by Laura Stone
Seth twisted back around, a look of worry creeping onto his face.
“There will be some water splashes, so if you stay to my right, you shouldn’t get any wet drips or anything from my pole.”
Seth put his face in his hands at his lap and his body shook with laughter.
“Oh my God… that’s not what—” Oliver rubbed his face with his free hand and laughed at himself. He cleared his throat and tried to adopt a voice of authority. “Are you ready to take this seriously?”
Seth wiped all hilarity from his face and gave Oliver a salute. “Aye, aye, Captain!” He turned forward again and rested his elbows on the till near Oliver’s feet.
Oliver grasped the long pole and pushed it down to the bottom of the river, using his feet to turn the boat as his arms used the pole for leverage. It took him a few strokes to get the hang of it: drop, push, hand over hand, let the pole float like a rudder behind the boat, repeat. The day was mostly overcast and a little chilly, but Oliver felt perfectly warmed by the activity as they made their way up the River Cam.
“It’s so beautiful,” Seth murmured as they passed under the Bridge of Sighs. They continued heading north toward a particular park Oliver favored at a slow but steady pace; the trees were leafing out in an almost neon green, the grass was lush, and a light breeze cast gentle ripples along the surface of the water that broke in the wake of their boat.
It really was one of the most beautiful ways to see the city, and with it being off-season and a weekday, it seemed as though they had the river to themselves. Oliver enjoyed the steady action of pushing them off, letting the pole drag behind the boat, and repeating the pattern over and over again, his mind free to take in the beautiful setting—mostly centered on the handsome man sitting by his knees, murmuring over the pretty sights.
“Just say when you’d like to eat and I’ll dock us.”
“Are you getting tired?” Seth asked. He let his head drop back between his elbows to smile up at Oliver.
Oliver almost forgot to push off on the pole and nearly dropped it. He cleared his throat and focused before answering, “No, not at all. It feels good to use my muscles for more than cracking books. I feel like I’ve been cooped up for months.”
They floated on, past the end of the university grounds and farther on, where huge willow trees draped across the water. The steady sound of the water against the hull of the boat was soothing.
Seth dropped his head back again to look up at Oliver. “If you decide to go with Silver, are you going to miss this?”
Oliver held the pole so that it floated out behind the punt and ran his hand through his hair, a little damp at his temples from the exertion. “I… no. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed it here. But it’s just a place.”
Seth sat back upright and nodded, looking out over the water. After a moment he said, “Can we pull over there?” He pointed to the right bank, where there were trees and not much else. It was where Oliver had been heading, anyway.
With a little effort, using his feet and the pole as leverage, he managed to run the boat alongside the stone barrier close enough to hop off easily. He dropped the pole on the ground, offered a hand to Seth to hoist him onto dry land, and they both tugged the boat up on the stone levee, sideways to keep it from drifting off.
The two of them got the blanket, cushions and hamper set up quickly and settled in. Fortunately the tree cover was thick enough that the ground wasn’t too damp from the earlier rains, and the blanket was thick wool.
When the smell of the food hit Oliver, he realized just how hungry he’d gotten. Seth took a moment to lay everything out and held up the bottle of Pimm’s with a questioning look.
“Is this soda? Or lemonade?”
“Pimm’s, my dear boy,” Oliver said with an ostentatious fake accent, “is the very essence of a British summer.” He cracked the top and poured, saying in his normal voice, “Even though it’s not summer. It’s nice and has a bit of a kick to it. Like light beer, nothing crazy.”
They dove into the food, Seth graciously thanking him for the suggestion that they eat now. Of all the good things packed in the hamper, Oliver was most excited for the scones and clotted cream. Seth made a face, saying, “I try to not eat foods with the word ‘clot’ in the name.”
Oliver scooped up a small amount of cream with a bit of scone and held it out him. “Seth,” he whined, “it’s so good, though. It’s like—hmm. It’s not sweet butter, and it’s not crème fraîche; it’s in between. Just taste it.” He made puppy eyes at Seth, wiggling the bite back and forth to tempt him.
Seth rolled his eyes and leaned forward, opening his mouth so Oliver could pop the bite in. Seth thoughtfully chewed it, closed his eyes as he swallowed and said, “Oh my God.”
“Good, huh?” Oliver said, smiling broadly and spreading more on another bite.
“Oh my God.”
Laughing, Oliver held out more, which Seth had no problem taking. Watching Seth with his eyes closed as he moaned was starting to have an effect on him, however. Oliver was growing increasingly aware of how handsome Seth was, how close they were to each other and how romantic the setting was. He needed to slow his thoughts and relax—well, as much as he could in present company; he lay down on his side, stretched out with his head propped on his hand and breathed slowly and deeply, the peace of the day beginning to creep in and settle him.
“Do we have to rush back, or anything like that?” Seth asked.
“Nope.” Oliver sighed happily. Pleasantly full, a little tired, and here in solitude with Seth in a beautiful location: It was a great day. “We can take as long as we’d like.”
“Oh, good.” Seth stretched out alongside Oliver. “So,” Seth asked, his voice soft and hesitant. “It’s just a place?”
Oliver traced his finger along the lines that made up the plaid on the blanket, a little undone by how close Seth was to him just then. He forced himself to pay attention. “What’s that?”
“Here. Cambridge. It’s just a place?”
“I… well, yes. I’m not planning on growing old here; it’s not my dream destination for my life, if that’s what you mean?”
Seth sighed pleasantly and rolled on his back, hands behind his head. “That’s what I mean.”
Oliver watched as Seth’s eyes closed and he breathed serenely, a small smile at the corners of his mouth.
“Seth, I… I realized something today. And you’re going to laugh at me because it should have been obvious.”
Seth turned his head and regarded him for a moment, and then smiled and rolled his head back where it had been and closed his eyes again. “It always did take you a bit to, um, process certain things.”
“I’ve really been unfair to you.”
Shaking his head, Seth reached out, holding his hand toward Oliver; he took it and sighed, shoulders dropping at Seth’s smile.
“And I get it. I really do.” Oliver rolled to his back, still clasping Seth’s hand in his. “I just want to be with you. I’m willing to wait, to work for it, whatever I can do. But I shouldn’t have expected you to be willing to wait.” It was upsetting to realize how wrong he’d been on that count, to realize that he’d been unconsciously hurting the person who meant the most to him. “I want you to know that to me, you’re always worth it.”
He felt Seth drop his hand and his heart lurched until he sensed Seth moving beside him. He opened his eyes to find Seth leaning over him, propped on his elbow.
“I want to be with you, too,” Seth sighed, drawing his knuckles gently down Oliver’s cheek. “I don’t think I ever stopped wanting that, honestly.” Seth laughed softly, a little sadly, too. “I don’t think I ever stopped hoping for it, Oliver, not for years. Up until now I think I’ve been upset with myself for wanting it to come true without any hope that it actually could. Nothing has hurt me like losing you did, Oliver. You were everything to me.”
Oliver reached up to take hold of Seth’s hand and kissed the backs of his fingers
, drawing his lips lightly across the soft skin as he tried to control his breathing and racing heart. Watching Seth lean to kiss him made it seem as if everything had switched to slow motion, and he marveled at the dappled light behind Seth’s head making a corona around his soft brown hair, the startling color of his eyes, his soft, pink lips barely parted as he moved closer, and then Oliver was lost in the sensation of kissing this man he loved with everything in him.
It should have felt ridiculously clichéd, the two of them in the woods on a blanket with a picnic, kissing, but for Oliver it was the furthest thing from it. It was Seth, there with him in every sense of the word, Seth who wanted him and was finally able to say it, Seth, kissing him and making tiny, needy noises at the back of his throat when Oliver’s fingers sank into his hair, holding him close.
It was perfect.
Oliver drew one hand down Seth’s back, applying a little pressure to let him know that it was okay to rest his weight on Oliver. He wanted Seth as close as he could get him. They kissed slowly, languidly, as if they had all the time in the world. Oliver wanted that to be true. He sighed and turned his head as Seth kissed along his jaw, splaying his hands against the soft fabric of Seth’s sweater and nuzzling Oliver’s hairline behind his ear. He cried out Seth’s name in a needy gasp when Seth buried his hands in Oliver’s hair and groaned softly against the tender skin of Oliver’s neck.
“I want this, Seth, I want this always.”
Seth’s breath stuttered warmly against Oliver’s skin and Oliver tightened his hold, his arms crossing over each other at Seth’s back, wanting to never let him go. The cold of the ground seeping through the blanket couldn’t compete with the warmth of Seth’s body. It stoked something inside of him. Desire, yes, but simple longing, too, to share every day between them; to have inside jokes, wordless conversations across rooms at boring parties, chores and routines and love—so much love that other people thought of them when they imagined what their own lives could be.
He wanted anniversaries and birthdays and bad days and days when they couldn’t bring themselves to leave their bed because they hadn’t loved each other enough to justify going out in the world just yet.
But it was still a want. It wasn’t an assured thing, and that was pure agony.
They held each other as their breathing evened out, even though the passion still burned in Oliver’s skin to have Seth, to kiss every inch of him while telling him that he was it, he was everything.
He drew his hand up the back of Seth’s neck to hold him close. “I love you so much.”
Seth pulled back, smiling even though hurt and longing both still shone wetly in his eyes, and said, “I know you do. I do.” He kissed each corner of Oliver’s lips and his cheek and lay back against him, arms sliding under his body to hold Oliver close. “I love you, too.”
They stayed that way for some time, holding each other, trading soft kisses and quiet murmurs of affection and need until Oliver felt almost drunk with it. His back pocket vibrated; his smartphone.
“Seth?”
“Mm?” Seth asked, kissing along the tendon of Oliver’s neck to end with him burying his nose in the tender crook of Oliver’s neck.
Oliver’s hands curled against Seth’s shoulders, holding him there as he shivered. “Hmm, that tickles. I think I just got a reply email.”
“Was that why your butt vibrated?”
Oliver nodded, and his laugh turned into a quiet moan as Seth dragged his teeth lightly along the edge of Oliver’s ear.
“Do you need to get that?” Seth whispered, making the hairs on Oliver’s arm stand up.
“Oh…” Oliver’s leg twitched from the tickling sensation coursing through him at the touch of Seth’s lips on his neck. “Well, it’s just that it might be Silver—about me going back to New York?”
Seth kissed his neck once more with a loud smack and pulled back. “Yes, I’d say you do need to get that.” He rolled off of Oliver and sat up as Oliver raised his hips to grab his phone from his back pocket. Spam, spam, department mixer invitation, and there it was: Dr. Jones’s reply.
He scanned over it quickly, smiling as he read her excitement that he was going to take them up on the offer.
He smiled up at Seth and joked, “So… got a spare sofa I can crash on for a few days?”
Seth grabbed his forearm. “You get to come?”
“I get to come,” Oliver said, smiling as Seth dropped back on top of him and kissed him breathless. Oliver wrapped his arms tightly around Seth, gave him a squeeze and rolled them over.
Seth laughed. He put his hands on Oliver’s chest and working his fingers in little circles. “And no, I don’t have a sofa that you can crash on. I have a loveseat, and even if I folded you in half you wouldn’t be able to sleep comfortably.”
“Oh. Okay, sure. Yeah, that’s—”
“Oh my God, don’t be stupid.” Seth shook his head and pulled Oliver down for another kiss, this one less frenzied.
“But Mr. Larsen, wherever shall I—ah!—sleep?” Oliver tried to act suave and pulled together, but Seth knew how much Oliver loved to have his hair tugged to expose his neck. Which was what Seth had done, and where he was currently kissing.
Seth dropped his head back to the blanket and smiled slowly and sweetly, his eyes heavy-lidded. “Mm, the bathtub, of course.”
Oliver dropped all of his weight onto Seth, earning an “Oof!” as Seth tried to draw in enough air to laugh. Still smiling, he pushed Oliver off and onto his side.
“So, what do you want to be when you grow up, Mr. Andrews?” Seth asked, pressing the flat of his hand over Oliver’s heart and working his thumb back and forth over the smooth material of Oliver’s shirt.
Oliver blinked a few times to shake off the haze of lust clouding his brain. He shook his head and laughed at himself.
“Well, I’ve thought a lot about taking what I’ve learned through research and using it to work one-on-one with people, you know? Counseling individuals and their families. But then I think that it might be better to work on a larger scale, like, run a facility that specifically targets communities where people who identify as LGBT don’t feel safe, and work on changing that.”
Seth hummed appreciatively. “Tough job.”
Oliver nodded. “That’s why I need a tough school.”
Seth sat up, folding his legs neatly to the side and poured them both fresh drinks. “So you have to figure out which school is going to help you achieve that.”
Oliver crossed his legs, leaning back on his hands, and sighed. “Yeah. I know what Cambridge has to offer; it’s just a matter of finding out exactly what Silver can do for me.”
“What does Cambridge have to offer?” Seth asked. “I want you to explain them both to me so I understand what you’re going through.”
Some of the weight that had been pressing down on Oliver lifted; Seth wanted to be a part of this. That was where Oliver had gone wrong, initially: keeping Seth out of the discussion. If they were going to come out together on the other side of this, they’d need to avoid making the mistakes they made the first time around.
Exhaling sharply through his nose, Oliver worried his bottom lip, trying to think of the best way to explain it. “Well, Cambridge carries huge prestige, so that’s helpful no matter where I go. It’s an excellent research facility. On the wobble list would be that I would mostly be on a computer. Not a lot of one-on-one or group work.”
Seth was watching him intently, nodding his head.
“I’d be acting as an administrator for most of my time here, you know, managing the project, not doing as much fieldwork.”
“And that’s what you like?” Seth asked.
Oliver ran his hand through his hair. “I… don’t know yet. On the one hand, it might be good to know how to run something this huge. It definitely could carry over.”
He was silent for a moment. Did he want to be in charge of people doing the work, or do the work himself?
“So!” Seth said, dr
awing Oliver’s attention back to the conversation. “Pros and cons for Silver?”
“For one, you’re there,” Oliver said, grinning.
Even though he blushed, Seth gave Oliver a “get serious” look. “Schools. We’re talking about schools.”
“Well, they want me because of this project I’m doing here.”
“You’d kind of be like a rock star?” Seth asked, smirking.
It was Oliver’s turn to blush. “I don’t know about that, but it would get my foot in a lot of doors there. Plus, they’re paying for all six years; I just have to work those last three. That’s going to be tight financially, but not as tight as staying here, so that’s a huge consideration. I really don’t want to keep asking my father for money. The big difference is that I’d be working with kids and their families almost right away.”
Seth looked off at the water, seemingly lost in thought.
After a few moments, Oliver said softly, “Hey, where’d you go?”
“Sorry,” Seth apologized. “Just thinking. There’s really just the one question you have to ask yourself, you know. Do you want to work in an office or do you want to work with people?”
“It’s not that… hmm.” Was it that simple? Sure, money was a big concern. He knew that his parents had invested his college money wisely and he had graduate school savings to pay for the basics, but still, he would have to live off of his savings carefully in England to pull it off. He could teach and earn a stipend, but that would seriously cut into time for his own study. That would be less of a problem in New York, as expensive as the city could be. He wouldn’t mind moving into someone’s closet if he could get a deal on rent.
“I’m just thinking of the first thing you told me about your studies when we talked in New York,” Seth said.
“Oh?” A thrill raced through Oliver at the thought of Seth having listened that intently to him when neither of them knew what would happen.
“You said that it was hard not being able to talk to people because you had to be impartial. Is that how it would be at Cambridge?”
Oliver nodded slowly, thinking. That’s exactly how it would be. He would be the face of the project, the go-between with the government. He could do that, easily. His father had made sure he was well groomed for any situation; he could put on a game face for any occasion that called for it.