Justin didn’t have time to respond before Sofia came running up to them, wearing an oversized T-shirt displaying the cartoon mascot of a nearby minor league baseball team. “Miss Maddie, Mr. Justin, did you hear? I’m going to be playing T-Ball with Aiden.”
Justin tensed and pulled his arm away from Maddie. His lips pursed into a straight line and a deep vee formed between his eyebrows.
She jumped in quickly to explain her idea to Justin before he got the wrong idea. “Each of the leagues agreed to sponsor kids from the group home to play on their teams. The kids don’t get those opportunities without families to pay the entry fee. They were thrilled to participate and the kids couldn’t be more excited.”
Justin didn’t respond, the twitching muscle in his jaw the only sign of his growing frustration. But Maddie wasn’t about to let Sofia think that Justin wasn’t happy about the idea. She crouched down and looked Sofia in the eye. “I think that’s great, honey. I checked with Mrs. Harrison and you can come over after we’re done here and play with Aiden in the backyard.”
“Yippee. I’m gonna run and tell Aiden now.” Sofia dashed off.
“He’s in the moon bounces,” Maddie yelled behind the little girl. Her heart grew every time she spoke with Sofia, spent any time with her, building a relationship she’d never thought possible. For all of the heartbreak Sofia had suffered early in life, the little girl had such a positive outlook and Maddie couldn’t help but smile when she was around her. Maddie couldn’t wait to make their arrangement more permanent.
But clearly Justin had other ideas. He’d been so happy just a few minutes ago, and now he’d retreated back into his shell. “What’s wrong, Justin?”
He stared at her and started to respond when a woman and her son walked up. Justin guided them to another section of the tent, answering their questions. All the while, Maddie tagged along, waiting for another chance to get to the bottom of what had gotten Justin so all-fired mad. He finally guided the customer through making their decision and directed them toward Barbara.
“Justin, please talk to me.”
“Not now, Maddie.” His terse words contained none of the happiness that she’d seen when she first arrived. If he had such a negative reaction to Sofia, she wasn’t sure this was going to work out. She refused to bring that little girl into a situation with someone resentful of her.
She opened her mouth to respond, but another man grabbed Justin’s attention. For the next ten minutes, she felt like a rejected puppy, following behind Justin, hoping for scraps. Each time he got a break from a customer, she would touch his arm or attempt to get him to discuss what was bothering him. And each time Justin rejected her, his expression grew stormier.
She’d finally had enough. “So is this what we’re back to now? You not talking to me about what you’re pissed off about. I thought we were beyond this.”
Justin gritted his teeth together and hissed words out between them, barely above a whisper. “You want to talk. Fine, let’s talk. Why didn’t you tell me about what you were planning with the group home?”
So that was what this was about. She wished she’d had a chance to discuss the sponsorship program with him. But there had been so many particulars to go over on Thursday and then they had gotten derailed talking about their marriage. At the time, that conversation had been more important than making sure he knew every detail about today. Guess she was wrong on that count. “You have a problem with involving foster kids in sports?”
He raked his fingers through his hair and lowered his head so his face was barely above hers. “Christ, Maddie, of course I don’t have a problem with that. What in the hell do you think we’re doing here today? Getting kids involved with sports. This is so much more than that.”
“Aiden didn’t have a problem with Sofia joining his team when I talked to him.”
Justin threw his hands in the air. “You mean to tell me you discussed this with Aiden before me?”
Tears sprang to Maddie’s eyes. She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, being sensitive to Aiden’s feelings before she suggested anything with Sofia. But the fact that Justin had raised his voice, around other people, was a sign that she had screwed up big time. More than one customer looked their way as Justin turned his back on her. If she knew him, which she wondered right now if she did, he was counting to ten, regaining his control before he said something he regretted. She’d always appreciated his ability to organize his thoughts and carry on a rational conversation, even when he was upset or angry. If only she could muster some of that strength right about now.
Justin motioned toward Izzy. When his sister stepped up to his side, he whispered something to her. As soon as she nodded, Justin wrapped his hand around Maddie’s arm and steered her out of the tent.
He didn’t say a word, his breaths measured and his steps furious. She hurried to keep up with him as he led her up the hill and behind one of the large trees that lined the park. He still hadn’t said anything else, and not knowing what he was thinking had her stomach tying itself in knots.
When he finally released her arm, his chest was heaving like he’d been exerting himself. He paced away from her a moment then turned back, his fiery gaze locked on hers.
Maddie threw her hands out. “What?” He’d dragged her out here, the least he could do was talk to her. If she understood what had upset him, she could fix it. At least she hoped she could.
“Do you really not know?” Her puzzled look must have convinced him, because he continued. “It’s starting all over again.”
“What is?”
“On Thursday, when you wanted to talk about the future of our marriage, we agreed to get through the event today and then we’d talk.”
Like she could forget. She’d been looking forward to their conversation ever since Thursday, and the thought of him moving back home tonight had her spending a few extra minutes putting on her makeup and fluffing her hair. And the way he’d greeted her told her he’d been looking forward to tonight, too.
“And I miss Aiden. I’ve been so swamped this week that I haven’t had much time with him. I thought we could hang out together after we’re done here.”
“That’s perfect. You can play catch with Aiden and Sofia. Aiden will love that.”
He pointed at her. “This. That’s what you’re doing. You’re directing all your attention to Sofia and not anyone else.”
“I don’t think I’m focusing too much on Sofia at all. The little girl has no one. Spending time with her, paying attention to her, gives her hope that she isn’t alone in this world.” Like Maddie had felt all those nights while her mom worked.
Justin wrung his fingers through his hair again. “Did you even remember that we were going to talk?”
“Of course I remembered. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since Thursday. It’s all I want.”
“Obviously not all, if you’ve already invited Sofia over.”
“I didn’t think having one meant not having the other. When Wanda presented me with the opportunity, I jumped. You like Sofia so I didn’t think it would be a problem.”
“That’s the problem. You don’t think. We should be deciding this together. You’re moving too fast for me. I haven’t had a chance to catch my breath and here you are making more plans. It’s starting to feel like it did when we were trying to get pregnant.”
Oof. Justin’s words struck her like a punch in the gut. This was completely different “I can’t believe you’re comparing Sofia to the months of disappointment when I couldn’t get pregnant. This is a living, breathing girl who needs a home. I want to give her that.”
“What if I’m not sure?”
Maddie’s heart wrenched. He’d said he’d think about it. “You don’t want us to become foster parents for Sofia?”
“I didn’t say that” He rested both hands on her shoulders. “I need you to really listen to me. I said I’m not sure. I need more time to think through everything and you pulling things like th
is isn’t helping. I wanted to talk to you, really talk about everything, from our relationship to the possibility of a more formal arrangement with Sofia. Instead, you keep pushing and making decisions that affect all of us without including me. And you’re getting your own, and this little girl’s, hopes up for something that may not happen.”
A tear pooled in the corner of her eye but she blinked it back. She extended a trembling hand, to comfort him or herself, she wasn’t sure. But it didn’t matter because Justin stepped away from her.
She sucked in a breath and squared her shoulders. She was stronger than this. She wasn’t going to break down, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over her head like she had each month when she failed to get pregnant.
She wasn’t that woman anymore.
“I told Wanda from the beginning that I was willing to go at this alone. Maybe that’s what I need to do. There are no restrictions against being a single foster parent.” She didn’t want that. Not for one minute. This was something she’d envisioned the two of them doing together, arm in arm, nurturing Aiden and Sofia and any other kids they chose to bring into their family, however that happened. But maybe showing Justin how committed she was to Sofia, regardless of what happened in their marriage, would convince him to give this serious thought. It would at least show her where his priorities were.
“Maybe you should. You’ve been doing that to this point anyway.”
The tears she had been holding back sprang free now. She hadn’t expected Justin to call her bluff so easily. She only wanted him to see the upside of what she already knew. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I want to do at all. I want you beside me, raising our family together. I thought I was helping—getting through the logistics and procedures before bothering you. You’ve had so much going on recently with the store, the event, meeting your sister Rachel. I didn’t want to bother you with details that didn’t matter. The important thing, getting to know Sofia and deciding whether you want her in our life, was never something I planned to leave you out of. It’s no problem—I’ll tell Wanda that tonight doesn’t work. We’ll go home. I’ll make dinner and we’ll talk. Anything and everything you want to discuss. Let’s put it all on the table and get it out in the open. We’ve been so close recently and I know I’ve jeopardized that.”
Justin was shaking his head before she even finished. “Don’t do that. You’ve already told Sofia, and the last thing I want to do is upset a little girl who has had so much disappointment in her life already. I just need some time.”
Justin’s gaze locked with Maddie’s, and for a long time, neither of them spoke. He finally drew in a deep breath. “I have to get back. This has been a really great event. I don’t think I’ve thanked you enough for that.”
And then he walked away, leaving her to figure out how she had screwed everything up so badly again.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Justin spun the empty glass sitting on the coffee table. He couldn’t bring himself to open the bottle beside it and pour the amber-colored liquid into the glass. He’d been staring at these two objects since he slammed his way into the cottage at the end of Sports Day.
After his blowup with Maddie, he’d retreated to the confines of the tent, knowing that Maddie wouldn’t follow. She knew better than to press him when he was angry like that—leaving him alone would give him a chance to cool off.
Justin raked his fingers through his hair. Damn, he was just like his father. Growing up, Justin had always told his sisters to steer clear of their dad when he was raging. Just give him time to calm down.
He spun the empty glass again. What in the hell happened today? When he woke up this morning, he’d felt good about the day ahead. He was happy about the uptick in business that Sports Day had created, even before the actual event. Things with Maddie were better than they’d been in a while. Long before he’d finally mustered the courage to suggest they separate. He’d even planned on telling her that he would sign the papers to start the foster parent process.
And then Maddie went and made plans without him. Again. When he heard her talking to Sofia, suggesting that she come over to the house, without consulting him, he’d barely contained his retort. Even after all this time, Maddie didn’t understand him. Hadn’t she learned anything about him in all their years of marriage?
After he’d had a chance to calm down, he admitted to himself that their argument had very little to do with Sofia and everything to do with his feeling out of control in his own life. The entire time she was obsessing over getting pregnant, he’d had little input over their sex life, only having sex when she thought it was a good time. She might not be solely focused on getting pregnant anymore, but she’d just transferred that tunnel vision to Sofia. All he wanted was a chance to be involved in the decisions that affected his life. That wasn’t too much to ask.
The front door swung open and Izzy pranced into the cottage. No knock. Nothing. “I figured I’d find you here.”
Great, he didn’t have any control at home, either, people walking into his house as they pleased. But this wasn’t really his home. His home was across town. With Maddie. Before heading out to Sports Day, he’d packed his bags, planning to tell Maddie he was ready to move back home. The bags were still packed but he wasn’t sure what to do. “I don’t want to talk right now.”
“Too bad. You’ve supported me and this whole family for your entire life. You’ve been there for us and now I’m going to be here for you…”
His heart lifted to know he had his family behind him.
“… even when you’re being an idiot.”
“What?”
Izzy sank onto the couch beside him, her gaze landing on the bottle. She asked an unspoken question with her eyes and he just shook his head. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes, like she was trying to decide the best way to tell him how he had screwed everything up. “Now that things have calmed down a bit, we can talk. I know you’re upset. What is it? I thought you liked Sofia. And it’s been a long time since I’ve seen Maddie as happy as she has been the past few weeks.”
“I do like Sofia. And I agree, I’ve seen the change in Maddie, too. I’d like to think that I had at least some part in her transformation.” He smirked at Izzy. Leave it to her to get him out of his funk.
Izzy nudged his shoulder with hers. “I’m sure you did. So what happened?”
“She didn’t talk to me before she got Sofia assigned to Aiden’s T-Ball team. And then she invited Sofia over, right in front of me.”
Izzy sighed. “Yeah, that’s not good, but you need to get past how annoyed you are with her methods and concentrate on the core issue. Did you disagree with either of those decisions?”
Sure, he’d argued that he wanted time to talk to Maddie but having Sofia over wouldn’t have changed that. They wouldn’t have discussed the important topics until Aiden went to bed anyway. So did he really need to get so upset over what amounted to a lack of communication? “In concept, no. I think it’s a good idea to make sure Sofia fits in before we finalize being her foster parents.” Justin had talked to Izzy about Maddie’s plans after their tense dinner last weekend. Izzy had been thrilled by the idea of bringing Sofia into their family but understood his need to think about a decision that important. “But what if this is like her getting pregnant? What if she starts obsessing and that’s the only thing she can talk about or think about?”
“That could be. But isn’t that something the two of you can work on together? It’s kinda hard to do that when you’re here and she’s there, don’t you think?”
Of course it would be easier to deal with problems if they were together. But what if things went back to the way they were before he moved out, his anger on a hair trigger? “I was so pissed at her today. I was afraid I’d say something wrong.”
“You think other couples don’t get angry with each other? There are some days I’m so mad at Tanner that I can’t stand to look at him. Sometimes it’s an important issue, and we need to st
op and talk about it, but other times, it’s just stupid, like him dropping his T-shirts just short of the hamper or not putting the peanut butter back in the pantry. But both of us know that we need to take a step back and realize that it can all be worked out. And the bottom line is that I still love him.” She grinned at Justin. “And then there’s the makeup sex…”
He mocked covering his ears with his hands. “Stop. I do not want to hear that about my baby sister.”
He had to admit that Izzy had a point. The sex with Maddie recently, when they’d been focused on each other and their emotions were running high, was some of the best they’d had in their marriage.
“I know you’re worried about being like Dad, but you couldn’t be more different from him. You’ve always protected us, even when we were little. Dad was unhappy and bitter for most of our lives. You are nothing like that.”
Justin didn’t respond. They’d argued about this several times. Izzy didn’t understand that Justin didn’t even want to reach the point where he could possibly act like their father. And the thought of bringing Sofia into an environment where he could rage like Dad had him shuddering.
“Are you gonna let Dad ruin your life because you can’t let go of the fear that you’ll be just like him? You’ve helped Maddie find herself again, and she can help you let go of some of that control that you hold onto like a vise for fear of blowing up. That is, if you’re able to get your head out of your ass and stop arguing about stupid stuff. Maddie can’t help it. When she gets excited about an idea, she runs with it. If you stop and pay attention for a minute, you’d see that you guys agree more than you don’t. And if you find a way to be together that doesn’t stifle her enthusiasm and gives you the control you need, you’ll be just fine.”
Izzy didn’t say anything else. She didn’t have to. She’d made her point. She rested her hand on Justin’s knee for a minute and then left him alone to think. Of course she was right. Justin had been ready to take the next step with Sofia, to move back home, before Maddie had sprung this on him. What did getting angry about not knowing the exact details of the plans change about his feelings?
Chasing Hope Page 22