by Kelly, Hazel
Whether you have many lovers or just a few, it seems that certain types of lovers are almost inevitable. It is on those lovers that I have based this list.
The list is not intended to be a map of where to go so much as a rough guidebook of sorts. Because ultimately, it's only one woman’s opinion about the consequences of stumbling into certain arms and beds over the course of one’s life.
Unfortunately, when it comes to exploring our sexuality, women don’t have all the time in the world. Mostly because of our biological clocks and the pressure to get married. And as surprising as it may sound, the more you like the idea of sleeping with one man for the rest of your life, the more important it is for you to sleep around when you have the chance.
After all, there is nothing worse than a perfect marriage getting ruined because one or both partners is curious about what else is out there and who else they’re missing. This type of wanderlust spoils more relationships than people realize.
That’s why it’s so important to figure out what you like and loathe as a lover before you try to pick someone you’re supposed to be compatible with forever. Because even though the sexual adventures waiting for you after marriage may be varied and fulfilling, they won’t be any less wonderful if you have a few points of comparison. Plus, you'll find that different partners will bring different things out in you.
And there’s no harm in experimenting even if you aren’t in a hurry to get married. Personally, I have always believed in the strategy made famous by Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn which is basically long term dating.
This strategy appeals to me because neither partner can become too dependent which helps both parties remain desirable to each other. Plus, because either person is free to walk away at any moment, both people have to continue making an effort.
Perhaps I’ve just been ruined by all the complacent couples that have walked through my door. Or maybe I’m just a realist.
One could argue that I never got married because long term commitments in general obstruct my chi. But really, I think it comes down to the fact that I have an aversion to inflated expectations.
For instance, nothing makes me sadder than when someone calls their wedding day the happiest day of their life. That is truly the most shortsighted life view I’ve ever heard. Surely, the happiest day of your life is much later. Like sometime in your eighties when you’re surrounded by your grandchildren, and you have enough health left to enjoy a day of hot dog eating and beer drinking.
Now that is a beautiful thing.
But if the happiest day of your life is one where you spend thousands of dollars wining and dining other people to prove how much you love someone, then you need to get a grip. Because love is private, and it is the private moments that mean the most.
Then again, maybe I’m totally wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter because it never happened to me. But I do think that too many women stop trying after their wedding day. They think that everything will work out after that because they’ve only got one more tick box left (bearing children).
But the truth is, when you stop trying, you start dying. So try for whatever it is that you want and when you get it, try for something else.
And by all means, get naked often. Because it is when we are naked that we are at our most authentic.
Lover #1: The Selfish Lover
For many women, the selfish- or dare I say lousy- lover is the first we ever have. And for too many of us, he is not only the first but the second, third, fourth, etc.
He’s the guy who thinks you’ve had sex even though he's basically just come in his pants. Afterwards, he lays back feeling satisfied and takes a nap. I wish I could call that an extreme example, but it’s not.
Anyway, the only explanation for this is that men’s sexual parts are more straightforward at a young age. Which isn't to say they've learned any sexual self-control. It’s like they’re tall enough to see over the steering wheel, but they don’t really have a license to drive yet. They can get themselves from A to B, but it’s not always an enjoyable trip for others.
Obviously, sex with a selfish lover doesn’t take very long. There is usually no foreplay or mutual sexual satisfaction to speak of. Sometimes the sex is about as enjoyable as laying on a waterbed and staring at the ceiling while someone jumps on the bed next to you. In other words, it’s always over quickly, but that’s okay with you because you spent the whole time wondering is this it?
My first French kiss was a lot like that actually. The boy stuck his tongue in my mouth and then moved his tongue as if it were a helicopter taking off. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. And once I finally thought of an excuse to leave, I spent the rest of the day absolutely convinced that something had gone wrong. Because if kissing was always supposed to be that unpleasant, people wouldn’t do it in the movies to climactic music.
Of course, chances are I was a lame kisser myself and partly to blame.
But that is exactly why hooking up with a selfish, inexperienced lover is important when you’re new to sex. Because it leaves you wanting more, and forces you to hope that there are better lovers out there. Which there are.
So don't worry. You’re enjoyment of your future lovers will only be increased when you’ve discover how poorly sex can be executed at the hands of an impatient man-boy.
The other reason these lovers (or lover if you’re lucky) are important is because they remind you of the joys of masturbation. Which is a great way to stave off your carnal cravings and spare you from more pathetic lovers. After all, masturbation not only ends in sexual satisfaction, but it is always safe and often educational.
Plus it gives you a magnetic glow and a tangible confidence. Seriously, forget fancy cream and designer haircuts. Just fuck yourself before you go out, and you can get all that je ne sais quoi for free.
The point is, below average lovers are part of growing up. The takeaway lesson here is that it’s okay- wise even- to try and minimize your contact with them as much as possible.
But whatever you do, don’t give up hope. Because things will get better.
Chapter 7: Kate
Annie’s parents were at some country club thing so they weren’t home. I guess when her dad isn’t sneaking weed with college buddies, they are polite members of society. But they always came across as a bit false to me. Like they would gossip about how snobby and obnoxious everyone at the country club was, but then they would go make a fat public donation.
I think Annie felt like all the adults in her neighborhood were the same way. Personally, I think it’s one of the reasons she’s so cynical. Even though we’re all a little bit two faced when it comes down to it. I mean, shit. Apparently I’ve been playing the role of someone else’s kid my whole life. I wish my biggest problem was pretending to like the people at my country club.
“Let’s get high already,” I said as I raided her parents’ drink cabinet.
“Ready when you are,” she said, pulling the biggest blunt I’d ever seen outside a music video from her sweatshirt pocket.
“Whoa. Did you roll that yourself?”
“I wish.”
“Rob?”
She nodded. “He gave it to me earlier cause I’m not feeling great today.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” I said. After all, I wasn’t going to tell her about my morning. What would she even say? Sorry?! That’s fucked up?!
“I know. Jesus, Kate. I didn’t mean to-”
“It’s okay, really,” I said. Because it was. Because that’s why I was here. Because Annie was never chipper and she never threw happiness in my face. She never spouted positive-thinking-pick-your-chin-up-count-your-blessings bullshit. When I was in the mood to be bitter, she was the best person on Earth to be with.
The only difference was that I didn’t want to be bitter forever. I wanted to bookend my bitterness with periods of general satisfaction as best I could. But Annie wasn’t interested in looking for silver linings. She was a glass half empty kind of girl and nothin
g was going to change that.
“It’s not. I shouldn’t even have mentioned it considering what you must be going through.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Let’s go outside and spark this up. I’m a little nauseous.”
“Nauseous? You sure you’re okay?”
“No,” she said, holding the backdoor open for me. “Is anybody?”
Once we sat down she moved the lighter back and forth under the blunt. I didn’t know if she’d done it before or if she’d just seen Rob do it, but when she lit the end, it smelled sweet. Much better than a joint. And with any luck it would smell better clinging to the clothes I’d be wearing home, too.
“How much weed is in there?” I asked.
“Bowls and bowls, I think,” she said, inhaling and passing it my way. “We don’t have to smoke it all at once. We can chill on it half way and save it for later.”
I dragged lightly on the end and the warm smoke filled my lungs. By the second drag my belly full of pasta and pie didn’t hurt anymore. “Did you stay at his place last night?” I asked without exhaling.
“Yeah,” she said.
“And your parents don’t care?”
“I said I was at yours. That you didn’t want to be alone under the circumstances.”
“Thanks for letting me know.”
“Even though we both know your Mom hates me and would rather die than tolerate me for an entire night.
“That’s not true.” Actually, my real Mom would’ve loved Annie. Too bad they’ll never have a chance to get to know each other.
“C’mon, Kate. I’m not an idiot.”
“She doesn’t hate you,” I said. “She hates that you’re a smoker.”
“Ahh.”
“She hates all smokers. You shouldn’t take it personally.”
“Oh good. I feel loads better now that I know she just hates me for who I am.”
“That’s not really who you are though.”
She shrugged.
“Thanks for dropping off the vodka earlier,” I said. “You’re a lifesaver.”
“Thank Rob. He’s the one that can buy alcohol in the morning.”
“Right.” Annie’s ID only worked when her tits were out late at night. And even then only in a few select liquor stores. “Will do. He’s cute by the way.”
“Of course he’s cute,” she said, “but he’s trouble, too.”
“Trouble?”
“I don’t mean that. That’s unfair. I’m just a little annoyed with him today.”
“Lovers quarrel?”
“No. It’s just partly his fault I don’t feel well.”
“Late night?”
“Among other things.”
“What’s going on with you?” I asked. “You know you can tell me. Actually- as a friend- it's practically your duty to distract me from the fact that my favorite family member just died.”
She looked back and forth between my eyes. She was so pale even her freckles looked pale.
“You look like shit.”
“I feel like it.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Probably not.”
“Try me.”
She looked at me again out of the corner of her eye. “Have you ever taken the morning after pill?”
“The morning after pill?”
“Yeah.”
“No.”
“So you can’t help me then.”
“Jesus, Annie. Is that why you feel like crap?”
She nodded. “Rob took me to get it this morning. That’s why he gave me the blunt and everything.”
Fuck me. “Have you considered going on the pill?” I asked. “I know a place where they’ll give it to you for really cheap. I can take you there anytime you want.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded.
“I think I better take you up on that because I don’t want to do this again.”
“Again?”
“You think I’m a fuck up.”
“I don’t. Seriously. I mean, a fuck up wouldn’t have gone to get the morning after pill.”
She shrugged. “Maybe.”
“How many times have you-”
“This isn’t exactly the first.”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t tell.”
“I promise.”
“Like even if you’re tortured or wasted or something happens and we aren’t friends anymore.”
“Jesus. Okay. What is it? I promise.”
“I got pregnant sophomore year.”
I didn’t even know people were having sex then.
“Before we were friends.”
I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded and tried not to look shocked and stoned.
“Obviously I got an abortion.”
“Shit.”
“Which- to be honest- was way worse than taking this stupid pill.”
“I bet.”
“It was awful, Kate. I was depressed for months. Like I’ve never been the same, ya know?”
“I’m not surprised. That’s pretty intense.”
“I didn’t have a choice though. I would’ve been kicked out of school. It would have fucked up my whole future. I mean, look at me. I’m in no position to be responsible for another human being.”
“Yeah.”
“But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a baby killer.”
I flinched. “You’re not a baby killer.”
“But I am though. Literally.”
“Your parents know?”
“Unfortunately. But I wish I hadn’t told them because I swear my Mom still looks at me sometimes, Kate, and I don’t know. It’s like her expression is just full of disgust, ya know? I honestly think if it wouldn’t make her look bad, she’d kick me out.”
“And your dad?”
“He’s easier. He just pretends it never happened. Same as me. The only reason I told them was because I was worried that any doctor I could afford to have do it would fuck up my insides, and I'd be traumatized.”
“Well that was the right thing to do.”
“I actually asked my Mom then about going on the pill.”
“What did she say?”
“She suggested that maybe I should stop being such a whore instead.”
“God, Annie, that’s awful.” I couldn’t imagine either of my Moms ever saying something like that.
“I know. She’s a self-righteous bitch,” she said, holding up what remained of the blunt. “Wanna save the rest of this for later?”
“Yeah, I’m plenty high.”
She put out the glowing embers on the half a blunt that was left. “And she’s a hypocrite, too.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“I’m pretty sure the only reason my Dad married her was because she got knocked up with me. Honestly, she’s the worst, most manipulative…” She started shaking her head.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You’ll be out of here soon.”
“Fucking right I will be. If I get in anywhere.”
“You will. Of course you will.”
She shrugged. “So that’s why I hate Ian so much.”
“Wait, what?”
“You’re always wondering why I think Ian is such a fucking douche.”
“Wait you and Ian were-”
“Yeah.”
“And he-”
She nodded.
“How did he even keep it up long enough?” I asked, regretting the question as soon as I asked it.
Thankfully, she laughed. “I know, right? God I was dying to ask you if he’d improved at all but I guess that answers that question.”
I shook my head. “Having sex with him is like looking for a shooting star.”
She pulled a pack of smokes from her pocket. “If you blink you’ll miss it?”
“Exactly.”
She slid a cigarette from the pack and held it out to me.
“No thanks,” I said. I hadn’t had one s
ince I’d heard Dawn’s death rattle. Not that I didn’t want one. I just couldn’t.
“But Annie?”
“Yeah?”
“You really should’ve told me. I mean, I’m kind of ticked.”
“What was I supposed to say?” She lit the end of her cigarette and dragged on it to get it going. “Hey Kate, I know you like this guy but he got me pregnant two years ago and was a total douche about it.”
“Yeah! That is exactly what you were supposed to say!”
“Oh well. I guess I’ll know for next time.”
I rolled my eyes.
She smiled, but it was the kind of smile that looked slightly pained. Almost desperate.
“He was a douche about it, huh? Not that I’m surprised.”
“Like he didn’t even want to know. Just denied it right away. Called me a liar. Said no one would believe a slut like me anyway.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah.”
“No wonder you hate his guts.”
She shrugged. “He’s dead to me, as dead to me as our dead baby.”
“Don’t talk like that. Please. That’s horrible.”
“What?” she said. “It’s the truth. I mean it was only like the size of a quarter when it was aborted but still.”
I nodded and watched the smoke swirl off the end of her cigarette, wondering what it was like to carry that around and if I would’ve made the same decision. Not that she had any options. Between her parents and school and Ian’s general idiocy, what choice did she have?
And suddenly I realized how easy it would’ve been for Dawn to make me disappear so I was just an unnamed mistake, too. And yeah, I wouldn’t be in pain right now, feeling like a parentless reject in a totally fucked up mess of stale truth. In fact, I never would have been in any pain ever.
But I wouldn’t have been there to comfort Annie when she was hurting either. Which was important to me.
And for the first time ever, I felt lucky to be alive.
Chapter 8: Dawn
Lover #2: The First One that Makes You Come
After you get some selfish, unskilled lovers out of the way, you’re bound to find a good one. And not only will he be good, he’ll be so delicious you’ll have your very first orgasm.