To Have

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by Kali Brixton


  “I’m not the one who gave my word, you piece of shit. Seems like a fucked-up thing to do to your best friend once he’s not around.”

  “We were children.”

  “A promise is a promise.”

  “Like you’d know anything about keeping promises.”

  Anger flared in his eyes, and he advanced another step towards me. “You don’t even wanna fucking go there with me on that, asshole.”

  “What? Somebody make you pinky promise not to squeal your precious little secret to your mom and dad?”

  His nostrils flared, and he took a step back, his fist notably shaking. “Stay the hell away before you hurt her any worse.”

  “I think that’s her decision to make, not yours.”

  He went to the back door and grasped the knob until his knuckles turned white. “If you hurt her, so help me God, I will fucking bury you in pieces. That’s not a threat, that’s a fucking fact.”

  “Thanks for the pep talk, dickhead.”

  “Likewise, asshole.” He left his parting remark with a slam of the door.

  Well, happy fucking homecoming to you too, jerk.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Charlotte

  I sat on the couch with Staci on the other end, texting away to one of her two best friends, and Nikki locked away in her room, working on her latest art piece. Talented was too weak a word for what she did. She took emotions, mixed them on her old wooden palette, and brought them to life anew. Elsie was so thrilled to have her coming by, and I appreciated that she was with someone we could trust.

  It had been a couple of weeks since mine and Deacon’s non-date. After the cookout, he was a bit off but assured me everything was okay, and that he couldn’t wait until the next non-date. We had texted back and forth every day since then, silly little messages intermixed with some serious ones. I had mentioned Mason was helping organize the policemen’s ball this year—an annual fundraiser for a charity. This year, it was in honor of a breast cancer charity and a lady that was near and dear to our family’s hearts, especially Mom’s. The story of her and her husband’s last few months together was a testament to true love and how unfair life could be at times.

  He said he probably wouldn’t go, which made me sad, but I suspected it had more to do with my brother than me. Deacon and Mason hadn’t been around each other much since the cookout; however, when we had dinner together a few nights ago at Mom and Dad’s, there was a lot of static between them. Mason had always been standoffish, but how he was with Deacon was next level. Deacon shrugged it off, saying it was what it was. I didn’t like that he was so dismissive of Mason’s treatment of him and I definitely was disappointed in my brother for acting the way he did.

  The ball was a dressier affair, and I always loved getting to put on the dog, as Merritt would have put it. She had the funniest sayings she and her family brought from the Mountain State to Silverton. Some people made fun of her accent and all her crazy ways of putting things into words, but I adored everything about her. She was good for my brother, even though he had stupidly broken up with her two days before their deployment. Still, I could see an enormous amount of grief on her face when they brought him home for burial and I knew her heart laid there in the casket with Aidan.

  Since she had changed her number and deleted her social media accounts, there was no way to touch base with her. I just hoped, wherever she was, that she was happy. When Aidan passed, she slipped away quietly, and no one knew what became of her. Deacon was in such a mess himself when A died, I doubted he even knew where she went. Maybe she would visit someday and let us all know she’s okay. Mom and Dad missed her terribly and felt terrible that they hadn’t made a better effort to try to reach out to her after the funeral. Some drama went down there, so it was easy for people to fall through the cracks, but still. I always thought of her as my sister and had hoped I could’ve had her as my sister-in-law…

  I flipped through my email, trying to find the tracking number for my dress. The Emerald City would’ve been jealous, and I was immediately in love. Nikki was handy with a needle and thread, so she was going to help me with any alterations I needed, which often happened because my frame wasn’t off-the-rack by any means. She had opted to make her own gown, which if the mannequin she had the material pinned on was any indication, she was going to knock out some eyes, namely my brother’s.

  Still scrolling through, a message from Grey popped up, saying I needed to call him. Wondering what set the world on fire, I called him, recognizing the tone he was using right away.

  “Hey, my favorite sister.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Why would anything be wrong?”

  “Grey…”

  “So, I may have mentioned to Caz about the ball.”

  “Okay…”

  “And he asked if you were going with anyone.”

  “Please tell me you didn’t...”

  “Of course not. What do you take me for?” Thank goodness. “I may have mentioned you didn’t have a date, though.”

  “Grey!”

  “Please? He’s our business partner, and it would be a gesture of goodwill. Think of the people we’ll get to introduce him to and the other contacts we’ll be able to make.”

  “Grey, what if I had plans to go with someone else.”

  “Do you?”

  Deacon had said he wasn’t planning on going, which left me going stag. I didn’t really want to go with Caz, but it would be a kind gesture for the partnership. “No.”

  “Then, will you be a peach and go with him? Please?”

  I knew I needed to tell Deacon so he wouldn’t get the wrong impression, but the ball wasn’t for another couple of weeks, so I had plenty of time. “Just for business.”

  “Just for business.”

  I sighed, knowing I wouldn’t get to go with the guy that was quickly working his way into my good graces again—a thought that both thrilled me and scared me a bit. “All right.”

  “Thanks for taking one for Team Kasen, Sis.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” A thought popped into my head. “Hey. Who are you going with?”

  “No one. Why?”

  “Nikki doesn’t have a date.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Couldn’t hurt to ask, right?”

  The conversation filled with silence. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Don’t think too long. You’ll want to coordinate your outfits a bit.”

  “Maybe… Look, I gotta run. But a million and one thank yous and one I love you!”

  “One? That’s all I get?”

  “You can have as many as you want. You’re the best. I owe you lunch.”

  “Mmmhmmm.”

  “Bye.”

  I hit the End Call button, wishing I could trade my date for the man I have filed as Unknown on my phone.

  After about the 10th text that morning to Nikki, only for the last one to say Miss Elsie says to quit texting and get back to work, I began the morning’s tedious tasks: organizing and paying bills, getting payroll for the week ready, and preparing reports for that afternoon’s meeting. Elsie had gotten sick in the middle of the night, and I was getting ready to go over to stay with her when Nikki insisted that she go. That’s what I’m paid to do. Get some rest. I’ll call you if we need anything. Elsie adored Nikki and Staci from their years of visiting with us kids, but I loved that she and Nikki had been given a chance to bond outside of the family visits.

  I was halfway through running off the reports when a firm knock at my door stole my attention away.

  “Come in.”

  Expecting to see Grey come in and pester me about the ball or to ask about Elsie again, I couldn’t have been more surprised to see Deacon standing there.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi.”

  “Grey wanted to know if you have the reports ready for the meeting this afternoon.”

  I cocked an eyebrow because I just told him an hour ago when I had to push him out of m
y office that they’d be ready to go for the meeting. “Tell him they’ll be ready.”

  “Okay,” I smiled, loving this cat-and-mouse game we had fallen into with each other.

  I returned my attention to the computer, clicking the keys and waiting for the sound of a closing door that never came. I chanced a peek around the screen, only to see Deacon staring at the wall of pictures I had hung for Daddy a few months ago. “Need something else?”

  He didn’t reply, continuing to stare at the picture of all of us at the beach the summer before he and Aidan inked their service papers. I grabbed a handful of files that needed put away—because I hadn’t been able to set up everything electronically yet—and made my way towards the filing cabinet near where Deacon was standing.

  I opened the cabinet, found the correct spots for each file, and swiftly shut the last drawer. I turned around and settled myself in beside him, trying to see what was so mesmerizing. There were a million stories that could be told from the pictures hanging there, but the one he was intensely staring at was one of the last ones we took together as a family. “That was a wonderful summer.”

  “It was.”

  “I always loved the look on Aidan’s face in that one. He looks like he was up to no good. Probably wasn’t.” I laughed to break the quiet. Although I could only see half of his face, the storm brewing in his expression was unmistakable.

  “Was that when you got your tattoo?”

  “Which one?”

  He looked at me with a playful smirk. “You have more than one?”

  “Yelp. No longer a virgin,” I joked.

  Apparently, it got lost on Deacon because he side-eyed me with a harsh glare. “Come again?”

  “Skin, Deacon,” I grinned and rolled my eyes because I loved that there were so many more things he still had to learn about the new Charlotte. “I got my foot tattoo the summer after this one.” I thumbed the corner of the frame, holding the memory in my hand as carefully as I did in my heart. It was the summer before everything changed for our family. “I just got the one on my ribcage two years ago.”

  “I hear the ribcage can be a pretty painful spot to mark.”

  “You have no idea.” I shook my head at the memory of getting that one. “I had to put them in places they couldn’t easily be seen. Accounting firms still tend to frown on people having visible ones because some clients can get pretty riled up about them. So, I put them in places that wouldn’t be seen in a business setting.”

  “What did you get?”

  I placed my hand over my ribcage as if I could feel it through my shirt. “This one is a raven in flight with a quote underneath.”

  “What’s the quote?”

  “Never to suffer is to never have been blessed.”

  “Poe?”

  “Yeah, how’d you know?”

  “I actually paid attention from time to time in class, Charlotte.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” I laughed as I playfully swatted him on the arm. “So few people are familiar with that one from him, that’s all. It’s been a good reminder when the world feels like it’s about to come apart at the seams.”

  “I never pegged you as a Poe girl, Sunshine.”

  “Right? It surprised me too. I fell in love with him my junior year of high school. Mrs. Harlow had us do a project on a famous author. She paired each of us with one she thought might ‘broaden our horizons,’ as she put it.” I laughed because Mrs. Harlow was one of those teachers who was so in love with the written word, it was hard not to catch the fever from her. She always had a gleam in her eye when she would apply archaic pieces of literature to modern situations, showing us that so much of what was relevant in Shakespeare’s day still applied in a real way to us. And doggone it all if she didn’t make me fall for it, hook, line, and sinker. “I was upset at first because I wanted someone positive and happy. Someone more like—”

  “You?”

  “Yeah, but as usual, she was right. He’s a very tragic figure, and there’s no doubt he suffered greatly, but his words… There’s such eloquence in the way he describes loss and death. Even in darkness, he found a way to make it something to admire, to honor the beauty that was once there. It’s so weird to think about death as beautiful, but in some ways, I think it was more about showing people that death doesn’t kill out beauty; it immortalizes it.”

  “Okay. Enough Poe-fangirling today.”

  “It’s nice to see you so passionate about something.”

  “I’m full of all sorts of surprises, Mr. Devereaux.”

  “Oh, really?” His piqued interest showed itself in his raised eyebrow. “Do tell…”

  “I had them outlined in blacklight ink; looks amazing under the light.”

  He chuckled, “The kind they use at raves and clubs?”

  “I guess. Never been to one.”

  “Why get it then?”

  “There’s always more to people than meets the eye. But, if you’re lucky, you get to see what no one else does. That’s the magic of black light ink: hidden in plain sight, and only a select few get to be in on the secret.”

  He nodded in agreement. “What was that bandage for then?”

  “I cut my foot on that reef while we were all swimming. You were the first one to get to me. I still don’t know how you got there that fast.” I looked up at him, searching for recognition. “Don’t you remember?”

  “Yeah, I remember. Just seeing if you did.”

  I swatted his arm playfully. “Sure, you were.”

  “You had on a white swimsuit with gold words on it. Mermaid Off Duty. It was the first day you wore it, and you were worried you might get bloodstains on it.” Well, color me impressed. “You had your hair down. You refused to put it up because you said it felt unnatural to swim in the ocean with it like that. Mermaids didn’t wear their hair up, so you weren’t going to either.”

  I was calm on the outside, trying not to betray the inner happy dance party that was going on in my mind at the moment. “I’m impressed you noticed.”

  “I always noticed you.” His hand found my face, his thumb brushing softly against my cheek. “More than I should have. More than what was acceptable. But, I played it off like I didn’t because I didn’t want to get to attached.”

  “What’s wrong with getting attached?”

  He paused as if searching for an answer, swallowing hard. “From my experience, when I care about someone, I tend to lose them. Sins of the father, I guess.”

  “Hey. Look at me.” I placed my hand over his. “You are not your father. It’s not your penance to pay for his sins. You know that, right?”

  “Sometimes, it just feels like I get an extra helping of ‘em.” Sadness was apparent in his gaze. “One time, he called me a curse.”

  “He was the curse, not you. You are anything but that.”

  He stared at me for what felt like forever, the tension in the air thick but pleasant. It wasn’t stiff or painful, like so many times in the past. It was powerful. The tin walls faded away as did all the reasons why we shouldn’t be doing this here. I flicked my eyes from his orbs of arctic blue to the partially-opened pair of flesh-colored pillows gracing his handsome face. He was magnificent, and I couldn’t wait another moment or for another non-date to get a taste of them. I leaned towards him, and he matched my movements, gravity and longing pulling us together. With just a short distance, I let myself close my eyes to savor what promised to be a life-altering kiss, when—

  A loud knock and the door opening swiftly broke whatever this fragile moment was between Deacon and me. I jumped back, startled at the intrusion, but Deacon stood firmly planted, a scowl settling in deep and a slight rumble emanating from his chest.

  “Ah, Charlotte. Grey said I could find you in here.” Caz stood there in a charcoal gray suit, a hard hat, and an odd look on his face as his gaze ping-ponged between Deacon and me.

  “Caz. I wasn’t expecting you here today.”

  “I thought I’d stop by and
chat.” He kept his glare on Deacon, trying to figure him out.

  “I’m sorry. Where are my manners? This is—"

  “Deacon. I’m one of our crew and a…friend of the family.” He extended out a hand, which Caz tentatively took. I didn’t miss the way Caz wiped his hand against his expensive suit when he took a few steps back, and I doubted Deacon did either.

  It was the first time he had introduced himself to a stranger as anything other than my brother. I couldn’t stop the wide smile that crept across my face. “A very close family friend.”

  Deacon turned his face to me, partially from our uninvited guest, and gave me a secret wink.

  “That explains it, then.” Caz snickered. “You all were so close when I came in, I thought I might have interrupted something.”

  Another low growl from Deacon’s throat forced me to clear mine to cover the sound.

  “Can I do something for you, Caz? I thought we were meeting this afternoon.”

  “We are, but I was this way doing some errands, and I thought I’d stop and see if you’d accompany me to lunch.”

  “Oh, um, that’s really nice of you, but I—”

  “I thought we could talk about the policemen’s ball. I’m pleased you agreed to be my guest.”

  Well, crap.

  Deacon’s face tightened, and his jaw ticked slightly. “I’ve got to back to the site before Grey sends out a search party. I’ll tell him you’ll be ready for the meeting.”

  No, no, no! “Deacon, you don’t—”

  “Good talking with you, Charlotte.” He nodded to Caz and promptly walked his large frame through the doorway, not sparing a single glance back at me.

  “So, are you free, or did I catch you at a bad time?”

  “I…” I thought for a moment about the exchange. I was worried about Deacon’s reaction, which seemed to have a lot of hurts layered in there, but I didn’t want to raise suspicions running after him or be rude to the man who was helping us save our family’s company. I internally sighed, regretting the answer I had to give. “Sure. Lunch would be nice.”

 

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