by John Friel
Adult
CHILDREN
The Secrets of
Dysfunctional Families
John C. Friel & Linda D. Friel
Health Communications, Inc.
Deerfield Beach, Florida
www.hcibooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Friel, John C., 1947–
Adult children.
1. Adult children of alcoholics. 2. Adult children of narcotic addicts.
3. Problem families. I. Title. II. Title: Dysfunctional families.
HV5132.F75 1988 362.2'92 87-25037
eISBN-13: 978-07573-9335-8
eISBN-10: 0-7573-9335-7
© 1988, 2010 John and Linda Friel
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.
HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 33442-8190
Cover design by Justin Rotkowitz
Interior formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove
Dedication
This book is dedicated to our family system. To our parents, Elden and Alice Friel and Lloyd and Phyllis Olund; to our brothers and sisters, Bill and Nancy McIntyre, Rich Friel, Steve and Margo Bateson; and to our nieces and nephews, Brian and Carrie McIntyre, John Michael, Mark and Mary Friel. And especially to our children, Kristin, Rebecca and David that their lives may be full and warm and true.
Acknowledgments
We would like to thank all the friends, mentors and colleagues who have shared in and contributed to our professional development and personal recovery: Terry Kellogg, Robert Subby, Lawrence Murphy, Robert Milligan, Lawrence and Sandra Weiss, John Nesselroade, John Cone, Charlie Olsen, Walt Ayotte, Bill Byxbee, Richard and Maureen Gevirtz, Diane Naas, Suzanne James, James Maddock, John Nolan, Richard V. Anderson, Arlene Katchmark, Mary Pietrini, Mary Bell, Lynn Brennan, Lynda Winter, Stan Huff, Evelyn Leite, Linda Murdock, Ken Adams, Bruce Smoller, Virginia Leone and Chuck Ellwanger.
Special Thanks
Special thanks to Arlene Katchmark for her tireless contribution to the preparation of this manuscript.
About The Authors
John C. Friel, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice in St. Paul, Minnesota; Director of the St. Paul/Minneapolis Lifeworks Clinic, an intensive, short-term treatment program for Adult Child, Co-dependency, addiction and compulsivity issues; and adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology at St. Mary’s College Graduate Center in Minneapolis. Dr. Friel earned his B.A. in psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1969, and his Ph.D. in psychology from West Virginia University in 1976. He is a nationally recognized author, trainer, speaker and consultant in the areas of dysfunctional family systems, co-dependency, adult child issues, stress and addictions; and has worked in these areas with the University of Minnesota Medical School, the Gillette Company, Graco Corporation, NCR/Comten, the Minnesota State Bar Association and numerous other corporations, state agencies, treatment centers, hospitals and small businesses. A native of Marin County, California, Dr. Friel has lived in Minnesota since 1973.
Linda D. Friel, M.A., C.C.D.P., specializes in therapy for Adult Children, Co-dependency issues and for Survivors of Physical, Sexual and Emotional Abuse. She designed and implemented one of the first hospital-based co-dependency treatment programs in the United States, and is also a nationally recognized author, trainer and consultant in the areas of dysfunctional families, co-dependency, adult child issues and addictions. A native of Minneapolis, Linda earned her B.A. from Mankato State University in 1971, taught special education classes for eight years and earned an M.A. in Counseling and Psychological Services from St. Mary’s College in Minnesota in 1980.
Preface
The examples and case studies used throughout this book are composites of individuals and families with whom we have worked over the years. The details and specifics of the cases, such as geographical location, job descriptions and names, have been changed for purposes of anonymity. In all other respects these are very typical cases of Adult Children.
Throughout this book we have tried to use case examples that typify different symptoms and addictions so that the reader can get a feel for the variety of dysfunctional lifestyles that develop in Adult Children. By no means have we been able to exemplify in the case studies all of the possible dysfunctional lifestyles and symptoms that can occur. In truth, there are as many case examples as there are people.
As we try to stress throughout this book, recovery is not something that can be done alone; and in many cases, it cannot be done without professional help. A book such as this is written to provide what we feel can be helpful information as part of a much more comprehensive program of recovery.
We must note that self-help books can become an addiction in and of themselves, and that at some point we must get on with the painful business of actually living our lives differently, rather than just thinking or learning about how that might be.
Finally, we cannot stress enough that this book is for you. It is not for your husband, wife, lover, children, boss or employees. One of our definitions of co-dependency is “The-Chase-Your-Spouse-Around-The-House-With-A-Self-Help-Book” Syndrome. Recovery from Adult Child issues is a personal experience. The most powerful way to help others into their own recovery is to simply live your own life of recovery. Your own recovery will be well under way when you truly trust that your own example is the most powerful way to help others.
John C. Friel, Ph.D.
Linda D. Friel, M.A., C.C.D.P.
Contents
Part I Adult Children
1. Introduction
2. Two Stories
3. Who Are We? What Are Our Symptoms?
4. Some Hooks: Addictions in Particular
Interlude 5. The Bear
Part II Family Roots
6. Family Systems: Structure, Function, Roles, Boundaries
7. The Traps Get Set
8. When Families Get Off Course
Interlude 9. The Goose
Part III What Happens to Me?
10. The Denial
11. The Feelings
12. The Secrets
13. What Happens to Our Identity
14. Intimacy and Beyond
Interlude 15. The Rabbit
Part IV Beneath the Iceberg
16. A General Model of Adult Children and Co-dependency
Part V Recovering: What Do I Do Now?
17. Uncovering and Admitting
18. Working a Program
19. A Word about Healing and Spirituality
Postlude 20. Kiss Your Monster on the Nose
References/Bibliography
Appendix
Part I
Adult Children
Its inhabitants are, as the man once said, “Whores, pimps, gamblers and sons of bitches,” by which he meant everybody.Had the man looked through another peephole he might have said, “Saints and angels and martyrs and holy men,” and he would have meant the same thing.
from Cannery Row
by John Steinbeck
1
Introduction
In July of 1985 thousands of people from all over the world descended on Montreal, Canada, to celebrate the 50th anniversary of perhaps the most successful worldwide organization in existence. This organization, which has
no formal leadership and no political affiliations of any kind, was founded by two “failures,” and has grown to become the most successful group of its kind in history. It does not accept outside financial support from any foundations or corporations, and it never has. Yet it has a membership of millions of people in over 135 countries. It does no formal promotion of any kind. It does not have marketing personnel. It does not allow its members to use its name for personal promotion of any kind.
In fact, all of its members must remain anonymous, for all practical purposes. According to one of this organization’s statements on this issue, “Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”1 This successful worldwide organization, as you may have guessed, is Alcoholics Anonymous.
The history of A.A. is a fascinating study for anyone interested in successful social movements or organizations, regardless of whether or not one “buys” the A.A. philosophy. Despite the tremendously rapid cultural changes that we have experienced since 1935, A.A. has managed to survive and grow. It has weathered the “good times” of the 50s; the upheaval of the 60s; the sexual revolution of the 70s and the “new me generation” of the 80s. In fact, like cancer-fighting cells in the human body, it is starting to spread even more, and it is changing shape as well.
The original 12 Steps of A.A. have been modified slightly to fit a number of other dysfunctional lifestyles. There is Gamblers Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Bulimics Anonymous, Spenders Anonymous, Parents Anonymous (for recovering child abusers), Smokers Anonymous, Workaholics Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous and Fundamentalists Anonymous (for people trying to break free from destructive religious orientations), Co-dependents Anonymous and Adult Children Anonymous (for adult children of dysfuctional families).
Are these just passing fads? Is A.A. “in” now because of all the awareness we have about chemical dependency? Will it die out as we find new ways of treating emotional and behavioral problems with drugs or behavior modification?
We don’t think so. There is a saying in A.A. which says, “If it works, don’t fix it.“ Fifty years of success is a tough track record to dispute. We don’t think so because these groups and programs modeled after them are meeting a fundamental human need that all Americans are hungry to get met— the need for healthy intimacy. The need for a place to go where one can talk, share oneself, listen, learn from others and then simply leave at the end of the hour with no strings attached. No politics. No obligations. No one saying, “Okay, I gave you this, now you owe me that.”
The 12 steps of A.A. or any other 12-step group do a few simple things very well. They offer (not demand) a simple program of living that will, over the long haul, help us to correct the crazy painful ways that we learned to live in this world as we were growing up in our own families. Painful ways that our parents learned from their parents, and they from theirs.
In the year of A.A.’s 50th anniversary, we find a new organization coming into its own at a national level. The National Association of Children of Alcoholics, along with Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-Step groups, based on the original 12 steps of A.A., emphasize bringing hope and help to children and adults who grew up in alcoholic homes or other chemically dependent family systems, and they are growing at an astronomical rate.
We also find one of the bestsellers of 1985 being the first-person accounts of famous people’s struggles to recover from the ravages of chemical dependency (Dennis Wholey’s The Courage to Change). Popular articles in newspapers and magazines seem to be zeroing in on chemical dependency and the family system dynamics that go along with dysfunctional and unhealthy dependency in general. And it is this latter issue to which we have devoted this book.
As countless professionals in our field are at last beginning to recognize, it’s not just the alcoholic or cocaine addict in the family who has a problem. Even if there is no chemical dependency in the family, the entire family can operate just like an alcoholic family if the rules that govern the system are the same. In other words, it is not just Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs) who can profit from a 12-step group. It is Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (Adult Children) who can profit, too.
This book is for, about and by Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. It is written in response to scores of clients with whom we have worked over the years who ask, “Isn’t there anything written on this stuff, the way that you’ve explained it to me?”
It is written to help those of us in recovery remember what our recovery is about and why recovery is a process rather than an event. It is written for those of us who are still in the dark—skeptical, angry perhaps, or just plain lost and searching for some kind of a clue as to why we feel the way that we do.
It is written, above all, to shed if nothing more, a flicker of light on the family dynamics that lead so many of us into an adulthood of addiction, depression, compulsion, unhealthy dependency, stress disorders, unsatisfying relationships and lives of quiet desperation.
1These are the 11th and 12th Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
2
Two Stories
The “Subtle” Family
Frank Davis is a 35-year-old executive for a large California electronics firm. He earned a bachelor’s degree in computer science from the University of California, worked as a systems analyst for five years and then went back to school to earn an M.B.A. Shortly after landing his first job with his current employer, he met Tina, who was also a student in business administration and who shared many of the same interests as Frank.
By the end of their master’s program, they were married. Three years later they had two small children and one on the way. Tina had decided to defer her career to stay home and raise a family, and Frank’s career took off like a rocket. He and Tina had all of the trappings of the successful young couple —a house in Marin County, summer home at Lake Tahoe, two BMWs in the garage and membership in an exclusive country club. They were regular churchgoers and active in the community. Everyone looked at them as the perfect couple.
Frank’s childhood was seemingly uneventful. The third of five children, he was born as his father’s career as a surgeon was beginning to take off. Frank was a high achiever in school and seemed to take a particular shining to mathematics, which pleased his parents. He was active in sports, attractive and popular with his classmates. Frank’s mother was the perfect surgeon’s wife in those days—beautiful, poised, charming and a pillar of the community in her own right. Although they had a housekeeper, his mother did not idle her days away. She ran Boy Scout and Girl Scout troops, belonged to the hospital auxiliary, and both she and her husband belonged to a study group at their church. They were a successful, devout and highly visible family in the community, and Frank was proud to be a part of it. He knew that his success was in keeping with the family tradition of excellence.
Frank’s father could best be described as “solid.” He was a steady, stable, conventional man and, like many surgeons, was a perfectionist. Sometimes Frank’s mother would laugh at how “predictable” Dad was, teasing him that she could throw away all of the clocks in the house and just tell time by the regularity of his schedule when he was home. They saw themselves as a loving family, although not openly affectionate very often, owing to their Norwegian heritage on his mother’s side and on her father’s side of the family. But no matter. They knew that they loved each other, and knowing it was enough, they said.
Frank experienced success after academic success as he breezed through high school and college. And with each success came more praise and adulation from the family. “You’re a Davis, no doubt about it,” his father would say proudly with each new achievement. By the time he met Tina, Frank had established himself
in the world of work and felt up to the task of carrying on the family traditions with his own family. Tina was proud to be a part of it and thrived on the glory she earned as each of the three children was born. At the age of 33, with six years of marriage under his belt and his wife and babies safely at home in the nest, Frank Davis’ life began to change.
The changes were very subtle ones at first. He and Tina chalked it up to the “thirties crisis” they’d been reading about in popular books and magazines. After all, their lives had been a whirlwind of accomplishment and activity almost from the day they married. But the changes came anyway, and they didn’t leave.
It began with an occasional gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach as he drove to work, his mind buzzing with ideas for the new project he was directing. Just as quickly, he would dismiss the gnawing feeling and throw himself into the project with renewed vigor, the thrill of success overpowering the nagging little doubts and fears that occasionally crept into his consciousness. At the end of the day he would share a quiet meal with Tina and then go over his plans for the next day’s work, then shower and fall off to sleep nestled in Tina’s loving arms.
This pattern went on for several months: the nagging little gnawing feeling followed by the thrill of the project, followed by quiet evenings with Tina. Their weekends were usually filled with social gatherings and trips to the lake with the children. But the feelings didn’t go away. And by that fact alone, they began to haunt Frank. His dreams became disturbing. He became distracted. Then he became mildly irritated at times, which really frightened him. No Davis worth his salt let little things irritate him, let alone gnawing little feelings.
Throughout this initial period, Tina maintained the role of the supportive, tolerant wife. She managed the household, stayed involved in the community, acted the part of the charming hostess and quietly nurtured Frank in the evenings. But eventually whatever it was that was eating at Frank, finally began to eat at her, too.