by Radclyffe
Sean covered her mouth to suppress her cry of horror. Her mind tried to hold the pain Drew must have felt, but it was too much. “Oh, Drew. I’m so, so sorry.”
“I never told her I was sorry, Sean.” Drew’s voice was a strangled whisper. “I never got to tell her that she was my whole life, the best part of me—I never even said good-bye.” She turned helplessly into Sean’s waiting arms, pressed her face to Sean’s breasts, and gave in to soul-wrenching sobs that made Sean moan in sympathy.
Powerless to do anything, Sean could only hold Drew and shelter her heaving body. She murmured useless words that couldn’t begin to make up for the horror of that night or all the lonely years that followed, but she gave what comfort she could while Drew clung to her, broken and bereft.
After what seemed like hours, Drew quieted, exhausted. Sean continued to hold her, her cheek pressed to the top of Drew’s head.
“Do you hate me?” Drew whispered, her face still buried against Sean’s breast.
“Hate you?” Sean gripped her even more tightly. “Oh, sweetheart, no. I don’t hate you—I love you. I wish it had never happened; I wish you had never suffered such a terrible loss; I wish I could take all your pain away. I wish I could do something—anything—to make it all right, but I can only love you.”
“It’s my fault she’s dead.”
Sean could have argued, and in time, she would point out how little control Drew had over what happened that terrible night. But for now, all that mattered was that Drew was talking about it. With her palm, she cupped Drew’s chin and lifted her head, gazing into blue eyes nearly black with misery.
“You loved her, sweetheart, and I know Dara knew that. I know the way you love.”
“Last night,” Drew began haltingly, “last night was like...that night. Only this time, it was you—and I was there to stop it. I wanted to kill them, Sean—for threatening you, for trying to take it all away from me again. I couldn’t stand to lose you.”
“You won’t lose me...not that way and not because of this. I promise we will have a future together. I promise.”
“I love you so much,” Drew whispered, at last able to say the words with no fear that Sean would learn her secrets and leave her because of them. “I love you.”
Sean cupped Drew’s face and kissed her. “I know, sweetheart. And I’m so lucky that you do.”
Epilogue
6 Months Later
Ellen found Drew outside on the terrace, leaning against the stone wall and watching the sunset. “Mind company?”
Drew turned, a smile on her face. “Hey. No...good to see you.”
“I wasn’t sure if you were meditating or something like that before the big event.”
“No. I was just thinking how lucky I am—to be here tonight. For having Sean in my life.”
Ellen heard the heartfelt sincerity in Drew’s voice and shook her head ruefully. “Try not to say things like that around Susan, okay? It makes me look bad when you come off all romantic like that.”
“Yeah, sure,” Drew replied with a laugh. “Like she doesn’t know you’re crazy over her.”
“I hope so,” Ellen said fervently. “You nervous about tonight?”
“Sean’s black belt test?” Drew shook her head, grinning. “No. She’s going to be great.”
“You’ll have to fight her, right?”
Drew nodded.
“So how’s that? Is it a problem?”
“Not at all. It’s not about who wins. It’s about bringing out the best in each other. I’m honored to do that for her.” She looked away a second, then met Ellen’s eyes. “Her love has given me everything I’ll ever want. I can never give her enough in return.”
“Sean would disagree with you about that, I think,” Ellen said kindly. “But I also believe every two people in love probably think they don’t deserve the other. It may be what keeps them together.”
“Then we should have a pretty good shot,” Drew said quietly, “because I intend to spend every day making sure she knows how much I love her. And I’d better start by getting her to the test on time.”
Ellen watched Drew walk away, thinking how good it was to see the shadows gone from her brilliant blue eyes. You don’t need to worry, my friend. Sean already knows.
*
Sean laid her starched, crisp uniform over the chair and methodically arranged her gear in her bag. She didn’t look up as Susan entered and sprawled out on her bed.
“Are you ready?” Susan asked.
“Yes,” Sean said calmly.
“I wish I could come watch you test,” Susan pouted.
“The black belt tests are private, Suse—no one will be there except the black belt test board.”
“Well, Drew’s gonna be there, right?”
“Of course,” Sean replied, smiling at the thought. Knowing that her lover would be there, would actually be part of the test board, gave her a sense of serenity and calm. Whenever Drew was near, Sean felt her entire life settle and center itself.
“Is her leg okay?”
“Her leg is fine.” Sean glanced at her sister, wondering what she was really asking. “And so is the rest of her. Not one single nightmare in three months. And last week, she finally showed me pictures of her and Dara.”
“Were you jealous?”
“No,” Sean said thoughtfully. “It was like looking at family pictures. Drew was so young, and they were so innocent. It made me sad. But it’s what she’s needed to do all these years—she needs Dara in her life; she needs the memories.” She placed her uniform in the bag, zipped it, and straightened her shoulders. “And I need for her to have those memories, too, because now she’s whole. And that’s what I need.”
Susan fussed with the pillows, not looking at Sean.
“What is it, Suse?”
“Um...this might not be a good time to tell you this...” her voice trailed off weakly.
“What?” Sean asked, suddenly concerned. “It’s not something with Ellen, is it?”
“Well, sort of.”
“Oh, Susan—tell me!”
“Ellen and I are buying a house.”
Sean grabbed her sister and hugged her. “That’s wonderful.”
Susan’s face lit up. “You don’t mind?”
“Are you kidding? I’m so happy for you—both of you. I’ll miss you like crazy, but it’s great.”
“Will you keep this house?”
“Yes, I think so—if Drew wants to live here.”
“You and Drew? Living together?”
“Nothing’s decided.” Sean suddenly looked shy. “But we’ve talked about it some.”
“Nice of you to tell me about it,” Susan groused.
Sean tousled her hair and then picked up her bag. “I’m telling you now. I’d better go.”
“Hey, good luck. Don’t get hurt, okay?”
“Not to worry,” Sean assured her. “I’ll call you later.”
When she reached the bottom of the stairs, Drew was leaning against the banister, waiting.
“You ready?” Drew murmured, holding out her hand to take the gear bag. “Let me have that.”
“Carrying my books?”
Drew grinned. “Yeah. Trying to win points so you’ll go easy on me tonight.”
“I’ll treat you very nicely, tough guy, but not until after we get home. Until then, anything is fair game.” She slipped her hand into Drew’s as they walked.
The sound of Sean’s voice never failed to stir her, and Drew caught her breath as a wave of longing and love washed through her. “Jesus, don’t talk like that before class. I won’t be able to concentrate, and you shouldn’t be thinking of anything but the test.”
Sean laughed as she slid into the front seat of the car, watching Drew walk around the front, enjoying as always the easy way she moved. “I don’t want to think about the test,” she replied as Drew got behind the wheel. “That might make me nervous. Thinking about you makes me feel—well, a lot of things.”
<
br /> “Oh?” Drew raised an eyebrow as she started the ignition.
“Yes.” Sean rested her hand on Drew’s thigh. “Safe. Loved. Desired.”
“You are all those things,” Drew whispered. “I love you so much.”
“And I love you,” Sean replied. “I’m not afraid of anything with you by my side.”
“Then no matter what comes,” Drew affirmed, “we can’t lose. Because I feel the same way.”
The End
About the Author
Radclyffe is the author of numerous lesbian romances (Safe Harbor and its sequel Beyond the Breakwater, Innocent Hearts, Love’s Melody Lost, Love’s Tender Warriors, Tomorrow’s Promise, Passion’s Bright Fury, Love’s Masquerade, shadowland, and Fated Love), as well as two romance/intrigue series: the Honor series (Above All, Honor revised edition, Honor Bound, and Love & Honor) and the Justice series (Shield of Justice, the prequel A Matter of Trust, In Pursuit of Justice, and Justice in the Shadows).
A 2003/2004 recipient of the Alice B. award for her body of work as well as a member of the Golden Crown Literary Society, Pink Ink, and the Romance Writers of America, she lives with her partner, Lee, in Philadelphia, PA where she both writes and practices surgery full-time. She states, “I began reading lesbian fiction at the age of twelve when I found a copy of Ann Bannon’s Beebo Brinker. Not long after, I began collecting every book with lesbian content I could find. The new titles come much faster now than they did in the decades when a new book or two every year felt like a gift, but I still treasure every single one. These works are our history and our legacy, and I am proud to contribute in some small way to those archives.”
Her upcoming works include a selection in Infinite Pleasures: An Anthology of Lesbian Erotica, edited by Stacia Seaman and Nann Dunne (2004); a selection in Milk of Human Kindness, an anthology of lesbian authors writing about mothers and daughters, edited by Lori L. Lake (2004); Change of Pace: Erotic Interludes, an “all Radclyffe” erotica collection (Dec 2004); the next in the Provincetown Tales, Distant Shores, Silent Thunder (2005); and the next in the Justice series, Justice Served (2005).
Look for information about these works at www.radfic.com and www.boldstrokesbooks.com.