Lily couldn’t hide from the fact that Jake wasn’t ready for her news. No matter how much she wanted him to be, she wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready. Not as long as he was hung up on Madison and her illness. The thought made her feel selfish.
“Do you need to spend time with her?”
“No. I don’t think so. She has her parents, her sister. She’ll probably go back to Florida or wherever she lives now. She doesn’t need me.”
His word choice made her uncomfortable. She doesn’t need me. For some reason she thought he should have said something else but then again, that was probably the selfish Lily talking.
“So what are you going to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“About Madison. Did you get the closure you needed?”
“I think so. I wasn’t prepared for her to tell me something like that. I could have sworn she was lying again. I wouldn’t put it past her.”
“Right.”
Lily stood and walked over to the tree, leaning her head against it as she took in her surroundings. It was peaceful here.
“So, what did you have to talk to me about?”
As she closed her eyes and placed her hands on her stomach, she turned to him and smiled. “Nothing that can’t wait. I’m just happy you’ve finally put that part of your life behind you. We can move forward. We’ll talk about Atlanta and all that another day. Today you should just go home, relax and finish dealing with your feelings.”
“I’m fine, really. I don’t need to deal with anything else. I thought we could spend the day together.”
“I know. But you should go. I haven’t been feeling well. I think I’m coming down with something. All I want to do is go to bed. It’s okay, really. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Jake felt something was off, there was something she wasn’t telling him but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
“Are we okay?”
“Yeah. We’re okay. Ready to walk back?”
She reached for his hand and he pulled her in for a hug. He felt something putting distance between them and he hoped he wasn’t losing her. Whatever it was, she was definitely distracted and he thought it would be better not to push.
“You know, none of this changes how I feel about you.”
“I know. And it doesn’t change how I feel about you either. We have time. I promise.”
Jake couldn’t shake the feeling he was losing her.
Lily couldn’t run from the fact that he’d never be truly free from his past. She wasn’t sure if it was cruel of her to expect him to be. One thing was certain; she needed to sort out her thoughts and feelings before she pressed him. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him for something she wasn’t willing to give back in return.
CHAPTER 40
For someone that was used to being alone, Jake didn’t like the feeling. He’d always been one to ignore phone calls and text messages, hole himself up in his house for days, and avoid contact with others. It wasn’t that he was anti-social, he just liked being by himself. Even when Madison lived with him, he’d find ways to escape. Usually that meant playing his guitar at Billy’s or spending extra time at the docks. Now, he wanted nothing more than to have Lily near him. Even if they didn’t speak, didn’t touch, just knowing she was there made him feel comfortable, made him feel something. The fact that she seemed distant made him antsy.
He’d already gone through his contact list and called everyone he could think of. His father wasn’t home, his brother was watching the kids while Megan dealt with her sister, Billy was working the bar. A few of his other friends were either unreachable or unavailable. After two years of forcing himself not to think, that was all he could do while shuffling aimlessly through his house.
His mind moved from memory to memory, awash in hopes, dreams, and regrets. Thoughts of his mother punched a hole in his heart and though it’d been years since she passed, every color, every wind shift, every memory of her flooded his mind. Just as quickly as the wave washed over him, it receded, and he was overcome by memories of baseball, college scouts, and lost dreams. It wasn’t long before visions of Madison plagued him.
Every minute detail of their doomed relationship spun him until he was dizzy enough to throw up in his sink. Soaked with the sweat of ignored issues and suppressed emotions, he was forced to face everything he hadn’t, everything he didn’t. Everything he wouldn’t. He was forced to face his role in it all, his faults, and all the blame he placed elsewhere.
Had he not been so complacent, had he played things differently in the beginning, could they have survived? Would he have felt the same? Would he have loved her, anyway? Was it the drama and pain and disrespect that was their glue? Had he changed enough since then to move on to a healthy relationship with Lily?
Images of Lily whisked in, replacing the darkness of Madison. Rays of light, crashing waves of hope and freedom followed her. But was it real? Was it doomed to fail much like everything else in his life? Would he screw everything up? Was he waiting for the other shoe to drop? Could he survive more heartbreak? Overwhelming failure filled him as he fought to remain upright. Hand pressed up against the wall, he clutched his chest as the next wave crashed.
In a panic, he picked up his keys and headed for the door. Jumping in his truck and slamming it into reverse, he peeled out. His tires screeched black lines into the pavement as he changed direction. He needed to see her. Even if she didn’t want to see him, he needed to know he wasn’t crazy. That everything would be okay.
CHAPTER 41
As Jake was jumping into his truck and rushing off to see Lily, Madison stirred from her sleep. The headaches that greeted her every time she woke up were becoming an unwelcome regularity but this time it felt different. The distant throbbing she was used to quickly morphed into sharp pain. It wasn’t long before it moved behind her eyes and she was seeing stars. She needed her meds.
Voice weak, she tried to yell, “Dad?”
When no one answered, she tried rolling to her side, like her doctors had taught her. It was easier for her to sit up from a sideways position than it was lifting herself straight up. It alleviated the pressure on her head, and she didn’t feel like she was going to vomit every time she tried to get out of bed.
“Dad? Mom? Meg?”
She struggled to turn over to the side but her body wasn’t cooperating, and her vision was blurring. What began as short, sharp bursts of light in her eyes soon raged into seizure inducing flashes. Closing her eyes to ward off the pain, she crossed her left arm across her body and felt for the edge of the mattress. Her fingers gripping as hard as she could, she struggled to pull her body over on its side. The effort alone had her gasping for breath. This wasn’t like anything she’d ever experienced before. This was much worse. Her doctors warned her to expect something like this, but it was something she shouldn’t have needed to be prepared for at least another couple of months.
Beads of sweat began forming at her temples, and she continued to squeeze her eyes tight. Goosebumps littered her body. A sudden flash of heat was quickly replaced with teeth chattering cold. She could hear the sound of her heartbeat pounding in her ears, every breath an echo. A dog barked outside, and she could have sworn it was right next to her. Every sense was heightened, every nerve screamed itself raw.
She forced her legs to drop over the side of the bed. Tingles raced up from the tips of her toes to her hips. Mouth dry and tongue thick, she used the same hand that had pulled her over to push herself up to a sitting position. On the first attempt, she collapsed into a trembling heap. After the third try, she gave up, grabbed the edge of the mattress and used every ounce of strength to pull the rest of her body off the bed. If she couldn’t walk, she was sure as hell gonna try crawling.
With a grunt, she managed to roll off the bed. Her legs failed to support her, and she smacked her head on the side table as she fell. Momentarily disoriented, she slowly opened her eyes and tried to blink away the blood that dripped into them. Reaching u
p to wipe it away, she started to shake uncontrollably. Her head smacked back against the bed frame, causing the bursts of light to intensify like fireworks. In a fit, she bit through her tongue, but she didn’t have the capacity to cry out. As her mouth filled with blood, rust colored tears fell to the beige carpet. She was aware of everything that was happening to her but helpless to do anything about it.
When the seizure finally subsided, she lay on the carpet, barely able to take stock of the situation. Her mouth was bloody, her tongue bleeding, and she had a gash on her forehead. She thought she might have she cut the back of her head on the bed frame as well. It was a moment or two before she realized she emptied her bladder all over herself. She was still coherent enough to be embarrassed, but she was determined to get out of that room. Unfortunately, when she tried to lift her arms to start dragging herself, she realized one of them wasn’t working. Try as she might, she couldn’t move her left arm. She couldn’t move her fingers. Fear ripped through her and her heart began to beat wildly.
Mustering up the energy to call out one last time, she found her voice no longer worked either. Digging the fingernails of her right hand into the carpet, she bent her right leg and pushed and pulled herself across the floor. Three of her nails snapped in the process and her fingers bled. Vomit poured from her mouth as she dragged herself toward the door. A trail of blood and urine followed her. She shook in fear and exertion before finally collapsing in the middle of the room. Eyes closed, she drifted off to unconsciousness to escape the pain.
CHAPTER 42
As Jake left his house, Lily was in the kitchen making a second sandwich when she felt the first pinch. Briefly touching her side, she mostly ignored it, picked up her plate, and walked over to the table. Tossing the knife in the sink and capping the mustard, she stepped back across the kitchen. The second pinch came as she opened the refrigerator door. This time, the pain was sharper than the last. She stood up straight and rubbed her hand across her stomach, breathing deeply. When it subsided, she reached in, placed the mustard on the door, grabbed a bottle of water, and went back to her sandwich.
She thought about Jake as she chewed, deciding to drive over to his house later. He needed to know about the baby. She needed to see his reaction before she made any decisions. As it was, she wasn’t going to Atlanta right away. After she’d spoken to her parents, they’d all decided she should go back to Connecticut, at least for a while. At least until she figured out what to do next. And much of that decision rested on how Jake took the news. In her heart, she knew he’d be happy, but her head warned her against fairytale endings.
On the table next to her was her phone so she turned it on and noticed a she had a new voicemail message. More concerned with hunger pains than voicemail messages, she tossed the phone back on the table and cursed to herself as it slid away and onto the floor. Looking from her dinner to the fallen phone, she arched her eyebrow, pursed her lips, and picked up her sandwich.
She was halfway through her meal when a stabbing pain ripped through her abdomen. Crying out, she shoved herself back from the table and dropped her head between her knees. The pain intensified before it subsided. A bit disoriented, she finally stood. Her pants felt damp, like she had wet herself.
Reaching down between her legs, she felt something sticky. She lifted her hand to her face and saw that her fingers were red. It took a moment before she realized it was blood. Eyes wide, she looked down at the chair she’d just vacated. A dark stain marred the seat cushion.
“Oh my God,” she whispered as she covered her mouth with her hand. She was reaching for the table to steady herself, when another pain ripped through her abdomen and dropped her to her knees. Looking around the kitchen, she saw her cell phone lying on the floor on the other side of the table. She couldn’t get her body to cooperate enough to get to it. Instead, she sat on the floor and slid back far enough to lean on the cabinets. Focusing on her breathing, she closed her eyes and accepted the pain until it abated.
She was finally able to pull herself up, even out her posture, and retrieve her phone. When she bent over, another jolt ran through her. She cried out. On her hands and knees, she picked up her phone and dialed Jake.
“Lily.”
“Jake. I need you to come here. Something’s wrong.”
“I’m pulling into the driveway now. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Just get here. Please.”
When he heard her moan on the other end, he barely took the time to put his car in park, let alone take the keys out of the ignition. By the time he burst through the front door, Lily was lying on the floor in the fetal position.
“Oh my God, Lily! What happened?”
She looked at him through tears as he held her head and checked her for injuries.
“What happened? What hurts?”
She lifted her hand and showed him the blood. “The baby.”
“Baby? What baby?”
He looked around and saw her pants were wet. Touching them, he noticed she was wet with blood.
“Lily? A baby?”
Nodding, she buried her head into him and sobbed.
Thoughts raced around him as he tried to understand what she was saying. Her baby. His baby. Their baby. Blood. He picked her up, rushed her out to the truck, and took off for the emergency room. He’d already lost one baby. He wasn’t about to lose another.
CHAPTER 43
John walked into the kitchen from the backyard, dirty from yard work and exhausted with grief. He poured himself two fingers of bourbon and settled at the kitchen table. Abby finally fell asleep on the couch hours ago, and John hadn’t wanted to disturb her. Megan left an hour before. He used the silence to catch his breath and process the past few days. He hadn’t had the chance to comprehend the magnitude of what a brain tumor meant for his daughter. He’d been too busy holding up Abby, consoling Megan, and taking care of Madison. For the first time, he sat alone with nothing but his thoughts to occupy him.
What any of this meant for his family, he didn’t know. He was certain that the time spent estranged from Madison was needless. When it came down to it, he was a family man and he was ashamed he’d ever turned his back on his daughter.
Standing, he crept into the living room, careful not to wake his wife, lifted a photo album from a shelf, and returned to the kitchen table. Slowly leafing through the memories, John remembered a simpler time when the kids were younger, before Maddie was sick. He looked at photos of a young Abby holding a newborn Megan, John lying in the grass with Madison and first days of school. Sadness crept through him as each forgotten moment came into focus.
Closing the album, he leaned back and poured the last of his drink down his throat. The smooth burn calmed his nerves, and he walked down the hall to Madison’s room. Knocking softly, he whispered her name. There was no answer so he slowly cracked open the door. He thought it odd that she wasn’t on her bed but then he looked closer. The blanket was disheveled. The sheets were torn from the bed. It was a moment before he realized enough to be alarmed. He pushed the door a little more and took in the room. There was no sign of her. Looking up and down the hallway, he wondered for a moment if she’d gone to the bathroom. He opened the door enough to step inside her room. His stomach dropped when he found her lying on the floor.
“Oh my God!”
His daughter’s body was limp and awkwardly pale against the beige carpet. qct
“Madison! Madison! Wake up. Wake up baby.”
He rolled her onto her back and lifted her head into his lap. Using his shirt to wipe the blood and vomit from her face he screamed for his wife.
“Abby! Abby! Come quick! Call an ambulance.”
He rocked her back and forth trying to figure out what to do. She was still breathing but her pulse was weak.
“Abby!”
Abigail ran into the room and screamed. She grabbed Maddie from her husband.
“John, what happened? What happened to her? My baby!”
“I don�
�t know. I found her lying here on the floor.”
“There’s blood everywhere. She must’ve thrown up. What the hell happened?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know. I just came in to check on her.”
Abby pleaded, “Oh my God, John. Do something!”
John ran from the room and called the ambulance. When he returned, Abby was bent over, cradling Madison in her lap.
“They’re on their way.”
“Did you hear her? Did you hear anything?”
Rubbing his hands over his face, he sat down on the floor with his wife and daughter. “No, I didn’t. I was outside doing yard work. I didn’t hear anything.”
“Well, you would have if you weren’t outside,” Abby snapped.
John lowered his eyes. The guilt he already felt deepened. He should have heard something. He’d known Abby was asleep, Megan left. He was the one who was supposed to be taking care of Madison. But he couldn’t take sitting in the house waiting for whatever was supposed to happen. He’d needed to take his mind off of it. He hadn’t thought taking an hour for himself outside would matter.
Eyes on his daughter, he began to cry. “I’m so sorry.”
Abby reached over her unconscious daughter and placed her hand on her husband’s. “No. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. None of us could have known. I was asleep on the couch, for God’s sake.”
“She’ll be okay, Abby.”
“And if she isn’t?”
“She will be.”
The sound of sirens drawing closer pierced the silence. Leaning over and kissing Maddie on the cheek, he stood and ran to meet the paramedics.
Not sure what else to do, Abby busied herself combing her fingers through Madison’s hair while John waited outside. Using her skirt, she wiped Maddie’s face. She heard the front door, voices, and hurried footsteps grow closer. The first paramedic through the door knelt beside her and carefully pulled Maddie out of her arms. He laid her down on the carpet and began to check her vital signs. Another stood off to the side with John asking questions about Madison’s condition and overall health. Questions and answers floated through the air and disappeared like bubbles.
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