I exclaimed, ‘No one’s ever done that before – not the first time!’
I saw the pleasure in his face, then he said, ‘I reckon I learnt a trick or two in France. Come on, let’s get back afore your mam sends out a patrol.’
We walked up through the shrubs hand in hand, and I sensed his confidence now. He had made his choice in the centre of the maze, and he had chosen not to take me – but he knew full well that he had had the choice, and that knowledge squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. And I, I who had been submissive before him, moved closer to his side and clung to his hand. I need not agonize any longer about facing Nanny, because I knew I would not be going to Canada now.
We wandered in the garden, walking slowly and talking little. Ben asked me from time to time the name of a flower or shrub, but generally I had to confess my ignorance. We went out into the park a little way and down to the small lake and then I heard the stable clock chime and turned and led him back towards the Hall. And at the head of the terrace steps, right in front of the watching house, he pulled me to him and kissed me full on the lips. I knew he was demonstrating his possession of me – but I did not draw away.
The tea things were already set out in the drawing room, and my parents and Letty were all there. Mother curled her lip at the three small diamonds on my finger and opened hostilities at once. ‘I trust you don’t belong to one of those dreadful trade unions, Mr Holden.’
Ben reached for a sandwich. ‘Of course I do, Lady Pickering, and so should every working man.’ He looked her straight in the eye and added, ‘And I were on strike last year, and I’ll strike again if me mates are cheated out of a fair wage.’
They sat bristling at each other until Letty intervened with a question about Ainsclough. As they talked I pushed my plate with its uneaten sandwich away from me.
‘Eat that, lass.’
I jumped, then said quickly, ‘I’m not hungry, Ben.’
‘Eat it – I saw what you were up to at dinnertime. The way you are now a gust of wind ’ud bowl you clean over, so you do as you’re told.’
I picked up the sandwich and forced myself to chew it. When I had finished he took my plate, filled it, and handed it back to me again – then he turned back to Letty. Although he was not looking at me I ate everything on the plate – and the scone he tipped on to it next. Letty glanced over at me and I flushed at the amusement in her eyes. Mother was still staring at Ben as if he had two heads, but when he stood up to take his leave Papa spoke warmly. ‘I’m very pleased to have met you again, Holden – very pleased. We’ll see you on the day, then?’
Ben shook his hand vigorously. ‘Aye, my lord - I’ll be there.’
It was Letty who suggested, ‘Why don’t you drive Ben down in the dog cart, Hellie – he’ll see more of the park that way.’
I did not argue and I felt a little tingle of pleasure as I climbed into the driving seat and took the reins from Jenkins. I shortened them and felt Star’s mouth respond. As we trotted out of the stableyard Ben said, ‘She’s a thoughtful lass, your sister. I’ve got nothing against that choffer but I’m not used to flunkeys jumping about all round me.’ Letty – thoughtful? But we all knew how tactless she was! Then I remembered my own thoughtlessness of that morning and was ashamed.
We swung round the front of the house and Ben said, his voice slightly puzzled, ‘But I can’t get over how she looks so different from rest of you.’
I pulled on the bit to turn and replied, without thinking, ‘Oh, she takes after her father.’
‘Her father? But he’s dark, like you.’
I realized what I had said now, but Letty’s parentage was hardly a secret, so I explained, ‘Her real father – he’s very fair, too.’
Ben turned right round in his seat and stared at me. ‘But – she’s youngest,’ then louder: ‘Are you telling me her high and mighty Ladyship dropped one?’
I shrugged. ‘It’s not unusual, with the younger children of a family.’
‘Not unusual!’ He was brick-red now. ‘Not unusual! But what about your father – does he know what she’s been up to behind his back?’
I wanted to smile at his horror – how naive he was, with his lower-class morality. ‘Don’t be silly, Ben – of course he knows. But he has – companions – too. Whyever not?’
‘Whyever not! I’ll tell you whyever not, my girl. You’ve got a thing or two to learn if you want to stay out of trouble as my missus. Stop that horse a minute.’
‘But Ben –’
‘Stop her, I say!’
And I heard the anger in his voice and quickly laid my whip against Star’s shoulder. She pulled up and stood patiently waiting. Ben put his hand on my arm, and I turned my eyes to his as he shouted, ‘Look, my lass, I’m warning you now – if I ever catch you lifting your skirts to another man I’ll take my belt to you and give you the thrashing of your life.’ I cringed away from his furious face, but his fingers bit into my wrist above my glove. Then he added, flatly, ‘And I’ll kill him. Do you understand?’
I whispered, ‘Yes Ben – I understand.’
‘Good. You can start her up again, then.’
We drove on to the station in silence. As I drew up in the forecourt he put his hand over mine. ‘I’m sorry lass, I shouldn’t have shouted at you, but well, I were a bit put out. I been feeling right guilty towards your ma and then you tell me this – and you sounded so casual about it, too. But I shouldn’t have shouted. Only lass, I meant what I said. I’ll not lay a finger on another woman, but in return you mun play fair with me.’ I nodded; I could not speak. ‘Signals are off – give us a kiss then, and I’ll write how I’m getting on with the house.’
His lips were warm on my cold mouth, then he had sprung down and was striding over to the station. He turned back in the doorway and waved before he went in. I waited until the train had left then I jumped down, tied Star’s reins to the railings and went into the booking office.
‘Yes my lady – what can I do for you?’
‘I wish to send a telegram – to Canada.’ I looked down at the form and at last I wrote: ‘Will stand by original arrangements. Stop. But thank you. Stop.’ Then I picked up the pencil again and added: ‘Thank you’ and signed it.
The clerk behind the counter pointed out, ‘You’ve written “Thank you” twice, my lady.’
‘I know, I meant to.’ I put down the money and walked out.
When I got back to Hareford I took refuge in the library. I picked a book off the shelves and sat staring mindlessly at it until Letty came in. ‘Oh, Hellie – do put the lamp on, it’s far too dark to read in that corner.’ I blinked as she flicked the switch. She trundled the steps beside the shelves until she found the one she wanted and then climbed up them and sat on the top. As her glance travelled along the row she asked casually, ‘Did you have a nice drive to the station?’
‘Yes – no –’ Then I blurted out, ‘He spent the time telling me that if he ever found me with another man he would thrash me – and kill the man.’
Letty glanced in my direction. ‘I wonder how that subject came up? Oh, you don’t need to tell me – I can guess. Well, Mother deserves to be exposed, if you ask me.’
She was quite calm. I said desperately, ‘Letty, he said it as if he meant it!’
‘Oh, Helena, I’m quite sure he did mean it – every word.’ As I looked back at her she suddenly grinned. ‘You’ve never even bothered to read his citation, have you?’
I flushed. ‘He was decorated for bringing in wounded – Robbie told me.’
‘That was the first medal – wait.’ She backed down the steps and ran a practised eye over the shelves until she found the volumes she wanted. ‘I looked it up in the London Gazette as soon as we met him that time in Manchester. I was curious – June 1918, Holden, Holden – ah, here it is.’
She thrust the page in front of me and turned back to the shelves. I read:
‘Coy. Sjt.-Maj. Benjamin Holden, 2/5th Bn L&CLI.
‘For con
spicuous gallantry and initiative on 29/4/18 near Vierstraat. During a counter-attack, all his company officers having been killed or wounded, he showed the most consummate coolness and skill in collecting the survivors under intense shellfire. He then led them forward to capture a machine-gun emplacement which was causing great hindrance to the advance, and to clear an enemy trench held by a superior force. Heavy losses were inflicted on the enemy and it is estimated that he personally accounted for more than a dozen of the defenders.’
The bland, euphemistic ‘accounted for’ danced before my eyes, and I heard Ben’s voice again saying flatly: ‘And I’ll kill him.’ The words of the citation blurred and I dropped the book and ran from the library. Upstairs in my room I felt very sick.
Chapter Thirteen
But that evening after dinner I slipped out on to the terrace, and stood looking down over the rolling green parkland; and I remembered the huge barren camp at Étaples – the huts and tents crammed with wounded, dying men in the terrible days of the retreat. Each morning we had woken in fear and despair as the enemy came ever nearer. We had watched our last men trudge up to the front – the too-old, the too-young and the wounded returning yet again – and with them had gone Ben Holden. He had sworn to me he would keep the enemy back, and he had kept his promise. I had been grateful then and I was grateful still.
I drifted through the next days in a dream letting others make the decisions. Letty insisted on taking me to Manchester and I stood listlessly by while she selected tablecloths and napkins, sheets and pillowcases – and a glowing rose-pink eiderdown. She dispatched them to Ainsclough, along with a telegram demanding Ben’s measurements; as soon as these came she set the sewing- room maid to alter a pair of Guy’s grey-striped trousers and morning coat for Ben to wear at the wedding. Then a letter came from Ben to say that the linen had arrived – and that Ralph Dutton had agreed to be his best man – ‘I thought it would be easier for you, lass.’ In my memory I heard Robbie’s voice asking: ‘Shall I give him any hope, Hellie?’ And I began to cry.
Presents began arriving. I looked at them helplessly: silver, cut glass, crystal, bone china – all for a small terraced house in Royds Street, Ainsclough. Mother tightened her lips and said, ‘They’d better all be put in store, once this wedding’s over.’
But Letty said firmly, ‘I’ll select a sample, Helena, and send them on to you it’s only fair to Ben.’
I looked at the elaborate cut-glass decanter in her hand and imagined Ben solemnly pouring his bottles of bitter brown beer into it, before quaffing the foaming brew from the delicate-stemmed wineglasses on the table – and I felt hysteria rising. But I managed to fight it down before I went upstairs to write yet more letters of thanks.
The wedding dress arrived from London, and Norah brought it upstairs for me to try on; Letty came barging in to watch. My maid slipped the cream satin over my head and it slid smoothly down to fit closely over my breasts and hips, and then fell straight to the floor. Letty walked round me, surveying it from every angle, before she said, ‘With that fashionable dropped waistline you look rather like a very expensive cigarette – but it does suit you – Mother was really rather clever to choose this style. You are lucky to be so slim, Helena.’ But I would not be slim for much longer: my breasts were full and tender, and I walked slowly and languidly now – like a woman already heavy with child.
Alice arrived with her desiccated husband; his fussing irritated her and she snapped at him mercilessly. She came to my room later and said carelessly, ‘God, how that man bores me! He’s like an elongated stick insect – and about as much use when it comes to the bedroom. Yet he’s so jealous I swear he has me watched.’ She shrugged. ‘Mother can rail on about you as much as she likes but I’ve got to admit there’s something to be said for sampling the wares beforehand – though God knows I think you must be out of your mind to go through with it.’ I did not answer, so she began to talk of her two sons. Hugo was at Eton now, and she had been down the previous day for the Fourth of June. When she had gone I remembered with a sharp stab of pain the last time I had been to Eton – on that sunny Fourth the year before the war. Five of us had laughed and chatted and teased each other – and of that five I was the only one still alive. Seven years ago – another lifetime. And now I had betrayed Gerald. But I remembered his kindness that day and thought, surely he would forgive me? I went to my dressing table and opened the drawer and took out his photograph. And as I looked at it his eyes gazed back into mine – gentle with understanding. Dearest Gerald – I would take him with me to Ainsclough; I slipped both my photographs inside the twins’ dressing case.
Ben was arriving at Hareford late on the Sunday evening, and would be taken straight to the Mere Lodge where Mrs Davis was putting him up. I knew Ralph was staying with those guests who were at Sam Killearn’s – both houses were full. I sat through the long dinner party and the silver gleamed in the candlelight while the air was heavy with the scent of roses. But Hatton bore too many memories now – memories that pierced my heart. I could not have stayed here much longer.
In the morning I woke up feeling listless and heavy. Norah ran my bath and as soon as I was back from it she carried in my breakfast tray. I ate slowly, and as I did so I became aware of the dull ache in my stomach. As soon as I had finished I got up and walked down to the closet – and when I got there, I found I was bleeding.
It took some time for my numbed mind to comprehend, then at last I understood. There was no child in my womb – there never had been. For once I was early. I went back to my room, opened the lowest drawer of the small chest, took out my belt and buckled it around my empty belly. I looked across at my valise, already packed, then I bundled up the pads and went to push them inside it. But then I realized that I did not need to take them with me to Ainsclough – because I did not need to go to Ainsclough at all now. This wedding was unnecessary. But what of the houseful of guests, the tables already laden with their displays of presents – what could I say? However could I stop all these careful arrangements in their tracks?
And although I was bleeding now, so had I in the quarry on the moors, when Ben had broken my maidenhead, entered me, and filled me; and I remembered his voice saying: ‘It’s only right after what’s been between us.’ Yet surely I should tell him – but how could I? He was closeted in the Mere Lodge, far beyond my reach – besides, how could I tell him this intimate personal thing? I thought suddenly, I will ask Robbie, Robbie will tell him for me – but Robbie was dead. I began to tremble and there was a tap at the door and Norah came in, brisk and efficient. ‘Are you ready, my lady?’ She did not wait for my reply but went straight to the wardrobe and lifted out the confection of cream satin and lace which was my bridal gown. I stood, unresisting, while she dressed me in my finery. I felt the dull cramping in my belly and as she fastened the last satin button I whispered, ‘Please bring me my usual tablets – and a glass of water.’ Her face was concerned as she did as I asked, but she said nothing.
One of the housemaids brought up the bridal wreath, and I smelt the heavy scent of orange blossom.
I wanted to cry out in protest – how could I wear these white waxy flowers when I remembered Gerald dropping on one knee at my feet, his pale hair shining golden in the sun? But the wreath had been placed over my veil and securely pinned into position – it was too late, too late.
Like a puppet I walked down the wide staircase and came into the high spacious hall, where my father stood waiting. Norah whispered, ‘I’ll come back ahead while you’re signing the register, my lady – it’s all arranged.’ I put my hand on Papa’s arm and Norah picked up my train again as we walked out to the car. As my maid carefully arranged the heavy satin folds, Mrs Hill herself carried out the sheaf of lilies that was my bridal bouquet.
I sat in silence beside my father as we drove between the straight rows of tall beeches that led to the Lostherne gate – just as we had driven to my brothers’ funerals. We wound on through the heavy summer hedgerows and b
etween the rows of estate cottages until we turned sharply left to stop outside the lych gate – just as we had stopped while their coffins had been carried in. Eyes lowered behind my veil I walked up the steep path to the church – even as I had walked up to hear the words of the burial service read over my beloved brothers.
Letty was waiting in the porch, decked in her bridesmaid’s finery; her maid came forward to arrange my train and my sister took up her place behind me while the choristers formed their procession in front. The deep tones of the organ swelled out, the choristers moved forward and, leaning on Papa’s arm, I followed. We walked slowly between the pews of waiting guests, down the aisle – and over the place where my brothers’ coffins had lain on the bier. At the sanctuary steps, I stopped. The choristers were dividing to fill the choir stalls as I heard Letty’s urgent whisper, ‘Gloves, Hellie – gloves,’ and I fumbled to peel them off as she took my bouquet from me.
I heard the soft rustle of my sister’s skirts as she moved to stand behind me and then the opening words of the marriage service rang out:
‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God…’ But as I listened the words became faint and distant, and I heard instead, strong in my ears: ‘We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away…’
And even as the priest spoke the words of the marriage ceremony, so the terrible cadences from the burial of the dead echoed around me. He proclaimed, ‘…which is an honourable estate, instituted of God in the time of man’s innocence…’
But I had not innocence now and I heard only, ‘I held my tongue and spake nothing: I kept silence, yea, even from good words; but it was pain and grief to me.’
Song of Songs Page 54