by Ami Weaver
Tears burned at the back of her throat. It was no good to love someone who had no idea how to accept it. Who was held up by the past, by something he couldn’t let go.
She had to hope he loved her too, and would be willing to work through his past to give them a future. But what if he wasn’t?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“LAINEY.” HER MOTHER stood in the doorway of The Lily Pad, clearly agitated. “We need to talk. Can you take a break right now?”
Startled, Lainey took a few steps toward her mother. She hadn’t thought she’d see her parents for a while after last night’s little ambush had been thwarted. She’d never seen the older woman so distraught. “Mom? Are you all right?”
Jacqui shook her head. “I just—we really need to sit down and discuss this.”
Beth hurried over to Lainey. “I can cover this right now. Why don’t the two of you go ahead?”
Her eyes searched Lainey’s face, and Lainey saw the concern there. If she disagreed, and opted to stay instead of talking to her mother, Beth would back her up. In light of last night’s conversation with her parents, her mother’s arrival this morning was a bit of a surprise.
She squeezed her friend’s hand. To her mother she said, “Okay. How about Mel’s?” It wasn’t fully private, but this time of day—mid-morning—business at the café should be a little slower.
Jacqui nodded. “That’s fine.”
Surprised, Lainey grabbed her coat and followed her mother out the door. She didn’t think she’d ever seen Jacqui go to Mel’s.
They walked in silence though the October chill. Halloween was only a couple days away, and November apparently had chosen to make an early appearance this year. Inside the warm café, Lainey led Jacqui to a corner table in the hopes they’d be undisturbed. They ordered hot drinks and sat in silence until the steaming mugs were delivered. Jacqui tapped her nails on the table relentlessly, a show of nerves Lainey didn’t think she’d ever seen before.
Not wanting to wait any longer, Lainey reached over and touched her mother’s hand. Jacqui looked more haggard, more tired, than Lainey could ever remember seeing her. “Mom, what’s this about?”
Jacqui fussed with her coffee, then lifted her gaze to meet Lainey’s. “I need you to explain how things got this way. How you could be so careless...” Her words trailed off.
“Careless as in getting pregnant? Or about Ben?” She hadn’t been careless either way.
Jacqui nodded. “Either. Both. And you won’t tell anyone who the father is!”
Lainey sat back. She had to choose her words carefully. “Mom, I wouldn’t say I was careless. No, it wasn’t planned. But it’s not a mistake. As for the father...” She hesitated. She clearly had to say something, but what? She settled for an abridged version of the truth. “Well, he’s not interested in being in our lives. He’s got his reasons, and none of them are anything I want my child associated with.” She hesitated just for a second before adding, “Why do you keep pushing Daniel on me?”
Jacqui looked her straight in the eye. “Because he can take care of you. And now the baby, too. It’s going to be so hard for you to raise the child and run that shop. I’m sure he’d let you keep the store, and you can work when you want. But you wouldn’t have to worry about money. Are you sure the baby’s father is out of the picture?”
Lainey thought of the papers she’d signed with a little pang of sorrow mixed with relief. “Yes.” She crossed her arms on the table and leaned forward. “Mom. I understand you want me to be taken care of. I do. And I appreciate your concern. But Daniel’s not the way to do it. I’m managing—working things out. It won’t be easy, but I’m going to make it work. You and Dad need to just let me do it.”
Jacqui was silent for a long moment, fiddling with her untouched coffee mug. Then she said, “I just don’t understand why you’d want to struggle when you don’t have to. When there are people who can give you so much.”
Lainey saw the puzzlement on her mother’s face and knew she truly didn’t understand. “It’s not that I want to struggle. It’s that I want to do something on my own. When you guys step in and try to take over you attach strings and conditions and you take the power away from me. It’s not mine, then. Being a single mother isn’t ideal. It will make everything a lot harder, to be sure. But that’s how it’s going to be, Mom. I can’t change that.” She took a deep breath and thought of Ben with a sharp pang. “If I ever get married it will be because I love the man, and because he loves and respects me for who I am—not who I come from or what I can do for him. Does that make sense?”
Jacqui clasped her hands tightly in front of her for a moment. Finally she lifted her chin. “Yes,” she said quietly. “It does. Does Ben know how you feel?”
Lainey dropped her gaze to her mug of tea. Her heart squeezed. “I don’t think so.”
Her mother pushed her mug out of the way and leaned toward her. “Then you need to tell him. Sooner rather than later. Why would you let him walk away?”
Lainey’s jaw actually dropped. “Mother...” she managed. “I— Whoa. I thought you were against Ben?”
Jacqui reached over and covered Lainey’s hand with her own. “We don’t want you to have to struggle when you have the opportunity to avoid it. But you need to be happy, too. It’s been so long—” She stopped for a moment, then sighed. “I love your father, even with all his faults. When you talk about Ben you light up. The way you defended him last night—well, you should have the chance to see where that leads you. I’m sorry for making it so difficult for you.”
It was quite possibly the first time her mother had ever really listened and actually heard what Lainey was saying. She got up and pulled her mother into an awkward hug, right there in Mel’s. Her mother’s quiet words were as good as Jacqui could do, and Lainey was willing to accept them as a start.
Her mother patted her awkwardly on the back. “Go get him,” she said, and Lainey’s eyes got damp. “And, please, if we can help let us know. I’ll try not to shove myself where I’ve got no business being.”
Lainey stepped back and laughed even as she swiped at her eyes. “Thank you.” Jacqui wouldn’t understand, but that was the nicest thing her mother had ever said to her.
“All right, then.” Her mother gathered her bag and her coat. “I mean it. If we can help with the shop and the baby let us know.”
“I will,” Lainey murmured. She didn’t want their help, if at all possible, but having it offered rather than rammed down her throat was a huge improvement. She tried and failed to picture her parents babysitting. The thought almost made her giggle. Maybe they’d come around.
She hurried back to work. Beth was ringing up a sale, but by the time Lainey got her coat off and went back out front was already heading for her. “How did it go?”
Lainey reached for the watering can. “It was fine, actually. She made an effort to listen to me. I’m not sure she understands why I feel the way I do, but she seems willing to accept it. It’s some small steps in the right direction.” She’d take the olive branch and hope it held. To have her parents work with her rather than at cross-purposes would make everything so much easier.
* * *
That evening was pizza night with Rose. Lainey was half tempted to cancel. She was so tired, and the thought of seeing Ben and simply exchanging polite words, pretending there’d never been more between them, was just too hard.
But she picked up the usual pizza and headed out. She’d do her best to put on a happy face.
Ben was nowhere to be found when she pulled in, and relief tempered with a good dose of disappointment flooded through her. She tried to push it all away. She was here for Rose only, and had been long before he’d come back. She would be long after he’d left again.
“Come on in!” Rose called when Lainey knocked.
She pus
hed the door open and fixed a smile on her face which faltered when she spotted Ben’s jacket draped over a chair. How far gone was she when the sight of a fleece could almost reduce her to tears? She busied herself putting the box on the counter and removing her own coat while making small talk. She thought she’d actually done pretty well until she sat across from Rose and looked at her sympathetic face.
“Oh, dear. You’ve got it that bad, huh?” Rose’s question was gentle.
Lainey couldn’t meet her friend’s eyes so she looked down at the slice of pizza she had zero interest in eating. Her answer stuck in her throat as if the words were glued there, and she was afraid if she tried to speak all her carefully rigged control would go right out the window.
The back door opened then, and Ben came in. Her gaze flew to his and Lainey would swear time stopped. Her breath caught at the pain and the longing she saw, which he quickly dropped behind the mask she was all-too familiar with. She looked away. She should have stayed home tonight. Rose would have understood.
“Pizza, Ben?” Rose’s voice was overly bright, and it seemed to bounce off the tension that filled the room.
“No, thanks.”
The deep rumble of his voice resonated deep in Lainey’s soul. Oh, did she have it bad. Rose didn’t know the half of it.
“I need this.”
The jacket whooshed off the chair next to her and Lainey squeezed her eyes shut tight when she caught a bit of his scent mixed with the fresh air notes that came from spending a lot of time outside. She didn’t dare look up until the door shut behind him.
Rose made a little noise of frustration in her throat. “Oh, my goodness, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a couple so right for each other work so hard to avoid it! Talk to him, Lainey. Please. Don’t let this get away. From either of you. You don’t want to regret it later.”
It wasn’t quite that simple. “Rose—”
Her friend leveled her with a gentle look. “Do you love him?”
Lainey sucked in a breath. “Yes. Yes, I do.” The answer was oh-so-easy, but not simple.
“He went back into the garage. Go to him. Please.” Rose looked at her with shrewd eyes. “Don’t waste anymore time. That little baby needs a daddy and Ben would be a wonderful one. Plus, not only does he need you—you need him.”
He needs you. Lainey didn’t know if that was true or not. If he needed her, how could he shut her out and hold her at arm’s length? Still, she found her feet carrying her out the door to the garage. Her heartbeat picked up the closer she got to the building. Was she crazy to lay it all on the line? She hadn’t come here intending to do so. Even though Rose was right. It was time. She couldn’t go on in this half-life. She had to know.
Ben looked up when she came in, and she caught the longing in his eyes before he shuttered it. “Hi.”
“Hey. How are you feeling?”
His voice was perfectly polite. She could almost see the force fields around him, trying to keep her at a safe distance. It hurt that after all they’d shared he could just lock her out.
“Okay.” It wasn’t a lie. Pregnancy-wise, she was. Otherwise, not so much.
He nodded, then met her gaze. “What do you need, Lainey?”
You. She took a deep breath and jumped in. “Can you tell me the rest of the story, Ben? About Jason?” Since everything seemed to hinge on his friend’s death, she needed to know.
He set down the tool he’d been holding. His hands were shaking slightly. “I told you the gist of it.”
“Yes, you did. But I don’t know what actually happened.” She moved a little closer. Her hands shook so badly she shoved them in the pockets of her coat. “I don’t know exactly why you blame yourself, because from what I’ve seen you aren’t so careless as to knowingly or intentionally lead another person into danger.”
He winced, raked a hand through his hair. “Lainey—”
She kept her gaze on him steady. Kept her voice calm and didn’t move any closer, so she wouldn’t spook him. “Ben, please. Let me in. We’ve got the potential here for something wonderful, and I’d love the chance at a future with you. But with this between us we can’t.” She couldn’t bring herself to ask if he wanted it, too. The very real chance of him saying no would destroy her.
“Don’t make me a better man than I am.” His words were harsh and he moved toward her, his gaze hard on hers.
She stood her ground as he stalked closer.
“I didn’t get the order. Somehow there was a breakdown in the chain and I didn’t get the order that the building was clear. As far as I knew there was one occupant left.” He stopped, took a shuddering breath. “I went in. Jason came in after me because he recognized the signs that the situation was deteriorating rapidly. He’d gotten the order. He knew he wasn’t supposed to go in.” He shut his eyes. “He came in anyway. For me. When he had so much to lose. He had everything to lose. His wife—Callie. Those kids.”
Lainey’s eyes burned at the bleakness in his voice and she didn’t even try to stop the tears. Now she got it. He blamed himself for living when his friend was dead. She came a little closer and rested her hand on his arm, feeling the tightness of the muscles beneath. He blinked at her, as if he’d forgotten she was there for a few moments, lost in his own private hell. “How can you blame yourself for Jason’s choice? What does his wife say?”
He froze and then looked away, his jaw working.
Her heart sank. “Oh, no. Ben. How can she blame you?”
Misery was etched on his face. “I don’t know if she does. I haven’t seen her or talked to her since—since the funeral. She’s called, but I haven’t called her back.”
Lainey inhaled sharply. “Ben, why not?”
He moved away from her, his movements agitated and jerky. “I can’t, okay? What if it’s the wrong thing to do?” He paused and drew in a ragged breath. “You didn’t see her at the funeral. She was so—lost. She’s been through so much already. I can’t make it worse for her. I can’t take that chance.”
She shook her head. “Okay, but who are you to decide what makes it worse for her? Ben, how can you possibly know? You’re a living link to Jason for her, for her kids. That’s so important. How can you leave them like that? Is that what he’d want?”
He turned around, propped his hands on his hips. “Lainey—”
She was too far in to back out now. “Go. Talk to her. See what she has to say so you can get some closure. If you can’t do that we don’t have a future. You don’t have a future as a firefighter, much less as a husband. You can’t punish yourself forever. You need to forgive yourself, and Jason as well. He didn’t give up his life so you could spend yours all alone.”
He opened his mouth, but snapped it shut when she steamrollered right over him.
“I love you. But if you can’t choose me—choose a life with me over your past—then we’ve got nowhere to go.”
She barely breathed as he stood in the middle of the garage and stared at her.
Finally he said in a low tone, “I can’t risk it, Lainey.”
Her heart shattered, the razor sharp edges of pain nearly bringing her to her knees. “Then you’re not the man I thought you were.”
It took everything she had to turn and walk away from the man she loved.
* * *
Ben stood frozen in the garage after Lainey had left. She had simply sailed out, her chin high, tear-tracks fresh on her beautiful face. He heard her car start, then the crunch of tires on the driveway.
The loss of her ripped through him. God, how could he be so damn stupid? He wanted nothing more than to go after her, tell her how much he loved her. But he couldn’t.
Because he was an idiot. What kind of man let the woman he loved walk away?
One whose past held him firmly in its snare. He knew that. He’d allowed i
t because it meant he was able to hide, somehow thinking that would make up for the loss of his friend. Worse, he’d used it as an excuse to cement the belief he was better off alone. That was inexcusable. Even though over the past few weeks he’d been busy falling for Lainey. She’d burst right through his defenses, made him feel, made him want, and while he’d convinced himself those were the last things he wanted she’d gotten in his heart anyway.
But if you can’t choose me—choose a life with me over your past—then we’ve got nowhere to go.
Her words echoed in his head. What kind of man chose to live in the past when the future hovered so brightly in front of him? Lainey wasn’t wrong. It was past time he paid Callie a visit. Set some things right and got closure. Maybe Jason’s widow needed it, too. And choosing to live his life and love Lainey seemed like a far better tribute to his friend’s memory than staying in the shadows for the rest of his days.
Then he’d see if he could have a true future with Lainey. She deserved all of him—not some damaged shell. He’d prove he could move on. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, took a deep breath, and dialed a familiar number.
* * *
Beth came in and plunked down a small bakery bag. “Cheesecake muffin. Because I’m pretty sure you haven’t eaten yet.”
Lainey winced. “I’m trying, Beth. I’m just not very hungry.”
Her friend nudged the bag closer. “I know, honey. But you’ve got to feed that baby.”
Lainey managed a smile. “I know that. And I am.” Mostly. Lainey opened the bag. Her appetite hadn’t been stellar since her first conversation with Ben about Jason, and had virtually disappeared after their confrontation in the garage two days ago. He’d made his choice. It wasn’t her.
So it was over before it really had a chance to begin.