by Meghan March
Life is short.
Eat the cake.
Buy the shoes.
Fuck the guy.
You notice I didn’t say marry him, though, right?
I love you, girl. More than any sister I could possibly have, because we probably would’ve fought over Barbies like little bitches.
Please, keep living. Don’t let this steal the joy I want for your life.
Your BFF (and if you replace me, I’ll haunt you),
Benjie
Kat held it together until they sat the casket on the framework that would lower it into the ground. She rushed out of the crowd of people, lilies in hand, and threw herself over it, sobbing loudly enough to be heard in the next county.
“No! Why would you do this to us?”
Stepping forward, I peeled her off the casket and held her in my arms, urging her to return to our seats. Once there, I pulled her onto my lap.
Kat didn’t hear a word anyone else said because she was lost in her own grief. Whether it was all for Benjie or she was reliving the loss of her mom, I didn’t know, but it didn’t matter.
I carried her to the car, hoping my strength could keep her together, but inside I was shredded, knowing that I had another funeral to attend this week.
I had to tell her. It was time to come clean.
But when we got home, Kat shut herself in our room and sobbed for four hours. I sat on the bed, silently smoothing her hair for three of those hours until she picked up her head.
“I’m so sorry, baby. He came and saw me a couple months ago, and I had no idea.”
“He should’ve told me! It’s not fair. Why are all the good people taken too soon?”
Her words tore through me because I was feeling the same thing.
“What can I do?”
She shook her head. “Nothing. I want to be alone. Just leave me alone.”
So I left her alone for the rest of the night, against my better judgment.
And the next day.
When I brought her food, she screamed at me to get out. Leave her alone. Told me there was nothing I could do.
The next day, she dragged herself out of bed, her tears dry and her titanium spine tempered and stiffened. Any pieces to pick up had been swept behind the wall she built.
“Don’t you need to go to work?” she asked as she stood in the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee.
“I’m not going until I know you’re okay.”
Kat met my gaze, her expression completely blank. “I’m fine. You don’t need to babysit me anymore. I’m sure you have better things to do with your time.” Her tone was cold and lifeless as she stirred in a spoonful of sugar. This wasn’t the woman I knew, but everyone dealt with grief in different ways.
“Kat—”
“Stop.” The single word snapped through the kitchen like a bullwhip. “I need you to give me space. I’m handling this the only way I know how. So I’m going to get dressed, go to the office, and try to figure out what normal is again.”
There was nothing I wanted more than to figure out what my normal was too. The life I’d lived, the one I’d never told her about, had shattered while I was sitting in an airport, watching from afar as the man who had taken my place died along with two innocents.
“Are you sure?”
Kat gave me a swift nod. “Completely. Do what you need to do. I’ll be fine.”
What I really needed was to tell my wife about the double life I’d been living, and the hell I was going through that she couldn’t see. But I didn’t. She was barely holding it together, and I was afraid one more thing would break her.
More than anything, I wanted Kat whole and healthy, and if keeping my pain locked down for a little while longer helped her, I’d do it. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
I walked out of the kitchen to get my suitcase and book a flight to another funeral.
One that wouldn’t be taking place if not for me.
Chapter 10
Kat
Present day
On the bed in our little overwater bungalow, in Dane’s arms, I let the waves of grief and regret, sorrow and pain, wash over me. Every breath comes easier now that I’ve gotten it out.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t you dare apologize for any of it.” Dane’s tone is determined.
“But—”
“But nothing. You dragged yourself out of the dark and proved what an amazing and strong woman you are. There’s not a damn thing to be sorry about.”
“I closed down. Shut you out. I ruined us before we’d barely gotten started.”
Dane pulls back and looks at me. “We’re right here. We might be drifting, but we’re not done yet.” He releases his hold and wipes my tears away again. “You’re the most determined woman I’ve ever met. If you’re not giving up, then we’ve got a fighting chance. I just need to know that you’re going to fight. I need to know that we’re worth it to you. I can’t do this by myself.”
We’re not done yet.
They’re the words I need to hear. I drop my forehead onto his shoulder and wrap my arms around his neck. For the first time in a long time, I feel the connection between us again.
“I’ve missed you,” I whisper.
“I’ve missed you too, baby.”
I soak in his strength for long minutes before I gather myself, a kind of relief filling me that I haven’t felt . . . maybe ever.
I open my mouth to say something else, but a growl from my stomach fills the room. He trails a finger down my cheek and smiles in a way that’s softer, not typical of Dane.
“Finish getting ready so we can feed you. I’m not about to let my woman go hungry.” He presses a kiss to my forehead and I rise from the bed.
I turn away before I squeeze my eyes shut at the words my woman. My husband has always been a man of few words, and those words have never included my woman.
They give me a renewed sense of hope that maybe this is fixable, and I haven’t screwed up our marriage to the point of no return.
“I just need a few more minutes.”
“Take as long as you need.”
Chapter 11
Dane
I lead the way out of the cabana and follow the directions we were given to the restaurant. Even if I didn’t know which way to turn, I could simply follow the scent of grilled fish and find it. I’ve missed simple island cooking.
“This place is amazing.”
Kat’s voice is quiet just ahead of me as she pauses on the wooden path in front of the building housing the main restaurant for the island. I read the specials that our host told us about listed on a chalkboard. She turns around, the strands of hair that escaped her messy bun blowing in the breeze.
“You look beautiful, Kat.”
How long has it been since I said those words to her? The fact that I can’t remember slugs me in the gut.
It drives home the point that we’ve both played a role in fucking this up. There’s plenty of blame to go around, and she doesn’t have a monopoly on it.
“Thank you.” Her response is quiet, and the small smile on her lips doesn’t disguise the look of surprise.
Yeah, I’ve fucked up plenty.
“Welcome to Sweet Water Grill! We’re happy to have you on the island with us today!” An excited voice comes from just inside the building, and a tall black man steps out wearing tan pants and a purple shirt with the Sweet Water Resort logo on the pocket.
“Thank you. We’re happy to be here.” As ever, Kat is polite and kind to strangers.
“Come in, come in. I’m Andreas, the restaurant manager, bartender, and many other things during low season.” He waves us along as he keeps talking. “Did you see the specials? We’ve got chipotle snapper filet, and also fresh lobster tail grilled with tequila and lime butter.”
Andreas leads us into the restaurant, which is a large octagonal room with a vaulted ceiling and wooden beams overhead, topped with a thatched roof about twenty f
eet above us that gives it an open feel. Rattan globes of different sizes hang from the exposed beams to provide an intimate glow.
Andreas stops at a prime table overlooking the back side of the island. Other than the three of us, it appears the restaurant is completely empty.
“Are we the only ones eating tonight?” Kat asks.
Andreas looks somewhat surprised by her question. “You’re the only ones here at the moment. It’s low season right now. Didn’t they tell you? We were supposed to have another couple this afternoon, but they’ve had some kind of delay.”
Kat looks at me with a silent did you realize?
I shake my head. Although I knew it was low season, I didn’t realize there was a chance we’d be the only ones here.
It’s actually the perfect setup. No interruptions while we figure out how to start over.
“A private island all to ourselves. It really does seem like paradise.”
Andreas laughs, and the sound fills the room. “It is paradise. Do you know what you would like to drink? I’ll get you something while you decide what you’d like for dinner.”
I look down at the menu clipped to a bamboo board. “A Belikin would be great.”
Andreas claps. “Excellent. I can certainly do that.” His attention turns to Kat. “And for you, my lovely lady?”
“I’ll have another of the Purple Rain drinks that I had earlier. It was delicious. Very island-paradise appropriate.”
“Perfect. Perfect. I’ll get those both for you.”
Andreas returns to the polished bamboo bar before pulling out a glass and mixing Kat’s drink. I shift my attention back to her, but Kat’s gaze is on the menu.
“I’m surprised you’re reading the menu. I was willing to bet you would pick the lobster.”
Her head jerks up, and a smile plays at the corner of her mouth. “You think you’ve got me all figured out?”
There’s a hint of teasing in her words, and it gives me a sense of relief that she’s not reverting to the stiff and serious demeanor she adopted earlier today. I want the playful and fun Kat I used to have again.
“Parts of you. The rest . . . I’ve got the perfect opportunity to reacquaint myself.” She can’t miss the innuendo in my tone, and I wonder if it’s going to put her off. I’m happy that it doesn’t.
“You do need to reacquaint yourself. But you’re right on the lobster.” She drops the menu so it lands on the table with a slap. “I’m getting it. As a matter of fact, I’m going to eat lobster until I can’t eat lobster anymore. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”
“Is that right?”
She nods seriously. “Who knows when I might get another chance to sit on a private island and eat lobster that probably came from a hundred feet away?”
“Well, hell, if you eat the kitchen out of its supply, I’ll have to catch you some myself.”
Her blue eyes widen.
“What? Don’t think I can?”
“I know you can fish. We’ve done that.” Kat’s referring to the time we went deep-sea fishing in the Bahamas one weekend. “I don’t know about lobster catching.”
There are a hell of a lot of things Kat has never seen me do, like rappel down a cliff or jump out of a plane. I kept it all from her, but I think it’s time to start filling her in on exactly who I am.
Tragedy might have forced us both to build walls, but over the rest of our days here, we’re going to knock them down, brick by brick.
“So, what’re you gonna give me if I go out tomorrow morning and catch you a lobster?”
Her brows lift, and her eyes take on a mischievous glint. “Give you? You think you need some kind of incentive?”
I lean forward with my elbows on the table. “When the incentive is a gorgeous blonde I want more than my next breath, I think there’s a good chance I could rise to the challenge.”
Surprise flashes across her face, taking the place of her playful expression for a moment, but she pulls it back in place. “I think we could work out something.”
Andreas chooses that moment to return with our drinks. “Now, do you know what you’d like for dinner? If so, I’ll send over your server. And if you’d like any ceviche to start, I can get that for you right away.”
Kat’s eyes light up at the word ceviche. Raw seafood or fish mixed with lime juice, tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and some other stuff that allows the juices to “cook” the fish isn’t my thing, but Kat loves it. She goes nuts over sushi, and this is the closest thing in the Caribbean.
“We’ll take some. Just for her.”
He nods with a smile. “Indeed. I’ll send it over with Eduardo.”
After a bad experience in Honduras with that stuff, I’ve never touched it again. But Kat doesn’t know that story because it’s another part of the life I’ve kept hidden from her.
Kat has confessed everything she was keeping from me, which means I need to figure out how the hell to tell my wife she’s not the only one who’s been hiding things since the day we met.
Chapter 12
Kat
“You don’t want to try the ceviche?” I ask. Dane’s fairly adventurous when it comes to food, so his absolute refusal shocks me.
“I’m good.”
Have I mentioned my husband is stubborn as hell about some things?
“Even though we’re literally in the middle of the ocean and it’s the freshest you’ll probably ever have?”
He shakes his head and opens his mouth to speak, but a short, dark-skinned man comes to the table bearing the dish that’s the subject of our contention.
“Ma’am, sir. I’ll be your server this evening. My name is Eduardo.”
“Thank you, Eduardo.” I reach for a chip and dunk it into the deliciousness to take a bite. I shoot Dane a look. “Amazing.”
“Excellent. Excellent. Now, what can I get you for your main course?”
“I’ll take the snapper filet, and my beautiful wife will have the lobster,” Dane says, ordering for us both.
“Wonderful. We’ll have it out as soon as we can. The fishermen dropped both the lobster and snapper off only a few hours ago as they were going in for the day. They dive for the lobster all around the coral heads here.”
Dane raises one eyebrow in a look that says told you I could catch one close by, and I make an oh really face of challenge in return. It feels so good to have this easiness between us again.
I smooth my face into a normal expression before responding. “Thank you so much, Eduardo.”
Someone, likely Andreas, turns on the stereo, and reggae music comes to life in the background.
“So, are you going to become Dane Cross, great lobster hunter, in the morning?”
“Why not? I’m pretty sure you’d like it.”
“It would definitely be impressive.” I laugh and pick up my drink to take a sip. “You did a great job picking this place. How did you even find it?”
“Arianna.” He says the name like I should know who Arianna is.
“Arianna? Who’s that?”
Some of that easiness filters away as the smile fades from Dane’s face. “The woman who works in my office. Has worked in my office for over nine months now.”
A creeping wave of guilt sweeps through me. This is something I should probably know.
“Um . . . did you mention her before?”
Dane leans forward over the table. “More than once. After you, she’s basically the most important woman in my life.”
I stiffen, not liking how that sounds or how it makes me feel. Arianna. She sounds young. Probably beautiful.
I reach for my drink and suck back a sip. Then another, just because. I set it down, and defensiveness closes around me like a shield.
“I remember you were going to hire someone to answer phones and things. I assumed you hired an older retired woman like you mentioned. Not someone who sounds like she was probably a college cheerleader.”
Where did that come from?
“Actually, I’m
pretty sure she was a gymnast back in Israel, but gave it up when she came to the States for grad school.”
“Israel?” Given my limited number of Israeli acquaintances, all I can picture is the actress who played Ziva David in NCIS, draping herself over my husband’s desk at night while they strategize about . . . whatever the hell import brokers do.
Arianna.
Great.
“Yes.”
His nonchalant answer has me sharpening my gaze on him. “I think I would’ve remembered if you’d mentioned that detail.”
Dane shrugs like it’s no big deal when it’s a very big deal. “It wasn’t relevant.”
It wasn’t relevant. Seriously?
“She sounds a little overqualified to be answering your phones.”
He shakes his head. “Her job is more complicated than that. Actually, I’ve been wanting to tell you—”
His words are cut off when Eduardo returns to our table with another round of drinks. I look down at the Purple Rain I’ve been sipping, and surprise trickles through me when I realize it’s empty.
“I know you were enjoying having the place all to yourselves, but it appears we do have another couple joining us shortly. It seems their delay was resolved.”
Dane tips back the remainder of his beer and hands the empty bottle to Eduardo. “Thanks for letting us know.”
He looks at the mostly full bowl of ceviche in front of me. “Is it not to your liking, ma’am?”
“Oh, definitely not that. I’m sorry. We just got to talking, and I was so caught up in the conversation, I didn’t even remember to take a bite.”
“Good. Good. I just wanted to make sure there was nothing wrong with the food.” He turns to Dane. “Are you sure I can’t get you an appetizer, sir? You know this is an all-inclusive, so there’s no additional cost.”
Of course Dane would know, because he’s the one who booked the trip based on Arianna’s suggestion.
“Do you have guacamole?”
Eduardo nods enthusiastically. “Of course. I’ll get some for you. It comes with plantain chips. Is that acceptable?”