by Leddy Harper
A tear slipped past her lower lashes and ran swiftly down her cheek before being caught by my thumb. “You don’t get it, Axel. I’m not her. I do what I have to in order to keep going. I put one foot in front of the other. I live for my daughter, and do everything with calculated precision with her in mind. She needs you in her life. She needs her father. I won’t keep you two apart any longer, and if you want her to have your last name, then I will do what I have to do to have it changed. I think that’s an important first step for all of us. And I think it will help open your eyes to the fact that we’ve been stuck in this lie we created years ago, too weak to admit that we were wrong.”
“No, Aubrey,” I said sternly, with a harsh tone that let her know my true feelings. “The only one in denial here is you. You’re letting everyone convince you of everything we fought against when we were together. We knew back then what stood in our way, but we didn’t care, because the only two people that knew what she shared were us. And I refuse to let you forget that.”
She shook her head as the tears rolled out faster. “I don’t need you to keep saving me. Eventually, you’re either going to get tired of it…or I’ll no longer need it, and then what will we have left?”
“I’m not in love with you because you need me. I’m in love with you because I need you. Because you save me. Because you make me weak where it counts, and make me stronger when it’s important. You balance me out and make me whole. Without you, I’m nothing but a broken heart, a lost soul searching for its missing piece. I don’t want to live like that anymore, Bree. I want to live it with you. I want to lean on you in the moments you’re strong and I’m weak. And then I want to hold you when the tables turn.”
“But we’ve both changed so much,” she whispered, hanging on to her fight.
“And we’ll continue to change. We’ll continue to grow, become stronger, become happier. But what I need to know is…do you want to do that with me? Do you want to change, evolve, grow…with me? Together?”
Her eyelids lowered slowly as she closed them, and I hoped she wasn’t garnering the courage to let me down. But once her eyes opened again, shining a fierce yellow, they held me captive, and all the uneasiness vanished from my body. “What if this is a mistake? What if everything that’s happened over the years was nothing more than giant signs letting us know that this is wrong?”
I knew that even through her argumentative words, her pessimistic thoughts, her fight was waning. She sought clarity, and I’d give her that. “And what would those be, Bree? How your history teacher decided to not come back after having a baby, leaving the position open for me during a time you needed someone the most? How you gave me your virginity, and despite the fact that I’d worn a condom, you still managed to get pregnant? You were really sick, you were thrown down a flight of stairs, and yet you still held onto the baby—my baby—our baby. What about how we both moved hours away, and yet somehow, ended up in the same town, years later? Are you talking about how we both used the same land to find peace, coincidently at the same time of night, being within yards of each other before even realizing it was the other person? Me pulling you from the lake, saving you from drowning? Me getting a job as your daughter’s teacher—my daughter’s teacher? Which one of those is the universe using as a sign that we shouldn’t be together, Bree? Because the way I see it, every power is being used to pull us back together…not the other way around.”
“I doubt you’d feel this way if Ayla wasn’t yours.”
“Don’t do that. You’re grasping at straws now. I wanted you back in my life since I walked out of school that day. I’ve been fighting the world every damn day for over six years. When I pulled you from the lake, I had no idea you even had a kid, and I still wanted you in my life. After I found out about her, under the impression that she belonged to someone else, I wanted you. I wanted her. I wanted any part of you I could get. Are you forgetting that I came to you at the hospital? Are you forgetting the passionate night we shared? Or are you making shit up in your head to fit your theory that this won’t work because you’re scared? That I don’t really want you? Are you rewriting history to convince yourself that you don’t want me?”
“Why…” She bent her head down, cradling it in her hands as she sobbed, completely giving up. “Why now, Axel?”
“What do you mean? I’ve been trying to get through to you since you woke up on my couch. I’ve been chasing you for weeks. You’re the one that keeps running away. Why now? Because I can’t wait any longer. I don’t want to wait. I’ve been waiting for six goddamn years, and I don’t want to waste another moment without you in my life.”
She picked up her head, meeting my gaze with a blotchy face and bloodshot eyes. “No…I mean, why now. For me. If we do this now, it’s just going to be me leaning on you again. You saving me again. I want to be able to walk to you on my own two feet, standing strong on my own. Going to you without you questioning if I’m doing it because I want to, or because I don’t have another choice.”
“You’re going to have to be a little clearer here, Aubrey. I’m not following.”
She huffed in frustration and stared at the ceiling, searching for answers in the air. “With everything going on—my dad, you, Ayla—I’ve missed work over the last two weeks. They let me go last night, saying I’m not dependable enough for them. Which is such bullshit, because I’ve been dependable for four years! And now I don’t know what I’m going to do about an income. I have some money saved from the furniture I’ve sold, that I’d planned on using to start my own business, but now I can’t. Because now, I have to dip into that savings in order to live. And now, after I’ve been completely knocked down and kicked repeatedly, it looks like I’m coming back to you because I can’t do it on my own.”
I smiled, not giving a shit that she took it offensively. I couldn’t keep the high from taking over, filling me with hope. “Don’t you see? This is yet another sign…another way for the universe to pull us back together again. After all we’ve been through, you’ve allowed doubt to creep in and obliterate everything you’ve ever believed in when it comes to us. You’ve allowed that doubt to take over and make you think that what we had wasn’t real. That I never really loved you. That I loved a version of you that you can’t see. You’ve actually started to convince yourself that what we had was nothing more than a mirage. But you’ll never convince me of that. You’ll never make me believe that my love for you wasn’t real, or that yours wasn’t, either. Clearly, the universe is pissed at you for doubting us.”
And then she laughed, leaving me offended and confused. “You think the universe fired me, is taking away my income, my family, all so that you can come in on your white horse and save the day again? You think the universe, after all it’s thrown at me, all the shit it’s piled on top of me, wants me to be the damsel in distress? Do you hear yourself? You sound insane.”
“You’re absolutely right, Bree. God doesn’t want us together. He’s made us happy together, miserable apart, separated us when the world was against us, reunited us once we were both in places to freely be together…yet He doesn’t want us to be together. No… He wants to keep us apart.”
I watched as she shook her head, trying with all her might to disagree, but I knew I’d gotten to her. I knew she couldn’t deny it any longer. She knew the truth, she could see it. I’d laid it out for her clearly. My words were logical, hers were irrational. And no matter how hard she fought to remain blind, I was winning. I would win her over. I would never give up.
“Stop…fighting…it.” I moved to the floor at her feet, wedging myself between her legs and holding her face to keep her from looking away. “I came into your life six years ago when you needed me. You came back into mine when I needed you. And now…stop looking at this moment as you once again needing me, because I need you just as much. We may never be rich with money, but I can promise you, we will always be rich in love. I will work my ass off to give you and Ayla everything you need. Everything you coul
d possibly want. I’ll work two jobs, teaching and lawn care, if that means you get the chance to start up and fulfill your dream.”
“You can’t sacrifice that for me, Axel. That’s all you’ve ever done. You sacrificed your job for me once before, and look how that turned out. We will never survive if I continue to drag you down.”
“Love is sacrifice, Bree. And I don’t see it like that. You’ve sacrificed a lot for me already. You gave up school to give me a daughter. You lied to your parents to protect me. So think of this as me repaying you, me giving you back something you deserve. You’re giving me another chance at the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and giving me a little girl that’s the best parts of both of us…let me do this for you. I live by myself. The house is big enough.”
“That sounds great and all, but it’s really fast. You just walked back in my life a few weeks ago, just found out about Ayla five days ago, and it’s only been about thirty seconds since I’ve even conceded at the thought of us being together again. Don’t start packing my bags yet, Batman.”
I raised an eyebrow, watching the corners of her lips lift. “Batman?”
“Well, you’re not Superman. Batman is a real person—he isn’t from some magical planet with superpowers. So you’re Batman. At least that’s what I told Ayla. She overheard me talking to Sarah when I told her about your hero complex. She was three and thought that meant you were a superhero.”
An unfamiliar feeling filled my chest, blazing hot and threatening to bring tears to my eyes. Not just from what Bree said, but also over the simple fact that no matter what had transpired between us, she continued to speak highly of me to our daughter. “I could be Iron Man. He’s a real person without superpowers. And he’s technically a genius. Plus, he drives nice cars. I’d like to drive nice cars,” I said with a mischievous smile, attempting to show her how good we’ve always been together. How easy things could be if we’d just allow it, just let go and fall. As long as we were together, we could fall anytime and be okay.
Bree nearly choked on her laugh, her eyes lighting up as she finally gave in. “Whatever, Axel. Be whatever hero you want. But I’m serious. I can’t just move in with you. We still haven’t told Ayla the truth, and we have so much to work through. I understand that we’ve waited so long to be together, but we just need to wait a little bit longer. Please. All good things come to those who wait.”
“Ayla might fall for that, but I’ve been waiting six freaking years.”
“Let’s get through telling Ayla. Let’s see how she handles it, how she takes it. This isn’t all about us, you know. We have to think of her and how she feels about it all. There’s no immediate rush to move out. And we still have to work out getting her name changed. About that…I know I said if that’s what you wanted, I would do it, but ultimately, it’s what she wants. We can ask her what name she wants. And whatever she chooses, you must be okay with it.”
I nodded, understanding what she meant. I had to put on the brakes and slow it down. “Okay, I agree. I will give us time to work out everything. We won’t make any immediate plans about living or jobs. But if you think I’m going to back off, if you think I’m still going to give you space to sort shit out, you’re sadly mistaken.”
“The only thing I needed to sort out was how to tell you about Ayla. That little girl has always had a way of changing things for me. I think things are going one way, I make plans and get prepared for one thing, and then she barrels through it all. It’s Ayla’s way or no way.”
I sat back on my haunches, feeling more complete than ever before. “Sounds familiar. You still have a way of hitting me upside the head like a wrecking ball. And no matter what plans you destroy, I always accept it with a smile.”
“Okay, Axel. You can say it now.”
“Say what?” I asked, already knowing what she meant.
“You know…that you love me.”
“Oh, I do? And how do you know that?”
She grinned and did a fluttering eye-roll, “Because I love you, too.”
“Yeah, I already know that. Ayla told me earlier. She also said you think I’m really really really handsome.” I leaned in closer, pulling her face to mine. “But that’s fine, because I think you’re really really really gorgeous. And I love you.”
Aubrey had to go into the bathroom and shut the water off. Apparently, Ayla liked to take long showers, which I could only assume she spent most of the time playing and not washing. My niece always did the same in her baths. But Ayla finally got out and dressed for bed, coming into the living room to join us.
My heart pounded in my chest and my palms grew clammy, knowing that at any minute, Ayla would stop looking at me as her teacher and start seeing me as her father. I had no idea what her reaction would be, and the anticipation nearly crippled me. Excitement fluttered inside, while at the same time, fear gripped my throat, causing my breathing to turn shallow and ragged.
“Ayla, sweetheart, did you have fun tonight at the dance?” Bree asked while Ayla nodded with excitement. “Did you like having Mr. Taylor there as your daddy?” Once again, she nodded eagerly with a bright smile on her face, eyeing me as she regarded her mother. “Do you remember everything I’ve told you about your daddy?”
“Yeah. You said that even though he doesn’t know me, he still loves me like I love him. You said if he knew me, he would want me in hims life.”
“His life, Ayla. His,” Bree corrected with a straight face, even though I couldn’t quiet my chuckle. “Don’t encourage her. Otherwise, she’ll grow up speaking like you.”
I turned to my daughter and nodded, leaning forward on the couch cushion to get closer to where she sat on the coffee table. “Yes, Ayla. He wants you in hims life. Very much so.”
Bree slapped my bicep with the back of her hand and rolled her eyes at me. “Anyway…how would you feel if your daddy was here? Would you want to meet him? Do you want to know who he is?”
“Will he sing me his songs?” Ayla asked with wide eyes and a giant grin.
I turned to Bree, questioning her with a stare and a raised brow. But she didn’t look my way, only kept her eyes on the little girl in front of her while failing at hiding her own grin.
“Sweetheart, we’ve talked about this. Your daddy was only named after that man on the CD. Those aren’t his songs. He can’t sing to save his life. Completely tone deaf.” Humor filled her words as her lips curled up.
I felt bad for Ayla. She probably had no idea what we were talking about, the joke going right over her head. But the corners of her mouth lifted and she nodded as if everything made perfect sense to her.
“Is he here? Can I meet him? Can I hug him?”
Bree glanced at me out of the corner of her eyes. I could tell she needed help, but I had no idea what to do. This news couldn’t come from me. It had to come from her mother. Bree was the only one that could do this.
“Mommy! Where is he?” Ayla bounced on the table, her excitement escalating. “I want to see him! Does he know about me?”
“Yes, sweetheart, he knows about you. And he’s just as excited about you as you are about him. I just want to make sure you’re ready. Because if you’re scared, or you need time, now is when you should tell me. Okay?”
Ayla nodded, clapping her hands in front of her.
I swallowed, locking eyes with Aubrey—hers were wide with fear. Nerves attacked my stomach, causing me to become nauseated. I’d never felt such anxiety in my life. But it was what I wanted. I just needed to get through it.
“I can’t do it,” Bree whispered to me, her inhalations short and panicked.
I moved to sit next to her on the couch, directly in front of Ayla. I placed my hand over Bree’s and smiled through my own fear, hoping to offer some support and courage. “I love you,” I whispered back, barely heard at all. It came out as more of a breath across her face than actual words. But I knew she heard me. She felt me.
She turned back to Ayla, who sat patiently waiting with eager
eyes. “How would you feel if Mr. Taylor was your daddy?” The apprehension was evident in her tone.
Ayla’s gaze moved to mine as she tilted her head to the side in thought. “I like him. He’s nice to me. And he’s handsome like my daddy. But he’s my teacher, silly. He can’t be my daddy.”
“But he is, sweetheart. Mr. Taylor is your father. Mommy knew him a long time ago, and fell in love with him. Like the way the princess falls in love with the prince.”
Her eyes grew even larger in awe and excitement. “You kissed my mommy and woke her up?”
“I did,” I said with a confidence I didn’t even know I had. “She was sleeping. The evil queen had her under a spell. And then I came in”—I glanced over at Bree—“on my white horse all decked out in shiny armor”—I winked and turned my attention back to Ayla—“and I kissed her, waking her up. But what the fairy tales don’t tell you is, the princess also wakes up the prince. Because before your mommy came around, before I ever met her, I was sleepwalking. And then she came and saved me. And we made you. And you’ve saved us both. So you’re a superhero princess, too.”
“How did you make me?” she asked with an inquisitive and curious tone.
My mind went blank, and all I could do was stare at her while sucking on my teeth and blinking. No words came to mind, no thoughts or creative explanations unfolded. Nothing.