Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  She turned and headed down a hallway beyond the living room. I followed, unsure of where we were going, but not really caring. As long as I remained with her, walking further into her house instead of out the front door, I didn’t care if she took me to the bathroom.

  But she didn’t take me to a bathroom. She opened the door to a bedroom, peeked inside, slowly closed it back, and then went to a room across the hall. She flipped on the lamp beside the bed, offering the room a soft glow, and then quietly closed the door behind me. There wasn’t much to the room other than a bed with high, painted and glossed posts, and a tall dresser that matched. Aubrey sat on the edge of the bed while I studied the designs, moving farther in to the room, exploring each of the pieces of furniture with my fingertips.

  “Is this the guest room?”

  When I didn’t hear an answer, I turned back to her, catching her peering up at the ceiling with her hands twisted in her lap. It took me back six years, watching her search for the answers in the air around her.

  “What am I missing, Bree?” I asked slowly, almost afraid of the answer.

  “This is my room,” she whispered, and lowered her head.

  My eyes frantically searched the room, wondering why she’d led me to the room she shared with her husband. But then it hit me. This was not a master suite. There was no bathroom attached, and even more glaringly obvious, there were no signs of any male living there. I stilled, slowly bringing my gaze back to her bed. I knew I had to tread carefully, not wanting to come across as accusatory. “Your husband must be a small guy if you both fit on this bed together.”

  She spun the band on her finger before pulling it off and holding it up between us. “I wear this for work, hoping it’ll ward off some of the creeps that go there. I had it made after Ayla was born. Her name is inscribed on the inside.”

  “Why…” I had to shake my head and take in a deep breath in order to calm myself down enough to ask her the first question that popped into my mind. “Why did you let me believe that you were married?”

  Her hands fell to the mattress as she shrugged, dropping her gaze from mine. “I don’t know. I’ve grown so much without you, Axel. I’ve become a very different person. And I thought that if I pushed you away, kept you out of my life, it would be better for me. I can’t go back to being the defenseless girl you fell in love with. I’ve come too far to go back to being that person. And I don’t know how to be any other way around you. Look at tonight. Look at how defeated I am.”

  “That’s because your father was hospitalized after an idiot ran a red light and smashed into him. That has nothing to do with me. For one second, imagine how you would be had I not shown up at the hospital. Had I not been there for you.” I couldn’t take how she refused to meet my eyes, so I moved around the bed, sat on the edge, and faced her.

  “I know. Okay? I get it.” Finally, her fierce attitude began to show itself. “But it doesn’t change things. I have a life—a very good life. And from what you’ve said, yours has been shit. I don’t need that in my life, Axel. I have Ayla to think about. It’s not just about me anymore. It’s no longer about what we used to have. It’s about what I have now…and I won’t risk that for anything. For anyone.”

  Something in her tone led me to believe this was her closure. This was her way of letting me go. And if that was the case, I wouldn’t leave without complete closure. Without absolute clarity. “What about Ayla’s father. Where is he?”

  “He’s never been there.”

  “What?” I asked, wide-eyed. “Never? Not even when she was a baby and you were in school? What about financially? Does he at least pay child support?” I had no right to ask those questions, but I hated the thought of Bree doing everything on her own.

  “Do you remember how I told you I was sick and had to go to the hospital…right before my mom died? Well, that’s when I learned that I was pregnant. My dad took me away. I was four hours away from her father. I didn’t want a fight or problems, so I did what I had to do. I had the support of my new family, and that’s all that I needed.”

  “So he doesn’t even know about her?”

  She licked her lips and sighed. “No. And I don’t regret that decision.”

  “Who is he?” I knew once I had a name there would be no stopping me from finding him and making him start contributing financially to her.

  “Just someone from school. I was in a place where I needed him. I needed to feel secure and safe. And he gave me that. He gave me exactly what I needed.”

  I felt sick, knowing that my leaving had pushed her into the arms—the bed—of another male. I broke her heart and left her to seek the comfort of someone else, when it should’ve been me. I should’ve been the one taking care of her, fathering her children when the time was right for both of us. Not some douchebag that went about his life without the knowledge of his own kid.

  “Stop, Axel. I can see your brain working. Don’t worry about me. You have no reason to feel sorry for anything. In a way, you leaving saved me. With you, I had no reason to fight back, no reason to grow a backbone and become strong enough to stand on my own two feet. I had you. You were my defender. But without you, I had to learn to do it on my own. Had you stayed in my life, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to leave my mom’s. I wouldn’t have wanted to go to my dad’s and be four hours away from you. I won’t lie, the road I took to get me here has been bumpy and sometimes unpaved, but I didn’t stop. I didn’t give up or back down. And I did it all without leaning on anyone—well, I occasionally leaned on my family, but that’s what they’re there for.” The way she spoke told me that she meant every word.

  I relaxed on the mattress as my shoulders slumped forward, feeling defeated. All I’d ever wanted to do was protect her. Be there for her when she needed me…when she needed anyone. But hearing her now, I realized I would’ve never been able to do any of those things. I’d held her back. I’d ruined her. And the only reason she survived was because I had turned my back on her. Abandoning her is what saved her. The realization hit me hard and made me feel weaker than ever before.

  “What about you? How did you end up here?” she asked with concern and curiosity in her tone.

  I didn’t want to tell her my whole sordid past, but I had to. She needed to know the road I’d taken to get me to where I was. After all, she’d told me hers. “Well, after the whole fallout with the school, I packed everything up, put it all in storage, and stayed with my parents for a little while. I ended up telling them everything, and even though they were disappointed in me, they said they trusted me, and if I’d fallen in love with a student, it couldn’t have been careless. And they trusted me enough to know I wouldn’t have put you in harm’s way. But even with their support, I began to drown in my own grief. I thought you threw me under the bus, so on top of losing my job, moving back in with my parents, and essentially starting all over again, I had to do so with a broken heart.

  “They finally kicked me out after two months of me doing nothing but moping around the house. They said they needed to be firm with me, otherwise I’d drift away into nothingness. I moved one town over, got a job that my dad helped me get doing landscaping, and spent my weekends at the bars. Weekends went from Saturday nights to include Fridays as well. Then I added Sunday afternoons. At some point, whether I got drunk or not, I’d pour a drink every night. Sometimes it was just something to drink, and other times, it was to numb the pain.”

  “Pain from what?” she asked hesitantly.

  I shrugged. “From everything? From you, not teaching, being alone. Take your pick. I literally fell down the proverbial rabbit hole. When I was really lonely, I searched for someone that I could at least pretend made me feel the way you did. But no one ever could. No one laughed with me like you did, or made me smile like you could. After so long, I started to think you were a facet of my imagination. Every time I’d tell someone about you—about us—they’d say ‘women like that don’t exist.’ I started to think you were nothing but a
dream that I’d always wake up from.”

  “I don’t understand, Axel. You left me. Why were you so heartbroken?”

  I leaned forward with my hand on the bed next to her, needing to be close enough to see the look in her eyes. “I didn’t want to leave you, Bree. That wasn’t by my choice. I never wanted to turn my back on you. But the way the school sounded that morning, I had nothing else to believe except that you’d told them everything. Well, mostly everything. I left thinking you’d turned your back on me.”

  “But I didn’t,” she whispered, her warm breath hitting my face.

  “I didn’t know that then.”

  “You could’ve asked me.”

  “As far as I knew, Bree, if I had gone to you, asking you what’d happened, you’d run back to the school and I’d look like a stalker. You have to remember, I was under the impression that you’d gone to them first. So going to you, asking you what you said, was not an option for me. Your mom would’ve come after me, and I wouldn’t have been able to get by unscathed.”

  “It’s weird how things work out, isn’t it? Because of a misunderstanding, both of our lives changed dramatically. You were always the strong one, and that one thing made you crumble. Yet the weak one grew wings and flew.”

  God, the image of her with wings like the angel she is, soaring above the tragedy, did something to me. It healed one of the many broken pieces inside. I locked eyes with her, our heavy breaths mingling in the small space between our faces. The heat surrounding my body grew, making my skin tingle. And then she spoke, her words dousing me like a bucket of cold water.

  “So you drank a lot? Do you still?”

  I shook my head before slowly backing away, realizing just how close our lips had become. “No. Almost two years ago, I decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore. It wasn’t like I drank all day every day, but I knew if I kept going the way I was, it wouldn’t be long before I’d get there. I didn’t want to completely waste my life or get to the point of no return. I missed teaching, and I’d never be able to do that again if I didn’t make a change. So I stopped drinking with the support of my sister. She and Danny ended up moving and took me with them. I lived with them, spending time getting my life straight, and helped them with their kids. Tracii’s the one that actually convinced me to teach primary age.”

  “How many kids do they have now?”

  “Two. Their oldest is six, just started first grade, and damn that little girl is smart. They had a little boy, who’s now three, and he’s one of the reasons I wanted to be a better person. Tracii and Danny stopped visiting me because they said they didn’t want the kids around my drinking. I guess I’d reached the sloppy stage, and they didn’t want the kids to remember me that way. So when I called Tracii and told her how I wanted to be sober, she didn’t even hesitate to offer her support. She offered me a room in their new house and told me that as long as I stayed away from the drinking, I could live there and work on getting my life back on track.

  “I spent the first bit helping out around the house…cooking, cleaning, helping with the kids. Kind of like the housekeeper and nanny,” I said with a laugh, remembering that Danny had oftentimes introduced me to his friends as his manny. “And then I took the test to teach primary education. I loved being around my niece and nephew, and knew it was something I wouldn’t mind doing forever. Plus, it alleviated those pesky lines of right and wrong.”

  “I was so scared you wouldn’t be able to teach again.” Her whispered voice brought me out of my thoughts, reminding me where I was.

  “No. They didn’t fire me. I ended up leaving on my own accord—I resigned. So there was nothing they could really do. Apparently, they didn’t have enough on me to prove that I’d done more than befriend a student. And although it’s frowned upon, it’s not grounds for termination.”

  Her shoulders slacked and a sigh of relief left her lips. “I know you told me that you moved here for a teaching job, and then I saw you at Ayla’s school, but I didn’t know if you were allowed to teach because it was a different district. I didn’t know if it mattered.”

  “Had I been fired, no school would’ve touched me. I would have had my credentials revoked and my file permanently tagged. And I guess so much time lapsed between that nothing was reported when I applied for the position.”

  “So you’re here for good now?”

  I nodded, staring at the wall behind her head to keep from seeing her reaction. I didn’t want to witness her disappointment if she didn’t want me there. “I mean, I’m only a substitute. My job isn’t permanent by any means. But right now, in Ayla’s class, there might be a chance I could stay for at least the remainder of the year. I’m sure you’ve heard, her teacher suffered a heart attack over the weekend, and they’re not sure if she’ll come back. I’m filling in for her until a decision is made. And then I’ll find out if my position will carry into next year or not.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be her teacher.”

  “Why not?” I asked, feeling slightly offended.

  She tilted her head and regarded me with soft eyes. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea with everything we’ve been through.”

  I reached out and settled my palm against her cheek, feeling her soft skin beneath the pads of my fingers. “Bree, I promise it’ll be fine. I won’t show her any special treatment, or take anything out on her. You’ve taught me a lot, and one of those things is that no matter the situation, I need to remain professional.”

  “I know.” Her clipped tone implanted doubt and I didn’t know what my next move should be. But she didn’t bat my hand away or move back from my touch. Instead, she covered my hand with her own, holding my palm to her face. Her touch held just enough tenderness, giving me the courage to move in, albeit painstakingly slow, until my lips barely brushed hers. Testing the waters, still unsure of myself and the direction we were heading. It was so hard to go slow. For the minute my lips touched hers, a familiarity resonated within.

  And then I heard her slight intake of air.

  The sound of that one gasp was enough to send me over the edge, diving into the depths of the abyss. The memories of us swarmed me. I couldn’t stop myself from pressing my mouth into hers further, gradually leaning in until our chests collided. Worry over her pushing me away quickly faded the second her arms circled my neck, holding me to her. She held onto me as if I were something to be treasured. As if she would never let go. I deepened the kiss, parting her lips with my tongue, and finally seizing what’s always been mine.

  I pressed into her until I had her on her back, my body gently covering hers. She adjusted her legs, automatically fitting them on either side of my hips as I nestled into her. I’d been in this position once before—in the back yard so many years ago—but this time, I had no intention of leaving our clothes on. I’d had many dreams over the years, wondering what it would be like to have her naked beneath me as I sank into her, watching the pleasure take over her features. And the mere thought of those dreams finally coming true had me hard as I rocked against her.

  My lips moved to her neck, and I tasted her sweet skin with my tongue. “If you’re waiting for me to stop this, Bree…it’s not going to happen this time. So if you don’t want this, you’re going to have to be the one to put an end to it,” I rasped into her ear as I kept up with the movements of my hips.

  She grabbed the sides of my face, bringing it to hers, and then thrust her pelvis into mine. “I’m not going to stop you, Axel.”

  That’s all I needed to hear.

  I trailed my lips down her perfect neck, dipping my tongue into the crevice at the bottom of her throat. Her smooth, porcelain skin broke out in chill bumps as her breathing turned ragged, her chest heaving up and down beneath my face. I continued my trail to her cleavage and licked the tender area between her breasts. My mind might’ve been playing tricks on me, but it seemed as though they’d grown over the years. She’d never had a large chest, but she’d filled out more,
enough to fill my hand.

  With each kiss, each swipe of my tongue on her skin, she held my head and encouraged me to move further down her body. By the time I made it to her stomach, my hands were beneath her shirt, lifting it up to expose more of her to me. I was so impossibly hard, looking at her from this angle and watching her stomach dip with my breath, that I feared I wouldn’t actually make it through the entire duration.

  Bree sat up, pushing me back with her body as she finished pulling her shirt off, throwing it on the floor next to the bed. I couldn’t take my eyes off her cotton-covered chest, and I became entranced the moment she reached around and released her bra. My breathing, which had been harsh and incontrollable just moments before, became stuck in my lungs, burning as my chest grew incredibly tight. The moment her bra fell away, I pushed my mouth back to her, latching onto her nipple with my lips, sucking, licking, toying with it as she writhed beneath me. And then I switched to the other, starting all over again.

  She tugged on my shirt until I sat up, unbuttoned it, and pulled it from my arms, then I dropped it to the pile of discarded clothes on the floor. I grabbed the back of my undershirt and yanked it over my head, watching her eyes brighten.

  “You have no idea, Bree…” I growled as I made quick work of the button on her jeans.

  “I think I do, Axel.” She lifted her hips, allowing me to remove her pants easier. And then she hooked her thumbs into the waistband of her underwear. But I stopped her, grabbing ahold of her wrists.

  “Nah-uh. That’s my job. I didn’t wait all this time for you to take that from me.” I leaned down, catching the cotton material between my teeth, slowly dragging them down her legs before pulling them the rest of the way off.

  I trailed my nose up the inside of her leg, starting at her calf and ending on her inner thigh before taking over the path with my tongue. I slowly licked my way to where I wanted her most, taking in the heady scent of her arousal.