by Kelly, Hazel
The only reason I’m going to mention these few is because understanding where I went wrong might save you a lot of time, money, and anguish.
So here they are, my three biggest mistakes. They're the ones I made over and over during my life that I believe were most detrimental to my happiness.
Number 1: I always waited too long to ask for help
This isn’t a particularly unusual mistake to make, but the consequences can be severe. For me, it was usually pride, fear, or shame that kept me from reaching out. Failing to ask for help is why I got two D’s in college, why I broke my toe trying to help my friend move one summer, and why I had to wash my dishes in the bathroom for three months.
But if I could do it all over again, I would jump at the chance to ask for help any time I needed it. Asking for help isn’t just good for you, it’s good for the entire economy. Seriously, if people didn’t need help, I never even would’ve been able to hold down a job.
So no matter how vulnerable or stupid asking for help makes you feel, get over it. Because putting it off only creates obstacles where none need exist and isolates you. And isolation never solved anything.
Number 2: I spent too much energy on hating my body
When I was young, I matured quickly. Much faster than the other girls in my class anyway. One day I was the only girl that could jump high enough to play tetherball with the other boys. The next day I was too busy folding my hands over my chest to play sports. I actually used to lie in bed at night and think things like if my chest is any bigger tomorrow, I’m going to kill myself. When it came to becoming a woman, I wasn’t interested.
Then for about three years, I became convinced that if I just stopped feeding my curves, they would stop growing. So that’s what I did. I tried all kinds of stupid diets like drinking cayenne pepper, trying to swallow whole hard boiled eggs, and only eating mandarin oranges. I never made myself throw up, but I did deliberately try to stunt my horizontal growth.
And I spent a ridiculous amount of time looking at the fat between my inner thighs and wondering if it was as offensive to everyone else as it was to me. So to answer your question, yes. I am probably partly to blame for your eating disorder. And I understand how difficult it is to think food is the enemy. Which is part of the reason I felt compelled to try and help you.
Fortunately for me, I went away to an intense volleyball camp one summer in high school. Within a few days I discovered that the training was so strenuous that if you didn’t eat, you wouldn’t have enough energy to complete the workouts. Simple as that. As a result, I learned to eat normally again because I was forced to remember the whole point of eating: to fuel your body so you have energy for life.
But the truth is, having a complicated relationship with your body- or even an eating disorder- doesn’t make you special or more attractive. It just makes you miserable.
If you really want to be comfortable and confident in your own skin, stop weighing yourself and buying into the idea that your self-worth is determined by your size. Then start choosing clothes based on how they fit.
I can’t tell you how many times I bought a smaller size because I wanted it to say six on the tag in my pants even though no one would ever see the tag. Whereas if I just got the eight, I wouldn't have felt fat every time I put the pants on. Plus, I would’ve looked fabulous because they actually would’ve fit properly.
The thing to do is focus on your health and on the habits that make you feel good like eating fresh foods, getting enough sleep, and staying active. I promise you that treating yourself with compassion will keep you slimmer than any diet.
And stop comparing yourself to celebrities. Their job is to be red carpet ready and they get paid handsomely for it. Your job is to stay sane and be a good person. It doesn’t pay as well, but at least you’re allowed to eat carbs.
Number 3: I took things too personally
Until I was in my thirties, I took things too personally. More specifically, I took the words and actions of others to heart more than I should’ve. This caused me a lot of needless stress and exhausting doubt that I really could’ve done without.
For example, I had this acquaintance in college, and I slept with her ex-boyfriend a few years after they broke up. One night, I ran into her at a bar, and she slapped me and threw a drink in my face out of nowhere. For the record, I didn’t slap her back because I was in shock, and I have a bit more class than that.
Anyway, after she got kicked out of the bar, I was pretty upset. For years. Not because I hurt her feelings or slept with her ex, but because I thought of myself as a nice person, the kind of person that didn’t provoke hatred or physical violence in other people. So naturally, being attacked in public really upset me. I even lost a few friends who ended up taking her side. It was kind of traumatic.
But then years later, I was at a concert and there was this woman who was dancing up on me and totally encroaching on my personal space. Finally, I asked her politely if she could please stop grinding on my leg for god’s sake I’m trying to listen to this guy play the keyboard. Anyway, she went completely ape shit, battered me with a bunch of nasty insults, and even asked the guy I was with at the time if he wanted to go outside.
And in that moment I realized that the incident in the bar so long ago wasn’t about me at all.
Some bitches are just crazy, and it’s as simple as that.
So never give someone else the power to determine how you feel, how you see yourself, or what kind of day you’re going to have.
And don’t take other people’s constipation personally because carrying around anger and hate only poisons you and no one else. Plus, you don’t know what it’s like to be them, and when it comes to most people, you’re better off not knowing.
Wow, once again I’m feeling like if I had a chance to do it all again, I could really kick ass at life. But I can’t. So you’ll just have to do a good job and let me live vicariously through you. That is, if I’m an angel watching over you. If I’m not, just learn from my top three mistakes for your own benefit.
Of course, I’d like to add that even though I made a lot of mistakes, I did do some stuff right.
For example, of the mistakes I made, I’m proud that one of them isn’t “I worked too hard and spent too much time at the office.” On the contrary, I worked to live my whole life, never the other way around. Most people in America forget that they can choose that.
And honestly, now that I’m about to die, I have zero regrets about all those beers I drank on work nights and all those Friday afternoons I took off early. Because life is about what happens outside the office, and you have to make room for it.
Also, unlike many women, I don’t feel like I wasn’t selfish enough. On the contrary, I was always really selfish. Not in a tantrum throwing childish way. I just knew from a young age that no one was going to look out for me like I could. So I made a point of following my heart, and I firmly believe that the reason I’ve always been one of the happiest people I know.
And now that I think about it, everything I ever did right I did because I was following the wise advice of flight attendants.
Basically, I always put on my own oxygen mask first.
Chapter 23: Kate
It was my last boozy night with Annie and Danielle before I left for college. I don’t know if it was just the sentimentality of it or the amount of vodka we’d poured into our bellies, but the way the moon lit up their faces in the park was incredible. They were both so beautiful I wanted to cry.
But it wasn’t just their beauty that was making me emotional; it was the heavy sense of an ending. Everything was about to change. Any semblance of routine or predictability we’d come to enjoy the last few years was about to disappear.
In a few weeks, we would all have new friends (fingers crossed), new love interests, new classes, and new surroundings. With all that newness in the air, it was hard to believe we wouldn’t change.
I couldn’t imagine the impact college would hav
e on our friendship. The best I could do was picture each of us with exaggerated traits that we already had. For example, I could imagine Annie becoming even more cynical and godless out in Colorado where she hoped to get a job on a marijuana farm to help pay for school. And I could picture Danielle becoming a little more introverted without me and Annie around to force gregariousness on her.
“How did Rob take getting dumped?” Danielle asked Annie.
Annie shrugged. “He knew it was coming. I think it was okay.”
“I wish I could say the same for Kevin,” I said.
“I didn’t think you wanted to break up?” Danielle tipped her head back and held a wine cooler vertically over her mouth.
“I didn’t.” I crossed my legs. “I wanted to give the distance thing a try.”
“But he didn’t?” Danielle asked, nudging Annie and pointing to the bag of booze.
“I tried to talk him into it.” I shook my head. “But no matter what I said, he just felt like he was being left behind.”
“Well, I’ll be left behind, too,” Danielle said. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m sort of hoping he regrets it and drives across the country, shows up at my dorm, and begs me to take him back.”
Annie shook her head. “That’s stupid.” She passed Danielle another wine cooler.
“Why?” I asked, shaking my water bottle to remix my screwdriver. “I really like him.”
“But you don’t like him enough to change your plans,” Annie said.
“So?”
“So it’s not love,” she said. “If it was love, you’d change your plans.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Well I do,” Annie said. “That’s why I broke it off with Rob. I mean, we had some good times, but not all good times are supposed to last forever.” She leaned back on her hands in the grass. “And there’s nothing worse than taking a good time and dragging it out until it becomes a bad time.”
Maybe she was right. Maybe someday I would change my mind and think it was for the best that we broke up when things were good. Maybe we would’ve just gotten bitter and resentful of one another if we’d stayed together. At least the way we’d left it, if we were meant to be, things might still work out.
Danielle pulled a knee to her chest and rested her chin on it. “What about us?” she asked. “What about our good times?”
Annie put her arm over Danielle’s shoulder. “That’s different. They never have to end.”
I smiled and hoped she was right. “To us,” I said, lifting my drink.
“And the good times,” Danielle added.
“We all have to visit each other,” Annie said. “You guys have to come out to Colorado and stay with me. It’ll be so fun.”
“Maybe I’ll have games out there,” I said, “but you guys will have to come to Maryland, too.”
“Count me in,” Danielle said. “I want a preppy boyfriend.”
Annie rolled her eyes. “I don’t get you sometimes.”
Danielle shrugged. “What? We don’t all have to date snowboarding hippy deadbeats.”
“More for me then,” Annie said, taking a sip from her water bottle, her nostrils flaring as the vodka burned its way into her belly.
“At least you’ll both get to see me every time you come home,” Danielle said. “And it won’t be long before Thanksgiving.”
“Don’t count on it,” Annie said. “I don’t know if I ever want to come back here.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, registering the hurt in Danielle’s face and my own heart. “Of course you will.”
Annie shrugged. “Are you kidding? I’ve been waiting my whole life to get the fuck out of this place. If I never have to see any of these people again- besides you guys obviously- it would suit me just fine.”
“You might miss it,” I said. “After a while you’ll want to come back.”
Annie’s mouth formed a straight line and she looked at me like she knew exactly what she’d said.
And I think that was the first time I really understood how much she hated it there and how eager she was to start a new life somewhere else.
I took a deep breath. “Are you gonna stay at home, Danielle?”
“No,” she said. “Didn’t I tell you? I’m going to live on campus.”
“That’s great,” I said.
Annie nodded along with me. “That will be way more fun.”
“And convenient,” Danielle said.
“Plus your Mom can still do your laundry on the weekends,” I added.
Danielle’s face twisted. “My Mom hasn’t done my laundry since eighth grade.”
“Oh. Never mind then. It’ll be just like you’re far away, too,” I said, trying to redeem myself. But I couldn’t help but wonder why I didn’t know that, and what else I didn’t know about her.
I mean, these were supposed to be the two people I knew best in the whole world, and there were lots of things they didn’t know about me either. Big things. Like the fact that I binged and purged every day for years and that my Mom wasn’t even my Mom.
And that made me scared for the future. Just for a moment. Because I realized that at the rate I was learning about myself, I might never have the time or resources to really know anyone else. But maybe you didn’t need to know someone to know that you needed them.
Plus, how well we knew every detail about each other didn’t matter. What mattered was that we made each other laugh and that we knew when to listen and when it was more helpful to change the subject. What mattered was the chemistry we had, not the mutual depth of understanding.
Like I didn’t know what Annie’s favorite color was (probably black), but I knew that thanks to me she might never have to take the morning after pill again. And I didn’t know much about Danielle’s relationship with her parents, but I knew that I could always count on her to pick up the phone before the end of the second ring.
And I didn’t know if Annie would ever find happiness, but I knew that no matter what, I would always be happy in her company. And I knew that even though Danielle couldn’t afford to go away to school, someday she would be more successful than any of us. Because she worked harder and wanted things more than anyone I’d ever met.
As the booze saturated our bodies, the conversation became lighter and sillier. It was like the future was a sun none of us wanted to look too hard at.
But for a few hours, it felt like everything was going to be okay. Because with people like them in my life, no one could convince me that I didn’t have luck and love on my side.
Chapter 24: Dawn
Dear Kate,
I want to tell you about my hopes for you because your future is something I’ve thought a lot about. Everything about it interests me. I wonder what kinds of hairstyles you’ll have in your life and which ones you’ll regret the most. And I'm curious about what kinds of courses you’ll take in school and whether they’ll be challenging enough for you.
Of course, I hope you’ll take classes you enjoy on subjects that you’re genuinely interested in. If you do that, not only will it be easy to study, but you’ll develop a love of learning which will help you become a well-rounded person.
Whatever you do, don’t pick your major based only on where you think the money is. Because if that contradicts where your passion lies, it will be a difficult and miserable course. Plus, the sooner you start letting the hunger for money drive your decision making, the sooner you’ll get lost and unhappy. Pursuing money just for the sake of money is a slippery slope, and the more you do it, the harder it will become to make decisions any other way.
And as you find your way, I hope you won’t allow yourself to fester in jealousy of any kind. By all means, allow yourself to be just jealous enough that it gives you a kick in the right direction, but don’t let yourself wallow in it. Seriously, since the birth of philosophy, no one has ever said that comparing yourself to others is the road to happiness.
&nbs
p; So focus on your own dreams and achieve them at your own pace. Don’t waste your only shot at this life wishing that you were someone else. It’s a waste of your time and your life. Follow your heart instead. That way even when you make mistakes, you won’t regret them.
And if your heart encourages you to love and be loved, don’t apologize for it. Enjoying sex doesn’t make you weird and it doesn’t make you damaged goods. Enjoying sex makes you human and woman and normal. Never feel bad about anything you do that gives you pleasure and doesn’t hurt anyone else.
And on your journey, I hope you’ll find at least one of your soul mates. It would make me so happy for you to enjoy the kind of support and companionship that type of relationship offers.
I’ve no doubt that you’ll find plenty of men who’ll be eager to admire you and spoil you rotten. But be as choosy as you are amorous because a girl can only spread herself so thin.
Also, I hope that you’ve inherited my adventurous spirit because there are so many wonderful places to go and things to do in this world. As you know, your generation has more opportunity than any before. But sometimes I worry that young people’s ambition inhibits their willingness to take the road less traveled.
Go on real adventures to places where you couldn’t possibly update your Facebook status. Allow yourself to have clever ideas that are longer than 140 characters. And do your best to stay in the moment at rock concerts instead of taking out your camera phone. Because it's the energy of the crowd in that moment- not the video footage- that you'll want to remember.
After all, someday when people ask you about your life, you’re not going to tell them about all the great TV series you watched, your method for taking a flattering selfie, or how many retweets you got on your most original thought. You’re going to tell them about the stuff you DID. And trust me, it’s not going to matter a damn how many people ‘Liked’ it at the time.