by Emma Taylor
“Perfectly normal.” Eleanor would say impartially. She was neither for nor against. A very non-descript character. She just seemed to blend into things. Into her beige room with brown couches. Her skin was a biscuit colour, but not the freshly baked colour, more out of date, from the box and stale colour. Pallid. Her hair and her clothes all seemed from the same colour pot. There was no vibrancy, no vigour. The most outstanding feature she possessed was a black mole on her left cheek. It was down low, close to her mouth. Close enough that sometimes I wished it would turn into the fly I first thought it was and buzz into her mouth, just so I could hear her scream or spit. Anything but the nonchalant, monotone response she let dribble from her mouth every session. Only once did she show a heightened response to me and my minds worth. That was when I relayed the nightmares, the messages from Haylie. But by then, I did not trust her enough to continue with the sessions. That all feels like a lifetime ago now. Now that I’m here in cold Tasmania. And it was getting colder. The afternoon sun was disappearing fast and taking with it all traces of warmth and familiarity.
I found mum casually looking at a shoe shop in the mall. I could tell by her stance that she was debating whether to enter or not. A pair of shoes grabbing her attention, but were they exactly what she was looking for? No, shaking her head slightly, she turned as I skipped up to her.
“All done? You’re hair looks fantastic, by the way.”
“Thank you darling. I think I am all shopped out for the day. Have you got yourself everything that was on your list?” She asked, taking some of the bags from my arm. “Yeah, I think so. It was actually pretty easy finding what I wanted…and some.” I smiled.
“Well, that’s excellent. Do you mind driving home?” Mum asked searching her handbag for the car keys. “I had a couple of glasses of wine at the hair salon.”
Our return journey to home was much slower than on the way down to Hobart. Was it because I was behind the driver’s seat and had to concentrate harder? Or was it because I was in such a hurry to get back to our place? I knew they would be gone when we arrived home, but part of me still hoped. The little hope I had quickly faded as we turned the corner to our driveway. The white painter’s van was not parked where it had been this morning when we had left for our girl’s day out. I think I let out the faintest of sighs because mum touched my shoulder and gently smiled.
“They’ll be back tomorrow.”
* * *
Sometimes I don’t want to wake in the morning. It’s easier just to stay with Haylie, even if I don’t like what’s in the dream. This was one of those mornings. In this dream I’m running and falling, desperate to get somewhere. Somewhere. I don’t know where. I can’t hear anything, but I sense that I’m being followed. I’m not just running from that, but I am frantic that I won’t get to my destination in time. I can feel the footsteps encroaching upon me. The earth beneath my feet is vibrating. The thuds from the soles are strong. My legs won’t work any faster. It’s like there is cement attached to my thighs. I do arrive at my destination, but it’s too late. It’s always too late. Haylie simply falls back from the ledge. She’s facing me. Her back is straight. She looks almost graceful, like she’s preparing for a ten out of ten dive routine. Except, there is no diving board, just an unsteady rock ledge that plummets dangerously down to rocks below. I ease forward with trepidation. The longer I don’t look, I can pretend she is still with me. But if I wait too long, what if she survived the fall and needs my help to rescue her? I peer over the edge and am faced with the most gruesome sight imaginable. I’m screaming and I can feel hands wrapped around my shoulders, shaking me, pushing me, pulling me.
“Jayde!” Now I know I’m awake. My dreams are silent. This is too piercing. “Jayde! Snap out of it!” She screamed again. It was morning and I was wet from my perspiration and tears. My throat was hoarse from screaming. And my arms were sore from being shaken and pushed and pulled. “Enough of this, Jayde.”
“Mum?”
“No. We can’t continue like this. I don’t want you medicated, but it has to stop.”
“It will Mum!” I yelled.
“I have no other option, Jayde. I’m ringing Dr. Carver today and getting a referral. Jayde you have to admit that you can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair on anybody. You can control it better with the medication. You know this Jayde. Why do you fight it?” She asked through sobs. My mum is right. God I hate it when she’s right. I really don’t want to go back on meds, but right now, I don’t think I have a choice. Not because my parents are pretty much insisting on it, after all, I am 19, I am responsible for my own actions. I just don’t want to be like this anymore. It isn’t normal and God knows I need normal. I feel so torn at the moment. I shouldn’t be here, in Tasmania. I should be moving into the share house my girlfriends are in on the Gold Coast. I should be setting up my exhibitions at the art convention centre. I hate to admit that perhaps my parents are right. But that decision should be mine to make. Perhaps I’m saying no to them because they’re telling me what to do. It needs to be my choice. My choice. I have to be able to make that decision, not them. My body. My life. God damn it, it’s my choice. I threw back my bed sheets and looked out the window. Great. Overcast and raining. I couldn’t face breakfast or perhaps I was trying to avoid the inevitable mother and father intervention. I really didn’t have the energy for or feel like a real life run. My night-time reveries were enough to cause fatigue. They were getting increasingly more vivid and tumultuous and right now, I felt exhausted. My eyes scanned the room for an answer and it didn’t take long for them to settle on my camera.
“Dark room.” A light went off. Yep, that would surely keep the anti Jayde campaigners at bay. There was an old laundry/bathroom in the back corner of the yard. It was covered in ivy and God only knows what lurks inside, but it would be perfect for my processing room. It was being used as a garden shed, but considering everyone in my family had a brown thumb and pretty much killed all plants just by looking at them, well, I think a money making use for the foliage cloaked lodging would be perfect. I armed myself with gloves, sponges, a broom, cleaning chemicals and more gloves! There was an instant pungent smell upon opening the door. That and spider webs. Spiders. A cold shiver ran over me.
“No time for phobia’s, Jayde,” I coached myself. I breathed in enough air for courage, but not too much because of the mouldy odour and began to clean.
I must have been scrubbing for at least two hours when I spotted my greatest fear. Dark and moody, looking straight at me, anger in his eyes. His eight spindly legs twitching in a showdown. I began to slink away, hoping my silent retreat would be seen as a peace offering. To no avail. I tripped backwards on the broom handle. The spider makes quick, darting movements in a few different directions.
“Aaahh!!” I shrieked.
I felt two, warm, strong, sweet smelling arms scoop me under my armpits just before my tailbone collided with the cobblestone flooring. “Just in the nick of time.” Reed said.
“Wow, that could’ve been highly embarrassing.”
“What do you mean, could’ve been?” He teased.
I cringed. Looking at Reed, he really was perfect. His dark hair and eyes and his beautiful skin. And his body. Oh. I started to flush when I realised I was looking his gorgeous form up and down. Was I biting my lip? Oh, dear God! Darker shade of red.
“You really should be careful where you leave things lying.”
There was no way he was oblivious to my scarlet glowing face. I could feel my face burning under his imposing beauty. He must just be charming after all.
“It wasn’t the broom, really. There, in there. I had a close encounter. I think I must have disturbed his hunting ground cos’ he was pissed. Crazy mad.” I hopped away from the entrance.
“Oh no.” Reed groaned.
“Aah! What! Where!” I almost jumped into his arms. He began shaking his head.
“This relationship is doomed, Jayde. I had you picked for a spider killer for su
re. You see, who’s going to slay the spiders in our relationship? It is obvious that you are scared shitless of them and anyone that knows me, knows that I am super massively scared shitless of them.”
He said relationship twice. Does that mean we’re in a relationship?
“Are we in a relationship?” I blurted. Oh my. What has gotten into me? Mental note: STOP SAYING YOUR THOUGHTS OUTLOUD! He looked at me, curiosity all over his face.
“So I have today off.” He began, completely ignoring my question. Not sure if that was a relief or annoying. I wonder if he could just forget I said it?
“And I was wondering if you would like to do something?”
“Oh, ah. Well, I was cleaning this out for a dark room. I have some snaps that I would really like to process.”
Reed poked his head inside my spider cave. “I’ll do you a deal. You spend the day with me and I will help you out with the dark room.”
My eyes wandered off to my future dark room and back to Reed. I did hesitate. Why am I hesitating? Why shouldn’t I give Reed a chance? Did I really need a complication in my life right now? And that’s what it will be, a complication. I looked up at him, waiting for my answer. My heart skipped a beat. He was truly stunning. Complication or distraction? Maybe that’s exactly what I need. Hmmm, a distraction. A good distraction at that.
“I really should…” I trailed off looking up at the house. Mum was standing at the kitchen sink, phone pressed to her ear. Dr. Carver!
“You know what?” I returned my focus to the gorgeous man in front of me. “Why the hell not. Is the rain going to be an issue?”
I didn’t even go back to the house to change. Reed assured me that his plans for the day didn’t require me to dress up. That was fine with me. I couldn’t face my parents this morning, anyway.
“No, this shower won’t stick around. I thought we might do a walk.” He stated. “Oh, that sounds good. A nice walk. Don’t have much energy for anything more. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Hmm. A nice walk.” He mused. “You will want your camera.”
* * *
“A nice walk!” I yelled for the tenth time this morning.
“A nice walk.” He repeated.
“Reed, this is not a walk. This is a hike. A bush hike. Up hill. All up hill.” I groaned.
He laughed at me. “Well, think how easy it will be on the way down. Besides, we are almost there, I promise. Plus, it’s worth it. You’ll see.”
My temper subsided as we reached the top. He was right. It was worth it. It was worth it a million times over. We were above the small, sporadic cloud cover and it was as clear as crystal. The sky was the perfect blue you see on holiday brochures. But that wasn’t what was taking my breath away. The panorama was amazing. I felt literally like I was on top of the world, looking down over the tree tops, over the streets and house roofs. Over the infinite ocean. I was floating.
“Magic isn’t it?” Reed came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt so protected in his arms. I loved feeling his toned body against mine. It was warm and had a slight manly odour that made my knees weak.
“It’s, it’s like heaven.” I said. This moment was the most beautiful, natural and honest moment I’ve had since Haylie died. I would sketch this into my mind forever. The view made me feel emotional and empowered and with Reed’s arms around me, I felt safe and important.
“Thank you for bringing me here.”
Reed threw his back pack on the back seat of his beloved and trustworthy truck after we had finally descended the mountain.
“Quick pit stop at my house, then I promise I’ll take you home.”
I smiled at him. His brown eyes glinted as he returned the smile. “Do you want to have dinner at my place? I made lasagne last night. It’s a new recipe.”
“Oh!” I chuckled.
“You need a guinea pig?”
He smiled wide. “No Jayde. I’m actually a really good cook. I was merely stating.” Of course he’s a good cook.
“Oh, in that case. I would love to try it. I’m starving. That hike has really increased my appetite.”
We drove past Spring Beach and straight past my turn off. We headed out to an area that looked quite remote. I couldn’t remember the last house I saw. I began to think Reed lived in the middle of nowhere. The bitumen had ended quite some time ago. Being on the dusty rubble, I was pleased we were in Reed’s reliable transportation. The surrounds was dense with native trees, all swaying gently in the strong breeze. These tall, firmly rooted original habitants only slightly put out by the forces of Mother Nature. It was so secluded and untouched. As he rounded the truck into the culvert, it all changed. Glistening in front of me was a magnificent gate. Black, sleek and shiny. Reed pressed a button on the remote control he retrieved from the glove box. The electric gate parted slowly in the middle, making its way to its new resting position. We didn’t speak as we drove down the blue stone laid driveway. Driveway? If you could call it a driveway. It was more like the grand entrance to Parliament house. There were perfectly manicured trees lining the way, with miniature old fashioned English street lights spaced evenly in between. I’m not quite sure if Reed didn’t talk because he was apathetic to the splendor of it all, or if he knew I wouldn’t have been able to contribute to a conversation at this point in time. I was completely lost for words. A beautiful sand stone structure completed the drive. It was an intricate work, one I would’ve studied for a lot longer had my eyes not been fixed on the establishment in front of me. I think my mouth was open. No words came out, but I’m pretty sure I let out some illegible grunts. I screwed my nose up when I realised Reed had probably heard me, but he chose to ignore me.
“Madam.” He gestured from the front door. At least I think it was the front door. It was huge. I’m sure the tallest man in the world would still find clearance of a metre. Wow. Entering into the house, I had never seen such extravagance. I had never seen anything like this. White marble floors. Plush grey and orange floor rugs. There was glass everywhere, but it felt remarkably warm.
“U..a..” I opened my mouth, more grunts escaped. This time, Reed did notice.
“It’s just a house, Jayde.” He stated.
“W,w,what? A house? Just a house? Reed, this is not just a house. This is not even a house. This is a mansion. I live in a house. You live in a mansion.” I rambled.
“Well, actually, Jayde, you live in a cottage…” He trailed off, smirking.
“I can’t believe you live here. Who else lives here? The entire Tasmanian cricket team?”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me along. “Kitchen’s this way.”
I watched as he made his way around the kitchen. He seemed to glide. From the fridge to retrieve the lasange, over to the oven to reheat it. He moved swiftly as he chopped, diced and sliced fresh ingredients for the salad. Who is this guy?
“You’re cooking dinner?” I asked.
“Yeah, who did you expect?”
“Well, with all this extravagance, I expected a chef or a live in cook, I guess.”
“Really? I may be surrounded by extravagance, but that’s not who I am, Jayde. Remember, I’m the guy who has a beaten up old ute.” He smiled.
Conversation ran smoothly throughout dinner. We talked about the hike mostly. I don’t like being in the wilderness, but I appreciate its beauty immensely. It’s quite a sad combination really. Maybe if I could just learn to overcome my fears.
I placed my fork down and slowly chewed my last piece of lasagne, savouring the delicious taste.
“Oh, I didn’t realise I was that hungry.” I said after I had devoured two serves.
“I’m guessing it must’ve been the good food. Not to mention the great company.”
“Yes Reed, that was delicious. Best keep to the new recipe, hey?”
He laughed, whilst topping up my wine glass.
“Nice wine, too.” I noted, picking up the bottle to examine the label. Kelvedon.
“Yea
h, it’s a little winery just out of Swansea. You would have passed it on your way down from Devonport. There’s an awesome beach just opposite.”
“Sounds like a nice day. A day at the beach, then onto the winery. You can’t really go wrong there, can you?”
“It’s a date.” He said quickly.
“A date? Are we dating Reed?”
“I’d like to spend more time with you, Jayde. I’d love to take you somewhere special. Make you feel special.” His words made me melt.
“Well this is pretty special. Here.”
He nodded. “This is special. This is my home. So why here? Why Orford?” He asked as we moved over to the white suede couch, with red wine. The fireplace was humming gently with the dancing flames.
“I’m not really sure.” I lied.
“I do know that my mum googled ‘Best places to live in Australia’ and this was one of them.”
“Yeah? Cool. But why the move? It wasn’t for work or anything?”
“No. My dad works all over Australia. He works for BHP Billiton, so he can basically live anywhere. He flies in, flies out. He’s met a lot of people over the years. My dad loves listening to other people’s stories about life, places they’ve been. Orford has come up on more than one occasion.”
“I can believe that. As much as you probably don’t agree, my home town is an absolute hot spot come summer. People travel from all over the state to come here. It’s a beautiful place, Jayde.” He was so passionate about Orford. His eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm.
“Absolutely, I know that. I do. It’s just not what I’m used to, that’s all.”
“Don’t fear the unknown. Embrace it.”