by Emma Taylor
“Jayde!”
Dazed and confused, I blinked furiously.
“Jayde. My God.” His arms wrapped around me. His heart was beating like a jack hammer. Reed held me so tight, I thought his heart had pounded straight through me.
“What the fuck?” He was petrified. I gasped for air. He held me tighter.
“I have these dreams. These nightmares.”
“Nightmares? Jayde you were virtually catatonic. You were saying stuff. Over and over. Are you ok? What is going on?”
“What stuff? What stuff, Reed?”
“You just kept repeating it over and over again.”
“What was I saying Reed?” I demanded. I never said things in my nightmares. Screaming, yelling sure, but mum and dad never made sense of anything.
“You kept saying, Look. Listen. Trust. Hope. Look. Listen. Trust. Hope.”
I couldn’t tell if he was frightened for me or if he was frightened of me.
“Babe, please let me help you.”
“It just doesn’t make any sense, Reed. I’m trying. I’m really trying to make sense out of all of this.” I sobbed.
“Perhaps that’s the problem,” he stroked the side of my face. “Stop trying so hard and things might just figure themselves out.”
I gazed up at him. “They sound like words of wisdom?”
“Just speaking from experience.”
* * *
The medication was sitting on my bedside table. It wasn’t there when I returned home from Reed’s place. Either Mum or Dad placed it there in the early hours of the morning. I stared at it for a long time. I knew it was my only answer to end this madness, this craziness that I was going through. My parents are far from perfect, although my mother might say otherwise, so my erratic behaviour around them was not too left of field, but Reed, well I hated the fact that he saw me in my after dark hypnosis. I curled in on myself at the thought of his terrified face. I was the cause of that alarm for him. It was such a tiny little pill. White, small, yet it held so many hopes and expectations. I placed it on the tip of my tongue. Reaching for the tall glass of room temperature water that had been sitting next to the drug, I gulped it into my mouth and let it flush the remedy down my throat. Was it a remedy? I know mum hoped it would be. Dad certainly did. Reed was following the line of sanguinity and I admit, I think now I was too.
“Morning.”
Mum appeared at my bedroom door.
“I took the tablet Mum.”
“Sure honey. I’m not checking up on you. Your dad and I are going to spend the day at the Salamanca markets. Did you have any plans? You can join us if you’d like.” Mum fiddled with her hair. She flattened it, she tucked it behind her ears, flattened it again. Her gaze averted mine. She was looking beyond me. The bedside table? Yes the tablet was gone. Yes I took it.
“I took the tablet Mum.” I repeated.
“I know how hard that must have been for you…”
“It was, but it wasn’t.” I thought of Reed. “I’m open to the possibility that it might help me.” Mum smiled at me. “We’re leaving in half hour, but we can wait if you want to come.”
“Thanks, but I think I might see what Grace is up to.” I lied. I really wanted to see Reed. Half hour was too long.
“What about Reed? Have you gone off him?” Gone off Reed? I can’t wait to see him again. It was awkward for us last night. I needed to see him again. I needed reassurance from him that we were ok, that I hadn’t freaked him out too much. Too much that he didn’t want to see me again.
“Just playing it cool, Mum.” She smiled at me. Perfectly painted lips in a shimmer pink. She was attractive, in a unique way. A structured way. All the pieces put together. I felt like a train wreck next to her sometimes. We had a lot of similar characteristics, but I just didn’t seem to have the same finesse as her. I did envy her poise, her outward confidence that she radiated, all the while though, she seemed to display an inner nervousness or restlessness perhaps that just never seemed to fit with her facade. I never did completely understand my mother. It was an hour and ten minutes before my parents drove down our cobble stone drive. One hour and ten minutes before I could allow my mind to replay last night. One hour and ten minutes before I called Reed.
“Hello…?”
“Reed..?”
“Jayde? Is that you?”
“Hey, yeah, it’s me…”
“Baby girl… you ok? I wanted to call you. I was so hoping you would call me.”
“Really? I, I thought for sure you would think I’m a freak, that you wouldn’t want to see me again. I was so worried-”
“I was so worried about you Jayde. I didn’t sleep a wink last night.” And there was silence.
“Jayde?”
“I’m still here.” I thought for a moment. “Can I see you, Reed?”
“I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”
It only took him ten minutes to arrive to my quaint abode. I am sure it took a lot longer to arrive to his house at other times. ‘Emergency.’ He stated when he did push open the rusty gate. Great, now I was not only the freak case, but I was also the mentally insane. That all washed away with one giant embrace. His arms encircled my being. I melted into his security. He didn’t dis-own me, he wasn’t going to turn his back on me. He was 100% concerned about me.
“Jayde…” He began.
“Look Reed…”
He cut me off. “Jayde, stop. I don’t know what you’re going to say, but I can certainly fathom a guess and that’s why I have stopped you. Last night meant the world to me. You, mean the world to me. I know that you are going through some crazy shit at the moment, but with every good bloody reason. I am not about to turn my back on the best thing that has happened in my life other that my father. Don’t think for a moment Jayde that I won’t stand by you. I’m in this, Jayde. I’m here for you.” He cupped my hands in his.
“I took the meds, Reed.” I spoke softly.
“I know how hard that must have been for you, but maybe it’s just what you need right now. Don’t try to over analyse things. Give yourself permission to just be. You know, just go through the motions. Things will work themselves out, Jayde. They always do, even if we can’t see any rhyme or reason at the time.”
I knew he was right. However, I just couldn’t seem to shake this fear of the unknown. Something was holding me back. Or holding Haylie back.
“How come you’re so smart?”
“I don’t have all the answers, Jayde. Trust me, when my dad died, I threw myself into alcohol. I was a menace. But that’s what I needed to do at the time. Probably burnt a few bridges doing so…”
Grace.
“Look, deep down, I don’t think this is the answer, but I am willing to try. I have to try. I owe it to my parents and I owe it to you.”
“No, you owe yourself a chance to be happy. Don’t do this for me or for your parents. This has to be your decision.”
“I appreciate what you’re saying, Reed, but Haylie took that decision away from me the day she committed suicide. As if it wasn’t hard enough dealing with that, now I feel like I’m losing my mind. You know, sometimes I can still feel her.” I looked up at Reed, looking at him now was like looking at a double sided mirror. Nothing projecting but pain.
“Sometimes, I think I can still hear her heart beating. Next to mine, in rhythm with mine. Aaah! I need a break from thinking.” I injected my last spurt of energy. Defeated, throwing my hands in the air. He reached for them. Picking them up in his and drawing them up to his face, he closed his eyes and caressed the back of my hands with his lips. Left to right and back again.
“Time is the only thing that can lessen the pain. Believe me, it never goes away. But it does get a little easier.”
“You are so calm about it all. I feel so alone at times, but then other times, I feel totally suffocated.”
“That is the process of grief. Disbelief, confusion, anger. It’s all there. Just don’t analyse yourself too much, Jayde. It is wh
at it is. Sometimes you just have to ride it out. You know?” He questioned, not really waiting for a reply. “Hey, I was thinking about going away for the weekend. In a couple of weeks. If you’re up for it? It might help take your mind off things for a while. You want to cancel any plans so we can spend some time alone?”
“I’m the new girl remember? If I had any plans, I think you would more than likely already be involved.” I smiled.
“I am involved, Jayde. More than you realise.” He leaned into me and kissed my forehead. It was a soft, lingering kiss that stayed with me long after his lips had moved down to my cheek. There was comfort in his warmth. Reed’s full lips made their way to mine, gently parting them to make way for our urgent need. Five minutes ago I had been at my most vulnerable, most insecure and scared, yet now I was feeling the extreme opposite. Reed lifted me up to dizzy heights. I felt like I was floating when he encompassed me. I couldn’t make out whether it was the world spinning around us or if we were spinning around in our own world together. The kitchen bench was the perfect height for Reed. He lifted me up as my legs wrapped around his muscular lower back. My arms clung tightly as we rocked back and forth. I can’t believe we were having sex on my family kitchen bench. This is where we chop our vegetables! But right now, this is where I’m having the most exciting sex of my life. He grabbed me from underneath my bottom with his forearms, drawing me in harder to him, almost forcibly, but with such sensuality, I felt like bursting with desire. Each thrust and pull drove me higher up onto him. Reed groaned and his body shivered with ecstasy, tiny beads of sweat had formed on his forehead and shimmered in the light. He looked at me with his warm brown eyes. They looked both relaxed and alive. He was truly stunning.
“You’re so beautiful, Jayde.” He whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I simply held him. I wanted to freeze this moment and store it in my mind forever. His words, his warmth, the smell, the feeling. The passion was intense, I think highlighted by my emotional sensitivity. It was by far the best sex I have ever had.
It was 5 o’clock before my parents silver Toyota sedan rolled into our cobble stone driveway. Dark was encroaching quickly on our little cottage, hidden behind the natural foliage of evergreens. Hues of orange, yellow and reds scattered the ground, letting me know that autumn was well and truly in effect. The empty, sad looking twigs that remained attached to the once full and bountiful trees, were also a sure sign that Winter was about to take over. I shuddered at the thought. How on earth will I survive? I’m already freezing!
“So glad you kept the fire going honey. What a day! It was lovely down there.” Dad said.
“You really should have come.” He added.
“It’s just such a long drive though, Thom, don’t you agree?”
“Not when you have great company.” Oh! Gross, why do parents think that it’s acceptable to talk like that in front of their kids?
“Thom.” Mum motioned toward me.
“Don’t worry, Mum. Just glad you had a nice day.”
“What about you sweetie? Did you have a nice day?”
“Yup.” I nodded.
“Caught up with Grace?” Mum continued.
“Jayde, don’t tell me you lifted all these logs by yourself? Honey you’ll break your back. Don’t think I can even lift them into the fire.” Dad rambled from the lounge room.
Mum looked at me and cocked one eyebrow.
“So how is Grace doing anyway?” Sprung!
“Well, actually we didn’t catch up…”
“Huh? What’s happening?” Dad said entering the kitchen.
“Jayde was just telling me how her day went. What did you get up to honey?” My blood began to boil.
“Well, actually, Reed came over. I hope you don’t mind, but he was really interested in seeing some of my other work, in particular my photography.” I said only to my father.
“Yes, he did mention that the other day. Bit of an eye for talent.” Dad mused. “Indeed.” Mum quipped.
“Talent! My God, do you know who his father was?” I asked, now directing myself to mum, knowing full well that I had deflected any spite she may have been trying to tarnish me with. With a wry smile, I turned on my heels and faced dad, who was and always will be my greatest supporter and also an avid lover of the arts himself. He was eager to hear my reply.
“Rosco Aldino!” I said matter-of-fact.
“No. Really?”
“Really. Well, actually that’s not his real name. That’s Alan Harper. But Rosco Aldino was his professional name, derived from family names, Al for Alan, dino for his youngest brother, Dean and Rosco for Ross. Pretty simple, but I never would’ve known. I mean I didn’t know and I studied him forever.” I gushed.
“Wow, honey. That’s amazing. Who would’ve thought that coming all this way you would come across your greatest influence? Isn’t it funny how things work out?” Dad said as he led me into ‘our display room’.
“Tell me more. Does Reed have any unseen or unfinished works of his father’s?”
And so the night went. My mother’s plan to paint me as a naughty teenage daughter went straight out the window (for now anyway). She started preparing dinner in the kitchen while dad and I bonded over our love of skilled craftsmanship. I giggled to myself as I curled my knees up and watched the fire burn, taking sneaky looks towards the kitchen island bench.
* * *
The morning felt warmer than usual. And brighter. And for that fact, perhaps a little noisier. Not that country living is noisy, it just seemed to have more bustle and movement than previous days. I reached for my phone to check the time but all I came up with was one little white pill and one glass of room temperature water. It was when I threw my head back to take my dose of sanity that I realised that I had slept through the night. My throat was not sore from screaming, my hair was not matted. My pillow had no residue stains from tears and even my bed sheets still looked tucked in. I was still tucked into my bed like a bug in a rug, as mum used to say. Although I preferred it went she used the phrase ‘two peas in a pod’
“I still love you Hay.” I whispered.
“Morning sleepyhead.” I was greeted by Grace.
“What are you doing in my house?” I asked bewildered.
“Your mum called me. Actually she called Reed too.”
And sure enough, out in my back yard, standing at the BBQ with my dad was Reed. And Lucas. And I could also see Megs and Andrea sitting at the old wooden bench table that the previous owners had left behind. It was clearly too heavy to remove from its resting place and I’m glad too because it looked like the original masterpiece, that the rest of the whole house had been designed on.
“I’ve just finished the salad. You coming out? Think the boys have already started the barbie.” Grace smiled.
“Ah, yeah.” I managed to say, still half asleep. What time was it anyway?
“Hi babe.” Reed rushed up to me when he saw me step out into the day.
“You had a good sleep?”
“Reed, I didn’t dream.” I said excitedly.
“I know. Louise told me. She’s really proud of you.”
“Louise? You call her Louise?” I asked.
“Sure.”
“Sweetheart,” mum said wrapping her arm around my shoulders.
“Didn’t think to brush your hair? Oh, never mind now. Thought we would have a little party. Your friends are all lovely.”
“You didn’t think to wake me a little earlier?” I said with a hint of sarcasm.
“And disturb your first real night sleep? Of course not, honey.” Mum laughed me off. Then why the hell organise a damn party while I’m asleep!?
“Jayde, you needed that rest. Your mum was only trying to surprise you.” Reed said. I frowned like a toddler who had their toy taken from them.
“Surprise, Miss Queensland!” Lucas jumped in front of me. I couldn’t help but laugh at his goofiness.
“Hi Lucas.” I smiled.
“Off your feet
. C’mon, come down here and chill me with me.” He said, looping his arm through mine.
“Lucas, I’m fine.” What has she told them? It was too late to protest. He was already dragging me down to the table bench. I looked back to find Reed’s face to motion for help but he was disappearing through the back door with mum.
“Hi Megs.” I smiled. I glanced in Andrea’s direction. I wished it had been Rachel over her. We just didn’t click. Maybe I could use today to try and change that though. I decided to give her a second chance.
“Hi Andrea. It’s nice to see you again.” I offered.
“What’s up?” She said, not even looking at me. She held up an empty glass. “Your mum has good taste in wine. Grab me another can you?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“This one’s empty.”
“Get up off your fat arse Andrea.” Lucas scolded.
“Well, it’s her party, she’s meant to be the host and she’s been snoozing all morning. I’m thirsty and I’m hungry.”
I looked at Lucas. “What is the time?”
“It’s one o’clock.” One o’clock? In the afternoon?
“Yes sleeping beauty. One o’clock. That’s why your stomach is grumbling.” Andrea rolled her eyes. “Drink?” She held up her glass again. “Ah, yeah, sure.” I mumbled. I began the walk back to the house. I wonder if everyone else thought I was as vague as I felt right now. This is just the beginning, though, I know it. It’s a different medication this time, but it is having the same effect. Disoriented, lax, slightly confused. All the reasons I didn’t want to be medicated. All the reasons I probably should be medicated.
I heard laughing coming from the stairs before I had even entered the house. Reed and my mother were sitting and giggling, stopping abruptly when I came into view.
“Hi.” Reed jumped up to greet me. My mother patted down her beige suede skirt and began to fiddle with its hem.