His hand captured her fingers, bringing them up to his lips. “I’m thinking that I fucked things up between us and I wanted to talk to you.”
One sweet gesture wasn’t going to put out the head of steam she had going. He’d dumped her and she’d do well to remember that.
“I don’t see that we have anything to talk about. We fucked. You ended things. End of story. As far as I can see the only person who fucked up was me. I actually believed you were a human being instead of a huge sphincter.”
“I’m not a sphincter,” Dare hissed, a drop of spittle at the corner of his mouth. “Shit, you’re a ball buster.”
She didn’t need this hassle in her life. It might not have been glamorous or exciting, but her life hadn’t been all that bad before he came into it. “Then aren’t you lucky you called time out on our relationship? I’m relieved, too. I need a man with some backbone who doesn’t run at the first sign of intimacy, you big pussy.”
That last crack might have been too far. Even in the dim porch light, she could see the red creep up Dare’s neck and a muscle ticking in his jaw.
Lesson learned. Don’t call Dare a pussy.
“I’m not a…” To her surprise, his voice trailed off and he jogged down the porch steps into the middle of the yard where he stood staring at the sky for the longest time. Rayne didn’t say a word, somehow realizing he needed this moment of silence to gather his thoughts and round up his emotions. She sunk down into the porch glider and watched as his shoulders rose and fell with each hard breath he took. Several minutes later he turned and stomped up the steps and knelt down in front of her, grabbing her hands with his big, callused paws; his gaze skittered all over the porch and then locked with hers. He looked like he was suffering from some horrible pain and she had to push down the softer feelings he evoked. She was still furious.
“I am a pussy. A big, scared pussy. You got close and I ran. It’s just I didn’t think someone as happy as you are would be content with a man like me. I don’t know how to be that way, Rayne. I want to be but I just don’t know how. I figure eventually you’ll get tired of it…me. That’s why I did it. It was stupid and I regret it but that’s why. I’m sorry you got hurt by my cowardice.”
Her anger drained away as if a plug had been pulled at the bottom of a sink. It took a real man to admit he was scared and Dare was doing it on his knees. He had this apology thing down to a science and she couldn’t muster any more hate as he looked into her eyes and waited for her reply. She didn’t censor the first words that came into her head.
“You are such an asshole.”
He jerked back but then must have noticed her smile, because he was starting to smile too. As usual, it took her breath away. There ought to be a law about it and she would discuss that very subject with him. Soon. But first…
“I know,” he nodded. “A real sphincter. You could do a hell of a lot better than me, sweetheart.”
She was starting to think that wasn’t the case. It sounded kind of pathetic but the men in her life previously would never in a million years have come over here to apologize. They only showed up drunk in the middle of the night for a booty call.
“Maybe, but I kind of like you, even when you act like an ass. I was all set to be pissed off at you and then you had to go apologizing and being humble. Which, by the way, doesn’t take away from your alpha vibe at all, much to my dismay. I’m not sure how you pulled it off, frankly, but I’m impressed.”
He was kissing the tips of her fingers, still smiling, and a thousand butterflies began to beat at her ribs. Damn, she had it bad for this guy. She’d planned to kick him out on his rear and now he was practically seducing her with his puppy-dog eyes.
“I’m still a little drunk,” Dare admitted, pressing his lips to the palm of her hand. “But I do know how to say I’m sorry. And I am sorry, baby. Your sister must think I’m a real loser showing up like this. I’ll send her flowers or something to make it up.”
“If anyone gets flowers in this scenario, Sheriff, it’s going to be me. Now get up off your knees and let’s go in the kitchen. I’ll make you some coffee so you can sober up. Then if you want to continue this relationship with me you can tell me why you think you can’t be happy.”
His face fell but she wasn’t going to let him wriggle his way out of this one. She deserved to know what his problem was and he was damn well going to spill it. Preferably over coffee and chocolate cake in her sister’s kitchen.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Dare had known it wasn’t going to be that easy. Apologize. Agree that he was an ass and a jerk. Rayne would fall all over him in gratitude and they would pick up where they left off.
Sort of.
She’d thrown down the gauntlet in her own inimitable style that he adored so much. She didn’t take any of his bullshit and he admired her for it. She had more grit and backbone than any ten women he knew and here she was open to the idea of forgiving him for being a shit.
All he had to do was come clean.
So of course he delayed for as long as possible, drinking his coffee and putting away a huge slab of chocolate cake. Rayne nibbled on hers, her gaze rarely straying from his face as she waited semi-patiently. After three cups of coffee, he couldn’t put it off any longer. Fuck it. She wanted to hear it, he’d tell her. Minus any fancy wrapping or pretty bows. Just the bare truth in all its ugly glory.
“My mother hated me.”
He paused, mostly for effect and it worked. Rayne’s eyes widened but to her credit she didn’t take the bait, instead sitting back in her chair with a patient expression.
“My childhood wasn’t what you would call happy. Or carefree. Or any of those other adjectives that make being a kid sound fun. I was nervous and scared pretty much all of the time. You see, my mother was a walking time bomb and I never knew when she would go off. I only knew what set her off.”
Licking her lips, Rayne placed her hand over his. “And what was that?”
“Me.” Dare scraped a hand down his face at the memories he’d worked hard to bury all these years. Most of the time, he didn’t even think about his mother; she’d been gone for a long time, after all. His behavior was more learned than anything. It was a habit he’d adopted to try and keep his home peaceful. “I set her off. Specifically, me being a typical kid and having fun such as playing or laughing. Some days she’d be fine with it and others she’d lose her mind, screaming and yelling. I’d usually get hit with the belt and I’d promise to be quiet from then on and I would be. Until the next time I forgot and acted like a kid again. It was a cycle we repeated over and over again for years until I eventually figured out that she was just a miserable woman who wanted everyone around her to be the same way.”
“What about your father?”
Dare snorted at the mention of his dad. “He was no help. When Mom would get like that, Dad would do anything to make her calm down, including blaming me for getting her riled up. Everything was always my fault. According to her, I was a bad seed.”
He watched as Rayne swallowed hard, her eyes dark with pain. He hadn’t meant to dump this on her and would have taken it to his grave if she hadn’t pushed him tonight. Now she was feeling sorry for him when he was the one would should be apologizing. He’d let that woman color his world view yet again.
She’d told him he wasn’t good enough and he’d believed her for too long. He knew deep down she wasn’t right. She’d treated him and everyone around him like shit until her dying day and he’d vowed to get out from that oppression. But some habits die hard and occasionally he could still hear her voice in the back of his mind. Each word like a slap to the face of his younger self.
You’re a failure. You’re an evil little boy. You’ll never amount to anything. You can’t listen to the simplest instructions. You’re just stupid. You can’t be my son.
“A bad seed? What does that even mean? She sounds like a real bitch, and your father doesn’t sound like a prize either. They messed you up good.
”
His sweet Rayne had a mouth on her and she’d summed up this situation quite well. His parents had done a number on him and he was still feeling the effects, although just having this woman on his side made things much better.
“I’m what is known as damaged goods, sweetheart. That’s why I said you could do better than me, and that’s why I ended things this morning. I’m not sure I can make you happy and I don’t want to fail you. You deserve better than that.”
Rayne buried her face in her hands for a minute then looked back up at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears. He didn’t need her sympathy – had never needed anyone’s – but he wouldn’t turn it down. His chest was tight with emotion and it wasn’t about his fucked up past. It was about…Rayne…and the way she made him feel. Whether he wanted to or not. Because if he had a choice he’d choose not to but that simply wasn’t an option any more. She’d burrowed deep into his heart and now he had to figure out what to do next.
“Everyone is damaged in some way, Dare,” Rayne said gently, reaching to cup his jaw, his dark stubble tickling the flesh of her palm. “Some more than others but no one is perfect. I’m sure not and we could list all my faults, but let’s not. As for making me happy, Dare Turner, that’s not your job. Being happy is my job. I make that decision every single day. Sure, you can affect my mood but ultimately I am responsible for my happiness and you are responsible for yours. I can’t make you happy or love you happy. You have to want to be that way just because it’s a nicer way to live and not because you think that’s how I want you to be. You don’t have to change for me and I mean that. I care about you just the way you are. You can be yourself and I’ll be me.
Despite him being a jerk, Rayne was making this easy for him. He didn’t deserve it and honestly was more than a little suspicious. There had to be a catch.
“Just be myself? That doesn’t sound right.”
Apparently he’d said something hilarious because she laughed, albeit softly so as not to wake her family. Her eyes twinkled with mirth and she seemed genuinely amused by his confusion.
“I know, right?” Rayne giggled. “But it doesn’t have to be complicated. I like you, Dare Turner. You don’t have to try so hard.”
Flummoxed, Dare shook his head, not sure what to say or do. He’d never experienced this level of acceptance and it threw him off his game. Could he trust this new emotion unfurling between the two of them? It felt good, but so many things did that ended up being bad for a person.
Like the whiskey he’d imbibed earlier tonight that was rapidly wearing off.
“Don’t you want to change me?” he finally asked. “Don’t you have a list of complaints with my grouchy demeanor being the first on the list?”
Rayne stood and walked over to the sink to rinse her coffee cup. “Seems like a complete waste of time, if you ask me. I’ve never known a man to change unless it was for the worse. Do you even want to? I don’t think my opinion should be all that important. I’m sure you have some things you wish I would change but I doubt you’d write them down and submit them as a request.”
No, he wouldn’t do that. He’d always thought Rayne was a little too brash and loud, but now he could see that she was simply straightforward and honest. She didn’t tolerate much bullshit, which was just fine with him since he didn’t either. She didn’t pull her punches and he always knew where he stood with her, which was a first. He’d had too many relationships where females liked to play mind games with him.
“Maybe I should change. As I said, my behavior is really habit. I’m not that pissed off at the world every day but frowning feels more natural than smiling.”
Finished clearing up the cups, she came to perch on his knee, dropping a kiss on his forehead as if he were a good boy who had eaten his vegetables. “I’d rather you have an honest scowl than a fake smile. If you’re happy then you should smile all you want. But don’t try to be something you’re not just because you think that’s what I want you to be. You have a crappy job, Sheriff, so I can imagine there are days that aren’t puppies and rainbows, and that’s okay.”
He had one more thing to confess and his conscience would be clear. Gathering up his courage, he set aside his dignity. “I’ve talked to a therapist about this after I came back from the Middle East. I guess the government was worried about me.”
Instead of the look of disdain or disappointment he’d expected, Rayne actually looked happier. What the hell? She was happy he needed the shrink. That was a first.
“That’s wonderful that you did that. What did the therapist say?”
“That I wasn’t a danger to society or myself.”
Rayne blinked a few times. “That’s…good. I’d never think you were but I’m glad that the US government agrees. Did he or she say anything else?”
That pain in the ass talked all the time, asking him how he felt about everything. Some things he didn’t feel anything about and that wasn’t going to change for a shrink. Certain events and people in the world didn’t deserve to have others wasting energy on them.
“That I was angry at my father because he didn’t intervene.”
A major understatement if there ever was one.
“Did you and your father make peace before he died?”
“No,” Dare answered shortly. “He made a lot of excuses but never owned his part in all of this. He knuckled under to my witch of a mother because he wanted to keep the peace. Except our house was never peaceful. It was only after she died that there was any happiness. And then he married and started a new family because his first one was broken. So no, Rayne, we didn’t make peace.”
She wanted everything tied up with a bow like an after school special but that wasn’t how life worked. Not his, anyway. He’d tried to forgive his father, he truly had, but the old man had blamed Dare with his last breath.
“That’s too bad,” she said in a small, sad voice that clearly felt badly for him, which was a waste. He was damaged but not angry or bitter. Life happened and he’d played the cards he was dealt as best he could. “You don’t blame Sophie, do you?”
Just the thought of his cute little sister made his lips quirk up. “Of course not. I love her and she loves me. We’re family and that’s why I came back to Valley Station. It’s also why I don’t want her to leave, especially with that slime Tim Wallace. I’ve got a bad feeling about him that I can’t shake.”
Dare’s intuition was rarely wrong and it was only a matter of time before he figured out what the issue was with Wallace.
“I feel kind of guilty. My childhood was pretty uneventful compared to yours. My parents are kind of hippies, but other than that we were a normal family.”
Lifting an eyebrow, Dare ran a finger along her hip where he knew a tattoo lay under the layer of cotton. “Maybe too normal? You like to stand out, sweetheart.”
She leaned down and pressed her lips to his, running her tongue along his lower lip and making him shudder with need. As usual, his inked princess had him hard in less than ten seconds.
“I think you like it too. I think you want to shine and dance. You need to strut, my love. You have so much good in you but you’ve been hiding it for too long. Let it out and I promise you it will all be fine. You won’t get hurt.”
He wasn’t a child any longer where the world could easily pierce his armor. Few people in this world had that kind of power over him.
She was one of them.
“I’ll dance, but only with you, Rayne. Will you dance with me? Right now and right here?”
There was no music but it didn’t make any difference. He needed to hold her in his arms like he needed his next breath.
“I’d be honored, Sheriff Turner.”
The honor was all his.
Chapter Thirty
Perhaps Rayne should have held onto her anger longer but that simply wasn’t her style. She didn’t like to hold a grudge or make someone pay for an action they regretted. If Dare was truly sorry, and he certainly seemed to be, i
t wouldn’t be right to not extend some forgiveness his way. From his story he’d been treated cruelly enough, although he seemed fairly healthy after what he’d been through.
He was smart and successful and had trouble letting go of his emotions. It wasn’t all that uncommon, especially in a man. If she could help him unwind even a little bit she’d think it a win over his past. He deserved far better than what he’d been given.
So now she was in his arms, dancing in her sister’s kitchen, her bare feet on the cold ceramic tile but the rest of her body warming up nicely as he pressed her closer, her cheek resting on his chest. She could hear the steady thump of his heart, and her own pulse sped up in response as her fingers tightened on the hard muscles of his back.
There was no music so Rayne found herself humming a favorite song from her teenage years and Dare didn’t seem to mind. His large hand was splayed on her hip while the other cupped the nape of her neck so that her chin was tipped up and their gazes locked. His normally icy blue eyes were dark with passion under the fluorescent lights of the kitchen and their bodies brushed each other softly with each movement, sending lightning sparks of pleasure through her veins.
A warm flush ran down her flesh from forehead to toes and her knees would have given out if he hadn’t been holding her so snugly against him, his hard cock pressing into the softness of her belly.
Strong arousal began to build and her mind whirled as she tried to think of a way to have him – right here and now – without waking up the entire neighborhood or at the very least the household. She was already fantasizing about his magic mouth and that devil penis along with those mad-skilled hands. It wasn’t fair that he could turn her into a puddle of goo, but then it was so incredibly damn good that it didn’t really matter. She was greedy and she didn’t care if he knew. She wanted him, all of him, deep inside of her as soon as possible.
Her gaze landed on the pantry door and suddenly she had Dare by the arm and was dragging him across the floor and shoving him into the smaller room off the kitchen, closing the door behind them. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaped into his arms, her legs winding around his lean middle. Dare was laughing so hard he almost dropped her but caught her as her ass was about six inches from the hard tile.
Justice Inked (Cowboy Justice Association 7) Page 18