“Okay…”
Ryder yawned and stretched his arms into the air. He wrapped one of them around me as he brought them back down. I suppressed a giggle.
He totally didn’t just do that, I thought. He really is nervous, but what about?
I forced myself to watch the movie and not Cade, who started to pace the room. It felt nice to be near someone warm and alive, but it didn’t feel as right as it did when I was in Cade’s arms. Why couldn’t I just go for the one who I should be with? The guy who cared about me and didn’t have one bad bone in his body? The one who was alive and the right choice to make?
When the movie ended, Ryder let go of me and finally spoke. “Briar—”
“And he speaks.”
“I want to talk to you about the ghosts.”
“Yea, go ahead.”
“Do you think that they are watching us?”
My heart dropped. Yes, definitely watching us. “No, why?”
“It’s just, that I feel like they are. Like they aren’t happy we are spending time together.”
“That’s silly. Do you see any ghosts?” I asked and motioned around the room.
“Funny, Briar, really funny,” Cade commented.
Ryder shook his head. “No, but I feel them. Don’t you?”
“No, I just think you want to feel them and that’s why you think you do.”
“But that video…” He stood up and began to gather his movies.
I thought back to the video he’d shown of the girl at my party.
“Well, that video was really creepy, but I don’t know what it was.” There was no way I was telling him about Cade; he would freak out. Besides, he couldn’t have been the one to possess that girl because he was with me the whole time.
“I just don’t want you to end up getting hurt here.”
I stood up and walked toward the door with him on my heels. “I’ll be fine. I stay here alone all the time.”
“You can always call me if you need someone, you know that right?”
“I know, but I’m not afraid of this place.” I opened the door, and we stepped onto the porch.
“Well if you do, ya know, get scared or something, I can keep you company.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
He reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear as he smiled at me. “Please do. You don’t always have to be the tough one.”
I stepped back out of his reach but gave him a small smile. He’d tried his best to make the night good, and it had been, but it had also made me realize what I needed to. I couldn’t let him kiss me goodnight; it wouldn’t be right.
His smile faltered, but he didn’t ask questions. “Have a good night, Briar.”
“Thanks, Ryder. I had a good time.”
“Me too. See you in class on Monday.”
I nodded and watched him walk to his truck. Once he was safely inside, I closed the door and walked back to the living room. I gathered up the pillows and blankets. After putting them away, I went to my room.
Cade was there and had planted himself in the middle of my bed. I took a seat on the comforter with him but kept my distance.
“You know, it would probably be better if you just stayed away…”
His face fell and it broke my heart in two. I didn’t want to get mixed back up in his confusing fucked up world, but I wasn’t sure I had the choice anymore.
“I can’t stay away, Briar. Especially when you are bringing other guys into the house. I don’t know what you want me to do. I can’t take back my past.”
“I just need you to leave.”
“I can’t.”
“Cade—”
“I just want things to go back to how they used to be. Like they were at the Halloween party.”
“You mean when I didn’t really like you?”
His lips curved into a smile. “You liked me. You were intrigued by me; you just didn’t want to admit it.”
I couldn’t help but smile in return. We had to address the real issue, the one that would keep us apart.
“Cade, this can’t really ever work out. We can’t really be together…”
“Because of my past?”
“No, mostly because you’re dead.”
Cade grabbed my hands and gave them a squeeze. “You can feel me, can’t you? I feel alive.”
“But you’re not.”
“No, but if I could take back what I did, I would. Because then I could have you.”
“But you can’t take that back.” I tried to pull my hands from his, but he wouldn’t let go. I didn’t want to give in so easily, but his cold skin against mine felt so right. Nothing could replace the happiness of when Cade was around. No matter how hard I’d fought it.
“Maybe not…”
“You’re dead, Cade, I’m not. There is only one way to rectify that situation.” Sarcasm dripped from my words. There was no way I was willing to end my life, but he needed to understand the seriousness of the situation. “Since there’s no way to bring you back to life, I would have to die.”
“No!” He jumped to his feet and paced back and forth. “I won’t let you do that.”
“Then we’ll burn the house down!” I stood up and walked to where he was.
He grabbed me by the arms and held them down at my sides. “You have lost your mind. What do you think would happen to me if you did that?”
“It could free you…”
“Or destroy me.”
“So, what exactly did you have in mind when you decided to make me fall for you?” I blurted out as I pulled away from him and crossed my arms. I couldn’t take it back, and the shock on his face showed just how well I had hidden it from him. He’d tried to convince me all along, and I knew it deep inside; I just hadn’t wanted to accept it. I was terrified of love. I wanted nothing to do with it, but I couldn’t seem to stop it from happening.
“I—I didn’t think that far. You fascinated me. I didn’t think you’d actually get feelings for me.”
“Well, I did.”
“Do you regret it?” He took a step closer to me.
I paused. “I…I don’t know.”
He grasped my face with his hands and kissed me; the familiar dull pain of my new piercing flooded me. I reached up to touch his hands, wanting to remove them. It was too soon. But he deepened the kiss, sending chills down my spine, and I wrapped my arms around him. Despair poured through his kisses as his tongue danced with mine. His cool lips moved with mine in a perfect familiar rhythm.
I pulled back and looked up at him. “I need you to tell my why you…why you did that. I need to understand.”
He leaned over and rested his forehead on mine. “I’ve never been normal, Briar. I’ve always been wrong somehow. Ever since I can remember. I don’t know why. I didn’t want to tell you anything about my past because I didn’t want you to think of me as less of a man because I killed myself. I felt like a hypocrite because I’d done the one thing I’d told you a thousand times not to do—hurt yourself.”
“You should’ve told me.”
“How could I tell you that? I’m dark, there’s evil in me, and I reveled in it until I saw you. I didn’t care about anyone else. I just used them for my own devices until you.”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing that special about me.”
“But there is! You have a family that loves you. I never had that. Mine knew there was something wrong with me. They were always worried I’d do something insane. Your family is your safe place. I lost mine.”
“What was your safe place?”
“This house. At least I thought so. One night, my parents sat me down and said they were getting a divorce. Mom and I were moving out of the house. I lost whatever sense of right and wrong I had left. Finally I was empty. Completely empty. They couldn’t take me from the house. They just couldn’t.”
I stifled a cry. An overwhelming sense of sadness came over me as he spoke, and my own pain echoed back in his words. I understoo
d the pain of losing what was secure. “My parents divorced too. Right before my mother killed herself.”
“Then she might understand me…why I did it.” He took my hands in his. “Briar, I’m not saying I deserve you. I know I don’t. But I’m too selfish to let you go. I need you here with me, no matter the consequences. Life has never felt so real until you walked through that door.”
“I’m so sorry…for what happened to you.” I moved closer to him. “I can understand your pain. I get that.”
“I think that’s a yes? We can be friends again?”
“Let’s call it tolerating.”
He laughed, knowing as well as I did that “tolerating” wouldn’t last long. I hadn’t even been able to stay upset with him for more than a few days.
My phone clicked as if someone turned it on and music flowed through the room. Cade smiled down at me. “Your favorite, right?”
“Show off.”
“You already know, why hide it?”
“This doesn’t mean that everything is perfect again. You have to gain my trust back.”
“I will do everything I can to do that. I haven’t shown myself to anyone since I’ve died. There’s something about you, Briar. We have a connection; I know you feel it.” He leaned in to press his lips against mine, but I pulled back.
“I don’t really care. Stop trying to kiss me. It’s weird; you’re dead.” Even as I said it, I wanted him to. I felt it. He knew it, even though I denied it. Being tough had really never saved me, but I had to try.
Cade frowned.
“How is any of this even possible?” I asked. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around how real he looked and felt.
“I don’t know.”
“Are you going to go back to stalking me in the shadows?”
“Not a chance.” He reached out to caress my cheek. “If it’s okay…I just…I wanna sleep next to you again.”
He walked over to the bed and held the quilt up for me to join him. With a sigh I did, and he tucked me in beside him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me closely, and I immediately felt safe. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pull away from the attraction that had brought us together.
Chapter Eighteen
“Sissy! Sissy! Can you help me and Daddy with the swing set?”
“What swing set?” I asked as I emerged from my bedroom.
“We build it!” he exclaimed and motioned out the window.
I walked over and looked at the backyard. My dad was hammering the pieces in his hand. I could tell he was getting pissed off.
“Sure, just let me get a fast shower okay?”
That was all the answer he needed before he ran back down the hallway. I showered quickly and threw on a t-shirt and jeans before heading downstairs. Outside, my dad sat on the grass with pieces of the swing set scattered around.
I plopped down beside him. “How’s it coming?”
“There are too many pieces, Briar. There’s too much missing.”
He held up the instructions for me to see, and I looked them over. “Hmm.” I shuffled through the pieces and looked for one that matched the picture in front of me. “Ah ha!” I picked up the piece and handed it to him.
“You’re an angel.” He took it from me and slammed the hammer down onto the nail to secure it in place.
“Remind me not to make him angry,” I heard from behind me. I froze and struggled not to look behind me at the sound of Cade’s voice.
Dillon giggled and looked over my shoulder. He pointed. “You’re so silly.”
I took the opportunity to follow his finger over to the house, heart pounding as my eyes settled on him. I hated that reaction. What the hell was wrong with me?
He sat on the porch and watched us. With a quick wink at me, he looked over at Dillon. “Briar helping you build your awesome swing set?”
I looked away quickly, hoping no one noticed me seeing him.
“Yeah!” Dillon exclaimed, grabbing my father’s shirt and tugging at it. “Look, Daddy!” He pointed to where Cade sat.
My dad looked up at the house and shook his head. “That crazy imagination of yours, kiddo.”
“He’s there, Daddy! Don’t you see him Briar?”
I looked back over to where he pointed. Cade waved at me, but I shook my head. “No, I don’t see anything.”
Cade curved his lips into a devious smile.
“That’s because there’s no one there.” My dad laughed and reached over to tickle my brother.
Dillon giggled and fell back onto the grass as my dad continued to make him squirm.
Cade laughed, and I took the chance to look back at him. He smiled at me as the wind picked up and swirled around. My hair flowed in its coldness, and Cade’s smile widened.
“Whoa the wind got crazy,” my dad said as the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
I tore my eyes away from Cade and back to my dad. “Yeah, crazy, huh.”
We continued to work on the swing set until it was completed. The whole time my dad was completely oblivious to the stranger who watched us work. Cade didn’t move from his spot. Creepy again. He was being creepy.
“I’m glad that’s done.” My dad wiped the sweat from his brow and stood up. “I’m making tacos for dinner.”
“Yay!” Dillon shouted and ran toward the house.
“You coming?” Dad looked down at me.
“Yeah, I’ll be inside in a minute. I wanna stay out here in the sun for a few.”
“You need some sun on those pale shoulders of yours.” He laughed and punched me playfully on the shoulder before going inside.
I sat down beside Cade and furrowed my eyebrows. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Show yourself to some people and not others?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“You suck at being dead, you know that?”
“Why’s that?” he asked.
“Because you can’t explain anything to me. I have so many questions.”
“I’ve not had to explain my condition to anyone before. Sorry I’m not much help.”
That was an interesting way to put it. “So we need to talk about what happened with Ryder.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I thought we worked everything out.”
“You know what I’m talking about. You can’t run off everyone that comes over.”
His face fell and his jaw tightened, showing that he didn’t want to hear anything about Ryder. “I wouldn’t run Meredith off. Or Celeste.”
“Because they’re girls?”
Cade looked up at me, and I could see the fire in his eyes. “Exactly.”
“We’re not together,” I clarified, just in case he didn’t know. No boyfriends. Dead or alive.
He stood up from the step and walked away from me. His fingers balled into fists as he paced with something terrible brewing in his mind.
Finally, he stomped back to where I was and leaned toward me. Neither of us moved. He didn’t touch me. Still, it felt like there was some sort of connection between us—a surge of electricity in the space between us. Something that shouldn’t have been.
Cade’s mouth moved closer to my ear, close enough to feel his breath on my skin. My eyes closed as chills ran down my spine. I wanted him to kiss me. Needed it almost. Damn it.
He chuckled.
“What?” I snapped.
“Tell me again how we aren’t together?”
With that he was gone. I tried to catch my breath and brought my hand up to my chest. I wasn’t sure what the hell that feeling was when he was near, but I knew I didn’t like it.
“I know you’re only here to watch after Dillon...after you graduate, he’ll be old enough to take care of himself for the most part.”
I jumped and tried to hide the scare from my face as I turned to look at him. “I don’t really know why that matters to a dead boy.”
“Maybe I want you to stay. I won’t run you of
f, I promise.”
“I don’t see how my normally sour mood can make anyone want to be around me,” I scoffed.
“You’re not sour, Briar. You forget I’ve watched you.”
“That’s really creepy, Cade…but yeah, it’s easier than letting people in and getting hurt. I’ve been hurt too many times…lost too many people.”
“I will never hurt you.”
“But you have.”
He didn’t answer immediately. “I never wanted to hurt you…”
“Briar! Dinner is ready!” my dad called from inside the house.
“I guess I need to go,” I said.
In a second Cade was somehow right in front of me. He pulled me to my feet and ran a hand through my hair as he smiled down at me. “You are so beautiful.”
I blushed but looked away to hide it. When I looked back up, he was looking past me intently, like there was something there. I looked behind me and didn’t see anything. I turned back around, and he was gone.
“Shit,” I grumbled. I smiled to myself because I’d fallen for that trick again.
After dinner, I went back to my room, expecting to see Cade waiting for me. I shut the door and looked around, disappointed when he didn’t show up. Even though I wasn’t sure why I still felt like that.
I pulled my pajamas out of my drawer and looked around before changing clothes, wondering if he was watching me where I couldn’t see him. I tried to change slowly, casually, just in case he was, my hands shaky as I slipped the clothing off me. I pulled on my pajama bottoms and camisole, still alone in the room.
After I flipped off the lights, I made myself comfortable under the covers, sinking down under them and closing my eyes. In the dark silence of the night, I felt my covers move and someone crawl in behind me. Of course I knew who it had to be, but I could still feel the fear stabbing at me as I whispered in the darkness. “Cade?”
“Yes,” he answered and snuggled up behind me. He wrapped one of his arms around me and hummed the tune of a song I wasn’t familiar with. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep.
Chapter Nineteen
“So what gives?” Meredith sat down across from me in the corner booth of the cafeteria.
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