by Nicole Baart
“No!” Jess said. “Of course not. Max, my other son, was here. He’s almost fourteen.” She hoped the officer didn’t ask when exactly Max’s birthday was. The truth was, he had only recently turned thirteen.
“But Gabe said he couldn’t find Max?”
“He was sleeping. He was buried under his blankets and he’s impossible to wake up . . . Gabe must have been confused. He must have panicked.” Jess realized she was babbling, but she didn’t care. Gabe was safe—that’s all that mattered. She wanted Officer Tunis and his questions to disappear.
“And where were you tonight, Mrs. Chamberlain?”
“Eclipse Fitness,” Jess said, surprised. She wasn’t sure she wanted to tell him everything, but it was the truth. She didn’t say any more.
“And has this ever happened before?”
“Excuse me?”
“Has Gabriel been left home alone?”
“He wasn’t,” Jess said, crossing her arms over her chest to stop them from shaking. “That’s not what happened. And no. Never.”
Officer Tunis nodded once then scribbled something in his notebook. Jess wanted to snatch it away from him and read what he had written about her. About her family. “Okay, then,” he said, oblivious to or intentionally ignoring her distress. “I’d like your cell phone number in case I have any further questions.”
Jess repeated it and he copied it down carefully, then snapped his notebook shut and slid it back into his pocket.
“Do you have to file a report?” Jess asked.
He nodded.
“What does that mean?”
“We have to record everything, ma’am.”
“But—” Jess didn’t finish. Instead, she stuck out her hand. Better to get him out of her house. Out of her life. “Thanks for your help. It was nice to meet you.”
Officer Tunis shook her hand, but he didn’t seem to think that meeting Jessica was very nice at all. Before he turned to let himself out the door, he gave Jess one last, lingering look. And he didn’t appear to like what he saw.
* * *
CONVERSATION WITH FRANCESCA HOFFMAN
(October 19, 2018)
FRANCESCA HOFFMAN: IT’S SIMPLE, REALLY. THEIR JOB IS TO CONVINCE ANY PREGNANT INMATE TO GIVE HER BABY UP FOR ADOPTION.
EVAN: WHO’S “THEY”?
FRANCESCA: I HAVE SOME GUESSES, BUT I COULDN’T TELL YOU FOR SURE.
EVAN: HOW IS INFORMATION PASSED?
FRANCESCA: A BUSINESS CARD. INITIUM NOVUM ON ONE SIDE, PHONE NUMBER ON THE OTHER.
EVAN: IT’S A WHISPER NETWORK.
FRANCESCA: SURE.
EVAN: BUT WHY DO IT?
FRANCESCA: EMPLOYEES GET PAID BY REFERRALS.
EVAN: EMPLOYEES? HOW DOES THAT WORK?
FRANCESCA: MONEY IS DEPOSITED IN A BANK ACCOUNT. IT’S A NEST EGG FOR RELEASE. EVERYONE WANTS TO GET OUT, BUT IT’S HARDER THAN YOU’D THINK. ON THE OUTSIDE, I MEAN. MONEY HELPS.
EVAN: WHAT ABOUT THE BIRTH MOTHERS?
FRANCESCA: THEY’RE PAID, TOO. FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS FREE AND CLEAR.
EVAN: ARE YOU SURE?
FRANCESCA: I DON’T KNOW. I’M NOT OUT, AM I?
Francesca DJ
32, Latina, GED
Shoulder-length dark hair, blond tips. Heart tattoo on cheek.
No one knows.
MUR1, Life, 2yr 4m pp
CHAPTER 25
JESSICA SLEPT FITFULLY, dozing when Gabe was in her arms and waking with a gasp when he wasn’t. The warmth and weight of his limbs was soporific, and as long as she could feel his touch somewhere—fingers on her arm, leg thrown casually over hers, forehead to forehead on the pillow—she was okay. But then he’d roll away and Jess would feel his absence like a loss. In the morning, she was up well before her alarm clock, head cradled in her arm as she watched Gabe sleep.
His birth mother was right. Gabe was golden. Bronze cheeks and smooth, high forehead and eyes that sparkled nonstop. Some people lit up when they smiled or laughed, but not Gabe. He was lit up all the time, shining from somewhere deep within, from some source that was as mysterious to Jessica as God himself. She reached out and brushed the plane of his cheekbone with her knuckles, so softly she was sure it wouldn’t wake him, but the moment her skin grazed his face Gabe opened his eyes.
“Do we have school today?” he asked, as if he had been awake for much longer than a second or two.
Jess smiled. “Yes. Half a day. It’ll be over in no time.”
“And then Thanksgiving?”
“Well, that’s tomorrow, but yes, we have Thanksgiving break.”
Gabe whooped and did a frantic little dance that made the sheets billow around them. So Jess made a tent out of the blankets and let him burrow deep toward the foot of the bed. He was a diver, an explorer, a fox in its den. He was safe and contained and close enough to touch. Jess wished she could keep him that way for longer than a few minutes in the morning. She was no stranger to the effects of the passage of time. How quickly Max had distanced himself from her. He had gone from her little lap-sitting booklover to an independent teenager in the blink of an eye. And as much as Jess wanted to hold him near, keep him safe, she knew that Max—and Gabe—were stepping slowly but surely away from her every single day.
In the tranquil light of a new morning, a fresh start, it was tempting to just call in sick. Jess longed to skip school, but she knew that was impossible. It was cruel to even imagine. “How about a bath?” she said instead, hoping to lure Gabe out of bed. “We have time for bubbles.”
Gabe untangled himself and practically fell to the floor in his hurry to hop in the tub.
While Gabe splashed contentedly, Jess got ready for the day. It was only a half day, so a few sprays of dry shampoo and a messy bun fit the bill. As she stuck bobby pins in to secure the knot, she heard the shower turn on in Max’s bathroom. He was up too, and somehow the comforting sounds of her house in the morning were galvanizing. They could do this thing, survive one more day before relaxing into a break that would give them time to collect themselves. Jess felt like the bits of her life were scattered over the horizon, detritus in the aftermath of an explosion that left no corner untouched. They had some gathering to do. Some mending. Jess hoped Evan’s notes would help her make some sense out of it all.
In the drama of the night before, Jess had all but forgotten Evan’s backpack. When she finally climbed the stairs well after midnight, Gabe was lying wide-eyed in her bed with the lights still on. She practically tripped over the pack, but her focus was on her son. Jess nudged it to the side with her foot and promised herself that she’d get to it later.
This afternoon. Tonight. The weekend. Evan had been gone for almost five weeks, but in many ways it felt like much longer than that. Jess felt like a stranger in her own life and she longed for a bit of stability. A firm foundation on which she could stand and begin to rebuild her world. She was ready for answers. For the chance to step beyond the fog of grief and confusion that made everything feel so uncertain.
Jess was grateful that her youngest loved baths because his post-bath routine was one of his least favorite activities. Though she loved massaging the lotion into his lean, taffy limbs, he shifted and complained and sometimes escaped her ministrations before she could finish. But today he stood quietly.
“I was scared,” he said suddenly.
“What?” Jessica’s eyes flicked to his. They were big and brown and just a touch sad.
“When I woke up last night. I thought you left me.”
“Oh, honey.” Jess pulled him close, ignoring the cream that had not yet been absorbed into his skin. It would leave streaks on her shirt, but she didn’t care. “Baby, I am so, so sorry. I would never leave you.”
“Daddy left.”
Those two words tore at Jessica’s heart, shredding what was left of it. “That was different,” she managed. “Daddy didn’t leave you on purpose. He couldn’t help it.”
“What if you can’t help it?”
What if? Wasn’t that
exactly what Jess feared most? What if she couldn’t protect her sons? The thought twisted in her mind, making her irrational. She’d bite and claw and kick and steal for her kids. Move heaven and earth. Commit murder if she had to. She’d stay. Whatever it took.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Jess said, holding him at arm’s length so he could see the truth written all over her face.
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
But that wasn’t good enough for Gabe. “Pinky swear?” he asked, holding out his skinny little pinky.
Jess wrapped his tiny finger in her own and squeezed tight. “Pinky swear,” she said, sealing a covenant in her own flesh and blood.
* * *
Blessedly, school was a whirlwind of teenagers and bells and noise and the traditional Thanksgiving assembly, which included the band and orchestra and a cleverly written but poorly executed skit about gratitude. The morning passed in a blur. Jess wasn’t sure she had ever been so thankful to turn off the light and close the door to her classroom when it was all over. Her emotion was fitting, she supposed, for the holiday, but it felt like much more than a short break from school. It felt like a new beginning.
Which was why she wasn’t alarmed when she pulled into her driveway and saw Meredith’s car parked there. Jess waved to her friend, who sat in the driver’s seat as she watched them pull up. The car was still on, a cloud of exhaust pouring out of the tailpipe like a lit cigarette. Jess’s smile tilted just a bit when she realized that there was someone with Meredith. A man whose face was turned away from the passenger-side window. But from what she could see of the back of his head, he didn’t look like Todd.
“Why is Auntie Mer here?” Gabe asked, pressing both his hands against the window as he stared. The glass was filthy with his fingerprints. “And who’s with her?”
“I don’t know.” Jess put the car in park and turned it off. She had texted Meredith earlier, written three short words followed by a nondescript period. I found it. Mer knew exactly what she was talking about. Maybe she wanted to help Jess sift through Evan’s file, try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. But Jess couldn’t say that to her boys. “Maybe she wants to talk to me about our Thanksgiving plans tomorrow.”
“We’re going to Todd and Meredith’s?” Max pulled up his nose, and Jess was surprised by his obvious reluctance.
“What do you mean?” Jess yanked her door open, continuing the conversation with her eldest over the hood of the car. “You love the Bailey family.”
Max shrugged and he opened the back door for Gabe. The little boy scrambled out and raced toward the house, eager for a lunch of “anything goes” like Jess had promised on the way home. But Max didn’t follow his brother. He stood next to the car, waiting for Meredith and her mystery guest to appear around the corner of the garage. They could hear her engine stop and then a single car door slam shut.
“Hey, Mer.” Jess smiled when Meredith walked around the corner. “Good timing. Would you like a cup of tea or something?”
But the set of Meredith’s face made the world feel suddenly unstable. She acknowledged Max’s presence with an indecipherable look and a curt nod, then turned her attention to Jess. “We need to talk,” she said. “In private.”
Jess felt goose bumps prickle her skin. “Max,” she said, “why don’t you go help your brother with lunch?”
“He can make himself a peanut butter sandwich.” Max folded his arms across his chest and glared at Meredith.
Where was this animosity coming from? But Jess didn’t have the luxury of wondering right now. She needed obedience. “Go,” she said sternly. “Now.”
Max turned his glower on Jess, but she held his gaze and in the end he gave in. Stalking from the garage, he shot Meredith one last black look and slammed the door to the house behind him.
“Sorry,” Jess said. “I don’t know what that was all about.”
But Meredith didn’t seem to have registered Max’s rude outburst. She took a few steps toward Jess and stopped. One more step and then she checked herself and thrust her hands deep into the pockets of her wrap coat. Meredith sighed hard through her nose, lips puckered and turned down at the edges as if she was trying not to cry. “I’ve never had to do this to a friend before.”
“What?” Jess sank back, her heart crumbling to pieces in her chest. It skipped a beat. Two. “What are you talking about? What’s going on?”
Suddenly Jess caught sight of the man who had been in the car with Meredith. He had slipped quietly from the vehicle and was standing in the shadows just outside the garage door. He wasn’t wearing his uniform, but Jess immediately recognized his baby face. It was Officer Tunis.
“What are you doing here?” Jess’s voice squeaked. She hated herself a little for being so transparent, so clearly moved. What did she have to be afraid of? But even as she berated herself, she realized that Meredith was talking.
“ . . . not for long,” she was saying. “We’ll get this all straightened out in no time.”
“Wait. We’ll get what straightened out?”
“Custody,” Meredith said, and the word landed at Jessica’s feet like a bomb.
“Custody? Of my kids? What are you talking about, Meredith?”
Jess watched as her friend cupped her face in her hands for a moment. Her shoulders shook like she was sobbing. But when she looked up again, Meredith’s gaze was almost cold. She walked quickly to where Jessica was standing and took her by the shoulders. “You have to trust me,” Meredith said. “How long have we been friends? Years. It’s been years and years. You’re like a sister to me. I hate having to do this, but I have no choice.”
“You always have a choice,” Jess whispered, shrugging off Meredith’s heavy hands.
“It’s my job, Jessica. What would you have me do? Would you rather have someone else standing here? Someone who thinks you’re a terrible, neglectful parent and that your kids are better off without you?”
“Do you think that?” Jess could hardly utter the words.
“Of course not. But I don’t get to decide. You want the official spiel?” Meredith clamped her mouth shut, her jaw working as she wrestled with herself. “Fine. Someone called the hotline. You’re being investigated for neglecting your children. I’m supposed to interview them each separately right now, make them take off their clothes so that I can inspect their bodies for bruises or cuts or burns.”
A sob escaped Jessica’s lips, but Meredith kept going.
“It’s my job to look in your cabinets and determine whether or not you have nutritious food in your home. I’ll walk through your house in search of unsafe living conditions, for filth or rats or bugs.”
Jess gasped for air, sucking in the cold afternoon so that it chilled her to the bone. She could feel herself go numb from the inside out, a hollow, terrible feeling that cemented her to the ground where she stood. She was petrified, frozen in time by shock and hurt and horror that was too great to bear. “No,” she said, but the word was formless and empty, a futile cry.
“I’m not going to do those things,” Meredith said softly, leaning toward Jessica so that Officer Tunis would not hear. “I pulled some strings. I’m not going to make your boys take off their clothes for me.”
Jess whimpered.
“But I have to walk through and do a home inspection. Everything has to be documented. You understand that, don’t you?”
No, Jess did not understand. She didn’t understand anything anymore, including how her heart could possibly keep beating inside of her chest. This was a nightmare. It was worse than a nightmare.
“And instead of assigning Max and Gabe to a Safe Families home in the area,” Meredith continued, “I’ve been given clearance to place them with your dad and Anna.”
When her legs started to give, Meredith wrapped her arms around Jessica’s waist and frog-walked her over to the low bench where the boys sometimes sat to pull on their boots. Jess fell on it, knocking her head against the wall so hard that sh
e had to drop her forehead in her hands to stop the world from spinning. But maybe it was careening anyway, detonating like a charge so that when the dust settled there would be nothing left. A void.
“You can’t do this,” Jess said into her palms. Even she didn’t know who she was talking to. Meredith, Officer Tunis.
“I wish I didn’t have to,” Meredith said. She crouched down and took Jessica’s hands in her own. “Look at me. Come on, Jess. Look at me.”
Jessica somehow managed to force her eyes to meet Meredith’s gaze. There were a few dots of mascara on her friend’s cheeks, evidence that Meredith had been rubbing her eyes recently. Crying? Jess hoped so. She hoped that her life and her family were worth a few of Meredith’s tears. More than that. Jess hoped that this was killing her best friend, that she felt as gutted as Jessica did. Fight for me, she wanted to say. And wasn’t that what she had been aching for all along? For someone to fight for her, to come kicking and screaming, soul bared and heart in hand, ready to battle. But maybe Jessica would have to fight for herself.
“Do it,” Jess bit the words. “Get it over with.”
“Listen to me—we’ll work it out.” Meredith squeezed her hands, tried to give her a slight smile.
Jess wanted to slap her.
“I promise. They’ll be back in no time.”
But Jess barely heard her. She had made a promise to Gabe and she wasn’t about to break it. Her boys could go to her father’s house. But in a day, maybe two, she’d have them back. She would do anything it took. Anything.
* * *
Dear Jessica,
I feel like Hansel, leaving crumbs all along the way. It’s ridiculous, I know.
I’m overreacting. But I know too much to believe this is as innocent as it looks, and I don’t want to leave you without an explanation.
Love makes a family, and sometimes love tears a family apart.
I’m so sorry I let it tear apart ours.
CHAPTER 26