His coldness enabled him to attend to the formalities of his removal, to discard some books, to pack up others to be shipped to America, to buy new shirts and socks, to have his hair cut, to water the garden for the last time. He felt so estranged that it did not occur to him to say goodbye to anyone: he felt invisible. Yet he performed quite competently in addressing the many small tasks that filled his days, days that were quite empty of human company once he had left the library. On his last evening he sat in the garden until it was dark, watching his roses glimmer and smelling their scent. His bags were in the hall, the taxi ordered for the following morning. A new sympathy told him that this was exactly how patients facing surgery must feel once the preparations were completed and the nurse had left them alone for the night. He even wondered if it were worth it to go to bed and try to sleep, since the silence of the garden suited his condition better than the confined space of his bedroom ever could. In the end he went indoors, gave himself a nightcap, mounted the stairs, and undressed. But sleep did not come, as it had not come for many nights now.
In the end it was a relief to leave. Even the airport was a relief, since everyone there was in the same situation. Every face was strained, anxious. He was now perfectly calm, resigned: the surgeon’s knife had been sharpened, the instruments were lying ready. All he had to do was mount the operating table. Now, if ever, was the moment to behave like a hero, to summon up ineffable resources. But he was tired of such fantasies, and when his flight was called he straightened up immediately, picked up his bag, anxious to get it over and done with. Turning round for his last look at England, he saw Emmy, plunging through the crowd, necklaces flying, laughing, swearing, apologizing, and waving her boarding pass in her upheld hand.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Widely known for her best-selling novels such as Hotel du Lac, Family and Friends, and Latecomers, Anita Brookner is also an international authority on eighteenth-century art and has written Watteau, The Genius of the Future, Greuze, and Jacques-Louis David. Her most recent novel is Brief Lives.
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