by Emma Taylor
I let out a sigh of relief. “I’ll put the kettle on.”
I am still dreaming. Some days I don’t remember. Most of the time they are just memories, usually, those memories are tarnished by something from the time surrounding Haylie’s death. But now always, I am silent. I don’t think it was because I took the medication. I don’t think it’s because I stopped the medication. I think it’s because now I am stronger. After the kettle had boiled, I heard my mobile phone vibrating on the kitchen counter. I must’ve turned it on silent last night. 2 missed calls from Reed, last night and one this morning. I put the tea into the pot and poured the hot water in. Letting it brew, I scrolled through my phone and pressed call back.
“Hi babe, it’s me.”
“Jayde.”
“I missed your calls, sorry I had my mobile on silent.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Yeah, fine. Mum and I sat up last night and drank some wine and talked. It was good.”
“You drank wine?”
“Yeah, just one glass. I don’t think it matters too much now that I am off the meds. But listen, something that happened yesterday isn’t making much sense to me.”
“Yeeaah. Which part? Cause it wasn’t exactly a standard day, by any means.”
“Clearly. But what I want to know is what Lucas meant by when he said to you ‘talk to Rose’.” Reed was silent on the other end.
“Reed? What does that mean?”
“It’s nothing Jayde. It’s just Lucas being Lucas.”
“Well, what does that mean?”
“Look, just drop it babe. Lucas thinks the answer to life’s issues lie with herbal remedies and spiritual healers. I love the bloke, but he just takes it too far sometimes.”
“Yeah, but what does that have to do with you and Rose?”
“Jayde, enough. Ok? Look, I have to go, someone’s at the door. Can I call round and see you later?”
“Sure.” I replied. Did I push him too far?
“I love you.” I added quickly, but he was already gone.
* * *
I opened my closet to find my running gear. Rummaging through to find a hoody, I noticed that Haylie’s jacket wasn’t in there.
“Mum, I can’t find Haylie’s jacket. Have you seen it?”
I distinctly remember placing it in the middle hoping her scent might transfer to my other clothes.
“Which one honey?”
“Her leather one. The one I tore a hole in. I can’t find it.” I said in a panic.
“I’m sure it will turn up.” She said, avoiding eye contact with me.
“You know something? Please don’t tell me you got rid of it. Mum?”
“No, no of course not.”
“Then what? Tell me.” I demanded.
“Oh, well, I guess I have to now. But you have to promise me that you won’t say anything.”
“To who? What are you talking about?”
“Reed saw how upset you were when you damaged the jacket. He knew how much meaning it had for you. Thoughtful man that he is, well he took it to an alterations shop to have it mended professionally. It was meant to be a surprise.”
“Oh. When did he get it?”
“I know. I was amazed that you let it out of your sight. He popped over when you had your meeting with Seers and Buckley. You can’t let on that you know though. He would be devastated if he found out you knew.”
“No, of course.” I was pleased he wanted to do something so nice for me. However, I couldn’t shake the annoyed feeling that crept up at the thought of Reed and my mum sharing a secret between them. Even worse, that it was about me.
“What are your plans for the rest of the day? I was going to head into Hobart if you wanted to come for the drive?”
“Again? Mum, you really need to find a hobby.”
“Yes. Get a life, Mum. That’s what Haylie always said.”
“Yeah, well now I’m saying it.” I laughed.
I decided on a run to clear my head. The air was icy cold early this morning. It hadn’t really warmed up by mid morning but, the wind had died down. It was perfect running conditions. I did a few extra stretches, trying to get the blood flowing a little bit quicker. Falling asleep on the lounge was fun when I was six years old, but with two grown women both vying for best position all night, my body ached even before I had begun my much needed exercise. I liked the way my body looked. Slightly athletic, yet still womanly. Besides our eye colour, our figures were really the only other visual difference between myself and Haylie. She was fractionally taller than me, but that tended to vary throughout the years, however, she was always thinner than me. At times she was border line skinny, but I preferred the way my body looked. It helped me to achieve the sporting success I craved. It made me feel strong. I knew where I was headed before I had even decided on the run. Turning into his drive, I reached into my pocket and retrieved the electric buzzer. Slowing down to a gentle jog, I took in the surrounds with pleasure and a new clarity. It was so peaceful out here. Almost too peaceful, if that is even possible? I couldn’t see Ross on his ride on mower, or washing on the line that Vi had put out earlier in the day. I couldn’t see Reed’s ute, either. Just perfectly manicured gardens. Picture perfect, except what I was looking for wasn’t in this picture.
“Damn it.” I whispered.
“Jayde, honey?” I heard a voice straining from high.
“Rose? Rose, is that you?” I asked bewildered.
“Oh, be a dear will you? I got stuck up here. Silly old fool I am. Can you pick up the ladder for me, dear?”
“Of course, of course. Rose, what are you doing? You really shouldn’t be up there by yourself.” I scolded.
“Yes, I know.” She hollered from the top of her sister’s roof.
“I’m just God damn lucky you came along,” she winked at me when she landed on terra firma. “It looks good though, doesn’t it?” Pointing to her work of display.
“Yeah, great.” I replied slowly. Oh my God! I hadn’t even noticed it on my way in. Really Jayde? It wasn’t like it was impossible to miss. Fairy lights twisted around gnarled branches that had been manipulated into a sphere. Not one, but five, all in differing sizes.
“Come. You’re here now, you can help me with the rest of the house.” She said, pulling me inside.
“Rose, what is all of this?” I asked in awe.
“We’re having a party!” She threw up her arms in excitement.
“That’s obvious.” I chuckled.
“Excellent! That’s the atmosphere I was striving for.” Rose was grand, extravagant and infectious to be around.
“But what is it for, Rose?” She motioned for me to follow her. She lead me to the fridge. Looking inside I saw a beautiful cake decorated with the words Congratulations Ross and Vi on 40 years of marriage xx
“Wedding anniversary,” I said. “Wow, 40 years hey?” I mused.
“Only for the best of em.” Rose quipped.
“Um, Rose, what would you have done if I hadn’t arrived? I mean, how long were you willing to stay up there?”
“I knew you would come, dear.” She simply said.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Just had a feeling someone would come.”
“You just had a feeling? That I would arrive or that someone would arrive?” I asked more confused.
“I call it intuition. Listening to yourself, your spirit guides, if you will. Looking at things differently. It’s like the sassafrass art piece I gave you. Taking it on face value, it’s just a glass bottle, but if you look further in, it holds a key, the key. Look deeper into the object in front of you, Jayde. You just have to look deeper.” I froze still as Rose finished her sentence. Look deeper…
I spent the rest of the morning helping Rose create her party paradise. She had most of it covered before I had arrived, but I like to think I contributed to this special occasion. Reed had followed Ross and Vi back to Richmond today. He borrowed their car for our ominous trip yesterday and tha
t was the escape goat for Rose’s surprise party organising today. Apparently, the car just wasn’t running right, as Reed said, suggesting that they get it looked at immediately. As it turned out, the only mechanic working today happened to be at Richmond. Of course the fact that he was Vi and Rose’s cousin and that he was in on this surprise, helped immensely.
“You’re pretty clever aren’t you, Rose?” I smiled.
“All in a day’s work,” she smiled back. “How are you going honey?”
“I’m getting there Rose. Listen, I should probably head home now.”
“Sure thing. But, you’ll be back later on? Party is at 5. Reed is going to bring them back about half past.”
“Really? Isn’t it a family thing? I would hate to impose.”
“Jayde, you are family.” A warm swell began in my stomach. “That’s nice. I would like to.”
“Please bring your mum, too. I’m just dying to meet her.”
* * *
I could tell my mother was impressed. I wonder if my mouth gaped that wide open the first time I saw Reed’s property. We were early, but I wanted to show her through Reed’s house, too. Ross and Vi’s cottage was quaint and had the most spectacular view of the ocean from their deck, it was an entity on its own, but I knew my mother would find Reed’s place the crème de la crème. Besides, part of me wanted to show off the comfortable surroundings that I could get used to if I were to move in with him. It’s still early on in our relationship and I am still young, but I really do feel like I’ve found the one. I know if I told my mum that, she would laugh at me and tell me not to fall into the same long term relationship trap that Haylie did. What is so wrong about that, though? Haylie and Sebastian were in love. They didn’t see it as a trap. For them, it was what life is all about. I guess in the end, it was all they had.
“What’s through there? Private art collection?” My mother said tainted with her at times overly sarcastic tone.
“Ah, well, yes. Actually it is. Rosco Aldino.”
“Of course it is. Must have slipped my mind. May I?” She asked, poking her head through the door.
“Well, no. Sorry this one’s off limits. Only the privileged few.” I said smugly.
“You’re allowed.” She said like it was a competition.
“I’m his girlfriend! Besides, this is where the blue room is. Which, reminds me, I have a couple of rolls to check on. I won’t be a sec, just make yourself comfortable. I think there is some wine in the kitchen.” I turned on my heel before she could protest, closing the self locking door behind me. I had masses of work to do.
“I’m sure this has doubled in size.” I whined out loud. I love my work, the creative side and I love developing, I just don’t like the waiting game or the sorting out for that matter. In fact, that is the part I detest. Especially when I have this many rolls to do. I began fingering through some previously developed photos that were on the work bench. A faint smile crept onto my face. Photos from our 18th birthday party. Haylie and Seb had a massive fight that night, which of course ended with them passionately making up, however it was a night to remember. Not only had we legally become adults but because it was also the last birthday that I celebrated with my sister. Will I ever be able to ‘celebrate’ my birthday again?
“Hey, hey, hey…this is going to have to wait for another time!” Reed ran down the stairs.
“Hi!” I flung my arms around him. “I’m so pleased to see you.”
“Great, me, too, but we gotta go. They are on their way. I ditched them at the super market, but they’re only about ten minutes away. Quick.” He said, pulling me from my moment in time.
“I don’t remember developing those.” I said as we headed over to the party.
“Well, you’ve had a lot on your plate, babe. Don’t worry about it, use tonight as a chance to let your hair down a little.” He said, squeezing my waist and kissing my forehead.
“To be honest, Reed, I actually don’t think they are my photos.” I stated.
“What do you mean? Of course they are yours. It was from your party.”
“Yeah, but I just don’t remember taking them. I would have to double check. I don’t know, I guess I did only see a couple of them.” Reed stared at me, wide eyed.
“Well, they are still special, from a special time. Come on, let’s forget about it for now.” He said, kissing me. We only just made it inside. Everyone stayed silent as Rose went to greet her sister and brother-in-law as they entered the house.
“Rose, why is the house in darkness? You’re not doing one of your crazy meditation sessions are you?” I heard Ross mock her.
“No, you closed minded old prick. I cooked you tea.” Rose gloated.
“Oh. Oh, sorry about that.” Ross back treaded.
“You’ve been my brother-in-law for 40 years and now you apologise for your sarcasm? I think I’m used to it by now. I love you all the same, though Ross.”
“Now, now, no time for sentimental speeches.” Ross laughed as Rose led them into the lounge room and into the eagerly awaiting party goers. Rose flicked the lights on and let them see the love in the room. Cousins and friends all huddled into Ross and Vi’s cosy home, all wanting to be a part of this special occasion. Vi wore her forever infectious smile, beaming at her friends, her family and her husband.
“Too much. Too much.” I heard her saying throughout the night, followed by a contemplative look and a glisten in her eye.
“She’s a gem, isn’t she?” Ross asked, sitting down by my side.
“She certainly is. Congratulations on your marriage, Ross.”
“Easiest thing I’ve ever done. Don’t get me wrong, there has been moments, but overall, I wouldn’t change a thing.” He smiled.
“You know, we were impetuous loved up young lovers. We knew our parents would never have agreed to a marriage, so we took off at 20 and travelled Oz in an old panel van. A bright yellow rust bucket she was, too.” He recalled fondly. “I asked Vi to marry me in a little town in Western Australia called Kalbarri. It was a tiny little village back then. That’s actually where we met Alan.”
“Alan? Reed’s dad? I thought you were his brother?”
“Not blood brothers, but we’ve been joined at the hip ever since. Well, at least we were…”
“Sorry, it must have been hard on you.”
“Al joined us for the rest of our tour of the land. He technically joined us on our honeymoon.” Ross chuckled.
“Don’t get much closer than that.” I said giggling, causing Ross to roar with his warm laugh. The entire room looked our way, making them all smile as if they were in on the joke. But it was Reed and my mother that were not smiling. Sitting in the next room, huddled in the corner, Mum and Reed were deep in conversation. Judging by the body language, it looked like a serious one. I just hope it doesn’t involve me, but something tells me it does.
* * *
“Up and at em, sleepy head.” Reed’s sweet voiced echoed through my mind the next morning. “It’s time to get up, whether you like it or not.” Boom! Crash!
“Ahh, reality bites.” I groaned.
“Monday mornings suck at the best of times, let alone Monday mornings with a slight hangover.” Reed said, pulling the blankets back and jumping into bed with me.
“Slight hangover? Which bowl of punch were you drinking from?” I complained. My head was throbbing.
“The one that said, don’t do it Reed, you have to work tomorrow. Guess we didn’t listen.” He laughed.
“The boss is your Uncle though. I’m sure you could twist his arm in letting you have the day off?” I suggested.
“Nope, no can do, my dear. That little shindig we had last night was the last you’ll see of Ross and Vi for about three months. Vi’s cousin, Mal? The mechanic from Richmond, bought up his campervan for them. They’ve already left to chase the sun.”
“Half their luck.” I said, stumbling out of bed.
“After 40 years together, they deserve to. One day tho
ugh babe. Promise I won’t make you wait that long.”
“If this weather continues, you won’t get a chance to keep me waiting.” I said heading for the bathroom.
“Is that a threat Jayde Miller?”
“No Mr. Harper…that’s a promise.” I called back. Reaching for my towel, I was yanked back with strong arms around my waist.
“Is that a fact?” He said. His face was just inches from mine, his breath hot in anticipation.
“That’s a fact.” I replied. He smirked at me with his joker like grin. “Best I do something about that then.”
THIRTEEN
For the first time since Haylie had died I woke this morning knowing she was gone and accepting that. My vision was another tarnished memory. The fine glass lay shattered on the bedroom floor. Shinning like diamond shards, glistening, twinkling. Liquid soaked through the carpet. Yet the lullaby still played as the horses went round and around. I said nothing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to say how sorry I was. I had just wanted to listen to the music. All I had ever wanted was to listen to the music. Now that was all I could hear. It drowned out her words. I can’t hear you. I called back. I couldn’t even hear my own words being spoken. She began her descent backwards, one slow step at a time, mouthing something that I couldn’t quite make out. Was I more desperate to understand the words she wanted to tell me or more desperate to keep her with me? My greatest desire now is trying to piece it all together. I’m not sure if it was a warning sign, but after my tarnished memory/dream, words were fermented in my mind…look deeper, find what you are looking for, just be prepared…Do I push this? Is that a warning or do I just let it go and let Haylie go? Let her rest in peace. The words rang out through my mind, over and over. For more than six months I have wished my sister was still here. That didn’t happen, that was never going to happen. No matter how much I long for it. Now, I wish to find the answer, to let Haylie go. Yes, that is what I wish for. I just have this feeling that she is incomplete. I think she needs me to finish it. I just don’t really understand her message. Then again, I haven’t really understood the last six months of my life. It’s been a constant tug and pull. I have found contentment in Grace and Lucas and with Reed, yet half of me feels selfish for continuing my life without Haylie. Then at times, I’ve felt so much anger and almost hatred for what she has done, but at the same time, couldn’t possibly love anyone more than her. I feel sad for my Dad, but I get so pissed off that he can and does just leave Mum and me to deal with it on our own. He’s the head of the family, but I feel abandoned by him. Then there is Mum, who, let’s face it, has never really dealt with life itself, let alone a death. She patches over things with her appearances for appearance’s sake. Traumatic and turbulent as my life has been in the last year, there has also been great strength and resilience. I am strong. I am resilient. And I am determined. I am me. And I will help my sister, this I am certain of.