he meant it. “No. He took advantage of you. That’s not on you.”
“I could have said no.” She shut her eyes. “It wasn’t like I really wanted him. It was just the idea of someone actually wanting me.”
“Yeah.” He pulled her to her feet. “But if you had said no, you wouldn’t have this.” He laid his hand on her belly and her eyes went wide. She laid her hand on top of his. “Would you wish this away?”
“Never,” she said quietly. She took a deep breath. “The only thing I’d wish for is a better father for him or her. Someone like you.” The words were nearly a whisper, and her soft gaze caught his.
He froze as if ice had formed in his muscles. “No, Lainey, not like me. I’m no good for you, for a baby.” He wasn’t what she needed. Not anymore.
She saw the shields come down and all but heard the resounding clang as they locked into place. She forced herself to hold his gaze and pressed his trembling hand against her belly. He wanted this, wanted her. She knew it—could see it. Had been seeing it as they’d gone through the past couple weeks. She wanted him too, even knowing how impossible the situation was.
“Why not?”
He slid his hand out from under hers and stepped away. The coldness she felt was as much at the loss of contact as it was for his emotional shutdown. “I can’t talk about it.”
She gave a little laugh and fought against the burn of tears. “Oh? But it’s okay for me to spill my shames to you? It’s a one-way street?”
“It’s not that simple.” His voice was low.
She lifted her chin. “My problems aren’t simple.”
“No. No, they’re not,” he agreed. “I meant it’s not—it’s not something I can talk about.”
That destroyed look was back, and her heart ached. She was falling in love with this man, and he would never let her close enough to help. To love him as he deserved. As he needed.
She thought of the nightmare but didn’t bring it up. The fact he chose to shut her out hurt, but what claim did she have to him? They’d been physical, she was emotionally invested, but there was no actual commitment—nothing that would mean he should tell her what had happened.
Still. She had to try. “You don’t have to carry this alone,” she said quietly. “Whatever it is.”
He stared at a spot on the wall, but she doubted he was seeing anything in the room. “Some things have to be,” he said finally, and the pain in his voice burned in her heart. He shoved a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Lainey. It’s just so damn hard to talk about.”
She got out of her chair and moved to kneel next to him. He wouldn’t look at her. “Why?” she asked, and held her breath.
His jaw worked. “I killed my best friend, okay?” At her sharp whimper he looked her in the eye. “I made a stupid mistake and a great guy died. A family man. He left his wife and two little kids. Sons who will never know their daddy now because of a mistake I made.”
Pain washed through her—for him, for the man’s family. She wanted to climb in his lap and hold him, but settled for touching his face, feeling the roughness of stubble under her hand. “Oh, Ben. I’m so sorry.”
His eyes glittered with unshed tears as he looked at her. �
�Not as sorry as I am. I’m not the man you want, Lainey.”
“Don’t you think I get to decide that?” she asked, and tugged him to his feet. He let her, and she slid her arms around him, rested her head on his chest and squeezed her eyes shut as she listened to the pounding of his heart beneath her cheek. The warmth of him seeped into her pores and pooled in her heart. He stood very still for a moment, then wrapped his arms around her, too. She hoped he would allow himself to take comfort from it, from her.
They stood that way for a few minutes, then Lainey heard her phone ring. Ben stepped back, the moment broken. “I’d better get going. You okay?”
She looked at him and saw the careful remoteness back in his gaze. Her heart ached as she nodded and followed him through the living room to the door. “Fine.”
He turned around and lifted her chin, his fingers lingering. The look in his eyes was a strange mixture of regret and affection. He leaned down and planted a hard kiss on her mouth. “You’re not any kind of damaged goods, Lainey. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. Ever. You’re an incredible woman.” Then he left.
Lainey pressed her fingertips to her tingling mouth, her heart heavy as the front door clicked shut behind him. The tears she’d been fighting finally broke loose, and as she sank back down at the table, head on her arms, she had another thought.
His parting words had sounded an awful lot like goodbye.
CHAPTER TWELVE
AT THE END of the next day Lainey went into the little office area in the back of the store and checked her books. The familiar feeling of dread pooled as she added up the numbers. Better, but not good enough. She could chart steady progress upward, though, so that was hopeful. But was it enough?
“What’s the verdict?” Beth walked over.
Lainey leaned back so her friend could see the screen and rested her hands on her belly. “Better. Definitely better. But not there. Yet.”
Beth hesitated. “Mark and I were talking. If you’re interested, we can probably swing me buying in if you want a partner.”
Stunned, Lainey stared at her friend. “I— Beth, I hadn’t—”