Spatz called him over. “Take a look at this,” he said.
Goreburg looked at the screen. He could not believe his eyes. They had landed perfectly between two trees. The machine was wedged between the trees, and the door was jammed right against one of them. There was no way out of it. As they sat there, just a few hundred yards away, the founding fathers were signing the Declaration of Independence.
“Shit,” said Goreburg. “Can’t you do something about this?”
“Me?” replied Spatz. “I thought you were supposed to be the genius, Arthur.”
“Shut up, Ronald,” Goreburg snapped.
By now, a small group of Philadelphians were gathered around the time machine. Ronald and Arthur had landed just behind a pub, which attracted quite a crowd. Now several drunk and rowdy colonists were starting to rock the machine back and forth.
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” said Ronald.
Arthur agreed. They strapped themselves in and headed for their second choice, AD 33, the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The machine started to spark and whir, and a moment later they were off again. When the smoke cleared they found themselves in Jersualem in the year AD 33. Again, amazingly, the machine had worked. They congratulated each other. A moment later Ronald popped out of his seat and ran to the door. He pushed it. It didn’t budge. He pushed harder. Again, no luck.
This time when they looked at the external camera they found themselves jammed against the wall of a cave.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” complained Goreburg. “What the hell is going on?”
“It’s a time machine, Arthur. Shit happens,” snarled Spatz.
“Yeah, well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? We’ve got a time machine, but what we need is a time and space machine, Mr. Wizard,” said Goreburg.
“Maybe you’ve forgotten that time and space are linked in a lit something called ‘spacetime,’ Ronald. I thought someone with your intelligence would know that.”
“Shut up, Arthur.”
“You shut up!” Then both men realized that if they didn’t stop arguing and head back to the present quickly, their energy source would run out. They stopped talking, put on their seatbelts, and headed home. The next day, the two men returned to work and exchanged awkward apologies. Goreburg promised to work on providing a longer-lasting energy source, and Spatz offered to solve the space problem. As frustrated as both of them were, they were also elated. Each realized just how monumental their invention was. And both secretly wished he could cut the other guy out of it. But both men also knew that they needed each other, at least for the time being. So they kept quiet and worked to improve the machine.
A week later, Spatz had solved the space problem. And the next day Goreburg delivered a new energy source and they were ready to go.
Spatz suggested that they head to ancient Egypt to witness the completion of the Pyramids.
They went back to the liquor store and headed to Egypt. When they landed right on the tip of the Great Pyramid, Spatz looked at Goreburg.
“You happy?” he said. “I fixed the space problem; we’ve landed exactly on the tip of the Pyramid. You’re welcome.”
Goreburg, enraged by Spatz’s stunt, got out of his seat to punch him.
“No!” cried Spatz. “You’ll throw off our balance.”
The machine tipped and started to roll down the side of the Great Pyramid.
Spatz scrambled, reached for the controls, and quickly typed in anything he could. The machine activated, and a moment later they were gone.
They landed in a random field somewhere in an isolated part of Eastern Europe in the year 1356. Goreburg opened the door and looked out of the machine. There was nothing there aside from some shrubs and a few small animals.
Goreburg looked at Spatz and, in his most sarcastic tone, said, “Nice one, Ronald.”
“Shut up, Arthur,” Spatz replied as he marched through the door of the time machine. The trip was too much for his tiny bladder. He was desperate to relieve himself, and was just happy that he could finally pee. He walked outside and headed for some taller shrubs off in the distance.
As he peed, Ronald surveyed the landscape before him. While there were no people or any signs of culture there, it was still thrilling to be standing in a field in 1356, peeing on a medieval shrub. He started to think about what they’d accomplished. Then, suddenly a loud noise interrupted Spatz’s reverie. He turned to see the time machine power up and recede into a cloud of smoke.
Inside the machine, Goreburg sat in his seat and smiled to himself as he headed off with the machine to claim the massive fame and fortune that awaited him in the future. Arthur looked through the window and smirked at the sight of a panic-stricken Spatz sprinting towards the machine with his pants falling around his legs.
Then, in an instant, Goreburg and the machine were gone.
Spatz screamed and collapsed.
Goreburg settled into his seat, overcome with joy and relief. He’d never have to see Spatz again. He was eager to get home and make plans to market the time machine. “I’m going to be a very rich man,” he said to himself.
Then the machine made a weird clicking sound and began to spin around. The noise faded and the machine started to shut down. It coasted for a moment and then crashed into the ground.
The machine had been damaged when it tumbled down the side of the Great Pyramid. In his haste to abandon Ronald, Arthur failed to notice the damage. Now, after using it in its damaged condition, the machine was completely destroyed. Goreburg looked at the date on the console. He had only traveled about one week into the future and only about two hundred yards from where he left Spatz.
A week later Spatz showed up, and when he found Arthur standing near the broken machine, he beat the hell out of him.
Spatz would have killed Goreburg had the fight not been broken up by a group of local tribesmen. The tribesmen had seen the crash from a distance and hiked up to the field to investigate it.
They seized Arthur and Ronald and brought them back to their village.
A week later Goreburg and Spatz were tried for witchcraft and burned at the stake. No one ever knew what happened to the young scientists. Even though they vanished, their copy machine did not. It was successfully tested and then sold to Hollywood, where it is still widely used today.
Confessions of a White Guy with Dreadlocks
Even though I play it down, I secretly love the attention that my dreadlocks get me.
I often go to events where I know I can shake my head around a lot and showcase my dreadlocks. This includes concerts, drum circles, and tennis matches.
If I go somewhere and there is another white guy with dreadlocks there, I get competitive. I prefer to be the only white guy with dreadlocks in the group, because the dreadlocks are kind of my thing.
I honestly can’t tell you when the last time I washed my hair was. In fact, I don’t even remember what season it was.
I think white guys with cornrows look ridiculous.
I didn’t actually come up with my personal tag line: “Don’t dread the locks.” I heard some other guy with dreadlocks say it at Burning Man.
I own more hacky sacks than books.
I always try to keep a safe distance from cats and squirrels, because if I get too close they’ll crawl onto my head and try to burrow into my dreadlocks.
My parents pay my rent.
One time, when I was lying down in a park I accidentally got a whiff of my dreadlocks, and I almost passed out from the smell.
I secretly hate the sound of bongos. The main reason I play them is because they go really well with my look (and they’re a great excuse for me to shake my dreads around).
I do not actually know how to play the bongos.
Fireworks make me very uneasy, because if one of them flies into my hair, my dreads will light up like flash paper.
If someone tries to out-mellow me, I’ll put my dreadlocks into overdrive, making it clear who the mellow one is here
.
I am not as smart as I look.
Spanish Teacher
The following is a translation of a conversation that took place entirely in Spanish.
SPANISH TEACHER: Thomas?
FORMER STUDENT: (stopping) Señora Alvarez? Hi.
SPANISH TEACHER: Thomas, hello, it’s great to see you! How have you been?
FORMER STUDENT: Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: It’s been a long time since high school. What have you been up to?
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. It has many years of… that… when high school. Good. How you?
SPANISH TEACHER: I see you still remember some of your Spanish. Very good… Well, as for me, I’m doing well. I had another little girl. Wait, now that I think about it, I wasn’t even married yet when you took my class. Well, anyway I’m happily married, and I have two little girls now. Of course, I’m still teaching Spanish.
FORMER STUDENT: Good. Yes. Good. I work. I live. I am… I am a… do work. And there is money. When with…? Yes. Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Okay. So you have no idea what I’m saying, do you? I’m guessing that no matter what I say you’ll just say “Good” back to me. Is that right?
FORMER STUDENT: Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Yep. Well that’s great. Another forr student who retained nothing. Thomas, if you’re a complete moron, say “Good.”
FORMER STUDENT: Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Shocker. Students like you make me want to cut my own tongue out.
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. Good. I… table, go much… tapas good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Wow. You’re even dumber than I remember, and yet it’s amazing that you insist on sticking with the Spanish here. And now I’ll make it sound like I’m asking you a question?
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. Yes. Good. Um…
SPANISH TEACHER: I remember when you were in high school how you had a crush on me. It was fun to tease you in those subtle little ways. I bet you still fantasize about me. I have to say, if I weren’t married I’d take you back to my place right now and have some fun with you.
FORMER STUDENT: I have went college and… avocado.
SPANISH TEACHER: “Avocado.” Do you mean “lawyer”? Are you trying to say “lawyer”?
FORMER STUDENT: No. Me not avocado.
SPANISH TEACHER: You mean you’re not a “lawyer”? Is that what you mean? The word is “l-a-w-y-e-r.”
FORMER STUDENT: A-v-o-c-a-d-o.
SPANISH TEACHER: Whatever… So you’re not a lawyer. Why are you telling me this?
FORMER STUDENT: Uh, how say… “paralegal”?
SPANISH TEACHER: Oh, you could use the word “underachiever” or “disappointment.”
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. “Disappointment,” yes. Me that.
SPANISH TEACHER: Good. Very good.
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. Me not avocado. The much with good. Yes. much… um… papers?
SPANISH TEACHER: You know what, if I were single I would get weird with you. If I could just find a way to stop you from talking… maybe put a cloth in your mouth or something. I wowho this girl is who seems to be with you? Is this your girlfriend? I doubt it. I’d think you could do better than her.
FORMER STUDENT: Oh, yes! It me forget… um… This is girlfriend, Inez. She from Spain.
SPANISH TEACHER: …
INEZ: Hello. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
SPANISH TEACHER: …
Zing!
Information Booth
GUY WORKING IN BOOTH: Can I help you?
ME: Yes. I’m trying to find someone who is a disappointment to his parents.
Zing!
Airplane
WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME ON AIRPLANE: So, what do you do?
ME: Oh, I get paid to make boring small talk with strangers on airplanes.
Zing!
—And then sat in hostile silence for next 5 hours of flight.
City Street
WOMAN: Do you know what time it is?
ME: Yeah. Let me see. (looking at watch) It looks like just past dumb question from annoying woman.
Zing!
My Friend’s Apartment
MY FRIEND: I don’t ever get to travel.
ME: Yeah, except for around the sun, every day, all the time.
Zing!
Coffee Shop
ME: (paying at register, looking at jar that says “Tips” and then knocking it over) Yeah, I guess it does.
Zing!
Club
GUY WHO HANGS OUT A LOT IN CLUBS: How does my hair look?
ME: It looks embarrassed.
Zing!
—Then got punched in the face.
Concert Hall
FULL ORCHESTRA: (finishes playing long symphony)
ME: (before anyone can make a sound) Nice try.
Zing!
—Then was lunged at by furious conductor.
Mirror
MY REFLECTION: What are you looking at?
ME: I don’t know, a two-dimensional jackass?
Zing!
—And zinged at the same time.
Hospital
SURGEON: We’re going to put you under now. Any questions before your surgery begins?
ME: Just one. Is that your breath or did a small animal die really close to your mouth?
Zing!
—Then immediately regretted it based on look on surgeon’s face.1
Results of Your Personality Test
Summary Report
Your Personal Carer Profile Assessment outlines your skills, abilities, interests, strengths, weaknesses, personality characteristics, and suggested career matches for your type.
You will find your Profile and Results below.
Your Test Results
Your personality is suspicious, noncompliant, introverted, sneaky, untrustworthy, vengeful, greedy, unreasonable, and dangerous. You are naturally uncooperative and do not work well with others, at all. You are not a leader. Nor are you a follower. You are a disruptor. In addition, you are snarky, mean, pessimistic, and extremely unpleasant to be around. You are also very focused, but mostly on yourself. You are best suited for work that does not involve other people, that is, if you had any capacity for work whatsoever, which you don’t. You are cranky, immature, insensitive, and extremely unforgiving. Considering these characteristics, aim for careers that relate to your top interests and compliment you as a person.
Listed below are strengths that are typical of people who score like you. Consider occupations that will enable you to capitalize on these strengths.
Personality Strengths
• Judgmental
• Opportunistic
• Stubborn
• Slothful, self-indulgent, and self-pitying
• Prone to complaining
• Unsympathetic to others
• Extremely complacent
• May take unnecessary risks that put others in danger
• May have an attitude of superiority
• Tendency to inexplicably punch things
Shown below are non-strengths that are typical of people who score like you. These are areas where improvement will benefit your performance. It is best to minimize exposure in areas that might showcase your non-strengths.
Personality Non-strengths
• Tendency to kick or shove people when confused
• Easily confused
• Overly sensitive
• Propensity for blindly following dogmas
• Formidably lethargic
• Morally bankrupt
• Quick to start stabbing things when agitated
• Prone to uncontrollable weeping
• Uncomfortable in group social activities; can appear unfriendly and/or homicidal
Your extremely high score on the DOMINANCE scale indicates that you are naturally motivated to have absolute control over your environment and over anyone in it.
Your very low-range score on the CONSCIENTIOUSNESS scale suggests that you have the abilit
y to be both precise and ruthless. You should be careful around babies and law-enforcement officials.
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