On the Hooves of Horses

by Emma Taylor

  “Think back. What was the first sign?”

  “When she jumped off the damn cliff!” I yelled.

  “Come on. There has to be more. Brendan was pretty much down most of his life. Our hindsight moment was the week leading up to his death. He was the happiest I could ever recall him being. We found out after that it was common with suicide victims. Once they make up their minds and commit to the act, to actually do it, they finally find their peace. You didn’t notice that with Haylie?”

  “No Lucas. My sister wasn’t depressed. She had broken up with her boyfriend, Seb, about three weeks before, but that was so commonplace for them. They were on/off their entire relationship. It was not out of the ordinary for her. I know that they had been talking again and it looked like they were going to get back together. They were meant for each other.”

  “Well was there a suicide note?”

  “Haylie left a note saying that she was leaving with Seb. But it was short with no explanation. I would hardly say it was a suicide note.”

  “Could he give you some answers? Perhaps she confided in him?”

  “No,” I said quietly. “He’s dead, too. Apparently it was a suicide pact. That’s what the police put it down to. But, you see, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense either. Seb had just accepted a job placement at Taronga Park Zoo. He still had 2 years left to finish his uni degree, but it was a work study program that he got accepted into. Someone with a bright, promising future doesn’t kill themselves.” I said bitterly.

  “No, they don’t actively source out aspirations to fulfill their hopes and dreams. They don’t usually have any hopes or dreams,” he paused.

  “What about a police report? They would’ve had enough evidence that led them to conclude suicide.”

  “Look, again, it pretty much came down to the note Haylie left. My mum found it, warned my dad and they both ran to the cliff to try and stop them…my dad wrestled with Sebastian, tried to pull him back, but apparently Haylie lunged forward to Seb and they…well, you know the rest.”

  “Wow…that’s harsh. What about witnesses?”

  “Yeah, there were some joggers on the beach that backed up the whole story. Even saw mum and dad arguing with Seb and Haylie.”

  “But you still don’t accept it as suicide?”

  “Oh I don’t know Lucas. I thought I knew my sister better than that. It’s just fucked up.” I sighed.

  “Do you want to take medication? Apart from the nightmares, how are you?”

  “Fine, I guess. Normal, under the circumstances. It’s just the nightmares are hard for my parents and they are wearing a bit thin with me, too.”

  “Can you control it Jayde?”

  “You know, I think I can. I think I’ve figured it out, Lucas. Between you and me, I will stop taking them-slowly of course. But, you are right. I am not depressed, it’s more like repressed. The pills are only hiding Haylie’s love for me. I get it. I finally get it.”

  * * *

  Mum was sitting in the kitchen, facing out into the back yard, when I returned home. It was one thing to be confident telling Lucas what I had at the beach, but telling her was going to be another story. “Hey, Mum.” I said quietly.

  “Jayde, sweetheart,” her voice was hoarse. She tipped her drink up to her bare lips, lipstick smeared on all sides of the glass. “Nice day?”

  “Sort of. How about you?” I asked with caution. She looked at me, eyes rimmed with sadness.

  “I’m just having one of those days.” She said.

  “Mum, why did we come here? Why didn’t you want to stay around your friends? Especially Katrina. She lost her child, too.”

  “I don’t expect you to understand, Jayde. You’re still a child yourself.” She poured herself another glass of wine, emptying the bottle.

  “Would you stop saying that? Yes I’m your child, but I’m a woman now. Stop treating me like I can’t handle things. Haylie’s death has made me change. I have a lot more wisdom than I did before she died. Besides, with all your age and wisdom, do you understand what happened any more than I do? Why did she kill herself, Mum? Tell me why, because I’ll be damned if I know. There was no suicide note. She wasn’t depressed, Mum.”

  “There was a note, Jayde. You know that.”

  “A note saying that she was leaving with Seb, yeah, I get that, but that wasn’t a suicide note. It just doesn’t add up.”

  “It was a suicide note. Will you just drop it! It was her and Seb’s infatuation with each other. Their tumultuous relationship as you stated once before. I guess it was all in the heat of the moment.” She trailed, looking glassy eyed.

  “Well, you and dad were the only other ones there, so I guess I’ll never really know.”

  “No, Jayde. I guess you never will.” She said sternly.

  * * *

  I woke to the sounds of rustling leaves and shaking windows. The winds have arrived. They bustled around frantically outside, collecting light objects and tossing them aside at each twist and turn. I had hoped when I went to sleep last night that I would wake to a new beginning, awaken the new me inside. Apart from the mini tornado that was threatening outside my little home, there seemed to be just as much carnage happening inside my home. I tentively descended down stairs. Reaching the fifth step, I stopped in my tracks. Mum came swinging around the corner.

  “JAYDE!! JAY-Oh, shit!” She said, swallowing her breath.

  “Mum, what’s all the commotion?”

  “You.” She spat at me.

  “What?”

  “My God it scares me how much you’re becoming like her.”

  “Haylie?” I said softly.

  “You have to stop, Jayde. While you live under my roof, you have to do as I say.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The pills Jayde. You have stopped taking the pills!” She screamed. I looked at her incredulously. “Ah, no, but I did want to talk to you about that.”

  “Don’t you lie to me!” She jumped for me, sending me back into a sitting position on the step.

  “What the hell?” I retaliated. “Maybe if you weren’t drinking so much these days you would have been available for me to talk to you.”

  “Me? Don’t turn this back on me. I heard you Jayde, I’m surprised the whole of Orford didn’t hear you. I couldn’t for the life of me snap you out of it.”

  “What? What are you talking about?” My mind was racing.

  “The dreams, Jayde. The dreams are back.” She hissed.

  “No. No. They can’t be. I can’t remember dreaming…”

  “Why did you stop?” She accused me again. “Why did you stop taking them?”

  “Mum, I haven’t. Really, I want to and I was going to, but I really haven’t stopped taking them. Are you sure I was dreaming?”

  “Oh, Jayde, come on. You were screaming, saying all sorts of things in your—”

  “Screaming things? What was I saying?” I pressed. Mum shuffled in her feet.

  “No.” She said, avoiding eye contact.

  “Mum! Reed said I say things in my dreams. How come you and Dad never told me that?”

  “You didn’t need to know.”

  “What?” I blurted, as I stood from the fifth step, its creaky noise returning. “All along I have said that Haylie had a message for me and that was why I was dreaming. You knew I was trying to figure it out. Maybe what I was saying in my dreams was the key to that. You had no right to keep that from me!” Screaming at my mother, I pushed past her and ran for the front door.

  I reached Reeds place in record time. Bursting through his front entrance.

  “I’m not going back, Reed.” I spat.

  “What’s going on?” He asked. “Did you have a fight with your mum?”

  “They had no right. They are treating me like a child.” I spat.

  “Jayde, you are a child. You’re their child. What is all of this about?”

  “They’ve been lying to me, Reed. They knew I spoke in my dreams
, but they kept it from me.”

  “Maybe they were trying to protect you.” He offered. I stared at him with malice.

  “Protect me? By hiding the one thing that I’m trying to find?”

  “Babe, what are you trying to find? If you’re looking for answers as to why Haylie committed suicide, you’ll never find that. Only she can know why.”

  “Why are you siding with them?”

  “Oh, Jayde, I’m not. I am here for you. I think that maybe you are trying to find something…yourself.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “You’ve never been alone. You always had Haylie. She made the decisions, she made the choices. I think you’re just learning to stand on your own two feet.”

  I looked at him with a hint of confusion. I think to some degree, he was right. I have grown so much since Haylie has been gone. Did my sister really have to die for me to be a stronger person, though? Where’s the master plan in that? If that is the trade off, I would go back to how things were a million times over. And over again. That’s not the reason she committed suicide and while Reed might be trying to put a positive spin on it for me, it still doesn’t explain why I feel so compelled to dig deeper. Haylie is not at rest and I won’t rest until she is.

  “You’re not going to let this go, are you?” He smirked at me.

  “Guess you know me better than I do myself.”

  “Jayde, Jayde, Jayde. I have a feeling that this is going to come back and bite me in the arse, but…I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

  “That’s good because I don’t plan on leaving you any time soon.”

  “Any time soon? I kind of hoped you wouldn’t leave me at all,” he said, stroking my hair.

  “You’re stuck with me now, babe.”

  “And I wouldn’t have that any other way.” I winked at him. Reed leaned in and kissed my forehead.

  “I really hate to rush things babe, but some of us have a day job.” He said walking over to his pantry.

  “I can’t even offer you brekky, I’ve got nothing here, better do a shop on the weekend.” He added.

  “Auntie Vi’s already left for the day, you’re more than welcome to make something to eat there?” As if on cue, my stomach let out a loud growling noise. We both laughed as I tried miserably to mute it.

  “Dinner tonight at mine.” He said, picking up my hand and kissing it.

  * * *

  It almost felt illegal, going through Ross and Vi’s kitchen without them home. I began to rummage through the cupboards to find something to eat, though. I was famished. There it goes again, that horrible empty sound from deep inside my gut. They had a smorgasboard of food to choose from. For only two people, it looked as though they were feeding an army. All these delights made my mouth water.

  “I’m sure a little won’t be missed.” I hummed to myself as I dipped my finger into a batter mixture sitting on the sink.

  “Isn’t that Goldilocks’ line?”

  “Oh crap!” I yelled, stunned. “Rose?”

  “It’s ok,” she beamed. “Sorry I startled you.”

  “Hi. Um, Reed said that I could-.”

  “It’s quite ok dear. There’s enough food here to feed an army.” How does she do that?

  “My sister won’t miss a thing. In fact, she will probably be annoyed that she missed having breakfast with you. She thinks very highly of you, Jayde.”

  “And what about you, Rose? What do you think of me?” I blurted before thinking.

  “Oh child. Come, sit.” She said, patting the kitchen chair.

  “I’m sorry, I-”

  “Nonsense. You think I’m a little odd. That makes you feel uncomfortable. That’s ok. I am a little left-of-centre, in the traditional sense.” She said smiling.

  “But I’m harmless, Jayde. My sister adores you. She always has been an excellent judge of character. What was your sister good at?” She asked as she began to pour her home made waffle mixture into the sizzling pan.

  “Haylie?” I asked. Rose nodded, not turning to look at me. “God, she was pretty much an all-rounder. Maybe a few things though that she hadn’t quite mastered.” And now never will.

  “Did she share your talent for the arts?”

  “Art? Haylie? No,” I laughed. “Haylie failed art, twice.”

  “Ah, so you are the talented mind?”

  “Hmmm.” Was all I could muster. I’m not quite sure where Rose is going with this. “She was on the school debating team for the last three years of high school. And drama. Haylie was really good on stage. That’s what she did. Acting. She worked at the council community performing arts centre. No good at musicals though.” I giggled, remembering the time when Haylie’s boss requested she try out for a role in My Fair Lady. Even after her insistence to not be allowed to sing, Haylie continued with the song in its entirety. She took her bow and never sang on stage again. Nor was she ever asked to.

  “I guess she wasn’t as perfect as I thought.”

  “Nobody is perfect, dear. What is perfect? What you decide or what I decide? We can only strive to be our perfect self.”

  “Those are very wise words, Rose.”

  “You miss her,” Rose said. She placed the plate of steaming waffles on the table in front of me. “Cream and jam?”

  “I do, miss her. I miss her a lot.”

  “She’s around you, Jayde. You know that don’t you?” Oh, here we go!

  “She is. She hasn’t passed through, yet.” Rose said, placing her hand over mine.

  “Rose, don’t do this ok. It’s really cruel.” I pulled my hand from hers.

  “Ok, ok, I’ll back off. But, she’ll stick around to make sure you’ll be fine without her. After all, you were one cell at conception, she feels responsible for you.” I stood up to leave, but there was a gentle glow to Rose that seemed to lower me back down.

  “No more, I promise. It’s all about hope though, Jayde. Hope that there’s more, hope that things will be fine, hope for the future. Hope, Jayde. And trust. Trust in yourself.” Sitting here in Vi’s kitchen eating, possibly the best waffles ever made, listening to Rose talk about afterlife and hope and trust and my sister, I should’ve felt anger and confusion, but I didn’t. I still don’t get Rose, but I think that’s why I like her. At least, I think I like her. Ok, so there is some confusion, but I get the feeling confusion follows this woman around like a continuous merry-go-round. You can watch from afar, getting a little dizzy along the way, but Rose is never getting off her ride. That’s who she is. And that’s ok.

  Reed stopped at the supermarket on his way home from work to pick up a few essentials to prepare dinner. I still hadn’t been home, or rung home. I’m beginning to question the notion of home. It was no longer Queensland. My parents new place in Orford looked like it for all intense and purposes, but hasn’t quite earned itself the title just yet. If anywhere, I felt most at home at Reed’s place. But I’m not quite ready to call his place my home, either. I’m just somewhere stuck in the middle. Somewhere in limbo. Stuck between one place and the other. Perhaps, just like Haylie.

  “Hi honey, I’m home.” Reed called, stepping in through his front door.

  “Ha ha,” I greeted him with a kiss. “Good day at work, sweetheart?” Going along with his charade.

  “It was a long day honey, but much better I’m home in your loving arms.” He smirked.

  “Well, you really should sit and rest your feet. You must be so tired…”

  Reed appeared to be enjoying this. He began to make his way over to the couch when I spoke, dragging him back to reality.

  “This country is no longer living in the 50s and I am certainly not a repressed house wife. Up, dinner won’t cook itself and if I do recall correctly, I do believe I am still a guest in your house Mr. Harper.”

  “Really?” He whined. “I was beginning to get used to having a little ol’ wife. Thought I might’ve even scored myself a foot massage after you finished cleaning the dishes.”

 
; “Oh, you didn’t!” I snapped, grabbing the tea towel and flicking it at him. Bulls eye! He winced into submission.

  “Uh-huh. Who’s wearing the pants now, hey buddy?” I laughed. After dinner, I cleared the table and put the dishes into the dishwasher. I made myself a cup of tea and joined Reed on the couch.

  “Dinner was awesome.” I said, snuggling up to him. “Thanks for cooking.”

  “Thanks for doing the dishes. It was good, though, wasn’t it? It was just what I needed after a long day at work. We’ve been working on the old maritime museum in Swansea. It’s right out on the jetty and man it gets cold there. Swansea is notorious for the wind and it just cut right through me today.”

  “I noticed how windy it was here today, too. It woke me up this morning.”

  “Listen, do you mind if I grab a hot shower? It might give you time to give your mum a buzz and tell her you’re here. I’m sure she’s worried.”

  “What makes you think I haven’t already called her, Reed?” I asked.

  “Have you?” He asked, not waiting for my reply. How does he do that?

  I waited until I heard the taps starting to run. I picked up the house phone, only to put it back down. It’s only a phone call. I encouraged myself. I just knew the reception I was going to receive. I left the house in such a rush this morning that I barely had time to put on my shoes let alone grab my mobile phone. I tried again, to no avail. Ten minutes had almost passed before I realised that time was actually making it harder. The longer I left making the call, the greater my fear grew. Rose told me the first time I met her to face my fears. This can be the first of many. I took in three big, deep, calm breathes and dialed her number.

  “Hi…Mum…it’s me.”

  “Jayde. Thank God. You really should stop giving me a hard time. Life is hard enough without having to worry about you, too.”

  “I didn’t ring for a lecture, I just wanted you to know that I’m at Reed’s and I’m not sure when I’ll be home,” there was silence on the other end of the line. “Mum? Are you there?”

  “Yes, Jayde. Yes I am here. I am always here. I think that’s been the problem all along.”