by Anne Leigh
Zander heard my comment, “Brynn there’s no tie. Well, I don’t think there is. But what do I know? I’m a football player.” He leaned over to give Sedona a peck on her cheek. Every time I saw these two, they could not keep their hands off of each other. Either Zander was always touching her, or Sedona was holding his hand. They had left Sofia with Zander’s parents because she was too young to travel internationally, but during dinner last night, Sedona had her phone on almost half of the night just to keep track of Sofia.
“I’m here to watch Kieran win, so I hope he does,” Sedona said unflinchingly. Zander pulled Sedona closer to his side and whispered something, Sedona’s face turned red, and she smacked Zander’s left leg. These two would always be in the ‘honeymoon stage.’ When you looked at a guy like Zander, extremely handsome, extremely wealthy, and extremely popular, you would never think that he would be committed to one girl, with all the female population, I was sure, hoping to offer their selves to him. But all you had to see was the way he looked at her, as if the earth revolved around her. When she spoke, Zander’s gaze never left her. Even when we were in New York, before they were married, Zander often came to visit and you just knew that his love for her was beyond words. I had heard he was fast becoming one of the greatest quarterbacks in the NFA, but when you looked at him, he was the most unassuming guy, and you wouldn’t know he was the son of one of the richest guys in the country.
Ava’s voice was loud in my left ear. “Well, it seems that no one’s rooting for Swimmer Boy, so I guess it’s just me.” She looked down at her phone, obviously sending e-mails and texts as part of her daily routine. She was an extremely busy lady. I was surprised that she was even able to make the trip here for the finals. I had cried to her the other night about what was going on between Milo and Kieran, and she made the decision right there and then to fly back here to be with me. Her loyalty knew no bounds.
“Of course I’m rooting for Milo, Ava.” I was. I was rooting for both of them.
Just then, the sounds inside the Aquatic Center became deafening. Fans were waving, screaming for their revered swimmers. I caught a glimpse of Duncan, Peter, Kieran’s parents, and his brothers, Zach and Matthieu, who were sitting two rows down. They were all wearing red shirts with STONE on the back. They were so excited for Kieran. This would be a momentous occasion—one for the history books.
The crowd quieted down. The swimmers formed a line on the starting blocks, and then the sound of the electronic beep filled the air.
That was all it took.
Kieran’s reaction time was excellent. So was Milo’s.
What did you expect? They were the best there was.
They were almost head-to-head after the 14th lap.
Two more laps.
It was so hard to watch the two men I loved compete against each other. I had a feeling that it was not just about swimming to them. This was personal. They had much more invested in this swim than any of the others in the pool right now. This morning, before Kieran left my bed, he tenderly kissed me, and without a word, he left. Last night, he had given me something of himself that he has never shown to anyone. My heart blossomed with warmth at the memory.
I had received text messages from him throughout the day, updating me on what he was doing. He was with his coach, trainer, his parents came to see him, and he had met up with Zander and Sedona briefly.
Milo, on the other hand, stopped by, but he was quiet again. He stayed in my suite for twenty minutes then left to go meet up with his team. Before he left, he gave me another long hug and whispered, “You’ll always be my sister Bee and I just want the best for you.”
My gaze flew back to the pool, and Kieran and Milo were only a few meters to the wall. You couldn’t see who was ahead since it looked like they touched the wall at the same time.
I looked up at the electronic display board: Stone Tanner Sturgen Dent … I didn’t look at the rest.
Kieran’s family was jumping up and down, his brothers were blowing on their paper horns, Sedona was screaming, and Ava was clapping. I was ecstatic! Kieran had done it. He was now an unbeatable champ. I saw the other swimmers congratulate him in the water but my brother was already getting out of the pool.
“KIERAN!” “STONE!” People were cheering across the Aquatic Center. Finally, Kieran got out of the pool and waved. He was smiling widely. This was his moment of greatness. I was so proud of him. I was also proud of my brother.
Just as what seemed to be undying cheers, hoots, and screams dying down, an official from the side walked towards Kieran. Kieran lowered his head, and he was motioning with his hands. He shook his head a couple of times. What was going on?
The official and Kieran stopped off to the side, and Kieran’s coach joined them. Kieran’s coach looked livid and he was gesturing with his hand wildly. Then, they all walked towards the back, out of view.
The crowd became quiet, obviously confused at what was going on. All of a sudden, a hush fell inside the Aquatic Center. The silence was even more deafening than the screams and cheers from earlier. Kieran’s mom pointed at the electronic scoreboard. In white, bold digital letters, it said: STONE DISQUALIFIED
All the people around me were in shock. I heard Sedona’s loud gasp by my side, Zander’s “What the fuck?” and Ava’s “What’s going on?” Kieran’s parents were walking down the stands, his brothers trailing closely behind.
Kieran was being disqualified?
My eyes landed on Milo’s figure, sitting on a plastic bench, his coach and Leif were standing and talking to each other. Milo, on the other hand, looked like he was staring at the wall, into space, with his arms around his head, and then he looked down.
Call it gut feeling, instinct, ESP, or whatever you wanted to call it.
My brother’s words came back to haunt me, “I just want what’s best for you Brynn.”
Oh my God, what has my brother done?
“I dream of having a train table and set.”
~C.G., age 6, tetralogy of Fallot
The second I touched the wall, I wasn’t so sure of the results.
I felt Milo gaining speed on me the last 50 meters.
In those last few seconds, I brought out the energy I had reserved for times like these. My shoulders started to feel tight and I felt my neck muscles pull, but now was not the time to give up the fight.
Then my hand touched the wall.
The cheers were loud in the Aquatics Center, but I didn’t know if it was for me.
I removed my goggles, wiped my eyes, and squinted to look at the electronic display board above the pool.
STONE, K. USA 4:04:20 (WR)
TANNER, M. USA 4:04:28
STURGEN, L. USA 4:04:51
DENT, P. AUS 4:05:10
CERVIONE ITA 4:05:32
FLETCHER CAN 4:06:14
DAMASCOS RSA 4:07:11
PEARSONS GER 4:07:33
Leif inched towards me; fist bumped me, along with the rest of the guys on the pool. From the corner of my eye, I saw Milo wading in the water, away from the rest of us, and climbing out of the pool. Even at this moment, he couldn’t congratulate me? He and I needed to talk about Brynn, once and for all. I was waiting for the finals to be done, and then I would face him. Brynn asked me to wait. Waiting to do something was becoming a pain in the ass. How many times had I deferred to Brynn’s plea to wait? So many times. Why did I wait those many times? Because I didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want to put pressure on her more than she was already experiencing. I just up and decided that one night that I was not going to take it anymore—so I announced it to the whole world that she was mine. Great timing, Kieran. Let the world know you are dating your rival’s sister during one of swimming’s biggest events. I never thought of myself as impulsive, and the first time I gave into an impulse was that one night. I put her in a tough position, saw the struggle in her deep blue eyes when she came back that night, and then she kissed me... the whole world melted away.
On the pool de
ck, I waved at the people in the stands. They were screaming my name, and while I usually just nodded my head in acknowledgement, I guessed tonight was one for celebrations. Some people probably didn’t understand why I felt no need to jump, holler, or scream while bumping my fists to my chest after winning. I didn’t need them to understand. It was just me. I did celebrate. In my own way.
After each win, at night, no matter how late the events ran, I went back to the pool and just stood there. Just me and the water where I reigned. The stands emptied, the fans have gone, and all the competitors have retired to bed. It was just me with the quiet, undisturbed water. I let it out. I always dipped my hand down to the water, barely touching it, and then soaked it all in. I replayed my turns, my strokes, and my kicks. Each swim, each medal was special to me. Was it a sin not to jump and scream like every other winner, in front of the TV? Was it my fault that I stayed away from the limelight? Probably. Through the years, this was my celebration. It allowed me to just be me and not lose any part of the special feeling that each win brought.
Last night, I took Brynn here. After she had dinner with my family, one I couldn’t go to because I was so tired after swimming during the day, I brought her here. She held my hand the entire time. In all the years I’ve been competing, I’ve never shared my “celebratory ritual” with anyone. Not with Ace. Not with any of my friends. Not even with my family. I did with Brynn. I wanted her to see just how much each win meant to me, and my love for the sport. I shared it with her because I was sharing with her the biggest part of me. My love for the sport was in synchrony with the magnitude of feelings I had for her. In between our quiet breaths, our sandaled feet standing mere inches away from the starting blocks, our hands holding each other, I leaned closer to watch her eyes as I said the words, “This is me Brynn. This is my world. My soul lies deep within the walls of every center, every gym, and every pool I swim in. Tonight, I am handing it all to you. I want you to know that from now on, every medal I win, every step I take on that podium, I am offering it all to you. You give so much of yourself to me. I’m not trying to grant you a favor or exchanging this for anything you give me. I’m offering you my world because…I love you.”
The look on her face was priceless. Her lips started trembling and her hands started shaking as she tried to say something. It was as if her words were caught in her throat. I placed my right forefinger on her pink lips and said, “I know honey. I know you love me.” I smiled, and in a teasing voice, I asked, “How could you not love me?” She grinned, with tears running down her cheeks, and kissed me.
I was still waving at the fans cheering my name when I saw Tom, a FINA official, walk towards me.
His brows were furrowed and his mouth was in a tight line. Was he wanting to talk to me now? That was weird. Usually, the officials talked to us after the race for any discrepancies or issues to be addressed. This must be an urgent matter.
My eyes traveled up to the stands. I caught a glimpse of Duncan and Peter chatting up with some women. My parents and my brothers were there so it could not be a family issue or emergency. I saw Brynn sitting with Ace, Zander, and Ava so, no; it couldn’t be about them, either.
Tom walked briskly and motioned for me to move to the side with him.
“What’s going on?” I asked curiously. Was there an event right after us? Was the medal ceremony going to be delayed? Was my suit torn open? I lowered my hand to my back and felt my suit. No, it felt intact. I’d have known if it was otherwise.
Tom fidgeted with his hands and looked at me with suspicion? “We have to talk to your coach, Kieran.”
“Huh?” I asked, confused.
The crowd’s cheers were slowly fading away. They must have sensed that something else was going on, something out of the norm.
Coach Smith was swiftly striding towards us already. There was no need to call him. “What’s going on?” he barked out as soon as he reached us.
The other swimmers were conglomerating on one side; they knew something was up.
Tom responded to Coach Smith. “Let’s talk about this in the room.”
Coach’s voice was brimming with growing frustration. “What is this about? This is ridiculous. Kieran just swam the race of his life and you’re stealing his thunder.”
Tom said, almost regretfully, “He’s going to be disqualified.”
What? I was going to be disqualified? For what? I knew my turns were legal, according to rules. I’ve been swimming for more than a decade. I didn’t change a stroke mid-length of the pool. Completed each stroke within the quarter of the distance. Swam on my back until I touched the wall during the backstroke, with the front of my body rotated chest-side up more than chest-side down, and I didn’t have any extra dolphin kicks. Ended the breaststroke with both hands touching the wall. I could recite the rules in my sleep, and I didn’t violate any of them.
“You gotta be shitting me!” Coach arms were gesturing wildly; his face was getting flushed with anger.
Tom pulled on his arm to calm him down, and then walked away, giving us no choice but to follow his lead. He led us to a small room and sat down on a plastic chair. Another member of the officials came in; I was not familiar with him. Maybe he was new. He was carrying a leaf of papers.
Coach and I remained standing. I leaned against the wall, drying my hair with a towel I had grabbed earlier.
Tom’s voice was authoritative, and he looked straight at Coach. “Kieran failed drug testing.”
What the hell? What is he talking about? I failed drug testing?
“What?” My voice was unbelieving, indignant, and restrained. “This is a joke, right?”
The other official, who had introduced himself as Mike, said, “These are your most recent results from the random testing. You were found positive for opiates.”
Opiates? Is this for real? Was he telling me that I was positive for a drug I have never consumed, never even been near in my life?
I shook my head. “You have the wrong guy. I have never been around opiates, and never will be. Much less be around it at the biggest event of my career.”
Mike replied, pointing to a paper with a bunch of numbers and names in it, “This is you Kieran.” He was trying to make me believe that I had ingested a heinous substance with the slip of paper. “And it says right here, positive. You can dispute the results, but there is no mistake in this.”
Coach let out a multitude of swear words, and angrily he screamed, “This is not happening! I don’t know what kind of drugs you guys are inhaling, but Kieran does not do drugs! If this is some ploy you’re trying to make, I swear I will hang your balls in a platter and serve them to the fucking whales!”
Tom intervened. “Stop. I don’t think you want to create additional mess than what you’re in right now. I suggest that you dispute the charge with the committee and go from there.” He added somberly, “But for now, Kieran’s results will be null and void. He is disqualified from the event and all the other events he participated in.”
Maybe it was shock, disbelief, anger, or complete numbness. Maybe it was just that I thought I was living someone else’s life right now. Maybe it was just plain... nothing. I barely heard the voices in the room, calling my name, when I stepped outside and walked to the locker room. The motions of changing in to my regular clothes were ones that I had completed so many times in my life that it was just robotic, no thought put into it. I took out all of my things from the locker, tossed them inside my bag, and left the building. I turned my phone on, scrolled through the text messages, and missed calls. I texted my mom quickly, “Talk to coach please. I can’t talk right now.” To my brothers, I messaged, “Stay with mom and dad after they talk to coach.” To Ace, I texted, “Will talk to you later. Gotta sort some stuff right now.” And to the person who meant the most to me, I texted, “I need you.”
I didn’t wait for their responses. I just put my phone on vibrate. I needed to get out of this place. Out of the perimeter of the Aquatic Center, where my life be
gan and now my career had just ended with an accusation that I had no knowledge of but a freaking piece of paper had proven. I’ve done urine drug tests hundreds of times. They were mandatory, random, but mandatory. They were needed to ensure that the sport was clean, drug-free, and everyone was competing on a level playing field. I was competing on a level playing field. I had no freaking idea how the hell I would have opiates in my system.
I reached my hotel suite, sat on the couch for who knew how long, stared at the ceiling, and struggled to keep my mind free of the day’s events. My parents would be looking for me. Everyone would be knocking on my door, so I texted Ace again, “Please tell them I just need time to by myself. I’ll talk to you and everyone else soon.” She responded right away, “Ok.”
A few minutes or hours must have passed by; I was not sure. I heard a knock on my door. I felt her presence before I even saw her face. She was the only person, the only woman I needed right now. Her eyes met mine and her arms latched on to my body, crushing against me. Her body was shaking uncontrollably. Yes, she had heard the news already about my disqualification and probably the reason why, too.
We stood by the doorframe for a while, her face cushioned in my chest. Finally, I lifted her arms around my shoulders, wrapped her legs across my waist, and carried her to the couch.
She lifted her face, her eyes wet with tears, her lips pale, and she asked, “How are you?”
How did I answer that? I took one, two, deep breaths and exhaled twice as long.
“I’m better now that you’re here,” I replied truthfully. Her presence somehow soothed me, disentangled the frayed nerves coiled inside, and tamped the anger that was simmering underneath my skin, holding back the wrath from the injustice being served to me.
Brynn lifted her right leg to unwrap herself from my hold of her lower body. With her right leg freed, she found her footing with the other leg. She stood up; her balance was slightly off so my arm clasped her right leg to steady her. I thought she was going to lean more towards me, but she removed my hand and stepped away.