by Radclyffe
Sean nodded.
“Well, this is interesting,” Ellen pronounced. “And how does the good Doctor Gray feel about this crush?”
“She feels ridiculous—that’s how she feels.” Sean finally looked at Ellen, her expression a mixture of confusion and amused self-deprecation. “I’m thirty-two years old, a responsible professional—and straight, I might add.”
“Are you?”
“What?”
“Straight.”
“Ah, that.” Sean hesitated before she answered. “I never questioned it before—I never had reason to. All I can say is that I’m terribly attracted to her.”
“What attracts you to her?”
“How about everything?” Sean blew out a breath, trying to put into words what she’d been struggling to understand almost since the first night she’d seen Drew Clark.
“This is the part where I ask my clients to say more,” Ellen quipped.
“Right,” Sean said with a sigh. “You know how hard it is to explain why one person catches our attention as opposed to someone else. Or why one person can never be more than a friend even though we love them, while someone else we desire madly—even when the desire is irrational.”
“Well, we could invoke pheromones, although you’ve never shown any indication of being wired that way,” Ellen said dryly. “She certainly gets my juices flowing.”
“You have a disgustingly healthy sex drive,” Sean muttered. “It’s a good thing you also have a well-developed superego. Otherwise, you’d be dangerous.”
Ellen said nothing, but her rakish grin said she took Sean’s appraisal as a compliment.
“I suppose it would make more sense if I’d been attracted to a woman before,” Sean mused. “But it doesn’t seem to make any difference. She’s attractive to me on so many levels. She’s incredibly intense—I can feel it when she walks into the room. Watching her train, just watching her move, Jesus, it’s—”
“I got the part where she melts your synapses, Sean,” Ellen said with the slightest hint of envy. “She turns you on. Other than the fact that that hasn’t happened for you with a woman before, it makes perfect sense. She’s gorgeous.”
“Yeah,” Sean acknowledged with a self-conscious grin.
“What else? I can’t believe you’d be this bent out of shape just because your estrogens were surging.”
“When I was hurt, she was so...tender. She was gentle and kind and made me feel...special. Ever since the accident, when we’ve been together at school, she’s, I don’t know, said things. Little things—questions about how I was feeling, the way she is with me when she teaches. She makes me feel like I matter to her.” She sighed and admitted, “I like that.”
She didn’t add that there were times when she looked up to find Drew’s eyes laser-sharp upon her face, as if she were looking for something in Sean’s eyes. But whatever lay hidden behind Drew’s intense blue gaze, Sean was never able to fathom. Nevertheless, she felt the heat of that searing scrutiny upon her skin and knew that she was blushing—and that Drew could see it.
And she didn’t mention how she couldn’t forget the pain, or rather the torment, which she glimpsed briefly whenever Drew unknowingly let her guard drop. It hurt to see it, and Sean wanted to make it go away. She wanted to make Drew smile. How can I tell Ellen that, when it doesn’t even make any sense to me?
“Would you sleep with her?”
Ellen’s words cut abruptly into her reverie, and Sean answered without hesitation. “In a heartbeat.”
“That certainly says a lot.” Ellen studied Sean’s face. “And the fact that she’s a woman?”
“I...” Sean looked away again, then confided quietly, “Let’s just say I’ve been having some pretty interesting fantasies lately.”
“I’d ask for details, but I don’t want to get distracted.”
Sean finally laughed. “Whatever this is, it’s not just in my mind.”
“I could buy the idea of a crush if you were prone to such things, Sean,” Ellen said, suddenly serious. “But you’re not. I’ve known you, what, six years? In all that time, I’ve never known you to even joke about anyone this way.”
“I’m not certain I’ve ever felt this way about anyone,” Sean confessed. “It’s...absurd.”
“I think it’s adorable.”
“It’s starting to become an obsession. Every time I see her, I forget how to talk in complete sentences.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“Hell, I don’t know.” Sean ran a distracted hand through her hair. “Hope that it goes away before she notices, or before I make a fool of myself.”
“Why?” Ellen asked in surprise.
“Because I have absolutely no indication that she is interested in me, and even if she were, there’s the problem of her being my teacher.”
“Oh, Sean—get a grip. You’re both adults. We’re not talking about the impropriety of a high school student and a thirty-year old teacher.”
“I think she might see it that way. There is a tremendous power imbalance, especially in a formal school like ours. It’s a lot like being in the military.”
“Didn’t you tell me that your head teacher and a student were lovers?”
“Well, yes, but they were lovers before Sabum Roma started training. That’s different than becoming involved with one of your students.”
“It’s a pretty fine distinction,” Ellen pointed out.
“Not necessarily. Would you sleep with one of your clients?”
“Of course not.”
“Even after the therapy had ended?”
“No, Sean—you know that.”
“Well, how about just being friends with an ex-client?”
“Almost certainly not, but I’ve known therapists who do. The biggest problem with that is that it closes the door for a return to the client-therapist relationship. It inalterably changes the dynamic.” Ellen hesitated. “But the client-therapist relationship is a long way from what you’re talking about. If the two of you became involved, it might create some problems in the...what do you call it? dojang...but it is not inherently an unethical situation.”
“Some people would disagree,” Sean insisted. “There have been many instances where female students have been taken advantage of by male instructors.”
“All right, I can see that as a problem,” Ellen agreed. “Do you feel like your attraction for her is coming from some unhealthy place?”
“No, but she might. That’s all I’m saying.”
“I think you’re way ahead of yourself here, Sean. First, let the woman know you’re interested—then let her decide if that’s a problem or not. You can’t write the whole story by yourself.”
Sean didn’t ask the question she really wanted answered. How, exactly, do you go about letting another woman know you are interested in her?
“Hey, you two,” Susan called from the house. “Someone’s here.”
“I’d better get that,” Sean said, turning from Ellen with a sense of relief. Everything always seemed so clear to Ellen, and maybe it would have seemed that way to her, too, if she hadn’t sensed something more than natural reserve in Drew Clark’s formidable barricades. Drew seemed to keep herself apart from everyone, even Janet Cho, who was clearly very fond of her.
As Sean pulled open the door and greeted the first of her classmates, she tried to put aside those unanswerable questions and enjoy the company of her friends. Still, even in the midst of conversation, she’d catch herself searching the crowd for that one unforgettable face that made her heart race.
*
By eight o’clock, the terrace was crowded with Sean’s friends and their partners. Women and men stood about in small groups, eating and chatting. Janet Cho sat quietly on a bench at one side of the broad terrace, Chris Roma next to her.
“Happy birthday, Janet,” Chris said softly, taking her lover’s hand.
“Thank you, love.” Janet smiled, gently intertwining her fingers
with Chris’s. She couldn’t help thinking how close she had come to losing this precious woman to a twist of fate only weeks before. “The only present I wanted was to have you well again.”
“Well, I’m fine now. It was only a few bumps and bruises, so no more worrying.” Chris leaned to kiss her cheek. “Enjoy your party, my love.”
“It is a nice birthday. They are a wonderful group, aren’t they?”
“Yes. And they all care about you and each other.”
Janet nodded, a slight frown on her usually serene face.
“What is it?” Chris asked, ever sensitive to her lover’s quiet moods.
“Drew is not here. I was afraid she would not come.”
“Why didn’t she, do you think?”
“She is not one to make friends. She never was.” Janet spoke carefully, aware that Chris did not know Drew’s entire story and mindful that Drew possessed a very private nature. “But especially now, I think she needs to let people close. She has been too long inside herself, and she suffers.”
“The...nightmares don’t seem any better.”
Too often in the weeks that Drew had stayed with them before moving into her own apartment just the day before, Chris and Janet had been awakened by muffled cries coming from the guest room down the hall. In the morning, the shadows under Drew’s eyes looked like wounds, and her blue eyes would be clouded with pain.
“No—in fact, they seemed more violent lately.”
“She’s happy at the dojang, though, don’t you think?”
“Ah, yes. Thank goodness for the students. There, she has women to care about—but it is too safe, and not enough.”
“Too safe?”
“She can care about them, but she does not have to accept the responsibility of being cared about in return. That may be necessary for a teacher, but it is a way of hiding, too. She keeps her heart locked away.”
“Is there anything we can do?”
“We can give her friendship.” Janet smiled and stroked Chris’s hand. “Someday, I hope, she will let another claim her heart...when the want is greater than the fear.”
“Is that how it was with you?”
Again the small smile. “Ah, yes—except the fear was that you would not want me.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Chris’s voice was gentle, her eyes soft. Don’t you know I’ve always adored you?
“I am older,” Janet pointed out, her tone light but her eyes serious. “I am too quiet perhaps, too...ordinary. I am not...beautiful.”
“Oh my God,” Chris breathed, never having heard her lover express such thoughts. “After all this time, you don’t still believe that, do you? You know, don’t you, that I find you the most exciting, attractive, caring woman in the world? I fell in love with you because you were strong and noble and brave...and very beautiful.”
Janet’s eyes shone with pleasure. “You have always made me feel that way.”
“You never have to fear that will change.” Chris brought their joined hands to her lips, kissing Janet’s fingers. “Because I will always love you.”
*
Sean watched the party from the doorway of the dining room, enjoying the sounds of pleasure but feeling oddly apart from it. As she watched Chris brush her lips over Janet’s hand, loneliness twisted through her. From where she stood, she could not hear their words, but the soft touches that passed between them as their heads bent close spoke of love. It made her long for that kind of connection in a way that she never had before. Sighing, she pushed back the edges of sadness and looked for her sister and Ellen.
Susan was in the midst of a group of laughing women, no doubt accosting them with questions about their masochistic tendencies. She couldn’t find Ellen, but she was certain that her friend’s acerbic wit was just what she needed to take her mind off her troubles.
Before she could find her sister’s lover, the doorbell rang. As she moved through the quiet house to answer it, she noticed Gail Driscoll follow someone through the door into the library. Her classmate hadn’t seen her, and Sean was too intent on getting to the door to call out. Her pulse was suddenly racing. It has to be her. Everyone else is here.
When she opened the front door, she found Drew standing there, the borrowed denim shirt in her hand. Sean’s stomach clenched in the way it seemed to do with regularity whenever she looked at the handsome blond. For a second, she forgot to speak.
“Hi,” Drew said into the heavy silence.
“Hi,” Sean replied shyly, her eyes sweeping swiftly from Drew’s face down her body. She liked the way Drew looked in black jeans and a white oxford shirt. Muscular and strong and...sexy. Oh, Jesus.
“I kept forgetting to return this,” Drew said softly, holding out the shirt. She almost hadn’t come, but seeing the warm welcome in Sean’s eyes, she was suddenly glad that she had.
“I’m glad you could make it,” Sean finally managed, hoping that her voice sounded normal. Because she certainly wasn’t. Her legs were trembling, and it felt as if an invisible cord pulled her toward the woman waiting patiently on her doorsill. She had an insane desire to touch her, just to rest her fingers against the skin laid bare by Drew’s rolled-up sleeves. And she couldn’t think of a single thing that would be more inappropriate. There’s something really, really wrong with me.
“Sorry I’m late.” Drew watched the color rise in Sean’s neck and saw an emotion flicker through her green eyes that threatened to turn her own bones to pulp. She hadn’t seen that look in a woman’s eyes for longer than she could remember, or at least she hadn’t recognized it in anyone’s if it had been there. She averted her gaze, but not before a fist of yearning tightened in her depths. Voice hoarse, she asked, “Did I miss the gift presentation?”
“No. Not at all. We waited to give Master Cho her present, in case you made it,” Sean explained, tossing the shirt onto the mail table. “We’re all back this way.”
She led Drew through the house and stopped in the doorway of the kitchen. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“A beer would be good.”
“There’s some outside in the coolers. And plenty of food left, too.”
“I’ll find it,” Drew said with a laugh. Reluctantly, she added, “I should pay my respects to Master Cho.”
“Of course.”
“I...well, I’ll talk to you later, perhaps.”
“Yes,” Sean said as she watched her walk away. Suddenly, the night held a promise that had not been there before.
With the image of Sean’s smile lingering in her mind, Drew crossed the wide terrace to where Janet and Chris were sitting and bowed slightly. “Good evening.”
Janet Cho smiled. “It is, yes.”
Unconsciously, Drew clasped her hands behind her back. “Happy birthday, Janet.”
“Thank you for being here.”
Drew wasn’t entirely certain what to do next. It wasn’t in her nature to make small talk, especially to her students, and she certainly couldn’t disappear after only having been there for five minutes, despite her desire to do just that. Making a conscious effort to relax, she glanced around at the party activities, nodding to the nearby students and their spouses.
To her relief, she spied Sean wending her way through the crowd toward her with a bottle of beer in each hand. The white tank top and jeans Sean wore accentuated her lithe body, and Drew found herself once again admiring her natural grace and beauty. Sean seemed to stand out from the other students, not just because she was a good deal older, but also because she carried herself with an air of certainty that suggested she was at peace with herself. As always, just seeing her seemed to have a soothing effect on Drew.
“Thank you,” Drew said gratefully as she accepted the damp bottle. Nodding once more to Janet and Chris, Drew then walked with Sean as they moved out of the path of the birthday well-wishers, who were stopping to speak with their teacher. They found a quiet corner of the terrace and leaned against the stone wall to face each other in the soft glow of lig
ht cast from a nearby lantern. “Your nose looks normal, finally.”
“It still feels six times its usual size, and it’s been almost a month.” Sean laughed and touched her face self-consciously. “It actually looked much worse than it felt even right after it happened.”
I know how you looked. I’ve seen it in my dreams. A fleeting shadow flickered across Drew’s face as she fought off the memory, and she lifted the bottle hastily to her lips to cover her discomfort. When she spoke again, her voice was steady.
“You handled it well. You would have made an excellent marine.”
Sean laughed out loud, a full, throaty laugh that animated her face, making her look suddenly younger. “Oh, not at all. I’m almost as bad as my sister when it comes to taking orders.”
“Not that I’ve noticed,” Drew remarked.
“It’s different in class. I understand that the discipline is to help me focus and to remind me of the seriousness of what we do. It’s something I accept as necessary. It actually makes me feel safe.” She shrugged, hoping that she hadn’t sounded foolish.
Drew nodded in understanding. “I think when the potential for physical injury is present, that kind of structure does make us feel safe. I hope it helps for you to know that those of us in charge of your training—and safety—take it seriously as well.”
“It does,” Sean replied softly. “Still, I wouldn’t welcome that kind of control in every aspect of my life—as I imagine a marine must do. It may be too safe. I’m sure I would feel stunted, too constrained.”
“You’ve got a point,” Drew readily agreed. “Even though I hope—we all hope—that some of what you gain in class will support you in the rest of your life.”
“Well, yes. It helps a great deal in my work. I’m more resilient. I can listen to my clients—their fears, their pain—I can hear it and feel for them without being immobilized by it. I’m more balanced.” Sean stopped speaking when she realized Drew was staring at her, that intense searching stare that she had seen in brief flashes before. Quietly, she asked, “What is it?”