by Trish D.
Once I calmed down I realized that my response to Jason’s proposal was harsh. I felt bad because I knew I had hurt him, but I also couldn’t let go of how he had treated me for Thanksgiving. He didn’t even care to check on his son and pregnant girlfriend. I convinced myself that what he did was worse. After two weeks of the silent treatment, I had to get out of that home. Jason hadn’t spoken one word to me since he proposed and wouldn’t even respond when I tried to talk to him about Brandon. He walked around like a sad puppy and the longer it went on, the more annoyed I was with him. What exactly did he expect from me? To jump up and down with excitement when he proposed and say “yes?” He had to know that it wasn’t the right time for us. I didn’t have the desire or energy to baby him. I definitely wasn’t going to apologize; at least not until he apologized to me first. We were both hurt; both stubborn; and it was just too much to deal with. For the sake of Brandon, I told myself I would bear through the miserable days until after the holidays. I put my sole focus on him, which gave me the strength to make it through each day. Each night like clockwork, I counted down the days until I could break free.
∞∞∞
When Christmas came, I felt the most excited than I had in my whole adult life. Jason and I were still not talking and I wasn’t even sure what he had planned for the holidays, but I was excited to be going to visit my family. Shanna was coming also and I was happy to see her, Ingrid, and my parents, but mostly, I was elated to be getting out of Tennessee. I had two weeks off from work, which gave me time to really sit and think about what my next move was going to be. My parents suggested that I move back in with them, at least until after I had the baby. Mommy would be there to help with the kids and it would give me the opportunity to save up money. It made sense and was what I was leaning towards versus being miserable in Tennessee, but I also had to consider Jason. I felt like I had to even though it was hard to determine if it mattered to him if we were there or not. He had completely checked out of his role of being a family man. His self-pity had driven him to not only shut me out, but to ignore Brandon as well. It was to the point that Brandon followed me around everywhere like Jason was no longer there. Even as a baby less than a year old, he obviously picked up on some of what was going on and it made me both nervous and sad that I was subjecting him to such a tense environment. We all needed a fresh start.
Two days before Christmas I loaded up my car in the wee hours of the morning hoping that Brandon would sleep most if not all of the long trip home. As I tiptoed around gathering last minute things, a part of me hoped Jason would wake up and ask to come. Even if he didn’t really want to go, I just wanted to know that he wanted to make up for Thanksgiving and cared about his family. He was in a totally dark place though. Being a family or with his family was the furthest thing from his mind. I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get him. Just as we were about to walk out the door, I shook him gently.
“We are heading out. Do you at least want to say goodbye to Brandon?”
“Bye.”
That was it. I was willing to let go of the fact that he didn’t offer to help his pregnant girlfriend load up the car, but now he was taking it too far. He didn’t ask to hug him or walk him out to the car. He barely opened his eyes when talking to us. At that point his behavior was completely comical. I had to force myself to chuckle at his actions to keep from completely losing it on him. It was like I was dealing with another child that was having yet another temper tantrum. The best thing I could do was walk away and refuse to let him get me upset. Despite everything that was going on at home with Jason, I was determined to make it a good visit and holiday. As I backed out of the driveway and left the neighborhood all I could think about was how I never wanted to come back.
The ride home went better than I expected since Brandon slept most of the way. Once he as awake, we stopped three times to stretch our legs. I thought the drive with a toddler would be the most stressful part of the trip, but as we got closer to my parents’ house, I started to feel both nervous and anxious. I was showing up pregnant with a baby on my hip and my boyfriend was at home. They had refrained from asking questions previously when I told them that Jason wouldn’t be coming with us, but I knew there were questions. How could there not be? If the roles were reversed, I knew I would want to know what was going on. I worried that I seemed like a failure to them. I worried that I would be bombarded with questions that I didn’t want to answer. I also worried that they would try to pressure me to stay in Charlotte with them and leave Jason for good. Maybe it was the right choice to make, but I still wanted it to be a decision I made without pressure from anyone else.
Brandon and I were greeted with open arms immediately when Mommy opened the door. Everything was pleasant as we settled in the living room engaging in casual conversation. I wanted to let my guard down and relax, but I couldn’t. Each time they rubbed my belly I expected them to start asking how I was going to handle two kids under the age of 2. When they asked how work was going, I was nervous that they were going to ask how I planned to take care of both kids on my salary. As parents, I knew they were concerned about those things as any parent would, but I just didn’t know the answers and I didn’t want to tell them that. It was Christmas, and I didn’t want to be upset for Christmas. It wasn’t until Shanna and her family arrived that I finally felt like I could relax. With their other grandbaby in the house, my parents were in heaven and completely engrossed with smothering them with kisses. I felt like I was in the clear for the most part with them, but I knew I had to worry about Shanna. There was no way she was going to let too much time go by before grilling me about my future plans.
Christmas Eve was non-stop. It was the only day that I was able to shop for Brandon since I didn’t want to have to travel with gifts from Tennessee only to take them back. Later that evening, Aunt Michelle and her new husband Michael, Samantha, and Sanaa all came over for dinner Christmas Eve. Shanna and I had a good time spending time with our cousins, who were more than happy to help us wrap gifts for the kids. We spent Christmas day all together also, but at Aunt Michelle’s house this time. We were up early to eat breakfast and to let the kids open their Christmas gifts. I had been excited for Brandon’s first Christmas for some time and though he was more fascinated with the wrapping paper than actual gifts, it was fun to watch him. It bothered me though that it was such a special moment that Jason had missed. I sent him several pictures to his phone, not really expecting him to respond to me. Even though I didn’t expect him to respond, it still bothered me that he didn’t. Before I went to bed that night, I tried calling, but he wouldn’t answer, not even when I blocked my number and called with a private number. I wasn’t even sure why I was trying anymore, but I felt like I had to.
It was a few days after Christmas before things began to calm down and I could no longer avoid the dreaded questions. Daddy went back to work and Mommy was at a church meeting. That left Shanna and I at home alone with the kids. I had a feeling that the questions were coming and tried to prepare myself to stay calm and take them in stride. There really wasn’t a way to prepare though.
“So Jason spent the holiday at home alone?”
“My guess is that he went to his parents’ house. I don’t really know though, haven’t talked to him.”
“I take it things aren’t getting any better at home then?”
“Nope, not at all. They’re actually the worst they’ve ever been since his proposal.”
“Wait! What proposal?”
“I told you Shanna, he wanted to go to the courthouse the day after Thanksgiving.”
“Umm, no you didn’t tell me that Cheryl because I would have fussed you out for turning him down.”
“Come on Shanna. Why would I go through the act of marrying someone who can’t even stand to be in the same room with me? Did you forget how he treated me Thanksgiving? We aren’t ready!”
“Ok Cheryl. There are millions of girls out here that would die for a proposal. That could have been th
e step you guys needed to turn things around.”
I really couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but it wasn’t really shocking coming from Shanna. I knew she wanted desperately for Craig to propose, but I still wanted for her to be on my side and tell me that I had made the right choice.
“So what’s the plan once you go back to Tennessee?”
“Who says I’m going back? Maybe I’ll just stay here.”
“That’s a huge decision Cheryl. Do you think you should talk to Jason before moving his kids out of the state?”
“Maybe. I doubt he even cares.”
“I hope you’re wrong and that he does care. But either way, try and talk to him first so that you can walk away knowing you tried as hard as possible if it comes to that.”
That was the only thing she said that made any sense to me. As tempting as it was to never go back to Tennessee, I knew I had to try and talk to Jason about it first. It was definitely a conversation I was not looking forward too. However, I still had a week left in Charlotte where I could enjoy my time away from the tension and stress. That was exactly what I planned to do. I wanted the week to go by slowly, but of course that was not the case. We brought the New Year in at home. I wanted to be happy along with the rest of my family, but I couldn’t help but look around at my parents, Aunt Michelle and Michael, Shanna and Craig, and wish that I had my whole family there too. I swallowed my pride and asked Jason to come down for the New Year and received a text back that said “working.” I tried to brush it off, but it really bothered me. Aside from being the only one there without a mate, The New Year meant I had to go back and face reality. It was back to Tennessee, back to Jason, back to unhappiness. I hoped that two weeks in Charlotte would give me a refreshed mind and heart, but in the end, I doubted there was any amount of time away that could have helped us.
∞∞∞
The ride back to Tennessee took much longer than it should have. I intended to get up early as I had done when we left for Charlotte and be on the road while Brandon was still asleep. When the alarm went off, I hit snooze three times and then fell back asleep for another hour. I just could not get out of bed. Part of it was that I was tired from not sleeping well, but mostly, it was me dreading going back and having to deal with life. I laid there with my eyes closed, wishing and praying that when I opened my eyes everything that was wrong in my life would be fixed. For once, I just wanted there to be peace. When we finally got on the road, Brandon was wide-awake meaning we had to stop frequently when he was tired of being in his car seat. Normally, having to stop so much would have frustrated me, but it didn’t bother me. Each time I let Brandon run around a lot longer than I should have, but I felt like I just needed to soak in the little piece of sanity I had left. At our last stop, Daddy had called for the fourth time to see if I had made it back yet and I knew I had to stop procrastinating and get back home.
It was almost 9pm when we finally turned onto our street. We had literally been on the road all day and were both exhausted. When we pulled up to the door there was a PODS storage unit parked out front blocking the driveway. The minute I saw it I knew something was up and that it wasn’t going to be good. I was so tired though, I hoped whatever it was could be dealt with in the morning. I just wanted to sleep. I got to the door carrying a sleeping Brandon on top of my huge belly and my key would not work. At first I thought I was using the wrong key since I was tired. After I tried all the keys on the ring to no avail, it all clicked. Jason had changed the locks. I could only figure that that all my stuff was probably loaded in the PODS unit. There was nothing I could do. It was his place, my name was not on the deed and we weren’t married. There was no point in calling or knocking on the door. Chances were that he wouldn’t answer and if he did, it would just be a huge shouting match that went nowhere. As hard as it was to leave peacefully, I loaded Brandon back into the car and left.
We ended up in a hotel not too far from the house. After I got Brandon settled down, I sat on the end of the bed and it all hit me. I was pregnant and homeless with a kid. I couldn’t believe I slacked off in Charlotte and didn’t come up with both a plan A and plan B for when I got back. A piece of me was foolishly holding on to a fairy tale dream that everything was going to work out. Stupid, stupid me. The sound of my phone ringing broke me out of thoughts just as I was on the verge of tears. Once again it was Daddy checking on me. My first thought was to ignore the call, but I knew he would be worried about us, so I answered.
“Hey Daddy.” I tried to put on my best brave voice.
“Hey, I was calling to check on you two. You back home now?”
“Yeah, I meant to call, but I wanted to get Brandon in bed since it was already late.”
“That’s what I figured. Was Jason there to help you get everything in the house?”
It was the first time in months that Daddy had asked anything about Jason. Why he picked that night to ask about him was so bizarre to me that it took me a minute to respond. “I was able to get it all in, I didn’t need help.” I was trying so hard to keep it together, but my voice cracked in the end and I knew he would catch it.
“Cheryl, is everything ok?”
“No Daddy, it’s not.”
I cried as I tried to tell Daddy that Jason had packed my things and changed the locks. I wasn’t sure how he could understand anything that I said. He was quiet for some time which made me think that he didn’t understand or needed a minute to take it all in. Whichever was the case, his response was exactly what I needed to hear.
“Hang tight, I’m on the way.”
At some point I was able to fall asleep into a deep peaceful slumber. When I awoke to Brandon tapping me on the face, I felt like I had been asleep for weeks. I felt so good that it took me looking around the room and realizing that I was in a hotel and remembering why I was there to bring me back to reality. Daddy dropping everything and driving down in the middle of the night meant everything to me. I wasn’t sure what time he had gotten on the road, but I figured he would be arriving pretty soon and it gave me a lot of anxiety. As much as his arrival made me nervous, sitting there waiting was a lot worse. I felt helpless and like I should’ve been able to prevent it or fix it myself. Never in a million years though did I think that Jason would stoop so low as to put us out though. The more I sat there and thought about my stuff sitting outside the house and my key not working, the more upset I got. I wanted to call him so badly and call him every name in the book. I didn’t because I knew he wouldn’t answer and the sensible side of me knew that I didn’t need to give him that satisfaction. It was time to move on and not look back.
Daddy arrived around 9am, just after Brandon and I had gotten back to the room from the breakfast buffet. Michael was with him and they both looked totally exhausted. My feelings of relief were quickly followed by feelings of guilt. I apologized profusely to them for making them drive such a long distance overnight. If it had been a burden to them, they didn’t say. Instead, Daddy hugged me tightly.
“No more apologizing. This is what I’m here for. Now, let’s find you a place to live.”
Right away we started calling around to different apartment communities to see who would let me move in immediately. After we made a list of places, we set out to look at them. By the time we got to the fourth place, I was tired of looking. It was difficult to keep up with what was different and what I liked and didn’t like. At that point I didn’t care which place I ended up in. I just wanted to be done looking. Daddy must have sensed how overwhelming the whole process was for me and suggested I go with the last place we looked at and I agreed. While the property manager prepared the paperwork, we set out to find furniture and household items. Mentally, the list in my head of everything I needed just kept growing and it sickened me how much it was going to cost on top of the fees I would owe to move in. Even with us picking just the basics and searching for bargains, I cringed every time Daddy had to put large totals on his credit card. He never complained, never cringed, never act
ed like it bothered him in the slightest. For years I questioned how much I meant to Daddy and wondered if I meant to him as much as Shanna did. That day I made a promise to myself that I would never question it again.
The last thing we had to do was to go back to Jason’s to get my stuff from the PODs storage unit. We all agreed that it was best for me not to go, but it was still hard to stay back since there was so much I wanted to say to him. I tried to keep busy entertaining Brandon in between trying to put up the things we had just brought, but my mind kept wandering. The longer they were gone, the more nervous I would get thinking that the lack of sleep and stress of the day had caused Daddy to spazz out on Jason. My other thought was that Jason was being a jerk about letting them have my stuff. There was plenty to do at the apartment, but I kept finding myself pacing back and forth while checking my phone for missed calls from Daddy. After what seemed like hours, I finally saw Daddy’s truck turning into the neighborhood with a truck bed loaded down with stuff. Finally, I could relax. It didn’t take long to get my stuff into the apartment and when we sat down to eat the pizza that had been delivered, I couldn’t resist any longer.
“How was he when you got there?”
“It was fine. He acted like this was a casual breakup and like this was the plan for you to move out. I didn’t ask any questions or anything, though I wanted to knock his teeth out for what he did.”
“Did he ask where we were or how we were doing?”
There are questions that you are dying to ask even though you don’t really want to know the answer and that definitely was one. In a way I hoped that he felt bad in some form or fashion for what he had done. Daddy’s response confirmed what I already knew deep down. Yet, it was still a hard pill to swallow.
“He asked how Brandon was and I just said that you both were fine and left it at that. But that’s enough about him. He’s going to realize very soon how huge of a mistake he made and when he comes crawling back, you can tell him to fuck off.”