Jake took the bottle and gripped it tightly.
“John and Abby wanted me to tell you that Madison is in the ICU. It wasn’t her ambulance you hit. It was a ninety year-old woman who was on her way out. Madison should recover, though she’s in very guarded condition. I didn’t know she had a brain tumor.”
Silence filled the night as Andy tried to pull some of the grief from his son. No one should feel what he was feeling. Though he saw relief blink for a moment when he told Jake about Madison, there was nothing he could do to ease the pain of losing Lily, of losing the baby.
“Come on.”
Jake’s eyes followed his father and he stood up. With his arm around his son, Andy led Jake into the building.
Danny was sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting room with Megan and Billy.
“Jake,” Megan was the first to break the silence as she stood.
Fatigue threatened to overtake him and he grabbed his father’s arm for support. Once he was seated, Andy walked over to talk to a nurse. Within a few minutes, a doctor came out into the waiting room and sat across from Jake. He nodded to Billy as he’d already had this conversation once before.
“Jake, I’m Dr. Maxwell. I’m sure you understand Lily passed away before you arrived at the hospital. Between the bleeding from the miscarriage, the head wound and the shock, her heart couldn’t take it and stopped working. The paramedic did everything he could but in the end, there was nothing he could do. I am sorry. We’ve already called her parents. Is there anything we can answer for you?”
The truth rested heavy on Jake’s shoulders, and he asked if he could see her. The doctor agreed and walked him back to the room where Lily’s body was lying. She was covered with a sheet and the doctor explained they were going to bring her body to the morgue within the hour. Jake could take his time and say whatever goodbyes he needed to. He pulled the sheet down to her neck and Jake was surprised to notice how peaceful she looked. She didn’t look dead, just sleeping. It didn’t seem right that he wouldn’t be able to stroke her hair until she woke up like he had only days before. I wasn’t fair that he wouldn’t be able to watch her eyes try to focus in those first few minutes after she woke.
The chair screeched across the floor as he pulled it up. Icy chills stung his hand as he placed it on top of hers and squeezed. She looked peaceful, but her skin was firmer than usual, not as bright. It was her but not the same. Resting his head on her stomach he closed his eyes and fell asleep.
It was an hour later when Andy walked into the room and woke his son.
“Jake, we need to go.”
“Why?”
“They need to take her.”
“Can I have five more minutes?”
“Five minutes, son. I’ll let the doctor know.”
Andy walked out of the room leaving Jake to say goodbye.
“I am so sorry this happened to you. There’s so much I want to say, I just can’t figure out the words.
“You are the best and brightest thing that ever happened to me. You showed me that I could live again without drowning in the past. I was so lost, so ordinary, and you helped me find my way. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably still be stuck living with my ghosts.”
A smile crept to his mouth and he laughed softly. “When I first met you I thought you were so pushy, always putting your foot in your mouth. God, I just wanted you to go away. And then I got to know you. I didn’t want to ever be without you. And the baby. Why didn’t you tell me? I know you wanted to be sure but you shouldn’t have had to go through all that stress by yourself. I could’ve helped, taken some of the anxiety away. You were always so open. Why did you hide this?
“I can only assume you didn’t think I’d take it well. You were probably right. But I swear to God I would’ve taken care of you and our baby. I would have moved to Atlanta, Connecticut, wherever you wanted to go. I’d have followed you anywhere. But where you are now, I can’t follow. I can only hope that you’ll watch over me and help me do what’s right. I’m gonna love you forever Lily Burns. I know I couldn’t promise you much, but I would have been all you needed to get by.”
He touched his lips to hers for a moment before straightening up. Wiping the stray tears from his face, he kissed her walked out the door.
CHAPTER 47
Jake walked out of Lily’s room and into the waiting room.
“Can I see Madison?”
Megan took him by the hand and led him to the elevator. They rode up in silence. She let him step onto the floor alone. He stood in the silence of the ICU floor not sure where to go or who to talk to. It wasn’t until he saw Abby Olsen at the end of the hall talking to a doctor that he found a direction.
He waited patiently for the doctor to finish before he spoke. “How is she, Mrs. Olsen?”
She embraced him. “Oh, Jake. I heard about Lily. I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do...”
Her voice trailed off as she looked into her daughter’s room.
“Thank you. I can’t really talk about that right now. It’s too much. I just came to check on Madison. See how she was doing.”
“She’s doing as well as can be expected. She had a small stroke and a seizure. Somehow she banged up her head, bit through her tongue, and tore out a few fingernails. Other than that, they are monitoring her. She should be fine. Most of the functionality of her one side has come back so they think none of the damage is permanent. She’s just going to have to be looked after until, well, until the tumor takes over.”
She began to weep softly, and Jake put his arms around her. Part of him was relieved Madison wasn’t in the ambulance he’d hit earlier. The other part of him, the hidden part, wondered why Lily had died and Maddie was expected to make a full, if brief, recovery. Life had never been coy with him. It had always laid out its cards and begged to be called out on a bluff.
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Olsen. We’re all here for her. Let me know of anything I can do.”
“Oh, sweetie. I can’t ask any of that from you. Just you saying it makes all the difference. I appreciate it.”
Jake gave her one last hug and started back toward the elevators.
“Lily brought you back, you know.”
Turning and looking back at her, he smiled, punched the button, and stepped onto the elevator.
Andy was the last one waiting for him.
“Let’s go home, Dad.”
“You okay?”
“Not now, I’m not. But I will be. I have to be.” New tears streamed down his face.
“For the first time, I believe you’re right. That Lily had a way of making people better, didn’t she?” Andy responded with fresh tears of his own. His son had been dealt a lousy hand in life and all he could hope for was healing.
“Yeah, Dad. She did.”
Jake knew that even though Lily was gone, she’d remain with him. He knew that because of her, a new life, an eyes-wide-open life, waited for him on the other end of grief.
CHAPTER 48
Two months later:
Jake stepped off the boat at the end of the day. Cold and wet, he made his way to the locker room. He was alone. The feeling wasn’t as uncomfortable as it once was. Gone were the days of ghosts and regret. Gone were the feelings of aimless wandering and the inability to let go of what drowned him. Lily had taught him to look for something more. Taught him to believe he was more than the sum of his past.
After showering and quickly getting dressed, he hopped into Lily’s Jeep. Billy had made sure it was given to him. Jake hadn’t asked for anything. Just the fact that Lily had been in his life was enough for him but Billy had convinced her parents to give him the Jeep and her camera. He’d taken pictures almost daily, trying to see the world, as Lily must have, through the perfection of a lens.
After a few quick stops, he pulled up to the front of the cemetery. Lily wasn’t here. Her parents had her buried in Connecticut about a week after she died. Andy and Billy drove up with him. The ceremony was beautiful and he
r parents were gracious enough to allow them to stay at their house. While there, Jake took to sitting on the floor of Lily’s room, soaking in everything that was her.
Photographs littered the walls. It was like being surrounded by everything she ever found beautiful, and he lost himself in it. It was that day her parents gave him the camera and expressed that they’d hoped he’d find the same beauty in the world that she did.
He hadn’t been back to Connecticut since her funeral and wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to go back. Saying goodbye was the most difficult thing he’d ever had to do. He didn’t want to look back and remember her in sadness. Instead, he took comfort in all the ways she’d made his life better in the short time they’d known each other. It was almost impossible for him to believe that in the span of less than three months, he found, fell in love with, and lost the most amazing person he’d ever met.
Pushing her from his mind momentarily, he stepped out of the Jeep and walked through the rows of headstones until he came to his son’s grave. Kneeling beside it, he placed a bouquet of fresh flowers against the stone. Then he looked to his left, at the freshly dug grave with a layer of not yet rooted sod carpeted on top. A beautiful wreath and dozens of roses littered the ground. The headstone had not yet been placed but Jake’s ultimate decision to allow Madison to be laid to rest next to their son was one he wouldn’t regret.
In the end, Madison’s past mistakes wouldn’t define her. It was important to her in her last few months to right the wrongs, and that included forgiveness from Jake. He remembered one night, a few weeks before she died, they had their first actual conversation of substance. They’d spent years together but he couldn’t remember one meaningful exchange until that night...
***
Madison had called earlier that day and asked Jake to come over and talk. He’d been over to see her a number of times since she was in the hospital, but she was usually asleep or so knocked out on pain killers, he’d usually just sit in the chair next to her bed and watch television or play his guitar. But that day, when she called, she was unusually coherent.
Pulling up to the Olsen’s house just after dinner, Jake walked up with his guitar strapped to his back. When Madison was awake, she enjoyed listening to him play. He barely knocked when the door flew open and Madison was standing there, freshly showered and dressed comfortably in old jeans and a sweatshirt. This was a far cry from the bed-ridden girl of the past month or so.
He fell back a few steps when she jumped out the door to hug him.
“Hey. You look great. Feeling better, I guess?”
“Yeah, I don’t know. I woke up this morning, and I wasn’t tired, my head didn’t hurt, and I’ve taken like ten showers today, by myself, just because I could!”
Her laugh was infectious and Jake smiled at her exuberance. “That’s awesome. So happy for you.”
“Come in, come in. You brought your guitar? Good.”
He walked into the house. John and Abby were sitting on the couch, watching television. Megan was cleaning up the dishes from dinner. They all had smiles on their faces.
“Hey Jake.” Megan kissed his cheek while drying a dinner plate.
John stood and shook Jake’s hand. “It’s a good day today, Jake. Glad you could make it.”
“I’m glad too Mr. Olsen. When she called earlier, she sounded so, normal I guess. Definitely different than the last time I was here.”
“Are you hungry, dear? We have some leftover meatloaf. Megan made it.”
“No thanks, Mrs. Olsen. I stopped at Billy’s and had a burger after work.”
“Well, if you get hungry, let me know and I’ll heat something up for you.”
“I will, thank you.”
“Come on, Jake. Let’s go to my room so we can talk.” He stopped short when he saw her wiggle her eyebrows. “Oh my God! Look at your face!” she said, laughing. “I’m just kidding. I promise. We’ll just talk.”
Deliberately placing one foot in front of the other, Jake made his way to the back of the house and sat in the chair next to her bed while she sat cross-legged on her comforter. He’d grown comfortable with her since the accident. He was no longer repulsed by her, and he’d all but quit asking God why he took Lily instead of Madison.
“So what’s all this about wanting to talk?”
“Well, since I have no idea how long I’ll be lucid, I figured I’d take advantage of it. There’s a lot I have to say to you, Jacob Morgan, and I need you to sit and listen. Besides, what are you gonna do? Walk out on a sick girl? I think not.” She joked like the fact she was dying completely escaped her.
Her eyes challenged him playfully, and he relaxed instantly. She was right, of course. He wasn’t going to walk out on her.
“All right. So what’s up?”
“First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for what happened to Lily.”
His eyes shifted immediately to the floor and Madison moved so she was sitting directly in front of him, taking his hands in hers.
“I know it’s hard. When I saw you two together the first time, I was out of my mind. The way you looked at her, the way you touched her—was never something you and I had. To be honest, I was so jealous. I couldn’t understand. You two had known each other only moments it seemed and she had everything I wanted. Even though I knew why it wasn’t like that with us, it would never be like that with us, I was jealous. And I was wrong. I am sorry.”
“Maddie, you don’t have to—”
She waved off his protests. “No. I do. I am so sorry for everything. For my behavior two years ago, hell ten years ago, and my behavior when I first came back. You don’t deserve that. You never did. I could tell she was special. Hell, I was enamored. And I’m the most cynical person you’ll ever meet.”
“Yes, you definitely are. But, listen, you don’t have to apologize.”
“Dad told me Lily was pregnant.”
“Yeah, she was.”
“How can so much bad happen to someone so good?” Her voice was soft, full of regret.
He shrugged. “I haven’t always been good. You know that. I could’ve been better to you. To everyone around me.”
“You weren’t like that until we started dating so I am taking responsibility for that, too.”
“You can’t take responsibility for someone else’s actions.”
“I can, too. I’m sick remember? Now shut up and let me get through this without crying.” She squeezed his hands and was surprised when he squeezed back.
She watched as Jake finally relented, leaning back in his chair, and tossing his Yankees hat on the side table.
“Go ahead.”
She brought her hands to her head and grimaced.
“Are you okay? Need me to get your parents?”
“No, no. I’m fine. Well, not fine since I have a tumor growing in my brain. But I just feel like I have so much to say. I had it all prepared and now everything’s all jumbled. Just give me a minute.”
She stood and shook out the tension as Jake watched with a new sense of familiarity. She looked the same, moved the same, but she wasn’t the same Madison who left him with a dying baby.
“Okay. Look. I look back at who I was and I cringe. I mean, who the hell did I think I was? All those drugs, cheating on you—God I was so self-absorbed. I never cared about anyone or anything unless it had some use to me. And then I got pregnant. We got married, and little Joey was born.” For a moment, she was lost in the memories.
“The first time I held him, my whole life flashed before my eyes and I came to the conclusion that no kid should grow up with a mother like me. From that moment, I planned on leaving. I didn’t know at the time he was sick. I didn’t know he wouldn’t leave the hospital. But that’s why I never came to see him. I had already left. I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him or love you because I did. I swear to God, Jake, I loved the two of you like I’d never be able to love anything again. I left because I was ashamed that he’d grow up and figure out what a te
rrible person I was. And you were good. He needed to know you.”
Finally Jake was given the reason for her departure. It didn’t make it hurt any less but at least he knew. He’d never have to question himself again.
“We could have talked about it.”
“Think about it. Do you honestly think that was something we could’ve talked about? Can you honestly tell me you can’t see the logic in my thinking?”
“But he was your baby. He was sick. I can’t see the logic in that.”
“I know it’s hard but I need you to try.”
Jake’s silent stare was the only response he gave.
“Dad took me to Joey’s grave this morning. I’d never been there before. The headstone is beautiful. You picked a great location; right on the end, before the drop to the meadow. It’s like he can see everything from where he is.”
“Thank you.”
“I need to ask you something. I will understand if you say no. But if I don’t ask, I know I’ll regret it.”
“What is it?”
“I wanted to know if you’d be okay with me being buried next to him.”
Color receded from his face as he was presented with a question he’d never thought would be asked.
“You don’t have to answer now. Just tell me you’ll think about it.”
“I don’t have to think about it.”
“Please Jake, just listen. I know I don’t—”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“I think it would be perfect for you to be buried beside Joey. I think he’d like it.” As the words came, he knew he was doing the right thing.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Oh my God, Jake. You have no idea how much this means to me. I know I don’t deserve it.”
“You’re his mother. Regardless of anything that happened in the past, the fact remains that you’re his mother and always will be.”
He caught her mid-air as she leapt into his arms and kissed him on the cheek. In that moment, all the pain of the past washed away and they truly began the friendship they’d never had.
***
Three Days of Rain Page 22