Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  “I have no idea what the question was.” I sounded out of breath, and I wanted to kick myself for being unable to gather my thoughts and come up with a good retort.

  His face lit up with a bright smile as he did his soft laugh and headshake thing again. It’d been so long since I’d seen him do it, that it sent a warming comfort through my body. Then he settled back into the couch again, seemingly relaxed, despite our fiery conversation. “I asked, what’s going to stop you from engaging me in a conversation that could test the boundaries we have set in place?”

  Frustrated, I balled my hands into fists at my sides and groaned. “You’re making this harder than it has to be, Axel. Think about who you’re talking to for a moment. Take a step back, and look at us for who we are. We aren’t the typical guy and girl with feelings for each other. Take a look at me. You already know I’ve never been in a relationship. What do you think that means? It means I’ve never kissed anyone, and if I haven’t done that, it should come as no surprise that I’m a virgin.” I’d been so wrapped up in my irritation and explanation that my words didn’t register until after they’d left my lips. Embarrassment flooded me until it left me unable to do anything other than open and close my mouth like a fish on land.

  “You’re right, that doesn’t come as a shock to me. But it also doesn’t mean anything, either. You think virgins can’t lose themselves in the heat of the moment? Or that just because you’ve never been touched means you have no desire to be?”

  “That’s not what I meant. Of course I don’t believe that. I have hormones just like any other girl, virgin or not. But what you’re not understanding, is that I’m not like any other girl.”

  “I do understand that, Bree. That’s what hooked me first.”

  My shoulders relaxed and my fists loosened at his caring words, his husky tone. “What I’m trying to say is…it doesn’t matter if I want to kiss you or not. I’m not the kind of girl that will talk about it. I’m too shy and uncomfortable to say things like that to you—or anyone.”

  “And what I’m saying is…what happens when you are comfortable enough to admit it? I get your argument. I see your points, but you’re not hearing me. You’re the one that said to take a step back and look at this for what it is. Now I’m telling you to take a step back and look a little bit further down the road. You won’t always be uncomfortable telling me how you feel or what you want. You won’t always be shy around me. What happens then?”

  “School is over in three months. I’m quite certain I won’t overcome those fears that fast.” I knew I sounded defiant, and maybe I was. But I didn’t know how else to be. I could tell how desperate he was for me to concede to his point, however, I couldn’t. Agreeing with him meant we wouldn’t be together, and I wasn’t ready to wave the white flag just yet.

  “Do you know something I don’t? Are you graduating as a junior and didn’t tell me? Or am I losing my job? Because yes, summer starts in three months, but three months after that, school will resume. And we’ll be right back to being teacher and student again.”

  “But you won’t be my teacher.”

  A sarcastic laugh echoed throughout the room. “Stop being so naïve, Bree. It doesn’t matter if you’re in my class or not. I’m forbidden to date any student in the school. If you were a senior right now, this wouldn’t even be an issue. But we’re talking about over a year of keeping our hands to ourselves.”

  “Am I not worth the wait?”

  He punched the armrest and stood, running his fingers through his hair as he paced the length of the room. “Want me to spell it out? Fine.” He dropped his hands, squared his body with mine, and narrowed his gaze as he loomed over me from a few feet away. “Are you worth waiting for? Hell yes. You’re worth everything. I’ve told you this half a dozen times, yet you never believe me. But this isn’t about what you’re worth. It’s about being realistic.”

  His aggressive tone caused my muscles to tense as I sat in front of him, watching his exasperation pour out of him in waves that threatened to take me under.

  “You want to go back to the way things were. Well, that’s unrealistic. It can’t happen. We might be able to pull it off for a few weeks, but eventually, one of us will crack—more than likely me. I’m a passionate guy, Bree. When I like someone, I want to tell them. It may start out with me telling you how beautiful you are, which sounds innocent because it is. But then what happens when you come to school in the spring wearing a skirt, or a dress, showing off legs I’ve never seen? I’ll probably spend the entire time in class thinking about how sexy they are, and before I know it, I’ll be daydreaming about them wrapped around my waist. And then I’d have to hide behind the podium for the rest of the day to conceal what you do to me. Somewhere along the way, I’m going to want to tell you that. I’m going to find the need to tell you how sexy you are, how much you turn me on, and all the things I’d do to your body that I’d give my left nut for if I had the chance.”

  The throbbing in my core returned, but I had to block it out and be rational. “All I keep hearing from you is what will happen when. We could go all night discussing hypothetical situations, but it won’t do us any good. Since you seem to know it all, tell me, Axel, what do you suggest we do?”

  He shuffled his feet for a second, sucking on his teeth in thought before shrugging. “I don’t know, Bree. I ended things two weeks ago for this very reason. I thought that would be best. No contact, so that way we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.”

  “So that’s what you want? Go back to ignoring each other?”

  His throat worked as he swallowed hard and then gave me two short, jerky head shakes. “No. I said I thought that it would be best. I’ve never said that’s what I wanted. You asked me what I thought we should do.”

  “Let me rephrase. What do you want to do?”

  His eyes lit up before they scanned my body. “Rip your clothes off, lick you from head to toe, and make you scream until you’re sweaty and your throat is sore.”

  I laughed nervously and rolled my eyes, not wanting him to know how much of an effect his words had on my body. “I’m being serious, Axel.”

  “So am I, Bree. Which is why this is a bad idea. We’re miserable without each other. But we can’t be together without endangering my career and your reputation—or worse, without me seeing the inside of a jail cell. So the way I see it, we either spend a year in misery, wait it out, and then try again after you graduate, or take a chance and gamble it all.”

  He had a point, but I wasn’t about to let it go that easily. I still had more fight left in me. “You know, there is such a thing as smart gambling. Know your cards, know the risk, and only play with what you’re willing to lose.”

  “I don’t know if I’m willing to lose my job, Bree.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” I said, and then waited until he sat back down on the couch. “You can come up with all the what-ifs you want. But I don’t live my life by that. If I left everything up to chance, I would’ve given up years ago. You can’t live and make decisions based on fear of the unknown. People will do things in their own lives, make mistakes and poor choices, and sometimes, those things will affect you. I should know. I’m living proof of it. But if you allow every possible scenario to dictate what you do, then you’ll miss out on so much. Because when you factor in other people, the consequences are endless.”

  “So what do you suggest we do?”

  “Write our own guide. We already know where the brick walls have been placed. We know where we can and can’t go, what we can and can’t do. So, we set our own limits, our own rules. Who better to do that than us, right? If my bare legs will hang you out to dry, I will always wear jeans. If your detailed description of what you want to lick and how you want to do it makes me uncomfortable, then keep it to yourself.” I gained a laugh from him for that.

  “You really think it’s going to be that easy?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  Axel leaned back into the co
uch and stretched his feet out in front of him. “Okay, so what are these rules? And are any of them negotiable?” he asked, and wagged his eyebrows at me.

  I waved off his teasing but answered anyway. “For starters, I think we should keep our actions at school the way they are now. No more sitting at your desk during first period, and you can’t look at me or smile in my direction.”

  “Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how hard that’s been?”

  “No, I’m not kidding. For the first week of your silent treatment, Jill and Rebecca made comments about it. They accused us of having a lover’s spat. Girls notice things, especially ones that have a thing for you. Which, I can tell you, is almost every female student in the school, and probably a few guys.”

  “They said what?” His eyes nearly bulged out of his head.

  “It’s a non-issue. I’ve taken care of it, and they’ve stopped commenting about it. No one is saying anything anymore, but it doesn’t change the fact that they noticed. They paid attention to our morning talks, and probably the way you smile at me, and it gave them reason to question our relationship.”

  “How do I smile at you?”

  My face flamed, but I couldn’t make it stop. “Like you’re really happy. Like we have some kind of secret inside joke that no one else gets. You don’t smile like that at anyone else—at least I’ve never seen it.”

  “Maybe that’s because you make me really happy. And we do share something that no one else understands. But I never realized it was anything noticeable.”

  “Well, it is. So it can’t happen anymore. Stay up front at your podium. And don’t look at me, either.”

  “I can’t even look at you?”

  I couldn’t stop my laughter. He made it sound as if I’d told him he couldn’t breathe. “No. Because you don’t just glance at me, your eyes stop when they meet mine. And then they get this sparkle in them like a kid in a candy store.”

  “Is it really that obvious?”

  “It really is, Axel.”

  “So how come you had no idea how I felt about you?”

  I held his stare, and for some reason, I wanted to cry. I didn’t, though. I only felt like I could, like I was so full of emotion that it needed to come out one way or another. “I never believed you would’ve ever been interested in someone like me.”

  He pulled himself over until he sat on the cushion next to mine, his body turned so that he faced me with his arm resting on the top of the couch behind my head. He lifted his free hand until his fingers grazed my cheek, and I had to fight against closing my eyes at his touch. “One of these days, Bree, I’ll have you believing in yourself. You’ll know just how much you’re worth, and you won’t doubt yourself for a minute.”

  I had no words for that, because I did believe him. Just being around him made me more self-assured, stronger, and willing to take on the world.

  “So…what other rules do we have?” He gave me an easy grin and leaned back, offering enough space to allow me to breathe properly again. “Phone calls? Can we still make those?”

  “Yes, of course. And text messages. But you can’t be naughty, even if you’re joking. I don’t need to know the thoughts or images in your head. If you wouldn’t say it to your grandma, don’t say it to me.”

  “Fine. I’ll keep my opinions to myself. And in turn, you aren’t allowed to wear shirts that show your cleavage. Or ones that are thin enough to show your bra. Speaking of bras, you have to wear the ones that have enough lining so when you’re cold, your nipples don’t show. You know what? Just line your closet with baggy jeans and turtlenecks and you’ll be fine.”

  “No saying the word ‘nipple.’”

  “Nipple? That’s not a bad word. Everyone has them.”

  “If they’re no big deal, everyone has them, then it shouldn’t be a problem when mine are obvious.”

  “Fine, I won’t say that word,” he said with a pout, which only made me laugh.

  “No touching. Of any kind.”

  “Hand holding?”

  I gave it some thought, twisting my lips as I imagined what it would be like to feel my hand in his as something more than him helping me off the ground or leading me somewhere. “Yeah. I guess that will be fine. But if it leads to wanting more, we have to stop.”

  “Anything else?”

  “One more thing. I can’t come over here anymore. It tends to either begin or end with me in tears on your lawn.”

  “If I can’t look at you in school, and you can’t come here, how will I hold your hand?” His eyes lit up again in humor as he teased me with his valid question.

  “Maybe coming here isn’t completely out of the question. But not anytime soon. And if I do stop by, I don’t think it’s a good idea if I come inside.”

  I watched as he licked his lips before nodding slowly. “Okay. I can agree to all that. But I think the biggest rule should be that we always communicate. If you get freaked out or confused, let me know. If I say or do something that makes you uncomfortable, tell me. And if we need to add more rules or amend any existing ones, we need to talk about it. If we’re going to do this, Bree, we have to be as open and as honest as we possibly can be. Deal?”

  “Deal,” I said with a smile so big, it made my cheeks ache. “I feel like we should shake on this or something.”

  “We could kiss on it.”

  I couldn’t tell if it was meant as a joke or not, but either way, it put the thought in my head. Before I could say anything, my mind had already conjured images of his lips on mine. “I’ve never kissed anyone before, Axel. I don’t even know how to.”

  His arm fell from the back of the couch, his hand landing on top of mine. “It was a joke, Bree. But eventually, I will kiss you, and it won’t matter one bit that you don’t know how. I’m a teacher, remember? I’ll teach you how.”

  I allowed myself to relax enough to let a grin spread across my lips. “A history teacher that sucks at grammar. That doesn’t bode well for your case, Mr. Taylor.”

  “Guess you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”

  I lowered my head in an attempt to hide my embarrassment and caught the time on my watch. “Well, I have about five minutes left of my birthday. I’m sure my mom will be home soon. I should probably head back before she locks me out.”

  We both stood awkwardly in front of each other before I turned to head for the door. I could see our reflection in the glass and I stopped just shy of reaching for the handle. Axel reached around me and slid the door open, leaning into my back with his chest. “Happy birthday, Aubrey,” he whispered in my ear, which ignited a fire inside my body. I no longer registered the cool weather seeping in through the open door.

  I spun around, our faces only inches apart. My hands fisted into his shirt, and I held myself steady on my wobbly knees. “Our deal can start tomorrow. I now have four minutes left of my birthday. In the fairy tale, the prince must kiss the princess before midnight.”

  He cupped my cheeks in his warm hands, bringing our faces even closer until our noses touched. “This is what you want?” he asked, and I nodded. “Then, by all means, princess, happy birthday.” And then he pulled my mouth to his soft, warm lips.

  The kiss didn’t last long, and he kept it gentle. It was full of passion without turning passionate. I didn’t have to worry about what to do with my tongue, because he pulled away before getting there.

  It was perfect.

  It was sweet.

  But it was dangerous. Because I spent the entire walk home thinking about it. I spent the entire time in the shower wondering when it would happen again. And then I laid in bed for what seemed like hours, imaging what it would be like to do more.

  School was out Monday for President’s Day, but that didn’t mean I slept in. I woke up with a slight headache, probably from the wine the night before. I’d felt fine and sober when I went to sleep, so I didn’t understand the lingering effects. I also didn’t understand how my mom could drink more than I had, yet wake up a
nd go to work as if it were nothing at all. Maybe time grows tolerance.

  My headache didn’t keep me down, though. Soon after waking up, I received a text message. It was the first time in over two weeks that my phone had made any kind of sound other than to alert me to a low battery. Needless to say, my heart jumped in anticipation at the sound.

  Good morning, beautiful. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Have a good day and I’ll talk to you later.

  I didn’t respond, only because I didn’t understand the rules. I felt foolish as I pondered my decision. I wanted to tell him good morning as well, but he ended it with talk to you later, which to me, sounded a lot like the end of a conversation. But I didn’t allow myself to dwell on it too much before closing the phone with a smile and stuffing it into the pocket of my jeans.

  My mom wasn’t home when I made it downstairs, and I wondered if she had come home at all throughout the night. This would be where most kids called to make sure their parent was okay, but not me. If I called out to her, she’d accuse me of being nosy and checking up on her. I decided to make a bowl of oatmeal and enjoy the silence of the house while reminiscing about my kiss with Axel.

  Those thoughts got me through the day until his call came in later that evening. Mom had ended up coming home around three and spent the rest of the afternoon and night in her room. She didn’t speak to me, and I didn’t speak to her, but I was okay with that. I didn’t want to let her ruin my mood.

  “You know, you don’t have to give me compliments now. Just because we’re no longer hiding or denying our feelings for each other doesn’t mean you have to talk to me any differently,” I said after climbing in bed with the phone to my ear.

  “Are you referring to the beautiful comment? Bree, you have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to say that to you. But if it makes you uncomfortable, then I’ll stop.”

  It was a good thing we weren’t face to face, because my cheeks flamed with shyness. “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I just don’t want you thinking you had to say mushy stuff to me.”