by Trish D.
“Excuse me, I’ll have a waffle cone with five scoops of ice cream, chocolate syrup, and you on top.”
“How long did it take for you to come up with that awful line?” It was so corny that all I could do was laugh. I didn’t want to laugh though. I was still mad at him.
“You’ve been so mad at me, I had to think of something that would make you laugh.”
“Yeah I’m mad. You’re giving me this fake story about why you’re not running this year and I know it’s not the truth.”
“I wanted to tell you sooner, but I knew you would get all mad at me. It’s just not what I want to do this year and I really hope that you can understand that.”
That’s it? I wondered as I listened to him. He hoped I understood. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. I just stood there. I had a few choices. I could continue to ignore him till he told me; I could tell him to kick rocks; or I could try to be understanding and move on. I chose the last option. I wasn’t totally OK with him not being completely honest, but it was so exhausting staying mad at him and I knew I didn’t have it in me to break up with him. Slowly we got back into our normal routine and as odd as it felt not having him at practice, I still managed to have a good track season. Derrick was at every track meet religiously and even hung around some of the practices. We made it again to the state championship meet and even though we didn’t win, I swear I could hear Derrick cheering for us over everyone else out there.
Summer came and I went back to working almost every day. Shanna had only been home for a week before deciding to attend summer school. We all knew she was only attending to be around Craig, but she would never admit it. On a rare weekend off from work, Daddy allowed me to take the train to visit Shanna at school. She had a dorm room to herself for the summer and invited me to experience campus life for a few days. On the train ride that seemed to last forever, I came up with several scenarios of what it would be like. I wondered if Shanna would take me to a party or somehow get me into a club. She hadn’t really told me what we would do. I was just hoping to have some fun. Mainly, I wanted to get off the train so I did what made sense to pass the time. I went to sleep.
Shanna and Craig picked me up from the train station. Before heading back to the dorm, we ate Dockside, a restaurant close to the beach. While enjoying the delicious seafood, I couldn’t help but notice how mushy Shanna and Craig were. It made me feel like the third wheel. I hoped it was not indicative of what the weekend would be like. Watching them made me miss Derrick. I felt lame even thinking that way, I mean it had only been a day since I had last saw him. I wanted him to come with me and had even gotten Daddy to agree to him going as long as we were always under Shanna’s supervision. I was excited to tell Derrick about the trip, but unfortunately, it was an excitement that was short lived. Derrick claimed that he would have loved to go, but couldn’t due his grandmother coming into town. I didn’t want to discount his story, but something about it seemed odd. Something had seemed off with him for a while. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure it out what was going on with him.
Campus was empty which made it seem a lot larger from when I had visited previously. Everyone was housed in the same dorm for the summer and Shanna was one of the few that had her own room. She had set it up as cute as possible but I had to agree with her when she said it had the feel of a jail cell. Craig had an apartment off campus with one of his teammates, where I was sure Shanna spent most of her time. From the room, we called Daddy and Mommy who made Shanna promise not to take me to any wild parties. Shanna agreed and we both giggled as she showed me that she had her fingers crossed.
“Well I promised that I wouldn’t take you to a wild party and I won’t. It’s a good thing that the party we are going to will be low key.”
“Are you serious? I don’t even have anything to wear.”
“Just wear something of mine. It’s just a small gathering at Craig’s. Besides, you’re attached to the hip with Derrick, who are you trying to impress?”
“No one” I responded as I rolled my eyes. “It’s my first grown up party though. I don’t want to show up looking like a kid.”
“Not to worry, leave it to your big sis. I will have you all dolled up.”
To think back on just a few years ago, it seemed surreal that not only was I hanging out with Shanna, but she was also taking me to a party. She kept her word and dressed me in a cute, but casual outfit and did my makeup. I barely recognized myself when I looked in the mirror. I looked so grown up. I felt grown up. It was almost a perfect night except for one thing. I had tried three times since we had gotten to Shanna’s room to call Derrick and couldn’t get through to him. I knew he was expecting his grandmother to come into town, but I felt like he knew I was going to call and could spare a few minutes to talk. I kept hoping that he would call back, but it got closer to the time for us to leave and I realized that I wasn’t going to hear from him. I was determined not to let it ruin my night though. It was time for some fun with my sister. I stuck close to Shanna for the whole party. It wasn’t until we got inside the party that I had flashbacks to the night that Jackie died. It wasn’t anywhere near as wild as the party had been that fateful night, but it still brought back bad memories. Not wanting to sound childish, I sucked it up and pretended to be OK and after a while I was OK. I still stuck close to Shanna, who didn’t seem to mind and in the end, I enjoyed my first college party.
We spent that whole Saturday at the beach. It had been forever since I had been to the beach. As much as I wanted to enjoy it, it still bothered me that I had not heard from Derrick. I had not tried to call anymore expecting him to eventually call. I wasn’t sure if I should be angry or sad, but it was definitely putting a damper on my mood. When we got back to the dorm, there was finally a message from Derrick on Shanna’s answering service. He was barely talking above a whisper and sounded so tired that I had to play the message three times to hear what he was saying. Even after turning the volume all the way up and replaying the message, it was difficult to hear what Derrick was saying. The one word I clearly made out was “hospital.” My heart sank. What was he doing in the hospital? It was clear that I wasn’t going to get the answers from that voice message, so I decided to call Derrick again in hopes of either him or his parents giving me answers. As terrible as it was, I hoped it was his grandmother or someone else that was in the hospital and not him. As the phone rang, I kept repeating, “Please God, don’t let it be him.” The phone rang forever before Derrick’s mom finally answered.
“Hi Mrs. Sims. This is Cheryl.” My voice was shaky and my stomach was in knots, but I managed to form the words to talk to her.
“Hi Cheryl. How are you?” She sounded like her normal self, which was a relief to me. That had to mean everything was OK. Maybe I heard wrong.
“I’m doing OK. I was calling Derrick back. Is he OK?”
“Well, he is asleep right now. I can have you call him back,” She offered.
“Could you wake him?” I realized I sounded demanding but I needed to talk to him and hear from his own mouth that he was OK.
There was silence on her end as she processed my request. “Well I know you are checking on him, but after what he has been through, I’d prefer to let him rest. I’m sure you understand.”
I heard what she was saying but it didn’t make sense. What had he been through? What was going on? By now my heart was racing and I could barely form words in my mind, let alone form them verbally. “I—I—I’m not s-s-sure what you mean. He said his grandmother was coming into town and then I don’t hear from him and now this.” I started to get frantic and had to stop talking. Breathe Cheryl. Just Breathe.
Mrs. Sims was silent. I could tell that she was also trying to figure out how I didn’t know what was going on. We were both confused. After several seconds of silence, she responded, “It is true that my mother came into town. I am just a little surprised that Derrick didn’t tell you why.”
“Can you tell me?” I desperate
ly asked.
After a deep sigh, Mrs. Sims told me news that was the same as having someone punch me in the stomach. “I really hate to be the one to tell you this and I really think Derrick should be the one to do so. Yesterday was his first round of chemotherapy. Derrick has a brain tumor.”
I was devastated. It had to be a mistake because there was no way Derrick had cancer. Cancer in his brain at that. How could someone his age who stayed in great physical shape have cancer? It didn’t make sense that this would happen to him. He was a good person. He didn’t deserve this. My train didn’t leave to go back to Charlotte until Sunday morning but I was so distraught that Craig and Shanna drove me back that evening. I cried the whole way back home trying to figure out what I would say to Derrick and how I could stay strong for him. I had so many questions, that I didn’t know how to bring up to him without adding more stress. I knew cancer didn’t always mean death was certain, but I also knew that in more cases it did. I couldn’t think about it though. There was no way Derrick would die anytime soon. Surely God was not that cruel.
∞∞∞
It was late when we finally got to Charlotte. Daddy and Mommy were waiting up for us. They both gave me hugs and told me how sorry they were to hear about Derrick. Their words did little to console me. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. That was definitely easier said than done, as sleep was the last thing I did that night. I tossed and turned and no matter what I did I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. I had to stop myself from calling Derrick, knowing I couldn’t call his home so late. I just wanted to know that he was OK. Thoughts of Grandpa’s battle with cancer flooded my mind, including memories of how lousy he felt after having chemotherapy. I felt helpless. I prayed that evening for Derrick. I prayed harder for him than I had ever prayed for anyone. I asked God to take the cancer away so that he wouldn’t have to have chemotherapy anymore and go back to being a normal healthy teen. When the overwhelming feeling of sadness came I didn’t fight the tears. In fact, I hoped that they would all come out so that when I went to see Derrick there would be no more to cry in front of him.
The next morning I was exhausted and was barely able to stay awake during the longest church service ever. To make matters worse, Daddy insisted I eat lunch with the family after church before going to see Derrick. In a way I felt annoyed that he was stalling, but it also dawned on me that it was also difficult for him to deal with. I had never really asked him to take me, but with Shanna and Craig having to get back to Wilmington, I just assumed he would be willing to take me. He was my rock and I needed him to be there with me. Understanding the tough spot I put him in, I gained some patience and let him take his time. We stopped at the CVS that was on the way to Derrick’s house and Mommy helped me pick out a cheesy “get well” card and bear. I was surprised that Mommy even came and while I wasn’t sure if she came for my benefit or Daddy’s, I was just glad she came to support.
We got to Derricks house and as much as I thought I had prepared myself for this visit, it hit me when we got there that I probably never could fully prepare myself. Derrick’s mother who began to tear up when I hugged her greeted us. Derrick’s father, who was military, showed no emotion as he greeted us formally with handshakes. In the living room there were several people there for Derrick, who I assumed were all family. I only recognized his grandmother and a few of his cousins that I had previously met. The mood in the house was very solemn. The boys were playing video games and everyone else chatting quietly among themselves or doing other various things. Derrick was in his room in bed watching The Goonies, which was his favorite movie. I stopped in the door when I saw him. I knew he wasn’t feeling well after the chemo, but I wasn’t expecting him to look so sick. I managed to smile anyway.
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
“How do I look?” Derrick responded dryly. I couldn’t remember a time that he had ever been short with me. Due to the current circumstances, I knew it was best to let it slide. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to snap at you, I’m just really tired.”
“It’s OK” I lied. I wasn’t really sure what to say to comfort him and not set him off. We sat there for several minutes in silence. Feeling awkward, I felt like I had to say something. “It’s a lot of people out there, what are you doing back here by yourself?”
“I needed some alone time. They’ve all been here all weekend feeling sorry for me and I’ve had enough of it. That’s why I didn’t tell you! I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. It’s just a little tumor, I’ll get better soon.”
I didn’t like how he was talking to me. He was so angry and distant that I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I didn’t have the right things to say even though I wanted to say a lot. To keep from further setting him off, I opted to just stop talking. We watched the movie together only making an occasional comment. It was the most uncomfortable I had ever felt around him, yet I hated to leave him. I was able to hold it together until we got back in the car to go home. I cried the whole way home and for the rest of the day when we got home. I stayed in my room until Daddy insisted I come to dinner. For the first time I could remember we had dinner in silence. I certainly didn’t have anything to say since I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. My parents knew there really wasn’t much that could be said to make things better and didn’t even try. I went to bed right after dinner despite Daddy’s attempts to get me to watch a movie with him. I was exhausted though and knew there would be no problem falling asleep. I hoped that when I woke up it would all be bad dream.
For the next two weeks Derrick refused to take my phone calls. I felt bad that his mom had to keep coming up with excuses for him and decided to stop calling. I was past feeling sad and began to feel numb to it all. To keep my mind off things, I did anything to stay busy. When I wasn’t working, I spent time with Kristin, who I had become close friends with. I didn’t tell her the specifics about Derrick, since I knew he didn’t want a lot of people knowing that he was sick. When she asked why I wasn’t spending much time with him, I stuck to the story of him being occupied with his sick grandmother. I was pretty sure she didn’t believe a word I was saying, but being a good friend, she didn’t press the issue. Shanna called to check on me daily and though I appreciated her concern, I was relieved when she finally stopped asking if I heard from him. I had come to terms that he would come around at his own pace and that I had to be patient. It was hard though. I missed my best friend.
A few days before we were to leave for Detroit I was working a long Saturday shift. I wanted nothing more than to just go home and go to bed. In addition to being tired, my lower back hurt. I was more than annoyed when Shanna was not there to pick me up at the end of my shift. She had been home all week and would typically come inside to wait while I counted down the register. As I walked outside the mall, I noticed someone sitting on the bench outside the mall with a hat pulled down low. He had his head down and it was dark, but I could recognize that profile from anywhere. Derrick! I had to calm myself and refrain from sprinting to the bench and jumping in his arms. He greeted me with a big smile and hug. It was like nothing had been going on for the past few weeks. It was the classic “Derrick grin” I was so used to seeing and missed.
“Hey you!” He was in a surprisingly cheerful mood.
“What are you doing here?”
“Oh, I don’t know, taking a walk, enjoying the hot humid weather” He responded sarcastically. We both laughed. “I stopped by your house and Shanna said you just may need a ride home.”
“I think she’s right. Is your mom here?”
“Nah, its Saturday. She took my grandma to play bingo.”
I was confused. It would take hours to walk home and surely he didn’t expect us to ride the bus home when Shanna could come get us. “OK…well how are we going to get home then?”
“You’re in luck! I know a guy that may have just gotten a driver’s license this week and even better, just may have gotten a new car.”
“WHAT” I
yelled without realizing how loud I was. I wanted to ask how that was possible given his current medical situation, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. He seemed happy, which made me happy.
“Follow me” Derrick beamed as he took my hand. He led me to a bright orange mustang that stopped me dead in my tracks. I was speechless. “It surprised the hell out of me too when my dad surprised me with it. I thought I was lucky that they allowed me to take my driving test. I never imagined I was getting a brand new car.”
“Well what are we waiting for? You do know how to safely drive this thing right?” I teased as Derrick opened my door for me. In the passenger seat were a dozen roses and a bear that was holding a heart with the caption “missing you.”
Derrick and I took a long ride to downtown Charlotte. We talked and laughed just like old times. It was nice. It was more than nice it was amazing that for the moment, we didn’t think about Derrick being sick and enjoyed our time together. We went to eat at Mert’s Heart and Soul Restaurant, which was our favorite soul food place to eat. When we were seated, Derrick removed his hat revealing his cleanly shaved head. I didn’t want to stare and was too nervous to bring it up. He decided to address it first.
“The nurses kept telling me that I was going to lose it, so I decided I would beat the chemo to the punch.” He said with a smile. It was a forced smile so I knew it bothered him to have to do that.
“It looks nice. I mean you look good.” It was all I could think of to say. I didn’t want to make him feel worse about it so I went with the expected comment.