by Kariss Lynch
Nick studied her. “So now she’s anti-government, anti-military, and anti-people. That explains why she went for sea animals and marine biology.”
Kaylan offered a small smile. “She takes care of them, and they love her.” She met Nick’s eyes. “I think that’s why she has a hard time with you and Micah and with me dating you. Deep down I think she sees a situation like her parents. And I think she seeks affirmation in these guys she dates, but she doesn’t expect them to stay long, because she never experienced depth or longevity in relationships growing up.”
She sank down on the bed next to him. “It just breaks my heart because I want so much better for her. And I want her to know what it feels like to be treasured by a guy, not for what she does but who she is.” Her face heated. She reluctantly met those piercing blue eyes she loved so much. “Like how you treat me.”
Nick smiled—the one he reserved just for her—and the warmth wrapped around her heart. “You make it easy, Kayles. Most of the time.” He kissed her forehead.
“Nick, I’m serious. Did Micah ever tell you about Caleb?”
His jaw twitched and she knew. “Micah wasn’t too impressed with that guy.”
“Neither was the rest of my family.” Her mind drifted back to her junior year of college when she’d met Caleb. She’d been like Megan once upon a time. Not in the extreme sense, but she’d once settled for a guy that controlled rather than treasured her. An engineer and student body president, Caleb could charm his way into any and every setting. Brilliant and handsome, he’d pursued Kaylan with an interest she couldn’t ignore.
They’d dated for a few months before she began to notice his manipulation and his passive-aggressive tendencies. Because of his accolades and stellar reputation, she blew off the indications, thinking her radar had malfunctioned. Inside she was suffocating. He got angry when she spent time with Sarah Beth and refused to call or text her back the next day. Any time she had a family event, he insisted on being present. After six months of dating and his insistence that it was time to talk to her dad, Kaylan finally got the guts to call it off.
“I get a small piece of how she’s feeling, Nick. But I wish she could see that she is worth far more than how these guys treat her. I wish she knew that she is made in the image of the God of the universe.”
“She’s got to figure that out for herself, Kayles. Pray and keep pointing her to Jesus. He loves her more than you do.”
Nick pulled her into a hug, and she thanked God for the safety and blessing of a man who loved her enough to let her be exactly who God had made her. Maybe one day she would have enough courage to be fully herself. Slowly but surely she crept closer to that reality.
Chapter 18
NICK LOVED HAVING Kaylan in California. Despite the threat of Janus, the weekend stretched before them, and Nick planned to enjoy it with one beautiful woman. With Micah’s help he’d thrown together an impromptu team night at the beach. Jay arrived with Logan’s kids. Still no word on his leg, but it didn’t look good. Yet one more loss he would add to Janus’s tab. She continued to rack up quite a list.
“Uncle Nick!” Molly skipped up and flew into his arms. She was the child of a SEAL, all right, fearless and trusting of their community. She knew he would never let her fall. He gave her a hug as he watched her brothers run down the beach to play a game of catch with Jay and Titus.
“Hey, ladybug. What’s going on?”
“I brought my board and my wet suit. Will you get in the water with me?”
Nick studied the sky. They still had a couple hours of daylight left before the sun dipped below the Pacific Ocean and ushered in the night watch. Nick looked to Kaylan.
“I haven’t learned either.” She shrugged. “I think it’s about time I did.”
Molly rolled her eyes. “Miss Kaylan, I am not on the baby level anymore. I can teach you how, no problem.” She squirmed from Nick’s arms, her attitude in full effect. “Race ya!”
She took off to Jay’s car to slip her wet suit on over her swim suit. Nick nodded at Kaylan to do the same. “We can’t let her beat us.” He took off like a shot to his Jeep, his competitive nature refusing to back down even to the four-year-old that had captured his heart.
Within twenty minutes they stood in the surf, Molly walking out as far as her little legs would take her then fighting the waves as she climbed on her board. What would happen if Logan lost his leg? He might never be able to teach Molly to surf. A muscle in his jaw twitched. Heat flooded his face.
What if something happened to him someday? What if he could never stand and hold Kaylan again? What if some teenager with something to prove set a roadside bomb, and Nick returned less than whole or in a flag-covered box?
He shook his head. He couldn’t play the “what-if ” game. The reality remained that he would rush into a situation to fight with his brothers and for his country any day of the week. But he couldn’t control the consequences—win or lose.
He held the board while Molly practiced paddling, the waves cooling him as the sun slowly arched closer to the horizon, the sky turning shades of gold and orange. Kaylan sat on the beach talking to Liza, Titus’s wife, sidetracked on the way to change into her suit. Nick looked at the little girl in front of him as she giggled, blissfully unaware that her daddy’s life may have changed forever.
At times he wondered why God didn’t stop the evil in the world. He’d wrestled with his inability to fix Kaylan’s hurt after the earthquake. She’d wrestled with the goodness of God. The more time that passed, the more stories from Haiti filtered to both of them about people coming to Christ despite and because of the awful circumstances, of people finding more strength than they knew existed to help each other. They heard stories of changed lives. It helped him better understand the goodness of a sovereign God who saw the big picture when Nick didn’t. But evil men who killed others? Nick wondered why the Lord didn’t just wipe them out.
Where did justice fit into all this? And how did Nick reconcile the fact that he killed people for a living? How was it possible for God to be just and merciful in equal measure, and if that was God’s character, what would that look like in Nick’s career? In all honesty, there were moments in combat when he didn’t think twice about pulling the trigger. Training and the intense urge to protect his home, his family, and his team overrode any sense of hesitation under gunfire. He didn’t want to take a life, prayed he wouldn’t have to. But he refused to back down when the situation called for it.
It was a weight he would always carry, always wonder about. What made him different from these men he wanted God to take care of? They fought a war of belief and philosophy, not one of compromise. It was as the Bible said; he didn’t make war against flesh and blood but against mentalities and influences much deeper than anything human.
“Uncle Nick, let me try. Let me go.” Water splashed his face as Molly kicked, snapping him out of his reverie.
“I don’t know, ladybug. Maybe next time.”
She stopped paddling and gazed up at him with her pale green eyes. In that moment he knew he would have trouble if he and Kaylan ever had a little girl. Molly knew how to shoot an arrow straight to his heart.
“Uncle Nick, please?”
He groaned and gazed out at th
e waves rolling in. These were baby waves, ones that she could just ride into the beach if she even managed to stand up like they’d been practicing. He took a deep breath.
“All right, ladybug. You can give it a try.”
“Woohoo!” Molly took off paddling. He knew she wouldn’t go out far. He slowly moved her direction, prepared to bail her out if necessary. He heard Kaylan cheer her on from the beach.
He breathed in the sea air and immediately felt his body relax. No stronger drug existed for Nick that could rival the tug of the sea. His mom used to say that he was born with fins and gills and that’s why they couldn’t find his birth parents. They lived under the ocean. For a while that answer satisfied him. He felt more at home in the surf than with his feet firmly planted on land. Now, he wanted to know who his birth parents were, even more so since that letter arrived with his birth name on the envelope.
Molly turned back toward him and started paddling with her little arms. She pushed up from her board and slowly managed to stand on wobbly sea legs before tumbling into the water. With quick strokes, he swam in her direction, ready to let her cling to him when her head crested the waves. She came up sputtering, her little eyes blinking furiously to dispel the water. He tugged her board to her, and she clung to it as she wiped water from her face.
“Uncle Nick, did you see me? I stood up! That was one mean wave.” Her jaw rattled from the cold but her grin melted the chill away.
Nick chuckled, leaning on the other side of the board, his toes barely scraping the sandy ground beneath their floating bodies.
“Check you out. You’ll be a pro in no time.”
“Yeah. I’m going to learn to surf to pay for things.” She shook her head, and her smile drooped. “I don’t want to do what Daddy does. I want to wrestle waves, not people.”
Nick bobbed with her board. “I think your mommy and daddy will love whoever you decide to be.”
“Even if I don’t fight bad guys?” Her big eyes nearly broke his heart.
“Molly, why do you think you need to fight bad guys?”
“Because my daddy does. Because he’s a hero and takes care of people.” Her bottom lip protruded in a pout, and he wished he could ease her confusion and hurt.
Nick reached across the small board and stroked her arm. “Molly, your daddy and I decided we wanted to fight bad guys to protect you and people we love. But that doesn’t mean everyone has to do that. If everyone fought bad guys, who would win surfing competitions or stay home and take care of things?” He tapped her nose and smiled.
“Zactly. Plus, I don’t want to get hurt.”
There it was, Molly’s fear lurking right below the surface. Nick squeezed her hand. “Baby girl, you might get hurt surfing one of these days, or riding your bike, or playing with your brothers.” “Or my new baby sister.”
Nick smiled, praying Molly got her wish. “Or your baby sister. But Molly, we can’t live afraid to get hurt.”
“Oh, I know that, Uncle Nick. I live with two boys. They hurt me sometimes when we play.”
Nick nodded in agreement. “I bet they do. But know what? You’ll be tougher for it. Things happen in life that hurt, Molly.”
“Like what happened to my daddy?”
“Yes. But those bad things often help us become better people. You understand?”
She tapped his nose like he did to her all the time and giggled. “Sorta. One more time?” She breezed past the serious moment, ready to play. He wished he could refocus that quickly. Oh, to be a kid again without a care in the world. He prayed she never lost her innocence.
Nick helped Molly climb back on her board and then treaded water as she fell into the waves one more time. How did you explain the idea of pain to a four-year-old? Kids understood the physical ache but couldn’t always identify the sentiment that ran much deeper. He wished he could wrap Molly in a bubble and keep her far from a broken heart or the decision that might be coming for Logan.
But all he could do was coach her through the waves and pray her through the ache. One day she would see that pain only polished a person, as the waves polished the sand on the beach, washing away the messy bits to reveal the treasures hidden beneath.
Shadows lurked just outside the fire line as the group sat roasting marshmallows on the beach. Nick cringed when his phone buzzed in his short’s pocket. Lately every time it rang there seemed to be bad news. Kim’s name illuminated the screen. He closed his eyes and answered the call.
“Nick.” Her voice broke. Nick stepped away from the laughter of kids and smoke of the camp fire to see the starry night.
“Kim, just tell me.”
“The antibiotics didn’t work and the muscle has too much damage from the shrapnel. They . . . we decided. He’s going to lose his leg. We will work to get a prosthetic so that he can function and have a normal life. But . . . ” She sniffed back tears. “I don’t know what to tell the kids. Can you bring them to the hospital?”
Nick ran a hand over his face and kicked the sand. He tamped down the rage causing his hands to shake. “Yeah, Kim. We’ll load up and bring them.”
He could hear her breathing on the other end. “Hawk, it’s not your fault. You all need to know that.” Her voice shot straight through the phone to all the questions and anger boiling in his heart and mind. “You know he would have rushed into all of that again. You know he would rather it be him in this bed than one of you.” Anger colored her voice. “Don’t you dare for one second dishonor his sacrifice by blaming yourself. You know this is a commitment you all made. And those of us who love you, commit to make it with you.”
“Kim . . . ”
“Just bring my kids, and we’ll talk more when you get here.” She sobbed just as the call disconnected.
He stared out at the waves and at the moon illuminating the horizon line. The vastness of the ocean terrified him at times. Its strength couldn’t be compared, measured, or replicated. It often reminded him of the Lord—able to soothe one minute and destroy the next. He had a healthy fear, but the cadence of the water still called to his soul. Saltwater blood. He smiled at the memory of his parents, feeling the ache of missing them magnified more than usual.
Logan hadn’t died over there. He could at least be thankful for that. His kids wouldn’t grow up without their dad. The bullet hadn’t affected his brain. They would still learn from the amazing man he remained. And they would go their whole lives knowing their daddy was a hero.
Nick groaned. How did he do this?
Gentle hands wrapped around his waist, and he smelled the faint scent of lavender mixed with sea spray as Kaylan stood behind him. For once he leaned into her strength.
“Is it Logan?” Her voice barely carried over the waves.
He could only nod. “Kim needs us to take the kids to the hospital.”
“You know the guys won’t stay behind.”
He nodded again. “Where one goes, we all go. When one grieves, we all grieve.” He counted on their presence. “We promised they wouldn’t go through this alone.” He turned to put his arm around her. “This is my family, Kaylan, and they’re hurting. And I can’t fix it.” His eyes stung from the pull of tears. He had to stay
strong.
She placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Then let’s go take care of them.” She pulled back to look in his eyes. “Together.”
His lips found hers, slow and steady, finding comfort in the familiarity. Every day he wondered how he could possibly love this woman more, but every day his love for her grew. If this moment portrayed a lifetime with her, then he couldn’t wait.
Nick turned to face the group and met Jay’s eyes. He shook his head. Jay swallowed, his jaw locking and hands clenching. Nick could feel his anger burn hotter than the fire. Janus would pay, one way or another.
“Hey, kids, let’s go see your dad.” Nick tousled Conner’s hair and reached down to pick up the blanket spread out on the sand.
The boys jumped up, racing to the car. Molly came to Kaylan, reaching for her hand, her eyes drooping. Without a word everyone else cleaned up the beach and kicked out the fire, following Nick and Kaylan to the cars.
Whatever came next, they would weather together. Even in loss of limb, Nick wouldn’t leave a man behind.
Chapter 19
FOR ONCE THE white dominating the hospital ward didn’t feel clean and crisp. It felt too sterile, too cold. He dreaded the conversation to come. Like in days past, the team gathered in the waiting room. Jay and Titus pulled out the notepad they had stashed under a couch and resumed their last game of tic-tac-toe. Nick wasn’t sure who dominated the score chart at the moment.
Micah settled into a chair and flipped through the same sports car magazine Nick had seen him peruse at least ten times. His eyes kept drifting to the USC football game blaring from the TV in the corner. Colt pulled a rubber ball from his pocket and set it in motion, bouncing it from the linoleum floor to his hand. In the same way Nick chewed gum to create a repetitive mindless motion, Colt played with that red rubber ball. He claimed it channeled his nervous energy into something he could control. Nick shook his head. Whatever worked to maintain Colt’s sanity was fine by him.