This Is a Book

by Demetri Martin

Announcements

  Hotline

  Megaphone

  Ideas & Opinions

  Robot Test

  Genie

  New Year’s Party

  How I Felt

  Socrates’s Publicist

  Statistics

  Bee Sting

  Who I Am

  Bugle Virtuoso

  Some Drawings

  TWO

  Dad

  Titles

  My Band

  Palindromes for Specific Occasions

  Cat Calendar

  Optimist, Pessimist, Contortionist

  We’re Pregnant

  Protagonists’ Hospital

  Rain

  Honors & Awards (for Which I Would Qualify)

  Better Than Sex

  Short Stories

  Frustrating Uses of Etc.

  Charts & Graphs

  THREE

  My Diet

  Fortune Cookies

  A Christmas Carol (the Deleted Scene)

  WED

  Fruit Vendor (Diary Excerpts)

  Pets (a Conversation)

  A Cappella Group Freak Accidents

  My Checks

  A Crossword Puzzle

  Sheila

  Products

  A Picture (1,000 Words)

  Epigrams, Fragments & Light Verse

  One Phone Call

  More Drawings

  FOUR

  My Powers

  Human Cannonball Occupational Hazards

  Eulogy

  Flags

  Painted Faces

  Some Meanings

  Goreburg and Spatz

  Confessions of a White Guy with Dreadlocks

  Spanish Teacher

  Zing!

  Results of Your Personality Test

  More Statistics

  Excerpts from My Often-True Autobiography

  The Word Awards

  Goodbyes

  About the Author

  Also by Demetri Martin

  Copyright

  About the Author

  Demetri Mar

  tin is the author of THIS IS A BOOK BY DEMETRI MARTIN. He is currently working on his next book. He lives somewhere in America.

  Also by Demetri Martin

  *

  * Nothing yet. This is his first book.

  1 NOTE: This turned out to be the final Zing.

  Copyright

  Co

  pyright © 2011 by Demetri Martin

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Grand Central Publishing

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

  www.twitter.com/grandcentralpub

  First eBook Edition: April 2011

  Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  ISBN: 978-1-609-41876-2